2.20pm kick-off, Sunday 8th February 2009 at Powerleague London City.
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“Kimberley turns up the thermostat with his dynamic play”
Arctic weather conditions could do little to subdue the potent footballing tsunami unleashed by the Super A’s last Sunday, as they romped home to an impressive 6-2 victory against Dynamo Kebab.
“Beautiful passing AND firm stabbing – I’m ecstatic!” enthused Ernest Borgnine, delighted to see the team chalk up their first three points of the season. “We could have been more direct at times: I was hoping for a few more violations, but the team played as a unit, reminiscent of the magnificent Star Fleet.”
Not unlike condensed milk, Sporting Apostrophes once again concentrated an incredible volume of talent into a slimline, threadbare line-up, undiluted by the presence of substitutes. Attacking was clearly the plat du jour; a three-pronged, Dremel-like goal weapon consisting of Farnsworth, Kimberley and McInerney was deployed up top, Sporting’s all-time top onion bag violators. With Wessely supporting from the middle and Hawkins fully sheathed, Apostrophes fans hoped for much deliciousness. Haemorraging talent from every orifice, the team were never likely to leave the die-hard Grammaticals wanting.
Unfazed by the delayed kick-off, Sporting Apostrophes took the game to their opponents from the first whistle. Anal cheers echoed around the terraces as the Super A’s drew first blood, a richly deserved Maserati from Farnsworth. An Aston Martin from McInerney, coupled with a Kimberley Kia ensured the team retired at half time with a comfortable three goal cushion.
Hawkins’ boyhood dream of keeping a clean sheet, whether at home or on the field, was thwarted by a fortunate Dynamo Kebab goal, to the the dismay of fans. Another followed, but Sporting Apostrophes’ surprisingly up-tempo work-rate reaped dividends. Some pleasing tippy-tappy football orchestrated by Wessley delivered three more goals, with “guarantee” Farnsworth completing his hat-trick, and another vicious stab from “static” McInerney, back to his best following a lengthy absence.
Sporting Apostrophes climb to fourth place in the division II league table. A terrible injustice!
Score: 6-2
Squad: Farnsworth, Hawkins, Kimberley, McInerney, Wessely.
Goals: Farnsworth (3), McInerney (2), Kimberley (1).
1.40pm kick-off, Sunday 1st February 2009 at Powerleague London City.
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“Borgnine surveys the damage to Wessley’s car following the smash that resulted in him missing the first half of Sunday’s match”
The heavens wept gentle tears for the Apostrophes throughout Sunday’s up-tempo encounter with El Paso, as the famous yellows succumbed to yet another unfortunate defeat.
“Yet again, Lady Luck was out to lunch when we needed her most” complained Ernest Borgnine, unable to contain his disappointment at the final whistle. “We played with four men for the first half, so I must commend the boys for keeping it respectable, but our quest for mid-table mediocrity has taken a vicious stab in the bum when we were prone and vulnerable.”
An unforeseeable combination of age-related injuries (McInerney) and transport calamities (Wessely) resulted in threadbare Super A’s line-up sashaying onto the sacred astroturf. Hawkins, looking resplendent in his new sheathes, continued his one-man protest at the team’s lack of sponsorship by wearing an unofficial jersey, incurring the wrath of Shaw Tyres. Eager to better his record-breaking haul last season, “goalmouth terrorist” Farnsworth soon followed, with Hinceman and Kimberley in tow, the latter visibly traumatised by the obvious lack of manpower.
The JumboTron’s digital pensive-o-meter registered maximum for the first time in the team’s history, as the Apostrophes dinked the ball from man to man, unsure of how best to overcome their numerical disadvantage. The scores remained zero apiece for several minutes, before El Paso took advantage of a rebound from Hawkins’ save to draw first blood. Another followed, before Farnsworth replied with a trademark rocket into the bottom corner. El Paso increased their advantage to three with an impressive volley, as the referee brought the first half to a close with the yellows facing an uphill struggle.
Kimberley, enraged, exhausted, dazed and confused, lifted his arms aloft and cursed the Lord, such was his uncontainable fury at the very terrible injustice.
“I spit phlegm at thee!” he shouted, as horrified fans gasped in the designated Mormon fan section.
The players’ fictional prayers were answered as Wessely appeared on the touchline, a mere footwear change away from making his season IV debut.
“Salvation!” shouted the players, relieved to be at full strength, albeit sans substitutes.
To the amazement of fans and the multi-billion television audience, Sporting Apostrophes maintained their composure in the second half. Farnsworth and Hinceman added more richly deserved onion bag violations, with a mere three responses from their substitute-rich opponents.
“With a few bodies on the bench we’d have taken them,” protested Hinceman, as the players returned to the opulent luxury of their changing complex having lost 6-3. “Bonell; Lissimore; McInerney; Stickland; Turner: where were they in our hour of need?”
Sporting Apostrophes welcome season IV with a disappointing defeat: hardly the ideal way to attract valuable sponsorship Euros. A terrible injustice!
Score: 3-6
Squad: Farnsworth, Hawkins, Hinceman, Kimberley, Wessely.
Goals: Farnsworth (2), Hinceman (1).
“Borgnine and Hinceman raid the club sperm bank to clone the next generation of elite football talent from Pele’s sacred seed”
Overview
Sporting Apostrophes’ form took a noticeable dip in the second half of the season, with just 6 points taken from a possible 21 in the last 7 matches:
W-L-W-L-W-L-D-W-L-L-L-L-L-W
McInerney and Turner’s long-term absences coincided with the team’s dismal run, leading pundits to suggest that their presence may make the difference. The pair have played together just twice this season, furthering long-standing rumours of dressing room unrest.
The Super A’s record-breaking league table finish of 7th is worthy of praise, with just 2 points separating them from 4th spot, but they’re sure to be under pressure to improve upon this in season IV.
Best Performance
Sporting Apostrophes’ 8-1 thumping of El Paso was surely the season’s stand-out moment, capped by a hat-trick for Wessely and an astonishing 5-goal haul for “guarantee” Farnsworth.
Worst Performance
The humiliating 18-2 drubbing by division II champions It’s Back was a low point – the Super A’s all-time heaviest defeat.
Goal scorers
Goalmouth terrorist Farnsworth became Sporting Apostrophes’ all-time top scorer with an incredible 22 goals this season, more than doubling McInerney’s previous record of 10, achieved in season II.
Wessely, Sporting Apostrophes’ non-blind, non-ginger Scholes, contributed an impressive 10 from midfield, his 0.83 goals-per-game ratio drawing inevitable comparisons with Ronaldo.
Following his embarrassing season II goal drought, Kimberley is once again scoring regularly, his haul of 9 in 9 clear evidence of a return to form for the diminutive striker.
Turner’s half dozen onion bag violations, scored in 6 matches, demonstrates solid progression, his goals-per-game average having improved to 1.0 from season II’s 0.88 and just 0.2 in season I.
McInerney made just 3 appearances, but his 5 goals (1.67 goals-per-game) helped the Super A’s to run out as victors twice.
Man-of-the-Match awards
“Big Ben” Hinceman, Sporting Apostrophes token American, was the stand-out player of season III, his 10 appearances resulting in an incredible 6 man-of-the-match awards, beating Hawkins’ previous record of 5. Die-hard fans, delighted with his physical, shirt-tearing performances, long to see him learn to shoot accurately, but coaches concede that his genetic predisposition to kick the ball over the bar will be difficult to overcome.
Wessely and Farnsworth won the coveted prize on 5 and 4 occasions respectively, the former primarily for his energetic midfield displays, the latter for his ability to kick a ball so hard it goes back in time.
Lissimore received the famous gong for the first time against U.B.O.C. last November. Fans wait with baited breath for his first goal for the world famous club.
Disciplinary record
Sporting Apostrophes, true to their moniker, maintained an impeccable disciplinary record with just one caution all season (Turner, in the 8-1 victory against El Paso).
Appearances
Wessely wore the famous yellow jersey 12 times, setting a new season record for the Super A’s.
Farnsworth, Hawkins and Hinceman each played 10 matches, followed by Kimberley with 9 and Lissimore with 8.
Turner, Bonell and McInerney, Apostrophes since the team’s very first appearance, turned out 6, 4 and 3 times respectively.
Special plaudits must go out to White, his 4 appearances proving invaluable during the team’s inevitable mid-season injury crisis. His man-of-the-match, hat-trick scoring debut was surely amongst this season’s highlights.
Legitimate, real-world transfer values
Just €3million separates the Apostrophes’ most valuable players:
€52,620,000 – Wessely
€51,410,000 – Farnsworth
€49,130,000 – Hinceman
All 3 smash the previous record of €43,390,000, set by Hawkins in season II.
Lissimore and Stickland, impressive whether sweeping or sheathed, both doubled their transfer value to €20million. Their defensive versatility has seen the pair repeatedly linked to Arsenal, with Wenger seeing them as the ideal solution to his ill-disciplined, want-away back four.
McInerney’s value has plummeted to just €10million from last season’s high of €40million. Bonell, Hawkins and Turner have also experienced significant falls.
Sporting Apostrophes’ Miscellany
Bonell – tasted victory for only the second time in his 16-match Apostrophes career on the final day of the season. Dedicated Apostrophe or glutton for punishment, you decide.
Farnsworth – surprising no one, he was outed as a terrorist. Repeatedly linked to Liverpool as a replacement for the misfiring Keane.
Hawkins – the manflinging sheathmeister became a father for the first time.
Hinceman – the “Beast from Baltimore” grew at least 2 inches, losing the number 2 from his shirt in the process.
Kimberley – regained his confidence and shooting plimsoles, defying critics.
Lissimore – continues to knock back the ales with gusto, against doctor’s orders.
McInerney – newly betrothen, the aging striker looks unlikely to be put out to pasture just yet.
Stickland – overcame the odds to beat the injury fairy once and for all, and amazed the fans with his secret love of sheathes.
Turner – his snowboarding training regime goes against club policy, but fans hope it will reap dividends on the hallowed astroturf.
Wessely – the Super A’s youngest player is allegedly on Zola’s hit-list following Bellamy’s departure.
2.20pm kick-off, Sunday 25th January 2009 at Powerleague London City.
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“Left to right, back to front: Farnsworth, Wessely, Turner, Hawkins, Hinceman, Stickland, Kimberley, Bonell, Lissimore”
Sunday’s thrill-a-minute encounter with U.B.O.C., Sporting Apostrophes’ final match of season III, ended in an incredible 5-4 victory for the Super A’s.
“Outstanding!” exclaimed chairman Ernest Borgnine, his penis weeping tears of joy at the final whistle. “We’ve had a dismal run of results lately, but with It’s Back and El Paso promoted we’re brim-full of optimism as next season approaches.”
The Super A’s fielded a star-studded line-up for this footballing jamboree; a just reward for the innumerable loyal fans who’ve lent their support through thick and thin this season. Fans’ favourites Turner and Bonell made a welcome return to the starting line-up, accompanied by Lissimore, returning from his mid-season break in the glamorous West Midlands. Stickland, his long-term injury problems a distant memory, assumed defensive duties, with Hawkins close behind him, prone, willing and sheathed. Wessley, making his 12th appearance of the season, assumed “in-the-hole” duties behind goalmouth “terrorist” Farnsworth, eager to extend his incredible goal scoring run. Never one to rest upon his laurels, 6-time man-of-the-match Hinceman completed the formation, his abundance of inches the envy of the league.
Right from the kick-off, Sporting Apostrophes, desperate to salvage the merest faecal crumb of pride from their topsy-turvy season, deployed their most fearsome tippy-tappy football to great effect.
“We might just win this!” shouted one over-excited fan, his elbows throbbing with anticipation.
“Damnation!” the crowd roared, as the Super A’s momentum was broken asunder by a cannon of a shot past Hawkins, his sheathes burning brightly, such was the ball’s velocity. Two more onion violations followed, against the run of play, leaving the voluminous crowd to curse their beloved team’s chances as the yellows trudged off at half time.
Rarely demoralised, tactically astute and with an abundance of talent warming the substitutes bench, Sporting Apostrophes took the game to their opponents in the second half. Bonell punished them first, a tidy tap-in from the edge of the box. A brace for “terrorist” Farnsworth, a goal-wanger from Wessley and a curious self-violation from U.B.O.C capped a magnificent performance, the Super A’s deserved 5-4 winners.
Sporting Apostrophes’ third season has been a roller coaster ride of emotional highs and lows, resulting in a record-breaking league table finish, but without the glory of promotion which is theirs by divine right. A terrible injustice!
Score: 5-4
Squad: Bonell, Farnsworth, Hawkins, Hinceman, Lissimore, Stickland, Turner, Wessely.
Goals: Bonell (1), Farnsworth (2), Wessely (1) plus one own goal.
“Farnsworth’s record-breaking 20-goal haul this season is congratulated by chairman Ernest Borgnine”
Sporting Apostrophes’ second encounter with It’s Back this season ended in yet another unfortunate defeat for the famous yellows.
“Our last win was at the beginning of December,” complained chairman Ernest Borgnine, dressed head-to-toe in lycra for the annual pro-celebrity LugeFest to raise eatingmonies for the morbidly obese. “If you study the teams we’ve fielded it’s clear to see that Turner makes the difference. The rest of the them are bloody useless! Mark my words with indelible marker on the forehead of a particularly pasty albino, there’ll be changes during the transfer window. Kaká; Ronaldo; Benzema; Ribery; Buffon: we’re talking to all the big names, and believe you me, they’re very, very interested.”
A crisp, clear winter’s day greeted the Super A’s as they emerged from the tunnel to rapturous applause. Handsheath enthusiast Hawkins, returning to the squad following the birth of his daughter, arrived first, pumping his fist skywards in tune to Tina Turner’s “Simply The Best” as it blasted from the stadium tannoy. The midfield pairing of “Big Ben” Hinceman and Wessely joined him, their fourth consecutive outing together. Stickland soon followed, the part-time sheath guardian eager to cover every blade of astroturf. At the rear, goal-machine Farnsworth and “punisher” Kimberley elevated the crowd into a bowel-evacuating frenzy of sexual pleasure, that could only be satiated by a generous dose of the Apostrophes’ “total football”.
The first half kicked off, and Sporting Apostrophes were a goal down within seconds thanks to a calamitous sequence of gaffes, ending in a terrible error of judgement by Hawkins, who deflected the ball into his own net with his sizable chin.
“Arsevinegar!” the fans screamed, clearly enraged.
It’s Back continued to push forward, the sweet smell of onion bag filling each of their dozen nostrils. The Apostrophes struggled to contain them, and more violations soon followed. A predictably ferocious brace from “guarantee” Farnsworth brought cheers, but the team were still left chasing the game as the referee blew the half time whistle with the score at 2-6.
The second half saw little improvement, to the dismay of fans. Substandard refereeing, combined with the Apostrophes incredible inability to run for longer than 20 minutes led to an embarrassing deluge of goals for It’s Back. The punishment continued relentlessly, as season ticket holders, weeping at the terrible injustice of it all, melted their plastic season tickets using portable Bunsen burners, and poured the molten plastic upon themselves by way of protest.
“What is this evil bumsickness?” they wept, as pools of hot, burning flesh began to weep onto the hallowed astroturf.
The final whistle blew, sparing the Apostrophes further shame having been punished with the full eighteen inches.
With one game remaining of their third season, Sporting Apostrophes remain a team in crisis, with promotion, sponsorship, tactical cohesiveness and fitness all distant, improbable dreams. A terrible injustice!
Score: 2-18
Squad: Farnsworth, Hawkins, Hinceman, Kimberley, Stickland, Wessely.
Goals: Farnsworth (2).
3pm kick-off, Sunday 18th January 2009 at Powerleague London City.
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1.40pm kick-off, Sunday 11th January 2009 at Powerleague London City.
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“Stickland’s smile belies his inner turmoil and soiled undergarments”
Sporting Apostrophes’ fourth consecutive defeat leaves the team seventh in the table, a mere four points ahead of Dynamo Kebab.
“What positives can we take from this season?” wondered one dejected season ticket holder as he committed the sin of Onan outside the club Ubermegabonusstore. “We showed great promise early on, but we’ve lost that winning feeling. It’s like a paraplegic having a poo – sure, it comes out of the right hole, but if you can’t feel it what’s the use?”
Potential sponsors are encouraged to approach the club immediately with a view to agreeing a cut-price kit deal. Low three-figure offers will be considered and most probably accepted.
Sunday’s match against promotion-chasing El Paso ended in yet another unfortunate defeat for the Super A’s.
“Four losses on the bounce!” chairman Ernest Borgnine complained, his dreams of silverware in tatters. “We need a minimum of two points from our two remaining matches to ensure we’re not lumbered with the dreaded wooden spoon.”
Sporting Apostrophes’ run of poor results looks likely continue next Sunday against Division II’s runaway champions It’s Back. A terrible injustice!
Score: 5-12
Squad: Bonell, Farnsworth, Hinceman, Kimberley, Stickland, Wessely.
Goals: Farnsworth (2), Hinceman (2), Kimberley (1).