Sporting Apostrophes

1.40pm kick-off, Sunday 12th July 2009 at Powerleague London City.

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“Kimberley’s 0.24 miles covered in Sunday’s match equals his personal best”

Sporting Apostrophes threw all the passion, ability and hair they could collectively muster at their opponents 5IVE last Sunday, but it wasn’t enough to stop them swigging from the brown Thermos labelled ‘Defeat Liquor’.

“They’re top o’ the table, unbeaten n’ able,” conceded chairman Ernest Borgnine, his pride outweighing his disappointment by a ratio of 4-to-1. “We played some good football, and, with a little luck, we could have sauntered away with the full 3 points, but with the score at 4-5 we caught the scent of victory, which turned out to be the aroma of meat. It’s a mistake we’ve made several times this season, despite the increased investment in our state-of-the-art nasal programming technology.”

The capacity crowd showed their appreciation as the Super A’s galloped majestically from the players’ tunnel. This season’s top scorers, Pacheo and Correa, headed the pack, on 8 and 7 goals respectively. Stickland followed, his recent performances in defence earning much praise from the terraces. Midfield maestro Turner arrived next, making his landmark 30th appearance for the famous yellows, with Kimberley, the albino Essien, close behind. Making his second appearance on the season, Bell joined them, leaving handsheath exponent Hawkins to complete the heavenly seven.

Kick-off was preceded by a 2-hour silence in memory of Michael Jackson. Fans wept openly throughout, as the Ebony and Ivory video was projected onto the stadium, the song that single-handedly brought racial harmony and understanding to the entire universe forevermore.

The first half began cautiously, as the Apostrophes sized up their table-topping foes.

“Punish them!” screamed the crowd, but their cries fell on deaf ears.

With ten minutes on the clock, 5IVE drew first blood, a fortunate counter-attack, a most terrible injustice. Their confidence dented, the Apostrophes conceded three more in rapid succession, as the team, looking disorganised and disorientated, struggled to find their inner chi. Sporting laboured on, until the referee, looking uncharacteristically smart in his fetching black jersey, peeped on his whistle to signify the end of the first half with the Super A’s 4-0 down.

“This is bogusball, not onionball!” Turner ranted, his primal, aboriginal roots making his senses go walkabout.

Sporting Apostrophes commenced the second half with a renewed belief, their righteous, God-given entitlement to victory at the forefront of their minds. Their determination soon reaped dividends, as Pacheco scored a delicious goal, driving the partizan crowd into a frenzy in the process. More onion bag violations followed: a cannon from Correa, a rare poke from Turner and a second for Pacheco.

A mere goal behind, the Super A’s pushed forward seeking an equaliser, perhaps even an improbable victory. Unfortunately, the team’s thirst for onion left them vulnerable at the rear, as 5IVE cemented their lead with three more strikes.

“A valiant effort, but it wasn’t to be,” a dejected Kimberley told reporters gathered outside the stadium after the match, as the player dubbed “Birmingham Molby” drove off in his souped-up, luxury Montego Estate.

Sporting Apostrophes lie eighth in the table: their dreams of promotion, whilst mathematically possible, appear as distant as an interplanetary Rory Delap throw-in. A terrible injustice!

Score: 4-7

Squad: Bell, Correa, Hawkins, Kimberley, Pacheco, Stickland, Turner.
Goals: Pacheco (2), Correa (1), Turner (1).

3pm kick-off, Sunday 5th July 2009 at Powerleague London City.

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“Hawkins and Kimberley show their ‘Birmingham Flair’ in a game of street onionball, in a rare, previously unreleased photo from the Apostrophes archive.”

Last Sunday’s encounter with promotion-chasing Frutti di Mare resulted in a 10-2 mauling for the Super A’s.

“They were better than us: you better, you better, you bet,” chairman Ernest Borgnine waxed lyrically on his diamond-encrusted microphone, aping The Who’s Roger Daltrey. “We’re following the same worrying trend as last season: 7 points from the first 5 matches, then disastercatastrophe. It’s not good enough: we need to turn the beat around.”

Onion bag violations for Correa and Pacheco were the only highlights of what proved to be a miserable day for the world’s favourite football team. A terrible injustice!

Score: 2-10

Squad: Bell, Correa, Farnsworth, Kimberley, Pacheco, Stickland.
Goals: Correa (1), Pacheco (1).

1.40pm kick-off, Sunday 28th June 2009 at Powerleague London City.

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“Hinceman’s 3-week promotional tour of North America began with an action-packed cameo for MLS side LA Soccerplanets”

Sporting Apostrophes produced an abundance of egg, a veritable footballing omelette, but failed to take home the bacon in last Sunday’s nail-biting encounter with Flat Back Four.

“It was so very close. I could taste the three points on the tip of my tongue, around my gummy teeth and even in the back of my throat,” protested chairman Ernest Borgnine, his grief as deep-seated and meaningful as that of a motherless child. “We’ve flirted with Lady Luck this season, but on too many occasions we’ve gone home with her brother, Dave Misfortune.”

A predictably excellent line-up graced the hallowed astroturf: a footballing hurricane, as devastating as Katrina, more intimidating than the mythical Boreas, Eurus, Notus and Zephyrus combined.

The entrée was a delightful spectacle, as the Apostrophes treated the capacity crowd and innumerable tellybox audience to some first class onionball.

“Hurrah!” shouted the partizan crowd, with considerable justification.

Onion bag violations flowed: stereo tip-tap from Pacheco, solitary Haley’s Comet from Farnsworth, but Flat Back Four responded with unjustness thrice.

Dessert began with a magnificent effort from Correa, a blistering run down the left channel. An Apostrophes victory looked certain, until two late, unjust goals from their opponents cheated them of the victory that was theirs by divine right.

With the halfway point of season V approaching, Sporting Apostrophes continue to linger uncomfortably close to the foot of the division II table. A terrible injustice!

Score: 4-5

Squad: Correa, Farnsworth, Hawkins, Hinceman, Pacheco, Stickland, Turner.
Goals: Pacheco (2), Correa (1), Farnsworth (1).

3.40pm kick-off, Sunday 21st June 2009 at Powerleague London City.

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“Wessely is dispatched to the sin-bin by referee Chris Griffin”

Sunday’s ill-tempered match against Minety ended in a disappointing loss for the world’s favourite football team.

“They’re rotten pigs, that’s what they are!” protested chairman Ernest Borgnine, incensed by the gamesmanship and ungentlemanly conduct employed by Sporting Apostrophes’ opponents. “Worse still, Minety take their name from a filthy, gypsy village in Wiltshire! Honestly, it makes me sick from my testes to my stomach – more commonly known as my abdomen.”

A familiar line-up of internationally renowned “Apostrophes Galacticos” graced the astroturf, to the delight of the capacity crowd. Making his landmark 30th appearance, and his first of season V, McInerney appeared first from the tunnel to rapturous applause. The aging striker was joined by “guarantee” Farnsworth, his reduced scoring rate a cause for concern on the terraces. Midfield wizards Wessely and Turner soon followed, accompanied by Hinceman, the “Leaning Tower of Shoreditch” eager to add to his wonder-strike, a fussballblitzkreigstürmer scored in his previous match. Recent signing Correa came next, his goal-a-game form adding some much needed firepower to the squad, with Hawkins, at the rear, completing the magnificent septet.

Referee Chris Griffin started proceedings with a confident “toot!” of his whistle. Sporting Apostrophes immediately surged forward, the irresistible odeur de oignon like a red flag to a büll with an unnecessary umlaut. Farnsworth drew first blood, a trademark cannon from an improbable distance. With the fans’ cheers still echoing around the stadium, Minety equalised, an uncharacteristic error from “Handsheath” Hawkins. Bullish, steamroller manball from Hinceman and Correa kept the scores at one apiece, as Turner and Wessely added hundreds-and-thousands by the handful.

Fans expectations for the second half were sky high, but the Apostrophes, faced with unsporting, undignified behaviour from their opponents, looked unlikely to sup at the fountain of victory. Their Achilles heel, stamina, proved their undoing for the umpteenth time, as Minety took full advantage, adding another three onion bag violations without reply.

“This is a terrible injustice!” Wessely protested, with liberal use of swear words thrown in for good measure.

“It’s the Bin of Sin for you son!” replied the referee, exerting his Fritzl-like authority with considerable panache.

A player down and three goals behind, Sporting Apostrophes left the field at the end of the match ruing chances missed and the curse of poor stamina. A terrible injustice!

Score: 1-4

Squad: Correa, Farnsworth, Hawkins, Hinceman, McInerney, Turner, Wessely.
Goals: Farnsworth (1).

TBC kick-off, Sunday 14th June 2009 at Powerleague London City.

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“Turner influences the ball’s trajectory using the gravitational pull of his testes”

It was all square in the final installment of the Super A’s double header last Sunday, the points being shared with league newcomers Chosen Men.

“Two wins on the bounce would have been incredible, and we fought hard for the 3 points, but we’re happy with the final result,” opined chairman Ernest Borgnine at the final whistle. “Over the course of the day we took 4 points from 6: not to be sniffed at, and a step in the right direction in our quest for promotion.”

Match highlights include: Hinceman ending his 9-match onion famine; end-to-end tippy-tap from Turner; granite, Easter Island defending from Lissimore; Kimberley making his landmark 40th appearance for the Super A’s.

Despite earning a point, Apostrophes fans were dismayed to hear that Lissimore’s cracked toe will keep him sidelined for 10 weeks. A terrible injustice!

Score: 2-2

Squad: Correa, Hawkins, Hinceman, Kimberley, Lissimore, Pacheco, Stickland, Turner.
Goals: Hinceman (1), Pacheco (1).

“Hinceman regrets the decision to stop applying sun cream at chin level”

Sporting Apostrophes’ assault on the division II title took a sizable step forward last Sunday with a convincing 4-1 victory against U.B.O.C.

“It’s always a close, physical game against U.B.O.C., so it was a real pleasure to take all 3 points,” enthused chairman Ernest Borgnine, his pleasure evident from the freshly inked Gloria Estefan tattoo smiling innocently from his bare, waxed chest. “We didn’t get a single point off them last season: the devil season, season IV, the season of which I will never speak again.”

Match highlights include: double-layer onion cake for both Correa and Pacheco; Stickland celebrating his third win in nineteen appearances; top-drawer man-flinging from Herr Hawkins.

Apostrophes fans’ hopes of promotion look optimistic, as the team lie mid-table, a full 8 points behind league leaders 5IVE. A terrible injustice!

Score: 4-1

Squad: Correa, Hawkins, Hinceman, Kimberley, Lissimore, Pacheco, Stickland, Turner.
Goals: Correa (2), Pacheco (2).

3.40pm kick-off, Sunday 7th June 2009 at Powerleague London City.

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