Sporting Apostrophes

“Kimberley strides to victory”

The ever-robust U.B.O.C. put in a spirited performance last Sunday, but it wasn’t enough to halt the well-oiled Sporting Apostrophes machine.

“Another solid performance, another 3 points on the board,” chairman Ernest Borgnine boasted, his delight evident from beaming smile on his anus. “Every match this season has been Rosie Gaines, but we’re feasting on the onion more than ever before. We must keep up the momentum in the coming weeks, as there are tough fixtures on the horizon.”

Fans’ forums were ablaze all week with rumours of a return for Sweden’s Bonell, following his premature retirement at the end of season IV. Their hopes were confirmed when a blonde-headed figure appeared from the tunnel, as a progressive rock mega-mix blared from the stadium tannoy.

“Vill du ha lök? Jag ger er lök!” Bonell promised the die-hard fans in the Grammar End.

The Swede was joined by Portugal’s Pacheco, the only Super A’s player to have appeared in every match of the season to date. Hinceman followed, the American eager to build on his improbable hat-trick against Team Wang. Columbia’s Correa came next, last season’s top scorer, hoping to open his season VI account. From The Land That Goals Forgot, Stickland joined the assembled throng, leaving Hawkins, of dubious origin, to complete the Apostrophes line-up.

A 60-minute montage of Sporting Apostrophes’ greatest moments was broadcast before kick-off to celebrate the team’s 70th match. Fans openly wept, through pride rather than shame, as a list of achievements rolled across the JumboTron screen:

“Played 69; won 18; drawn 4; lost 47; scored 288; conceded 493…”

With the celebrations out of the way, U.B.O.C. kicked off the first tranche.

“Målbur!” roared the fans, as Bonell chalked up his third goal in four appearances against U.B.O.C., a sweet drive from the edge of the box. Pacheco made it two, but the Apostrophes lust for onion left them vulnerable, allowing their opponents to punish them on the break. Tempers flared as the game descended into an ugly, handbag-ridden meat-fest, before referee Gillespie blew for oranges.

The Sporting Apostrophes half-time talk was inspiring, evoking vivid images of the final days of Christopher Reeve. Suitably motivated, the team resolved to make amends for the disappointing prequel. Correa stepped up to the plate with a fine hat-trick, his third for the world famous club. Hinceman and Stickland added T-bone and rump respectively, leaving Pacheco to complete his brace. Hawkins tended goal with aplomb, despite his life-threatening shoulder injury, as the Apostrophes proceeded to dominate the final quarter. The final kick of the game was a U.B.O.C. violation, but for the fifth week in a row, the Super A’s had come from behind to quaff Pimm’s from the victor’s Thermos.

Sporting Apostrophes remain the only unbeaten team in division II, their unblemished record as moving as a nativity play in a special school. A terrible injustice!

Score: 6-4
Squad: Bonell, Correa, Hawkins, Hinceman, Pacheco, Stickland.
Goals: Correa (3), Pacheco (2), Bonell (1).

“The Super A’s talk tactics and male grooming during a break in play. Left to right: Farnsworth, Stickland, Wessely, Hawkins, Pacheco, Kimberley.”

For the first time in their history, Sporting Apostrophes sit at the top of the division II table, following a narrow victory against promotion rivals Green Park.

“Jesus on a moped! What a fantastic encounter!” said a jubilant Ernest Borgnine, intoxicated by the magnificence of the affair. “They’re a quality side: this is the first time we’ve beaten them in six attempts, a year and a day from our first encounter. The boys dug deeper than a deep Douglas, you dig?”

Sunday’s match was preceded by the official launch of the new Sporting Apostrophes team strip. The city of London came to a standstill as hundreds of thousands of real, legitimate fans gathered to witness the world’s favourite team in their vibrant yellow shirts.

“Och aye! I cannae believe their embroidered badges!” commented one goatee-wearing player from One Flew Into The Keepers Net, foaming at the mouth through either envy or drunkenness.

As a special treat for the assembled throng, the Apostrophes players performed a sterling rendition of Gary Glitter’s “It’s Good To Be Back”, substituting the word “hello” with “yellow” throughout. Wessely led the chorus, marking his 30th appearance for the Apostrophes, against the same opponents he faced on this debut. Farnsworth and Correa added percussion, the two free-scoring players vying for the coveted brown plimsole in season Vi. Kimberley added much needed baritone to the equation from his squat, powerful frame, supported by Hawkins on human beatbox. Pacheo’s triangle added some pleasing but unnecessary magic to the composition, as Stickland performed a maudlin mime piece, his 19 competitive hours without a goal having left him mute and delirious.

Green Park kicked off the first half in confident mood, stroking the onion with much passion, coveting it like a fat man at an all-you-can-eat buffet. Their efforts soon came to fruition, as their forward line scythed through the Apostrophes with scant resistance, leading to the first violation. Three more arrived in rapid succession, leaving the Super A’s shocked as though raw onion had been rub-a-dub-dubbed into each of their fourteen eyes.

“Detta är struntprat! Var är löken?” raged Apostrophes legend Bonell, unable to contain his frustration. (The Swede, seated in the Royal Box with the prawn sandwich brigade, never faced Green Park during his illustrious career).

Sporting Apostrophes, wounded like a wounded animal, wounded by bleach, hit with sticks, then set on fire, then eaten by pirates, felt the weight of the injustice on each and every one of their fourteen shoulders. Farnsworth and Pacheco made amends to some degree with unstoppable cannons and tippy-tappy sex-shots respectively, but it wasn’t enough to stop the team ending the half in the toilet labelled “hermaphrodite”.

After such a disappointing starter, the main course required digestion and meat-factor. Wessely and Correa ran tirelessly, supported by a tiring, tired Kimberley. Stickland sought the unachievable spring onion, leaving Hawkins to the man-flinging, with the forward pairing of Farnsworth and Pacheco delivering punishment up top. A titanic effort by “the magnificent seven” brought the score to 7-apiece, before the Apostrophes grabbed the winner with just seconds to spare. Green Park chased an equaliser to the death, but their efforts were denied by a resilient Hawkins, leaving the Apostrophes to clinch a slender 8-7 victory.

Sporting Apostrophes’ improbable assault on the division II title continues apace, astonishing fans and bookies alike. A terrible injustice!

Score: 8-7

Squad: Correa, Farnsworth, Hawkins, Kimberley, Pacheco, Stickland, Wessely.
Goals: Farnsworth (4), Pacheco (4).

“Gillespie sin-bins Pacheco without even looking at him, demonstrating his superior refereeing powers”

Sporting Apostrophes winning start to season VI continued with a hard-earned victory against old rivals Team Wang.

“It could have gone either way, but the yellows dug deep to claim the three points,” remarked chairman Ernest Borgnine, perspiration rolling down his forehead, such was the excitement and drama of the spectacle. “That’s now three wins on the bounce – a new club record that we’re justifiably proud of.”

The drama unfolded before the game had even begun, as the Super A’s started the match with just four players. “terrorist” Farnsworth, Hawkins, Kimberley and Pacheco played a low-tempo cautionball, as they waited anxiously for reinforcements. Despite their numerical disadvantage, Kimberley poked home a sweet drive, the culmination of a lengthy period of possession for the Apostrophes.

A shadow fell upon the stadium and the temperature plummeted, as the sun disappeared, blocked out by the sudden presence of Hinceman.

“He’s such a tardy Yank!” cried the fans, as the “beast from Baltimore” waited patiently for a break in play so as to join the melee.

The American made his presence felt immediately, helping the Apostrophes to a 2-0 lead, courtesy of some delicious sexball from Pacheco. Fans expected and hoped for a torrent of goals, but Team Wang fought back, the equaliser coming by way of a nutmeg flavoured Hawkins doughnut. Sporting Apostrophes fell behind, before Hinceman levelled the scores on the stroke of half time.

The Super A’s kicked off the second half, tired, but determined to take the spoils of onion war. Farnsworth’s appetite was demonstrated by his eagerness to take free kicks, regardless of which team they were awarded to. “Johnny come lately” Hinceman endeared himself to the fans with two sweetly taken touchdowns, completing his first hat-trick for the Apostrophes, as the game started to turn ugly with the score at 5-apiece.

“You are rubbish – I am brilliant!” said Pacheco, chastising his opposite number and receiving much the same in return. Handbags flailed, words were exchanged, and Pacheco was given his marching orders by referee Dizzy Gillespie.

“It must be the right decision, he’s the best ref in the league, probably the world,” agreed the fans. “He so good, he can officiate whilst talking to people on the sidelines and not even looking. Incredible!”

A man down and with full-time looming, Sporting Apostrophes fans feared the worst, until Farnsworth knocked in the winner, elevating the crowd into a state of uncontrollable, Ghost of Princess Diana ecstasy.

“Toot!” went Gillespie’s whistle, leaving the jubilant yellows to celebrate a narrow victory in front of die-hard fans in the Grammar End.

Season VI continues to excite fans and pundits alike, as the Super A’s battle for promotion gains momentum, though the privilege of leading the table is given to Green Park on goal difference. A terrible injustice!

Score: 6-5
Squad: Farnsworth, Hawkins, Hinceman, Kimberley, Pacheco.
Goals: Hinceman (3), Farnsworth (1), Kimberley (1), Pacheco (1).

“Farnsworth opens his season VI account with an impressive strike”

The Apostrophes kicked off their historic sixth season in great style, overcoming opponents VJJ in a thrilling 6-4 victory.

“That’s the way to do it!” exclaimed chairman Ernest Borgnine, aping Mr. Punch. “Our rigorous preseason, conducted in just seven days, has transformed the team beyond recognition. It’s astonishing: reminiscent of Bill Bixby’s transformation into Lou Ferrigno’s Hulk. Their hard work has reaped dividends, but it’s the intensive diet programme that’s paramount: quiche for the defenders, onions for the boys up top, with the lads in the middle on the black pudding.”

Match highlights include: Hannigan-Daley’s third consecutive 5-goal haul, making 20 goals in just 5 appearances; “guarantee” Farnsworth’s inevitable strike; meat-based hula hoop from the midfield trio of Correa, Turner, Wessely; the return of matador Pacheco; Stickland’s handsheath left and rightery.

Sporting Apostrophes open season VI with an impressive victory, but are denied the privilege of leading the table due to Green Park’s superior number of onions peeled. A terrible injustice!

Score: 6-4
Squad: Correa, Farnsworth, Hannigan-Daley, Pacheco, Stickland, Turner, Wessely.
Goals: Hannigan-Daley (5), Farnsworth (1).

Hannigan-Daley celebrates his fifth goal with a traditional Canadian man-flip

An onion hailstorm of Biblical proportions swept Powerleague London City, as Sporting Apostrophes defeated division II champions 5IVE in an astonishing 22-goal thriller.

“That’s the most we’ve ever scored – what a fantastic way to end the season!” exclaimed a delighted Ernest Borgnine at the post match press conference. “Let this be a warning to our division II rivals: Sporting Apostrophes’ assault on the division II crown will begin in earnest next week.”

Sporting Apostrophes boasted a compact, attack-minded line-up for their final match of season V. With the exception of handsheath exponent Hawkins, tending goal, and Stickland, on a tortuous, 25-match onion famine, the Super A’s team sheet promised violations in abundance, headed by the fearsome, onion-hunting trident of Correa, Farnsworth and Hannigan-Daley.

Fans were aghast to see Apostrophes legend Kimberley lining up for opponents 5IVE. With transfer deadline day fast approaching, rumours of an extended loan deal for the team’s “albino Essien” swept the stadium.

“You meaty rotter! You beef traitor!” they cried, with some justification.

The first slice was served piping hot, as Hannigan-Daley drew first blood. Another violation soon followed, as the Apostrophes, rooted in sixth position regardless of the day’s result, played without inhibition, delivering a new and exciting sexball unknown to mere mortals.

“We’ll hammer them! Easy! Easy!” the hopelessly optimistic fans roared.

As inevitable as death and taxes, the Apostrophes collapse was as spectacular as it was demoralising. A wretched, half-baked performance by Hawkins, combined with some unorthodox defending by his brothers in arms, led to a flurry of goals for the enemy. The stadium JumboTron read 3-8 when referee Chris Griffin, pitying the world’s favourite team, blew his whistle of mercy to signify the end of the first born doughnut.

When the chips are down and the syndrome is rife, Sporting Apostrophes’ steely determination is usually found wanting, but the players refused to lie face down sans trousers. A flurry of violations from the team’s irrepressible forward line brought fear to the champions, as the ghost of Princess Diana might scare a vulnerable orphan. Fans whooped like a spastic Tarzan as the Apostrophes’ endeavours levelled the scores at 10-apiece, when suddenly, with the final seconds of the game remaining, two beautiful, blessed, new born onions were delivered by the sweetest of vegetable C-sections, making the the final score 12-10.

The final whistle brought an end to the Apostrophes’ record-breaking match, a fitting end to their historic fifth season. As season VI looms on the horizon, the stench of onwards and upwardness permeates every synthetic fibre like a potent, flammable, terrorist fart. A terrible injustice!

Score: 12-10
Squad: Correa, Farnsworth, Hannigan-Daley, Hawkins, Stickland.
Goals: Hannigan-Daley (5), Farnsworth (4), Correa (3).

“Left to right: Hannigan-Daley, Hawkins, Stickland, Hinceman, Kimberley, Correa, referee Candy, Turner.”

Sporting Apostrophes were eliminated on goal difference in last Saturday’s thrill-a-minute Twilight Football Tournament.

“3 wins, a draw and a loss: 10 points from a possible 15. Everything was looking rosy,” explained Ernest Borgnine, unpacking his suitcase, his dreams of a trip to Australia in tatters. “Despite not winning, or even making the knockout stages, only a fool would dispute the fact that we were easily the team of the tournament.”

The Super A’s team sheet boasted an incredible, eye-watering quantity of raw talent, each man blessed with the speed of Usain Bolt, the strength of Geoff Capes, the footballing talent of Pele and the comic timing of Paul Hogan. Athletes of this calibre a born not made. Cheers erupted from every corner of the stadium, as the seven heroes galloped forth from the players’ tunnel in alphabetical order: Correa, Hannigan-Daley, Hawkins, Hinceman, Kimberley, Stickland and Turner.

Fans’ favourite John Candy made a welcome return to Powerleague London City to referee the world famous Apostrophes.

“It’s a privilege to officiate this team, they’re brilliant. Brilliant on a stick. Brilliant, on a stick, covered in toffee, then sprinkled with hundreds and thousands. Honestly, can you imagine anything more brilliant than that? No, I thought not,” said Candy, as the Super A’s kicked off the opening match.

Sporting Apostrophes, kings of the astroturf, dominated each and every one of their 9-minute fixtures on the luxurious 7-a-side pitch, reserved specially for their premium onionball. Hannigan-Daley chalked up an astonishing five onion bag violations, as Correa and Hinceman each feasted on stereo onion sandwiches. Man-defending by Kimberley and Stickland helped Hawkins to maintain three clean satin sheets, whilst Turner covered every inch of the artificial grass.

With their team sitting proudly at the top of the group, Apostrophes fans were already looking ahead to the quarter finals. Tragically, their hopes were soon dashed, following a series of matches where the onion harvest was plentiful, but left the bitter taste of deceit in one’s trousers.

“It’s a fix! A fix!” fans cried, convinced the sub-standard teams at the foot of the table has been nobbled like a broken biscuit, but their protests fell on deaf ears.

Sporting Apostrophes bowed gracefully to the capacity crowd, then retired to the buffet in order of appetite: Kimberley, Stickland, Hinceman, Kimberley again, Hawkins, Correa, Kimberley again, Turner, Hannigan-Daley, and finally, Kimberley.

Match 1: Sporting Apostrophes 2-0 Roy Castle Rovers
Goals: Hannigan-Daley (2).

Match 2: F&C 0-1 Sporting Apostrophes
Goals: Hannigan-Daley (1).

Match 3: RPFC 4-0 Sporting Apostrophes

Match 4: Sporting Apostrophes 4-0 DBS FC
Goals: Hannigan-Daley (2), Correa (1), Hinceman (1).

Match 5: Sporting Apostrophes 2-2 Upminster Park
Goals: Correa (1), Hinceman (1).

Squad: Correa, Hannigan-Daley, Hawkins, Hinceman, Kimberley, Stickland, Turner.
Total goals: Hannigan-Daley (5), Correa (2), Hinceman (2).

“Stickland, Kimberley, Farnsworth and Correa combine to form a wall of pure, unadulterated talent”

Sporting Apostrophes fans were treated to a robust display of mid-tempo onionball in Sunday’s encounter with promotion favourites Frutti di Mare.

“It was a solid performance today – one of the best team performances of the season,” enthused chairman Ernest Borgnine. “Our line-up for this fixture was like a breeze block covered in lipstick: it might not be pretty, but Christ, you can’t help but think of penetrating its holes.”

The capacity crowd showed its considerable enthusiasm for the “Fantastic Five” as they sashayed from the players’ tunnel. Hawkins was granted the privilege of appearing first, making his landmark, record-breaking 50th appearance for the world famous club.

“50 matches – it brings tears to my eyes and my penis,” he wept, addressing fans over the stadium PA. “I can still clearly remember the first ever Sporting Apostrophes match back at Old Street as if it were only yesterday.”

Kimberley, a veteran of that historic day, supported the Liberace-style trail on Hawkins ceremonial cape, embroidered with 5 golden stars, one for each onion bag violation. Immediately behind him, Correa, Stickland and Farnsworth formed a human pyramid in a perspex tank containing 467 footballs, one for each goal conceded by the team since the Apostrophes’ birth.

“Hurrah!” cried the fans, with some justification.

The Super A’s kicked off the first half with an air of trepidation, aware that the humidity and lack of substitutes presented a significant obstacle. A sedate, leisurely display of onion-stroking was the soup du jour, the team showing a surprising level of foresight. The Apostrophes’ strategy looked as though it might bear fruit, as the team maintained possession, but Frutti di Mare drew first quiche with a well taken drive. Farnsworth, back in the line-up following his promotional tour in Thailand, levelled the scores with a trademark cannon, before referee Chris Griffin blew the half time whistle.

Sporting Apostrophes, eager to earn a valuable three points that would see them close the gap on Green Park, increased the tempo after the break. This noble but foolhardy tactic proved their undoing, as Frutti di Mare made good use of their numerical advantage.

Goals from Correa and Farnsworth kept up the pressure, until late in the second half, when the referee awarded a penalty with the score at 3-4. Farnsworth confidently placed the ball on the spot and awaited the referee’s whistle. The innumerable fans released a sigh of resignation, knowing Farnsworth’s dismal record with spot kicks, as the ball whistled past the left post.

With energy levels in short supply, Sporting Apostrophes laboured on, as Frutti di Mare sought more goals to cement their impending victory. Kimberley and Stickland helped spare the team’s blushes with some stoic defending, aided by Hawkins’ top-drawer manflinging.

After 40 minutes of hard-fought onionball, the team trudged off the astroturf to commiserate a 5-3 reverse, their dreams of a record-breaking fifth place finish in tatters. A terrible injustice!

Score: 3-5
Squad: Correa, Farnsworth, Hawkins, Kimberley, Stickland.
Goals: Farnsworth (2), Correa (1).

“awaiting picture – coming soon”

It was three onions apiece in Sporting Apostrophes’ ill-tempered encounter with league newcomers Flat Back Four last Sunday.

“They’re filthy, rotten cheats!” chairman Ernest Borgnine protested. “They tried every trick in the book to get Pacheco sin-binned, and, to my dismay, they eventually succeeded. I’m sure their kit must break league regulations too: it’s black and pink vertical penises! How on earth can that be allowed!”

Match highlights include: a jumbo serving of onion bag violations for Pacheco, his first hat-trick for the Super A’s; a man-of-the-match performance from Kimberley, his first of the season; top-drawer handsheathing from multi-use Stickland; a welcome return for “the beast”; another remarkable injury-free performance from the aging Turner; “juryman” Bell delivering justice down the flanks.

As the end of the season nears, Sporting Apostrophes remain rooted in sixth place, the smell of promotion as distant and unrecognisable as a the ghost of Princess Diana. A terrible injustice!

Score: 3-3

Squad: Bell, Hinceman, Kimberley, Pacheco, Stickland, Turner.
Goals: Pacheco (3).

“Pacheco runs onion rings around every man on the pitch, Bell included, to score his second half wonder-goal”

Sunday’s “onionball classico” against Minety ended in a disappointing 7-2 reverse for the Apostrophes.

“I was really hoping we’d do a number on this shower after the ill-tempered meeting we had with them earlier in the season,” remarked chairman Ernest Borgnine at the post-match press orgy. “We were just a goal down at half time, and I genuinely thought we’d get the 3 points, but the well-oiled Apostrophes machine blew a gasket yet again. It angers me when the boys serve up a delicious entrée, then proceed to ruin everyone’s appetite with an abysmal dessert.”

Fans showed their appreciation for the Apostrophes legends as they took to the astroturf in approximate order of skin complexion. 14-goal top scorer Correa was first, followed closely by Pacheco, making his tenth appearance for the super yellows. The comparatively dusky pair were soon joined by Turner, with a swarthy Kimberley just inches behind. Average Bell and golden Wessely made it six, with a pasty Hawkins trailing far behind to complete the magnificent seven.

The first half was a war of attrition, with each side over-populating the midfield area in an effort to dominate.

“We’ll never win this game with a 0-4-0 formation!” the fans shouted, but their tactical nous fell on deaf ears.

Turner and Wessely chalked up the miles, but with limited space on the pitch, opportunities were limited to a handful of long-range efforts and a half-chance for Bell.

A goal down thanks to a fortunate poke past Hawkins, Sporting Apostrophes fans were hoping for more potency during part deux. A solid strike into the bottom-left corner of Minety’s net was just reward for Correa’s endeavours. Pacheco made it Twix with an astonishing solo effort, a definite candidate for the prestigious Onion Bag Violation Of The Season award.

With the JumboTron reading 3-2 to the infidels, fans prayed for a generous serving of onion, but a spectacular collapse from the Super A’s soon dashed their somewhat unrealistic hopes.

“This is poo! No, really, it is! Like a jar of Nutella, where the Nutella has been scooped out, and some wag has put poo in! And then you’ve only gone and eaten it! Then served it at a childrens’ party! Then, to add further insult, stuffed Ferrero Rocher with it and served it to diplomats!” raged one particularly irate fan.

Referee Chris Griffin brought proceedings to their inevitable conclusion with a firm toot on his whistle, leaving the Apostrophes to rue opportunities missed and onion served stone-cold.

Sporting Apostrophes remain sixth in the table: an inhospitable no man’s land, where promotion is a distant dream, relegation an unloved biscuit bereft of chocolate coating. A terrible injustice!

Score: 2-7
Squad: Bell, Correa, Hawkins, Kimberley, Pacheco, Turner, Wessely.
Goals: Correa (1), Pacheco (1).

“No shermanizing from Stickland, just quality deputising”

Sporting Apostrophes chalked up another three points on Sunday in what proved to be a chaotic match for the world’s favourite football team.

“We had very few players fit and available this week,” chairman Ernest Borgnine conceded. “With transport problems and last-minute alcohol injuries thrown into the mix, it’s remarkable that we managed to get anything from this game, but I’m proud of the boys nonetheless.”

With so few players available for selection, Cameo made his second appearance of the season, and, remarkably, his son pulled on the famous yellow jersey for the first time, such was the Apostrophes’ need.

Match highlights include: an incredible 5-goal haul for Hannigan-Daley, capping a virtuoso performance; Stickland’s clean silk sheets in the second half; Correa’s trademark, bullish play, buoyed by stereo onion; Pacheco’s refusal to take the field until all three points were in the bag; Cameo and his son helping the Super A’s cause.

The Super’s A’s lie sixth in the table, their hopes of promotion less likely than a Bobby Robson omelette. A terrible injustice!

Score: 8-4

Squad: Cameo, Cameo Jnr, Correa, Hannigan-Daley, Pacheco, Stickland.
Goals: Hannigan-Daley (5), Correa (2), Cameo (1).

“Hawkins shows the fans the incredible goalscoring face of Correa”

Sporting Apostrophes’ thrill-a-minute fixture with old rivals Green Park ended in a narrow 3-2 defeat for the Super A’s.

“Regardless of the result, you can’t help but shower praise on both sets of players following a match of that quality,” enthused chairman Ernest Borgnine. “The game had everything: skill, flair, passion, astroturf, onion bag violations, you name it. Three points would have been the icing on the cake, but as it transpired we got none, so it was more like the poo-soiling on the hand-made leather uppers.”

Bell and Correa, rested for last week’s fixture, returned to the starting line-up. Making his landmark 25th appearance for the famous yellows, Stickland joined the pair, accompanied by “guarantee” Farnsworth. “adhesive digits” Hawkins resumed sheathmaster duties, with midfield maestro Wessely and Pacheco completing the “sete magníficos.”

“Astroturf Godfather” Dizzy Gillespie, given the privilege of refereeing the world’s favourite club for the umpteenth time, peeped his whistle to commence the match. From the outset, Sporting Apostrophes, eager to continue their good run of form, played premium, high-tempo deliciousball orchestrated by Pacheco and Wessely from the middle of the park.

“Esta equipa cheiro muito bom!” Green Park’s manager screamed, though few could understand him.

Against the will of God and indeed the run of play, Green Park drew first blood, to the dismay of the partizan crowd. Another soon followed, leaving Sporting Apostrophes with a two goal deficit and a stadium filled with irate supporters.

“This isn’t delicious at all, it’s just rubbish!” they cried, somewhat unfairly.

Fans’ hopes were restored by a Farnsworth spot kick, put away neatly at the second attempt. Correa levelled the scores with a unique “face volley,” before Powerleague’s greatest referee blew for the orange segment party.

“Eles são bons, mas você tem que negar-lhes cebola oportunidade!” yelled Green Park’s manager, though few could understand him.

The Super A’s rained shot after shot upon Green Park’s goal, an almost Biblical shower of onion hailstones, each bigger than a Geoff Capes floater. A sterling performance by Green Park’s sheathmaster, the post and downright bad luck denied the world a Sporting Apostrophes victory that would have been more beautiful than a Nelson Mandela handshake.

For the third time this season, Sporting Apostrophes retired to the luxurious splendour of their Changing and Manly Regeneration Complex having lost by a solitary goal, a single, orphan devil-onion authored by the loins of the opposition. A terrible injustice!

Score: 2-3
Squad: Bell, Correa, Farnsworth, Hawkins, Pacheco, Stickland, Wessely.
Goals: Correa (1), Farnsworth (1).

“Stickland’s pins: as blurry as the memory of his last goal, scored way back in June 2008”

A ticker-tape parade greeted Sporting Apostrophes’ victorious heroes following their second consecutive victory, a first for the world famous club.

“It’s fitting that this miracle happened on the occasion of our 60th match,” an elated Ernest Borgnine commented, his pride swelling visibly within his corduroys. “Two wins on the bounce – perhaps the boys can make it three next Sunday against Green Park? OK, so we’ve never beaten them and they’re on a good run of form, but where there’s a will there’s a Ray Charles.”

Fans were treated to a festival of onion as every outfield player chalked up a strike, with the notable exception of Stickland, whose last goal came over a year ago. “guarantee” Farnsworth delivered on his promises with stereo violations, while Pacheco added to his impressive tally of 9 from 7, putting pressure on current top scorer Correa. Wessely scored a sublime top-corner effort, matched by Kimberley’s audacious “foul-kick-barge” pokeathon. Hannigan-Daley, back from exile in Canada, made it 5 in 2, following the 4 scored on his debut earlier this season, also against Team Wang.

“They’re a nice bunch Team Wang, but they seemed in a frightfully bad mood today,” said Hawkins, his mouth foaming, such was his joy at baking victory cakes. “Their jolly in the New Forest may have cost them more than they realise.”

Sporting Apostrophes quest for promotion is still alive, albeit in a comatose, anesthetised fashion, like a still-born, quaaludes-addicted tortoise called David. A terrible injustice!

Score: 6-3

Squad: Farnsworth, Hannigan-Daley, Hawkins, Kimberley, Pacheco, Stickland, Wessely.
Goals: Farnsworth (2), Hannigan-Daley (1), Kimberley (1), Pacheco (1), Wessely (1).