Sporting Apostrophes

Sporting Apostrophes fans have just received the terrible news that team regular and individual goal-scoring record holder Gary “Bulldozer” Corbett has been ruled out for a possible 15 weeks due to injury.

Corbett is renowned for his shots both on and off the pitch and also for his robust no-holds barred tackles on even the largest opponent, but it appears that these are starting to take their toll on his 30+ body. Doctors have deemed it possible the hernia that has attached itself to Corbett may be defeated by his own super-defence mechanism but it will more realistically have to be cut from him.

A rueful Corbett told a press conference “I am devastated at this recent news. I have felt pain down below for a while but suspected it might be a simple thing like pregnancy but it turns out that it is more serious. Having tried to shake it off to no avail the only option is surgery which will sadly prevent me from performing for the fans but I am sure I can count on their support through these dark times.”

“Hawkins stares into the middle distance, longing for the day he is reunited with his sheathes”

Handsheath exponent Hawkins‘ season is in ruins as his life-threatening shoulder injury stubbornly refuses to mend.

“I’ve gone through metres and metres of brown paper and at least 10 gallons of vinegar but it’s made no difference,” he whimpered. “The club witch doctor says I need at least another 4-6 weeks of rest. I’m not even allowed to look at an onion. It’s torture!”

Hawkins, author of the definitive guide to the art, science and majesty of 5-a-side goalkeeping, has made 54 appearances for the Super A’s: an all-time club record. Fans refer to him as “the black Peter Shilton” – an uncannily accurate comparison, if one overlooks the fact that Hawkins is neither black nor good in goal.

The club physiotherapist anticipates Hawkins returning to fitness for the match against Minety on 22nd November.

“The world’s greatest athletes limber up prior to Sunday’s fixture. From left to right: Kimberley, Pacheco, Turner, Bell, Hinceman, Stickland”

The “beast from Baltimore” returns to the line-up for his first appearance since June. “juryman” Bell joins him, before what could prove to be a lengthy absence in the high court.

Stickland will resume sheath duty, with Kimberley all set to make his tenth appearance of the season.

With Correa absent, Pacheco will be looking to deliver onion as the race for top-scorer intensifies. Aging midfielder Turner will complete the “seis lendas”.

Line-up for Sunday’s clash with Flat Back Four:

Bell
Hinceman
Kimberley
Pacheco
Stickland
Turner

“The team go through a punishing fitness regime before Sunday’s fixture. From left to right: Farnsworth, Bonell, Lissimore, Kimberley, McInerney, Hawkins, Hinceman, Wessely, Stickland.”

The world famous Super A’s will field the following legends for Sunday’s fixture against old rivals One Flew Into The Keepers Net:

Hawkins
Hinceman
Kimberley
Lissimore
McInerney
Wessely

With “terrorist” Farnsworth absent, McInerney and Kimberley have a golden opportunity to prove their value to the Apostrophes faithful by delivering a flurry of violations. Can they supply the vicious, penetrating ballpokes the fans crave?

“With their sponsorship deal with Shaw Tyre & Exhaust Co. in ruins, the team practice their trademark ‘back to goal, don’t defend’ manoeuvre in unbranded sweatshirts. From left to right: Lissimore, Wessely, Bonell, White, Kimberley, Hinceman, Farnsworth”

Rock biscuit Bonell is scheduled to return, his on-off tattoo injury still a source of mischief. The Swede will be joined by White, an immediate fans’ favourite following his debut hat-trick. Hinceman’s ankle, so effective in last week’s match, will be risked again against the advice of the team witch doctor.

Farnsworth, Kimberley, Lissimore and Wessely complete the Apostrophes line-up.

Sunday’s line-up

Bonell
Farnsworth
Hinceman
Kimberley
Lissimore
Wessely
White

“Turner dry wretches at the sight of Stickland’s groin injury as McInerney, in a state of arousal, unleashes the camcorder”

Stickland’s programme of advanced stretching has landed him on the Sporting Apostrophes injury list for the second time this season.

“Typical! After such a good performance on Sunday he’s now sidelined for several weeks thanks to his stupid manstretches,” moaned chairman Ernest Borgnine. “Who the hell does he think he is, Rudolf Nureyev?”

“With the smell of a potential victory filling their manly nostrils, the athletes accelerate to a mild canter. From left to right: Hinceman, McInerney, Stickland, Turner, Hawkins, Farnsworth, Kimberley”

League newcomers Real Ale Madrid face the daunting task of lining up against a team of Apostrophes legends:

Farnsworth
Hawkins
Hinceman
Kimberley
McInerney
Stickland
Turner

“The team set off on their punishing 0.2 mile jog. From left to right: Farnsworth, Bonell, Hawkins, Kimberley, Hinceman, Stickland”

Fans’ favourite Hawkins is scheduled to report for sheath duty following his promotional tour of Berlin, accompanied by the out-of-form Kimberley. Farnsworth, rested for last week’s fixture, returns to the Super A’s starting line-up.

Bonell, Hinceman and Stickland return, having come through last Sunday’s fixture unscathed.

Lissimore’s injury keeps him sidelined, whilst top-scorer McInerney is given a well-earned break, safe in the knowledge that Kimberley could never hope to break his impressive goal tally.

Turner’s whereabouts unknown…

Probable line-up for Sunday’s clash with Rigford Sea-Hawks:

Bonell
Farnsworth
Hawkins
Hinceman
Kimberley
Stickland

“The Apostrophes Prosthetics Department works yet another miracle”

Following Sunday’s bullish, muscular performance against Oceans 11, Turner’s long-term injury worries appear to be behind him.

“It’s great to have him fit again,” opined chairman Ernest Borgnine, “but that 5-year contract he’s been angling for is now bumpaper in the groundsman’s outside toilet.”

Fans’ forums are ablaze with rumours that Turner is hoping to move “on a Bosman” at the end of the next season when his £250,000-a-week contract expires.

“Onanism and bestiality: the unforgiving road to recovery offers no dignity”

Sporting Apostrophes’ list of casualties continues to grow following news that Italian defender Bocchi’s knee surgery will keep him on the sidelines until 2009 at the earliest.

“He’s a Tottenham fan, what did you expect?” sighed chairman Ernest Borgnine upon hearing the news. “I’m going to have to go to Shaw Tyre & Exhaust Co, cap in one hand, balls in the other.”

“The team work up a sinister, un-Godly sweat in their 100% polyester, non-breathable training tops purchased by the almighty Shaw Tyre & Exhaust Co. From left to right: Farnsworth, Bonell, Hawkins, Kimberley, McInerney, Turner”

Fans’ favourite Bonell is scheduled to return following his 3-match absence. The Swedish dynamo will be joined by long-term injury victim Stickland, who will don the famous yellow jersey for the first time having recovered from his knee badness.

Left back legend Lissimore will be out for a number of weeks following the toe breakage terror suffered during Sunday’s game against Los Diablos. Turner will be keeping him company on the sidelines for another week of recuperation.

Hopeless, hapless, handicapped striker Kimberley returns from his completely undeserved holiday with a point to prove. Free-scoring “hotshot” McInerney is being rested for this crucial tie, thereby gifting the equally potent Farnsworth the opportunity to add to his impressive goal tally.

Hawkins is expected to shield his precious fingers from the leather brutality of the size 5 once again, with Hinceman lining up for another impressive midfield performance.

Probable line-up for Sunday’s clash with table-toppers YOH:

Bonell
Farnsworth
Hawkins
Hinceman
Kimberley
Stickland

The Super A’s squad for Sunday’s matches is currently:

Bocchi A
Bocchi J
Bonell
Hawkins
Hodgkiss
Kimberley
McInerney
Reid (one-off celebrity guest appearance from the West Midlands speed merchant)

As this is a two-match Sunday the fee is of course doubled. For eight players it’ll be £8-a-pop (8 x 8 is of course 64 – the additional £4 will go towards a new ball, as the old one is buggered).