Match report: Sporting Apostrophes vs U.B.O.C.
“Left to right, back to front: Farnsworth, Wessely, Turner, Hawkins, Hinceman, Stickland, Kimberley, Bonell, Lissimore”
Sunday’s thrill-a-minute encounter with U.B.O.C., Sporting Apostrophes’ final match of season III, ended in an incredible 5-4 victory for the Super A’s.
“Outstanding!” exclaimed chairman Ernest Borgnine, his penis weeping tears of joy at the final whistle. “We’ve had a dismal run of results lately, but with It’s Back and El Paso promoted we’re brim-full of optimism as next season approaches.”
The Super A’s fielded a star-studded line-up for this footballing jamboree; a just reward for the innumerable loyal fans who’ve lent their support through thick and thin this season. Fans’ favourites Turner and Bonell made a welcome return to the starting line-up, accompanied by Lissimore, returning from his mid-season break in the glamorous West Midlands. Stickland, his long-term injury problems a distant memory, assumed defensive duties, with Hawkins close behind him, prone, willing and sheathed. Wessley, making his 12th appearance of the season, assumed “in-the-hole” duties behind goalmouth “terrorist” Farnsworth, eager to extend his incredible goal scoring run. Never one to rest upon his laurels, 6-time man-of-the-match Hinceman completed the formation, his abundance of inches the envy of the league.
Right from the kick-off, Sporting Apostrophes, desperate to salvage the merest faecal crumb of pride from their topsy-turvy season, deployed their most fearsome tippy-tappy football to great effect.
“We might just win this!” shouted one over-excited fan, his elbows throbbing with anticipation.
“Damnation!” the crowd roared, as the Super A’s momentum was broken asunder by a cannon of a shot past Hawkins, his sheathes burning brightly, such was the ball’s velocity. Two more onion violations followed, against the run of play, leaving the voluminous crowd to curse their beloved team’s chances as the yellows trudged off at half time.
Rarely demoralised, tactically astute and with an abundance of talent warming the substitutes bench, Sporting Apostrophes took the game to their opponents in the second half. Bonell punished them first, a tidy tap-in from the edge of the box. A brace for “terrorist” Farnsworth, a goal-wanger from Wessley and a curious self-violation from U.B.O.C capped a magnificent performance, the Super A’s deserved 5-4 winners.
Sporting Apostrophes’ third season has been a roller coaster ride of emotional highs and lows, resulting in a record-breaking league table finish, but without the glory of promotion which is theirs by divine right. A terrible injustice!
Score: 5-4
Squad: Bonell, Farnsworth, Hawkins, Hinceman, Lissimore, Stickland, Turner, Wessely.
Goals: Bonell (1), Farnsworth (2), Wessely (1) plus one own goal.