Sporting Apostrophes

“Kimberley’s last goal arrived before God gave the Holy Handsheathes unto Hawkins”

Sporting Apostrophes’ all-star line-up romped to a thrilling 9-3 victory in yesterday’s match against league newcomers Real Ale Madrid.

“Outstanding!” cried chairman Ernest Borgnine at the final whistle, his sex wee ricocheting across the stadium. “The team put in a fantastic performance worthy of many a celebratory visit to the temple of Onan. This result is absolutely certain to strike fear into the hearts of our Division I opponents.”

With Tina Turner’s “Simply The Best” blasting from the PA, the Super A’s danced forth from the tunnel at exactly 3.35pm, sensibly allowing ample time to arouse supporters with one of their trademark dance routines. At the head of the pack, Hawkins, Hinceman and Turner ran forth to construct the base of a human pyramid, as Farnsworth, Stickland and McInerney followed to erect the middle tier.

“They’re running out in approximate height order!” screamed the fans, unable to contain their excitement.

Following several seconds later, the out-of-form Kimberley appeared, his tiny, midget frame destined to crown the manly white chocolate Toblerone. With Kimberley in place, the team paused to allow fans to appreciate this incredible spectacle dubbed the “eighth wonder of the world.” With the fans in an uncontrollable frenzy, the team assumed their starting positions as referee Mugabe ordered the commencement of the first half.

The Super A’s were a goal to the good within a matter of minutes thanks to a trademark cannon from Farnsworth. The genuine fans gasped in awe as Kimberley added a second, ending his barren, sickening, out-of-form run of misery with one well-placed tap-in.

“Hurrah! More onion bag violations!” the fans screamed, and so it came to pass.

Real Ale Madrid replied thanks to a fierce free kick from outside the area, but the potent, phallocentric force of the Apostrophes proved irresistible as more goals soon arrived. With the score at 5-1, the team retired to their palatial dressing room at half time, the smell of victory filling all fourteen of their heroic nostrils.

The second half was a tense affair, with no onion bag violations arriving for several minutes. A solid defensive performance by Stickland thwarted the Real Ale Madrid attack on numerous occasions, as the rejuvenated, goal-hungry Super A’s sought further reward. Their insatiable appetite for goals was soon.. well… satiated somewhat, as goals from McInerney, Farnsworth, a stunning hat-trick from Turner and an incredible second from Kimberley capped a record-breaking nine-goal haul for the Super A’s, the final score being an impressive 9-3 victory.

Despite winning last Sunday, Sporting Apostrophes hopes of winning the Division I title are looking bleak; those with basic numeracy skills might even say mathematically impossible. A terrible injustice!

Score: 9-3
Squad: Farnsworth, Hawkins, Hinceman, Kimberley, McInerney, Stickland, Turner.
Goals: Farnsworth (2), Kimberley (2), McInerney (2), Turner (3).

3pm kick-off, Sunday 14th September 2008 at Powerleague Old Street.

Please leave a comment indicating your availability for this unmissable Super A’s fixture.

“With the smell of a potential victory filling their manly nostrils, the athletes accelerate to a mild canter. From left to right: Hinceman, McInerney, Stickland, Turner, Hawkins, Farnsworth, Kimberley”

League newcomers Real Ale Madrid face the daunting task of lining up against a team of Apostrophes legends:

Farnsworth
Hawkins
Hinceman
Kimberley
McInerney
Stickland
Turner

“Farnsworth strokes the ball across the hallowed red astroturf”

The Super A’s highly stimulating fixture against Rigford Sea-Hawks ended in yet another sickening defeat for the world’s greatest football team.

“The final score flattered them” opined chairman Ernest Borgnine during his televised calisthenics workout. “The boys put in a brave performance for the majority of the game, but it just wasn’t our day, despite the densely populated substitutes bench. As the saying goes: the Lord molesteth with one paw and clubbeth repeatedly in the face with t’other.”

A record-breaking total of eight players sashayed onto the pitch for the Apostrophes, to the delight of the real-life, capacity crowd.

Hinceman, keen to build upon his man-of-the-match performance against Oceans 11, strode confidently onto the pitch, accompanied by Turner, whose prosthetic ankle has been referred to FIFA’s Dubious Bodily Accoutrements Panel for investigation. The pair were followed at a distance so close some might call it homoerotic by Stickland, Kimberley and Bonell, the Swedish dynamo making his last appearance for several weeks due to international commitments.

Coming firmly up the rear, the goal-hungry Farnsworth exploded from the tunnel, like the ejaculate from a gorilla’s penis. The in-form, goal-a-game striker was joined by guest star Ginever, on trial from Scunthorpe United. Reunited with his beloved sheathes, Hawkins soon followed, his cat-like grace and horse-like features receiving wild applause from the innumerable, real-life fans.

Buoyed by the presence of substitutes, Sporting Apostrophes started the match at a ferocious pace, their energy and enthusiasm electrifying the diminutive arena. Rigford drew first blood, but the team soon replied thanks to a poachers’ goal from Farnsworth, a well-taken tap-in following a rarer-than-the-abominable-snowman on-target shot from Kimberley. The Super A’s retained possession well from then on, but it wasn’t enough to prevent the final kick of the half flying past a hapless, flailing Hawkins, his sheathes uncharacteristically devoid of their usual adhesiveness.

The team rallied in the second half, keen to level the scores as soon as possible. Hinceman and Turner dominated the midfield as new boy Ginever ran riot on the wings, whilst Farnsworth and Stickland provided the occasional goal threat. The team appeared to be on the brink of violating their opponents onion bag once more when the stand-in referee incorrectly awarded a goal to Rigford Sea-Hawks.

“Boo! A terrible injustice!” the crowd screamed as the players, sick with exhaustion, wept from their anuses.

With the referee, fate, fitness, religion, Scientology, mother nature, God and the ghost of Christopher Reeve seemingly conspiring against them, and with no Mugabe to spread the Apostrophes gospel, the team were punished further still, the final score being a terribly unfair 1-6 to the Sea-Hawks.

Tabloid rumours suggest that Shaw Tyre & Exhaust Co may terminate their lucrative deal with the Super A’s after the team fell to their ninth successive defeat. A terrible injustice!

Score: 1-6
Squad: Bonell, Farnsworth, Ginever, Hawkins, Hinceman, Kimberley, Stickland, Turner.
Goals: Farnsworth (1).

3.40pm kick-off, Sunday 7th September 2008 at Powerleague Old Street.

Please leave a comment indicating your availability for this unmissable Super A’s fixture.

“Turner is rightly proud of his custom-made, world cup shaped turtle-head prevention plug (patent pending)”

Emotional fans were turtle-heading with sexglee this afternoon upon hearing that Turner is fit and available for Sunday’s match against Rigford Sea-Hawks. The part-time sheath exponent, full-time midfield maestro will be joining a galaxy of stars for what promises to be a record-breaking turnout for the Super A’s.

“The team set off on their punishing 0.2 mile jog. From left to right: Farnsworth, Bonell, Hawkins, Kimberley, Hinceman, Stickland”

Fans’ favourite Hawkins is scheduled to report for sheath duty following his promotional tour of Berlin, accompanied by the out-of-form Kimberley. Farnsworth, rested for last week’s fixture, returns to the Super A’s starting line-up.

Bonell, Hinceman and Stickland return, having come through last Sunday’s fixture unscathed.

Lissimore’s injury keeps him sidelined, whilst top-scorer McInerney is given a well-earned break, safe in the knowledge that Kimberley could never hope to break his impressive goal tally.

Turner’s whereabouts unknown…

Probable line-up for Sunday’s clash with Rigford Sea-Hawks:

Bonell
Farnsworth
Hawkins
Hinceman
Kimberley
Stickland

“Kenyon always shakes with his right hand before reaching for his penis with his left”

Sporting Apostrophes have once again moved to dismiss tabloid rumours of Hinceman’s big-money move to London rivals Chelsea.

“Listen, I’m sick and tired of this rumour-mongering – he’s going nowhere,” chairman Ernest Borgnine reiterated during his daily press conference. “Granted, we’d listen to offers for ‘Static’ [McInerney] and we couldn’t give away Kimberley, but everyone else is untouchable.”

“The Apostrophes Prosthetics Department works yet another miracle”

Following Sunday’s bullish, muscular performance against Oceans 11, Turner’s long-term injury worries appear to be behind him.

“It’s great to have him fit again,” opined chairman Ernest Borgnine, “but that 5-year contract he’s been angling for is now bumpaper in the groundsman’s outside toilet.”

Fans’ forums are ablaze with rumours that Turner is hoping to move “on a Bosman” at the end of the next season when his £250,000-a-week contract expires.

Sunday’s action-packed fixture against Oceans 11 ended in a comparatively respectable 7-1 reverse.

“They punished us 14-1 last time” commented chairman Ernest Borgnine at the post-match press conference. “This is a smaller punishment that hurts less – like when the doctor opts to explore with his little finger in preference to his middle finger, thumb or indeed forearm, as we have experienced on too many occasions.”

The Super A’s consolation was scored by Hinceman, his first for the world famous, most excellent club whose real-life, genuine fans are legion.

Sporting Apostrophes’ hopes of winning the league this season have have suffered a huge setback following this unfortunate defeat. A terrible injustice!

Score: 1-7
Squad: Bonell, Hinceman, McInerney, Stickland, Turner.
Goals: Hinceman (1).

1.40pm kick-off, Sunday 31st August 2008 at Powerleague Old Street.

Please leave a comment indicating your availability for this unmissable Super A’s fixture.