Sporting Apostrophes

“The Super A’s talk tactics and male grooming during a break in play. Left to right: Farnsworth, Stickland, Wessely, Hawkins, Pacheco, Kimberley.”

For the first time in their history, Sporting Apostrophes sit at the top of the division II table, following a narrow victory against promotion rivals Green Park.

“Jesus on a moped! What a fantastic encounter!” said a jubilant Ernest Borgnine, intoxicated by the magnificence of the affair. “They’re a quality side: this is the first time we’ve beaten them in six attempts, a year and a day from our first encounter. The boys dug deeper than a deep Douglas, you dig?”

Sunday’s match was preceded by the official launch of the new Sporting Apostrophes team strip. The city of London came to a standstill as hundreds of thousands of real, legitimate fans gathered to witness the world’s favourite team in their vibrant yellow shirts.

“Och aye! I cannae believe their embroidered badges!” commented one goatee-wearing player from One Flew Into The Keepers Net, foaming at the mouth through either envy or drunkenness.

As a special treat for the assembled throng, the Apostrophes players performed a sterling rendition of Gary Glitter’s “It’s Good To Be Back”, substituting the word “hello” with “yellow” throughout. Wessely led the chorus, marking his 30th appearance for the Apostrophes, against the same opponents he faced on this debut. Farnsworth and Correa added percussion, the two free-scoring players vying for the coveted brown plimsole in season Vi. Kimberley added much needed baritone to the equation from his squat, powerful frame, supported by Hawkins on human beatbox. Pacheo’s triangle added some pleasing but unnecessary magic to the composition, as Stickland performed a maudlin mime piece, his 19 competitive hours without a goal having left him mute and delirious.

Green Park kicked off the first half in confident mood, stroking the onion with much passion, coveting it like a fat man at an all-you-can-eat buffet. Their efforts soon came to fruition, as their forward line scythed through the Apostrophes with scant resistance, leading to the first violation. Three more arrived in rapid succession, leaving the Super A’s shocked as though raw onion had been rub-a-dub-dubbed into each of their fourteen eyes.

“Detta är struntprat! Var är löken?” raged Apostrophes legend Bonell, unable to contain his frustration. (The Swede, seated in the Royal Box with the prawn sandwich brigade, never faced Green Park during his illustrious career).

Sporting Apostrophes, wounded like a wounded animal, wounded by bleach, hit with sticks, then set on fire, then eaten by pirates, felt the weight of the injustice on each and every one of their fourteen shoulders. Farnsworth and Pacheco made amends to some degree with unstoppable cannons and tippy-tappy sex-shots respectively, but it wasn’t enough to stop the team ending the half in the toilet labelled “hermaphrodite”.

After such a disappointing starter, the main course required digestion and meat-factor. Wessely and Correa ran tirelessly, supported by a tiring, tired Kimberley. Stickland sought the unachievable spring onion, leaving Hawkins to the man-flinging, with the forward pairing of Farnsworth and Pacheco delivering punishment up top. A titanic effort by “the magnificent seven” brought the score to 7-apiece, before the Apostrophes grabbed the winner with just seconds to spare. Green Park chased an equaliser to the death, but their efforts were denied by a resilient Hawkins, leaving the Apostrophes to clinch a slender 8-7 victory.

Sporting Apostrophes’ improbable assault on the division II title continues apace, astonishing fans and bookies alike. A terrible injustice!

Score: 8-7

Squad: Correa, Farnsworth, Hawkins, Kimberley, Pacheco, Stickland, Wessely.
Goals: Farnsworth (4), Pacheco (4).