Sporting Apostrophes

“Borgnine surveys the damage to Wessley’s car following the smash that resulted in him missing the first half of Sunday’s match”

The heavens wept gentle tears for the Apostrophes throughout Sunday’s up-tempo encounter with El Paso, as the famous yellows succumbed to yet another unfortunate defeat.

“Yet again, Lady Luck was out to lunch when we needed her most” complained Ernest Borgnine, unable to contain his disappointment at the final whistle. “We played with four men for the first half, so I must commend the boys for keeping it respectable, but our quest for mid-table mediocrity has taken a vicious stab in the bum when we were prone and vulnerable.”

An unforeseeable combination of age-related injuries (McInerney) and transport calamities (Wessely) resulted in threadbare Super A’s line-up sashaying onto the sacred astroturf. Hawkins, looking resplendent in his new sheathes, continued his one-man protest at the team’s lack of sponsorship by wearing an unofficial jersey, incurring the wrath of Shaw Tyres. Eager to better his record-breaking haul last season, “goalmouth terrorist” Farnsworth soon followed, with Hinceman and Kimberley in tow, the latter visibly traumatised by the obvious lack of manpower.

The JumboTron’s digital pensive-o-meter registered maximum for the first time in the team’s history, as the Apostrophes dinked the ball from man to man, unsure of how best to overcome their numerical disadvantage. The scores remained zero apiece for several minutes, before El Paso took advantage of a rebound from Hawkins’ save to draw first blood. Another followed, before Farnsworth replied with a trademark rocket into the bottom corner. El Paso increased their advantage to three with an impressive volley, as the referee brought the first half to a close with the yellows facing an uphill struggle.

Kimberley, enraged, exhausted, dazed and confused, lifted his arms aloft and cursed the Lord, such was his uncontainable fury at the very terrible injustice.

“I spit phlegm at thee!” he shouted, as horrified fans gasped in the designated Mormon fan section.

The players’ fictional prayers were answered as Wessely appeared on the touchline, a mere footwear change away from making his season IV debut.

“Salvation!” shouted the players, relieved to be at full strength, albeit sans substitutes.

To the amazement of fans and the multi-billion television audience, Sporting Apostrophes maintained their composure in the second half. Farnsworth and Hinceman added more richly deserved onion bag violations, with a mere three responses from their substitute-rich opponents.

“With a few bodies on the bench we’d have taken them,” protested Hinceman, as the players returned to the opulent luxury of their changing complex having lost 6-3. “Bonell; Lissimore; McInerney; Stickland; Turner: where were they in our hour of need?”

Sporting Apostrophes welcome season IV with a disappointing defeat: hardly the ideal way to attract valuable sponsorship Euros. A terrible injustice!

Score: 3-6
Squad: Farnsworth, Hawkins, Hinceman, Kimberley, Wessely.
Goals: Farnsworth (2), Hinceman (1).