Sporting Apostrophes

“Stickland has the best of both balls”

A quintet of footballing genii delivered a hard-earned victory for the Super A’s in Sunday’s action-packed, 15-goal thriller.

“A well-deserved win against an unsporting, uncivilised mob,” exclaimed chairman Ernest Borgnine, feasting on onion canapés at the post-match buffet. “They’re bottom of the table, and deservedly so. How dare they refuse to shake paws with my players after the game? How very dare they? Mark my words, we’ll beat them when next we meet, by a more handsome margin too I’ll wager.”

Match highlights include: quadruple violation goodness from the mysterious Cameo; a Correa hat-trick, making him this season’s top scorer on 10 goals; top-drawer sheath pouncing from between-the-sticks Stickland; energetic tolling from Bell; pulsating, dark chocolate determination from Kimberley.

Sporting Apostrophes’ haul of 10 points from 10 leaves them languishing mid-table in division II. A terrible injustice!

Score: 8-7

Squad: Bell, Cameo, Correa, Kimberley, Stickland.
Goals: Cameo (4), Correa (3), Bell (1).

“Kimberley’s 0.24 miles covered in Sunday’s match equals his personal best”

Sporting Apostrophes threw all the passion, ability and hair they could collectively muster at their opponents 5IVE last Sunday, but it wasn’t enough to stop them swigging from the brown Thermos labelled ‘Defeat Liquor’.

“They’re top o’ the table, unbeaten n’ able,” conceded chairman Ernest Borgnine, his pride outweighing his disappointment by a ratio of 4-to-1. “We played some good football, and, with a little luck, we could have sauntered away with the full 3 points, but with the score at 4-5 we caught the scent of victory, which turned out to be the aroma of meat. It’s a mistake we’ve made several times this season, despite the increased investment in our state-of-the-art nasal programming technology.”

The capacity crowd showed their appreciation as the Super A’s galloped majestically from the players’ tunnel. This season’s top scorers, Pacheo and Correa, headed the pack, on 8 and 7 goals respectively. Stickland followed, his recent performances in defence earning much praise from the terraces. Midfield maestro Turner arrived next, making his landmark 30th appearance for the famous yellows, with Kimberley, the albino Essien, close behind. Making his second appearance on the season, Bell joined them, leaving handsheath exponent Hawkins to complete the heavenly seven.

Kick-off was preceded by a 2-hour silence in memory of Michael Jackson. Fans wept openly throughout, as the Ebony and Ivory video was projected onto the stadium, the song that single-handedly brought racial harmony and understanding to the entire universe forevermore.

The first half began cautiously, as the Apostrophes sized up their table-topping foes.

“Punish them!” screamed the crowd, but their cries fell on deaf ears.

With ten minutes on the clock, 5IVE drew first blood, a fortunate counter-attack, a most terrible injustice. Their confidence dented, the Apostrophes conceded three more in rapid succession, as the team, looking disorganised and disorientated, struggled to find their inner chi. Sporting laboured on, until the referee, looking uncharacteristically smart in his fetching black jersey, peeped on his whistle to signify the end of the first half with the Super A’s 4-0 down.

“This is bogusball, not onionball!” Turner ranted, his primal, aboriginal roots making his senses go walkabout.

Sporting Apostrophes commenced the second half with a renewed belief, their righteous, God-given entitlement to victory at the forefront of their minds. Their determination soon reaped dividends, as Pacheco scored a delicious goal, driving the partizan crowd into a frenzy in the process. More onion bag violations followed: a cannon from Correa, a rare poke from Turner and a second for Pacheco.

A mere goal behind, the Super A’s pushed forward seeking an equaliser, perhaps even an improbable victory. Unfortunately, the team’s thirst for onion left them vulnerable at the rear, as 5IVE cemented their lead with three more strikes.

“A valiant effort, but it wasn’t to be,” a dejected Kimberley told reporters gathered outside the stadium after the match, as the player dubbed “Birmingham Molby” drove off in his souped-up, luxury Montego Estate.

Sporting Apostrophes lie eighth in the table: their dreams of promotion, whilst mathematically possible, appear as distant as an interplanetary Rory Delap throw-in. A terrible injustice!

Score: 4-7

Squad: Bell, Correa, Hawkins, Kimberley, Pacheco, Stickland, Turner.
Goals: Pacheco (2), Correa (1), Turner (1).

“Hawkins and Kimberley show their ‘Birmingham Flair’ in a game of street onionball, in a rare, previously unreleased photo from the Apostrophes archive.”

Last Sunday’s encounter with promotion-chasing Frutti di Mare resulted in a 10-2 mauling for the Super A’s.

“They were better than us: you better, you better, you bet,” chairman Ernest Borgnine waxed lyrically on his diamond-encrusted microphone, aping The Who’s Roger Daltrey. “We’re following the same worrying trend as last season: 7 points from the first 5 matches, then disastercatastrophe. It’s not good enough: we need to turn the beat around.”

Onion bag violations for Correa and Pacheco were the only highlights of what proved to be a miserable day for the world’s favourite football team. A terrible injustice!

Score: 2-10

Squad: Bell, Correa, Farnsworth, Kimberley, Pacheco, Stickland.
Goals: Correa (1), Pacheco (1).

“Hinceman’s 3-week promotional tour of North America began with an action-packed cameo for MLS side LA Soccerplanets”

Sporting Apostrophes produced an abundance of egg, a veritable footballing omelette, but failed to take home the bacon in last Sunday’s nail-biting encounter with Flat Back Four.

“It was so very close. I could taste the three points on the tip of my tongue, around my gummy teeth and even in the back of my throat,” protested chairman Ernest Borgnine, his grief as deep-seated and meaningful as that of a motherless child. “We’ve flirted with Lady Luck this season, but on too many occasions we’ve gone home with her brother, Dave Misfortune.”

A predictably excellent line-up graced the hallowed astroturf: a footballing hurricane, as devastating as Katrina, more intimidating than the mythical Boreas, Eurus, Notus and Zephyrus combined.

The entrée was a delightful spectacle, as the Apostrophes treated the capacity crowd and innumerable tellybox audience to some first class onionball.

“Hurrah!” shouted the partizan crowd, with considerable justification.

Onion bag violations flowed: stereo tip-tap from Pacheco, solitary Haley’s Comet from Farnsworth, but Flat Back Four responded with unjustness thrice.

Dessert began with a magnificent effort from Correa, a blistering run down the left channel. An Apostrophes victory looked certain, until two late, unjust goals from their opponents cheated them of the victory that was theirs by divine right.

With the halfway point of season V approaching, Sporting Apostrophes continue to linger uncomfortably close to the foot of the division II table. A terrible injustice!

Score: 4-5

Squad: Correa, Farnsworth, Hawkins, Hinceman, Pacheco, Stickland, Turner.
Goals: Pacheco (2), Correa (1), Farnsworth (1).

“Wessely is dispatched to the sin-bin by referee Chris Griffin”

Sunday’s ill-tempered match against Minety ended in a disappointing loss for the world’s favourite football team.

“They’re rotten pigs, that’s what they are!” protested chairman Ernest Borgnine, incensed by the gamesmanship and ungentlemanly conduct employed by Sporting Apostrophes’ opponents. “Worse still, Minety take their name from a filthy, gypsy village in Wiltshire! Honestly, it makes me sick from my testes to my stomach – more commonly known as my abdomen.”

A familiar line-up of internationally renowned “Apostrophes Galacticos” graced the astroturf, to the delight of the capacity crowd. Making his landmark 30th appearance, and his first of season V, McInerney appeared first from the tunnel to rapturous applause. The aging striker was joined by “guarantee” Farnsworth, his reduced scoring rate a cause for concern on the terraces. Midfield wizards Wessely and Turner soon followed, accompanied by Hinceman, the “Leaning Tower of Shoreditch” eager to add to his wonder-strike, a fussballblitzkreigstürmer scored in his previous match. Recent signing Correa came next, his goal-a-game form adding some much needed firepower to the squad, with Hawkins, at the rear, completing the magnificent septet.

Referee Chris Griffin started proceedings with a confident “toot!” of his whistle. Sporting Apostrophes immediately surged forward, the irresistible odeur de oignon like a red flag to a büll with an unnecessary umlaut. Farnsworth drew first blood, a trademark cannon from an improbable distance. With the fans’ cheers still echoing around the stadium, Minety equalised, an uncharacteristic error from “Handsheath” Hawkins. Bullish, steamroller manball from Hinceman and Correa kept the scores at one apiece, as Turner and Wessely added hundreds-and-thousands by the handful.

Fans expectations for the second half were sky high, but the Apostrophes, faced with unsporting, undignified behaviour from their opponents, looked unlikely to sup at the fountain of victory. Their Achilles heel, stamina, proved their undoing for the umpteenth time, as Minety took full advantage, adding another three onion bag violations without reply.

“This is a terrible injustice!” Wessely protested, with liberal use of swear words thrown in for good measure.

“It’s the Bin of Sin for you son!” replied the referee, exerting his Fritzl-like authority with considerable panache.

A player down and three goals behind, Sporting Apostrophes left the field at the end of the match ruing chances missed and the curse of poor stamina. A terrible injustice!

Score: 1-4

Squad: Correa, Farnsworth, Hawkins, Hinceman, McInerney, Turner, Wessely.
Goals: Farnsworth (1).

“Turner influences the ball’s trajectory using the gravitational pull of his testes”

It was all square in the final installment of the Super A’s double header last Sunday, the points being shared with league newcomers Chosen Men.

“Two wins on the bounce would have been incredible, and we fought hard for the 3 points, but we’re happy with the final result,” opined chairman Ernest Borgnine at the final whistle. “Over the course of the day we took 4 points from 6: not to be sniffed at, and a step in the right direction in our quest for promotion.”

Match highlights include: Hinceman ending his 9-match onion famine; end-to-end tippy-tap from Turner; granite, Easter Island defending from Lissimore; Kimberley making his landmark 40th appearance for the Super A’s.

Despite earning a point, Apostrophes fans were dismayed to hear that Lissimore’s cracked toe will keep him sidelined for 10 weeks. A terrible injustice!

Score: 2-2

Squad: Correa, Hawkins, Hinceman, Kimberley, Lissimore, Pacheco, Stickland, Turner.
Goals: Hinceman (1), Pacheco (1).

“Hinceman regrets the decision to stop applying sun cream at chin level”

Sporting Apostrophes’ assault on the division II title took a sizable step forward last Sunday with a convincing 4-1 victory against U.B.O.C.

“It’s always a close, physical game against U.B.O.C., so it was a real pleasure to take all 3 points,” enthused chairman Ernest Borgnine, his pleasure evident from the freshly inked Gloria Estefan tattoo smiling innocently from his bare, waxed chest. “We didn’t get a single point off them last season: the devil season, season IV, the season of which I will never speak again.”

Match highlights include: double-layer onion cake for both Correa and Pacheco; Stickland celebrating his third win in nineteen appearances; top-drawer man-flinging from Herr Hawkins.

Apostrophes fans’ hopes of promotion look optimistic, as the team lie mid-table, a full 8 points behind league leaders 5IVE. A terrible injustice!

Score: 4-1

Squad: Correa, Hawkins, Hinceman, Kimberley, Lissimore, Pacheco, Stickland, Turner.
Goals: Correa (2), Pacheco (2).

“Kimberley pushes his body to the limit in his quest for division I football”

Sunday’s thrill-a-minute encounter with old rivals Real So So Bad ended in a narrow 5-4 reverse for the world’s favourite football team.

“We put in a great performance, and, with a 4-2 lead, we could well have won it,” opined chairman Ernest Borgnine. “Their superior stamina was the deciding factor, but full credit to the boys, it’s the closest we’ve ever come to taking points off them.”

Goal-machine Farnsworth made a welcome return to the starting line-up, making his first appearance of the season. Hand sheath specialist Hawkins joined him, accompanied by Wessely, who chose to wear his white shirt once again in protest at Shaw Tyre and Exhaust’s lack of funding. Kimberley followed, shoulders slumped, his enthusiasm for division II football at a low ebb following his cameo appearance for One Flew Into The Keeper’s Net. Debutants Correa and Pacheco completed the Super A’s line-up, as the capacity crowd, in full voice, greeted the start of the first half.

Correa drew first blood within a minute, a sublime volley past the off guard ‘keeper.

“Hurrah!” shouted the home fans, justifiably.

“Traction!” retorted the infidels in the away end, as Real So So Bad added mayonnaise to the sandwich.

Sporting Apostrophes conceded another, despite some staunch defending by Kimberley. Wessely’s tireless running, aided by some sublime fustal skills from Pacheco, setup “guarantee” Farnsworth for the equaliser, before the referee blew his whistle, bringing the first half to an end.

The Super A’s dominated the first 10 minutes of the second half. Correa’s driving, powerful play was rewarded with another onion bag violation, whilst Farnsworth completed his brace with an astonishing shot, delivered from his own half, it’s journey akin to a meteorite destined for Planet Onion.

With the Apostrophes 4-2 to the good, fans expected a famous victory, but the team’s tired legs and vulnerability to counter-attacks proved their undoing, as Real So So Bad delivered punishment thrice more, despite some energetic man-flinging from the irrepressible Hawkins.

The Sporting Apostrophes team bus deposited the players at a local hostelry for post-match drinks, their passion undiminished, their epic, Oprah appetite for onion still burning like a Jesus Zippo with perma-wick. A terrible injustice!

Score: 4-5
Squad: Farnsworth, Hawkins, Correa, Kimberley, Pacheco, Wessely.
Goals: Farnsworth (2), Correa (2).

Stickland’s flinging bringing singing from the fans

Sporting Apostrophes’ hopes of promotion were dealt a savage blow by Green Park, who strolled to a convincing 9-1 victory in Sunday’s division II match.

“Smells like Teen Spirit? Stinks more like geriatric onion!” raged chairman Ernest Borgnine, his confidence shattered by the heavy defeat. “The boys played well, but without a proven goal scorer on the pitch it was always going to be a challenge.”

Fans on the terraces showed their appreciation for Turner, his long-term injury and winter sports fever having limited his appearances in recent months. Stickland’s sheath wizardry also drew praise, on what proved to be a difficult day for the world’s favourite team. A terrible injustice!

Score: 1-9
Squad: Apostolov, Hinceman, Kimberley, Stickland, Turner, Wessely.
Goals: Kimberley (1).

“Wessely’s shoulder: defrosted and back to its best”

Sporting Apostrophes’ fifth encounter with old rivals Team Wang resulted in an emphatic victory for the world’s favourite football team.

“I promised new signings, I delivered new signings!” enthused chairman Ernest Borgnine, his eyes still watering from the influx of onion. “One wonders, could Farnsworth’s record of 24 goals be under threat so soon?”

The Super A’s first fixture of season V, following the previous week’s postponement, featured an eye-popping array of new signings, all eager to do justice to the famous yellow jersey. Brun, from Italy; Canadian Hannigan-Daley; the unknown Chan: fans were agog at this incredible injection of new blood into the team. The debutants were joined by Apostolov, Hawkins and Lissimore, and, to the delight of the capacity crowd, midfield maestro Wessely, fully recovered from his long-term injury.

Apprehensive, tentative, probing: the Apostrophes’ incredible new line-up took just minutes to form, as an Eskimo’s jelly solidifies rapidly in the land of the midnight sun. A stunning drive from Hannigan-Daley opened the team’s account. Team Wang responded with a fortunate long-range effort, before Sporting’s onion monsoon descended. Referee Candy watched from the sidelines, awe-struck, as Wang’s onion bag was violated again and again by Brun and Hannigan-Daley. Wang offered little in response, their sole effort a penalty saved by “adhesive digits” Hawkins, before the half time whistle blew with the team boasting an astonishing 7-1 advantage.

With such a commanding lead, it was inevitable that the team’s appetite for onion would be diminished. Sporting Apostrophes’ post-coital, tippy-tappy deliciousness brought cheers from the crowd, but their most vocal praise was saved for Wessely, who, back from injury, performed with tremendous energy, instructing the new recruits on the intricacies of Powerleague and the necessity of defending, aided by the ever-reliable Lissimore.

Further violations from Brun, Hannigan-Daley and Wessely added to Sporting Apostrophes’ record-breaking tally, with Wang adding another two, leaving the referee to bring an end to proceedings with the score at 10-3 to the Super A’s.

Sporting Apostrophes historic 50th match ended in a well-deserved victory, but the shortage of yellow shirts and the ongoing sponsorship saga remain a source of considerable irritation. A terrible injustice!

Score: 10-3
Squad: Apostolov, Brun, Chan, Hannigan-Daley, Hawkins, Lissimore, Wessely.
Goals: Brun (5), Hannigan-Daley (4), Wessely (1).

“Farnsworth celebrates his remarkable double hat-trick”

Sporting Apostrophes’ season horribilis concluded with a tremendous game of football against old rivals U.B.O.C.

“Three points would have been the icing on the cake of bum chocolate that we’ve baked this season, but it wasn’t to be,” chairman Ernest Borgnine whispered carelessy ala George Michael, his melancholy testicles hanging from his trousers like a pair of mournful greengrocers waiting for a long-lost onion delivery. “The old yellow shirts did seem to make a difference, though, so it looks like we’ll be forced to extend the hand of friendship to our estranged sponsor Shaw Tyre & Exhaust Co.”

Looking positively ravishing in their famous yellow jerseys, the world’s favourite football team emerged from the tunnel and galloped forth onto the astroturf: Bell, the retiring Bonell, Farnsworth, Hawkins, Hinceman, Lissimore, McInerney; the combined luminosity of their golden torsos was enough to make the sun hang his head in shame.

To commemorate Bonell’s glittering Apostrophes career, fans unfurled a giant flag featuring Sweden’s greatest, all-time, tastiest heroes, with the midfield dynamo taking pride of place in the centre.

Fans, players and referees, overcome with emotion, wept openly as the match kicked off.

The first 10 minutes were closer than Rosie Gaines at a Glenn Close convention. The two teams battled, probed and prodded, ever searching for the infant Onion Moses, the first born violation. To the delight of fans, “terrorist” Farnsworth played midwife, caressing the ball into the net with a deft toe poke.

“We might just win this!” roared the partizan crowd somewhat prematurely, as the smell of onion enveloped the stadium.

Against the run of play and the will of General Zod, U.B.O.C. exploited the Super A’s trademark inability to defend, as the team were punished to the tune of four goals.

“Bumfinger!” the fans groaned in unison, as the Apostrophes retired to their changing complex at half time with a sizable deficit.

Sporting Apostrophes’ fortunes changed in the second half. The muscular defending from Lissimore; the precise passing from Bell and Bonell; Hinceman’s MMA; McInerney’s constructive pointing and shouting; Hawkins’ manflinging; Farnsworth’s incredible shooting power, contributing to his second double hat-trick of the season. All these factors almost delivered the victory fans craved, but Sporting’s valiant efforts were thwarted by a late goal from U.B.O.C. who took all 3 points with an unjust 7-6 victory.

With season IV finally over, Sporting Apostrophes fans (who are legion) are still waiting for their first Powerleague championship title. A terrible injustice!

Score: 6-7
Squad: Bell, Bonell, Farnsworth, Hawkins, Hinceman, Lissimore, McInerney.
Goals: Farnsworth (6).

“Sporting Apostrophes remonstrate with referee Dizzy Gillespie after he fails to deliver penalties promised. Left to right: Hawkins, McInerney, Lissimore, Gillespie (referee), Stickland, Hinceman.”

Sunday’s encounter with Real So So Bad resulted in yet another defeat for the Super A’s, extending their humiliating winless streak to a total of eight matches.

“This season has been a total write-off,” complained chairman Ernest Borgnine, his despondency clear from his enthusiasm for extracurricular pursuits. “It must be the blue shirts: sure, they’re breathable, but as such they don’t retain the scent of onion, the very essence of Mother Nature’s goalscoring goodness.”

A unique septet of footballing genii, the Apostrophes, like the fabled seven brothers, sought seven virginal, onion brides, ripe for violation. With Tina Turner’s “Simply The Best” blaring from the stadium tannoy, they appeared from the tunnel to rapturous applause from the capacity crowd.

Apostolov and McInerney led the pack, eager to build on their recent goalscoring exploits. Stickland joined them, making his sixteenth appearance for the world famous club: an impressive figure given for a player that has quaffed just twice at the fountain of victory. Hinceman and Lissimore followed, a few inches taller, a few pounds lighter respectively. Fresh from Telford Central, new signing Bell came next, leaving sheathmaster Hawkins to complete the “Magnificent Seven”.

Sporting Apostrophes kicked off the first half in a confident, almost nonchalant fashion, the promise of two penalties from referee Dizzy Gillespie the perfect motivator. The Super A’s assured play soon evaporated, however, as it became apparent that the new line-up deprived the team of its trademark mellifluousness.

“This is not football, it’s bogusball!” complained fans, frustrated at the team’s inability to make the Yorkshire Pudding rise.

The Apostrophes’ incoherent, disjointed play resulted in first blood for Real So So Bad, as another embarrassing capitulation seemed as inevitable as income tax.

“Two, four, six, eight, our penalties are Terry Waite!” sang the crowd, enraged by Gillespie’s reluctance to deliver the penalties he had guaranteed, having sworn on the life of Stephen Hawking and the Ghost of Christopher Reeve.

With chances in short supply and the penalty spot a sad, unloved, lonely place of broken promises, the Super A’s second half harvest was certainly no festival. Inadequate defending; the dearth of opportunities; the “let’s see if I can beat my man on the edge of my own box” trickery: the team’s failings were as unsightly as they were innumerable. A debut onion bag violation from Bell was the only highlight of what proved to be a torrid day for the Apostrophes, who languish at the bottom of division II with just one game remaining.

Sporting Apostrophes fourth season has been an unqualified disaster, and, with a team divided by shirt colour, the prognosis is bleaker than a Christmas in Birmingham. A terrible injustice!

Score: 1-7
Squad: Apostolov, Bell, Hawkins, Hinceman, Lissimore, McInerney, Stickland.
Goals: Bell (1).