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Match reports
“Fans struggle to contain their excitement upon hearing that the Apostrophes press embargo has ended”
Sporting Apostrophes’ assault on the division II title took a Goliath leap forward with a convincing 11-4 victory against West End Wanderers.
“A magnificent display of pure, uncut onionball!” enthused chairman Ernest Borgnine, relieved to be talking to reporters once again following the long-standing press embargo. “Farnsworth’s double hat-trick, the fifth of his career, was the icing on the Super A’s cupcake. He now has 30 goals to his name this season – surely 40 isn’t an unrealistic target for the ‘terrorist’ from Yorkshire?”
To the delight of fans in the Grammar End, Sporting Apostrophes took to the field with an abundance of home-grown English talent, each man eager to prove himself worthy of a place in the starting line-up for the impending World Cup. Birmingham’ s Kimberley headed the pack, the silver-haired midget in prime condition thanks to his rigorous cycling regime. Hawkins, another native of the second city, was next in line, the sheath technician eager to feel latex on his skin once again after a 3-week absence. Recent signing Tinsley joined the Midland pairing, the Essex wonder-boy already an established Apostrophe after just three appearances on the hallowed astroturf. Local lad “fairweather” Stickland made it four, the on-off glovesman making his fiftieth appearance for the famous yellows. Yorkshire’s finest pudding joined him, the in-form striker now odds-on favourite to regain the brown plimsole after two seasons in the wilderness. The quintet of English mustard were accompanied by the American Hinceman, Maryland’s biggest export since Tupac.
One-legged referee Gillespie started proceedings with a muscular “toot!” on his whistle.
The entrée was served piping hot, the Apostrophes storming to a three goal lead in a matter of minutes. Some fine interplay between Tinsley and Farnsworth delivered the onion, with notable assists and heave-ho from Hinceman and Stickland, the latter helping himself with a well-taken poke. The Wanderers rallied, replying with two goals in quick succession, despite some jazz hands and sheath wizardry from Hawkins. The Super A’s opened up a two goal lead, before their opponents added a third with the final kick of the first half, a fortunate, long range effort that bamboozled the hapless Hawkins.
Sagely advice and energy drinks were exchanged at half time, the players still fully-focused on their promotion dreams.
West End Wanderers equalised early in the second half, but the Apostrophes replied with a savage one-two counterpunch from Tinsley, stereo onion bag violations that left the Wanderers reeling. Hinceman drew blood from an impossible angle, as Kimberley mystified his opponents and possibly himself with his incredible, tireless running into space. Farnsworth dealt further punishment, completing his double hat-trick, before the referee brought the match to an end after yet another famous Sporting victory.
With just four matches remaining, Sporting Apostrophes lead the division II table by three points, their hopes of feasting at the promotion buffet as real and tangible as a scale drawing of Christopher Reeve. A terrible injustice!
Score: 11-4
Squad: Farnsworth, Hawkins, Hinceman, Kimberley, Stickland, Tinsley.
Goals: Farnsworth (6), Tinsley (3), Hinceman (1), Stickland (1).
