Stats
Score: 15-6
Squad: Bell, Farnsworth, Hinceman, Pacheco, Stickland, Turner.
Goals: Farnsworth (6), Pacheco (4), Turner (3), Bell (1), Hinceman (1).
Stats
Score: 10-3
Squad: Farnsworth, Hawkins, Pacheco, Stickland, Tobin, Turner, Wessely.
Goals: Farnsworth (4), Pacheco (4), Turner (2).
“awaiting photo”
Sporting Apostrophes were awarded a 10-0 victory after their opponents failed to field a team. A hastily arranged friendly resulted in an action-packed match, narrowly lost via a thrilling golden goal for a makeshift Centrepoint FC line-up including “terrorist” Farnsworth.
Match highlights include: a stellar performance for Bell, including an uprecedented four goal haul; an improbable hat-trick for “friendly” Stickland; a rare and mercifully brief outfield appearance for Hawkins; Wessely losing his cool; enemy terrorism from Farnsworth.
Sporting Apostrophes end the season in third, the promotion that is theirs by divine right denied thanks to a terrible second half of the season. A terrible injustice!
Score: 7-8
Squad: Bell, Hawkins, Farnsworth, Stickland, Wessely.
Goals: Bell (4), Stickland (3).
N.B. FRIENDLY GOALS ARE STATISTICALLY INSIGNIFICANT!
“awaiting photo”
El Paso finally ended Apostrophes fans’ dreams of promotion in what proved to be a lacklustre match for the Super A’s.
“That’s that then,” a resigned Ernest Borgnine told reporters at the post-match press conference. “The champagne has been on ice for longer than I care to remember. We were top of the league, top of the world, but we’ve fallen like a polio-ridden orphan on a bucking bronco. It’s easy to try and point the wretched, crooked, poo-scented finger of blame, and in due course I probably will do.”
With Hawkins and Stickland suspended, Lissimore donned sheathes, his first appearance between the sticks since March. Outfield, the Apostrophes boasted their usual galaxy of stars, but a determined El Paso side, eager to return to division I at the first attempt, thwarted their attempts on goal time and time again.
“How dare they stop the ball from entering their net?” the fans wept, emotional at the outright insolence of their team’s adversaries.
With the full time whistle echoing around the stadium, the sullen, despondent sextet retired to the opulent luxury of their changing palace with little to say to each other. A terrible injustice!
Stats
Score: 2-9
Squad: Correa, Farnsworth, Hinceman, Lissimore, Pacheco, Turner.
Goals: Pacheco (1), Turner (1).
“awaiting photo”
The famous yellows racked up their third draw of the season in what proved to be a chaotic fixture against Minety.
“This match should have been abandoned as they didn’t have enough players to field a team,” protested Ernest Borgnine, unable to contain his anger or his urine. “They fielded a guest star from a team within their division, Team Wang in this instance, which is strictly prohibited under Powerleague rules. I tell you, it’s an outrage, a proper, full-on orangutan outrage, and it makes a mockery of this division.”
A lacklustre performance by the Apostrophes boasted few highlights, but Farnsworth deserves praise, having achieved his third hat-trick of the season. Violations by the increasingly ravenous Turner and the ever-reliable Pacheco added to the home-baked quiche.
Sporting Apostrophes’ terrible run of form leaves their promotion campaign in tatters, their only hope being a catastrophic failure on the part of El Paso. A terrible injustice!
Stats
Score: 5-5
Squad: Correa, Farnsworth, Hinceman, Hawkins, Pacheco, Turner, Wessely.
Goals: Farnsworth (3), Pacheco (1), Turner (1).
“Turner ‘nose’ where the goal is after his lengthy barren spell”
Sporting Apostrophes’ quest for promotion took a sizeable step backwards, thanks to an unfortunate defeat at the hands of U.B.O.C.
“U.B.O.C. – they’re a solid team – you can see that they wanted it more than us,” Ernest Borgnine told reporters at the post-match briefing. “We have to address this alarming run of form that’s seen us pick up just two points in our last four matches. Our season is at stake, and, quite frankly, it’s not good enough. The billion-strong fan base deserves better.”
The Apostrophes, eager to taste victory for the first time since 18th October, fielded a robust sandwich with meat at both ends. Kimberley returned to the dressing room after a six week absence. The “albino Essien” lined-up beside midfield Mozarts Turner and Wessley, the former amazing fans with his newly-discovered enthusiasm for worshipping at the temple of onion. Pacheco took to the field for his landmark 20th appearance, making him the 10th most capped player in the world famous club’s history.
An unsheathed, yellow Stickland appeared from the players’ tunnel, leaving the Apostrophes’ particularly astute fans to work out the inevitable.
“Oh. My. God. They’re dropping the H-Bomb!” cried fans, as the scent of Hawkins filled every nostril in the stadium. Hawkins’ long-awaited return from the dreaded “lesbian shoulder” was cheered by fans for at least an hour, before the referee commenced the day’s excitement with a robust toot on his whistle.
Like a hoard of feral Tina Turners, the Super A’s launched themselves at U.B.O.C., well aware of the opposition’s propensity for a bit of heave-ho. An ugly, Simon Weston spectacle ensued: not a match for the purist. Turner drew first blood with a sublime finish, his fear of violations now a distant-but-terrifying memory. U.B.O.C. replied, to the dismay of the crowd, as the first half drew to a close.
The second half was much the same: a torrid, unsightly affair of diced, frozen onion, the kind that languishes in the freezer compartment beyond its sell-by date. Kimberley offered a threat of sorts in the middle of the park, while Wessely and Pacheco sought chances on the wing. Stickland resumed defensive duties, as Turner looked to add to his orphan violation, which he duly did with 10 minutes remaining.
Fans hoped for a much-needed victory, but U.B.O.C., eager to make amends for their recent run of poor form against the Super A’s, battled on to take the three points.
With the end of the season approaching and Sporting Apostrophes’ form in free-fall, fans’ hopes of a promotion party are very much on ice. A terrible injustice!
Score: 2-3
Squad: Hawkins, Kimberley, Pacheco, Stickland, Turner, Wessely.
Goals: Turner (2).
“awaiting photo”
Sporting Apostrophes battled to a hard-earned draw against table-toppers Green Park in last Sunday’s mesmerising division II encounter.
“We beat them for the first time earlier in the season, so we knew they’d be gunning for revenge,” Ernest Borgnine informed the attendants at the post-match press jamboree. “They’re a solid, organised side, boasting at least 100 subs for each match, so you’ve got to give them credit. We’re the only team to have pummelled them into submission with the onion cannon, so we have every right to be proud of our achievements.”
Match highlights include: Turner violations, a rare but exciting spectacle; Wessely’s fiery temper getting the better of him; sheath pony from Stickland; Pacheco violation; a rare, onion-free sandwich for Farnsworth, to the dismay of fans; up-tempo groundwork from Correa.
Sporting Apostrophes’ hopes of promotion have taken a firm kick in the teeth, but with Borgnine’s comprehensive dental insurance policy the team have every right to remain optimistic. A terrible injustice!
Stats
Score: 3-3
Squad: Correa, Farnsworth, Pacheco, Stickland, Turner, Wessely.
Goals: Turner (2), Pacheco (1).
“awaiting photo”
It was seven onions apiece in last Sunday’s thrilling division II encounter with old rivals Team Wang.
“Wang have improved immeasurably this season: their league position is not reflective of their endeavours,” remarked Ernest Borgnine. “Naturally, we’re very disappointed, as our promotion campaign looks more fragile as each week passes, but we’re confident that we can bounce back next week.”
Match highlights include: quadruplo-magnifico sex onions from Pacheco; a hat-trick from “terrorist” Farnsworth; a glimpse-and-you’ll-miss-it appearance from Lissimore; sheath tending par excellence from Stickland; midfield dynamism from Wessely; Hinceman’s meatloaf.
Sporting Apostrophes’ hopes of promotion have taken a firm kick in the teeth, but with Borgnine’s comprehensive dental insurance policy the team have every right to remain optimistic. A terrible injustice!
Stats
Score: 7-7
Squad: Farnsworth, Hinceman, Lissimore, Pacheco, Stickland, Wessely.
Goals: Pacheco (4), Farnsworth (3).
“Stickland’s smile hides the inner turmoil caused by the achtuple violations suffered”
Sporting Apostrophes’ promotion campaign took a sizable dent thanks to some spirited play by mid-table opposition VJJ.
“The Apostrophes tried hard to get something out of this fixture, which was always a big ask given the depleted squad,” remarked Ernest Borgnine, his frustration evident by his protruding choad. “It’s a setback to be sure, but we’ll look forward to the next game when we can get back on track. Mark my words, this won’t derail our historic sixth season.”
Match highlights include: a rousing rendition of Born In The USA, courtesy of Hinceman and debutant Kaiser; obligatorygoals from sexball exponent Pacheco; determined sheathtending from Stickland; Word Up from Cameo, thanks to our old friends El Paso.
The Super A’s slip to second in the table, potentially jeopardising their assault on the division II title. A terrible injustice!
Stats
Score: 3-8
Squad: Cameo, Hinceman, Kaiser, Pacheco, Stickland.
Goals: Pacheco (3).
“awaiting photo”
Sporting Apostrophes were awarded a default 10-0 victory against no-show opponents Flat Back Four.
“We’ve put the fear of God into our opponents. Either that, or they just can’t be arsed to play football anymore,” opined chairman Ernest Borgnine.
To satisfy the team’s insatiable appetite for onion, the league organisers arranged an exhibition match with division II rivals El Paso, which the Apostrophes proceeded to win at a canter.
With the hinrunde complete, Sporting Apostrophe sit at the top of the division II table, to the delight of their billion-strong fan base. A terrible injustice!
Stats
Score: 10-0
Squad: Correa, Farnsworth, Hinceman, Lissimore, Stickland, Turner, Wessely.
Goals: N/A
“Bell models his new Apostrophes shirt”
For the first time in almost a year, Sporting Apostrophes conquered old rivals El Paso, making amends for the 18-2 defeat suffered in their previous encounter.
“Make no mistake, they’re a quality side,” announced Ernest Borgnine, having watched the drama unfold from the directors’ box. “We’re fortunate that we had enough stamina to keep up pressure for the full 40 minutes.”
Match highlights include: Bell’s impressive season VI debut; a rare violation from Turner, celebrated with the obligatory badge tonguing; Stickland between the sticks, exerting his authority more and more each game; trademark passion and drive from Wessely; a goal-fest from Farnsworth and Pacheco, intensifying the race for the coveted brown plimsole.
To the delight of fans, Sporting Apostrophes return to the top of division II with just one match remaining of the hinrunde. A terrible injustice!
Stats
Score: 5-3
Squad: Bell, Farnsworth, Pacheco, Stickland, Turner, Wessely.
Goals: Farnsworth (2), Pacheco (2). Turner (1).
“An irate fan with completely unrealistic expectations shows his anger at defeat”
The Super A’s winning streak was transformed into a hideous, losing smear by opponents Minety.
“The unbeaten run had to come to an end and so it came to pass,” a despondent Ernest Borgnine commented. “We’re still second in the table, so we must keen our heads up and focus on next week’s match against El Paso.”
Match highlights include: a double dose of onion bag violations from Correa and Farnsworth; Hinceman’s halbzeit sojourn; Kimberley being man-marked by the formidable combination of Stephen Hawking and a drawing of Terry Wogan; Stickland and Wessely’s man-of-the-not-very-good-match deserving performances.
Sporting Apostrophes’ promotion tilt is still very much alive, its momentum more potent than a fully erect cagefighter on a Harley-Davidson. A terrible injustice!
Stats
Score: 4-8
Squad: Correa, Farnsworth, Hinceman, Kimberley, Wessely, Stickland.
Goals: Correa (2), Farnsworth (2).