Sporting Apostrophes

“Hawkins stares into the middle distance, longing for the day he is reunited with his sheathes”

Handsheath exponent Hawkins‘ season is in ruins as his life-threatening shoulder injury stubbornly refuses to mend.

“I’ve gone through metres and metres of brown paper and at least 10 gallons of vinegar but it’s made no difference,” he whimpered. “The club witch doctor says I need at least another 4-6 weeks of rest. I’m not even allowed to look at an onion. It’s torture!”

Hawkins, author of the definitive guide to the art, science and majesty of 5-a-side goalkeeping, has made 54 appearances for the Super A’s: an all-time club record. Fans refer to him as “the black Peter Shilton” – an uncannily accurate comparison, if one overlooks the fact that Hawkins is neither black nor good in goal.

The club physiotherapist anticipates Hawkins returning to fitness for the match against Minety on 22nd November.

“The world’s greatest athletes limber up prior to Sunday’s fixture. From left to right: Kimberley, Pacheco, Turner, Bell, Hinceman, Stickland”

The “beast from Baltimore” returns to the line-up for his first appearance since June. “juryman” Bell joins him, before what could prove to be a lengthy absence in the high court.

Stickland will resume sheath duty, with Kimberley all set to make his tenth appearance of the season.

With Correa absent, Pacheco will be looking to deliver onion as the race for top-scorer intensifies. Aging midfielder Turner will complete the “seis lendas”.

Line-up for Sunday’s clash with Flat Back Four:

Bell
Hinceman
Kimberley
Pacheco
Stickland
Turner

“The team go through a punishing fitness regime before Sunday’s fixture. From left to right: Farnsworth, Bonell, Lissimore, Kimberley, McInerney, Hawkins, Hinceman, Wessely, Stickland.”

The world famous Super A’s will field the following legends for Sunday’s fixture against old rivals One Flew Into The Keepers Net:

Hawkins
Hinceman
Kimberley
Lissimore
McInerney
Wessely

With “terrorist” Farnsworth absent, McInerney and Kimberley have a golden opportunity to prove their value to the Apostrophes faithful by delivering a flurry of violations. Can they supply the vicious, penetrating ballpokes the fans crave?

“With their sponsorship deal with Shaw Tyre & Exhaust Co. in ruins, the team practice their trademark ‘back to goal, don’t defend’ manoeuvre in unbranded sweatshirts. From left to right: Lissimore, Wessely, Bonell, White, Kimberley, Hinceman, Farnsworth”

Rock biscuit Bonell is scheduled to return, his on-off tattoo injury still a source of mischief. The Swede will be joined by White, an immediate fans’ favourite following his debut hat-trick. Hinceman’s ankle, so effective in last week’s match, will be risked again against the advice of the team witch doctor.

Farnsworth, Kimberley, Lissimore and Wessely complete the Apostrophes line-up.

Sunday’s line-up

Bonell
Farnsworth
Hinceman
Kimberley
Lissimore
Wessely
White

“Turner dry wretches at the sight of Stickland’s groin injury as McInerney, in a state of arousal, unleashes the camcorder”

Stickland’s programme of advanced stretching has landed him on the Sporting Apostrophes injury list for the second time this season.

“Typical! After such a good performance on Sunday he’s now sidelined for several weeks thanks to his stupid manstretches,” moaned chairman Ernest Borgnine. “Who the hell does he think he is, Rudolf Nureyev?”

“With the smell of a potential victory filling their manly nostrils, the athletes accelerate to a mild canter. From left to right: Hinceman, McInerney, Stickland, Turner, Hawkins, Farnsworth, Kimberley”

League newcomers Real Ale Madrid face the daunting task of lining up against a team of Apostrophes legends:

Farnsworth
Hawkins
Hinceman
Kimberley
McInerney
Stickland
Turner

“The team set off on their punishing 0.2 mile jog. From left to right: Farnsworth, Bonell, Hawkins, Kimberley, Hinceman, Stickland”

Fans’ favourite Hawkins is scheduled to report for sheath duty following his promotional tour of Berlin, accompanied by the out-of-form Kimberley. Farnsworth, rested for last week’s fixture, returns to the Super A’s starting line-up.

Bonell, Hinceman and Stickland return, having come through last Sunday’s fixture unscathed.

Lissimore’s injury keeps him sidelined, whilst top-scorer McInerney is given a well-earned break, safe in the knowledge that Kimberley could never hope to break his impressive goal tally.

Turner’s whereabouts unknown…

Probable line-up for Sunday’s clash with Rigford Sea-Hawks:

Bonell
Farnsworth
Hawkins
Hinceman
Kimberley
Stickland

“The Apostrophes Prosthetics Department works yet another miracle”

Following Sunday’s bullish, muscular performance against Oceans 11, Turner’s long-term injury worries appear to be behind him.

“It’s great to have him fit again,” opined chairman Ernest Borgnine, “but that 5-year contract he’s been angling for is now bumpaper in the groundsman’s outside toilet.”

Fans’ forums are ablaze with rumours that Turner is hoping to move “on a Bosman” at the end of the next season when his £250,000-a-week contract expires.

“Onanism and bestiality: the unforgiving road to recovery offers no dignity”

Sporting Apostrophes’ list of casualties continues to grow following news that Italian defender Bocchi’s knee surgery will keep him on the sidelines until 2009 at the earliest.

“He’s a Tottenham fan, what did you expect?” sighed chairman Ernest Borgnine upon hearing the news. “I’m going to have to go to Shaw Tyre & Exhaust Co, cap in one hand, balls in the other.”

“The team work up a sinister, un-Godly sweat in their 100% polyester, non-breathable training tops purchased by the almighty Shaw Tyre & Exhaust Co. From left to right: Farnsworth, Bonell, Hawkins, Kimberley, McInerney, Turner”

Fans’ favourite Bonell is scheduled to return following his 3-match absence. The Swedish dynamo will be joined by long-term injury victim Stickland, who will don the famous yellow jersey for the first time having recovered from his knee badness.

Left back legend Lissimore will be out for a number of weeks following the toe breakage terror suffered during Sunday’s game against Los Diablos. Turner will be keeping him company on the sidelines for another week of recuperation.

Hopeless, hapless, handicapped striker Kimberley returns from his completely undeserved holiday with a point to prove. Free-scoring “hotshot” McInerney is being rested for this crucial tie, thereby gifting the equally potent Farnsworth the opportunity to add to his impressive goal tally.

Hawkins is expected to shield his precious fingers from the leather brutality of the size 5 once again, with Hinceman lining up for another impressive midfield performance.

Probable line-up for Sunday’s clash with table-toppers YOH:

Bonell
Farnsworth
Hawkins
Hinceman
Kimberley
Stickland

The Super A’s squad for Sunday’s matches is currently:

Bocchi A
Bocchi J
Bonell
Hawkins
Hodgkiss
Kimberley
McInerney
Reid (one-off celebrity guest appearance from the West Midlands speed merchant)

As this is a two-match Sunday the fee is of course doubled. For eight players it’ll be £8-a-pop (8 x 8 is of course 64 – the additional £4 will go towards a new ball, as the old one is buggered).

“Injury is no excuse for letting oneself go”

Five appearance legend Turner, still suffering from the injury problems that have plagued him this season, is a major doubt for next week’s exciting double header against Unsung Heroes and the spastics.

“The ankle has been killing me all season, hand sheathes or no hand sheathes,” he protested, during an open training session this morning. “Bed rest and drink, that’s what I need.”

“Hawkins’ unorthodox training methods are a recipe for suck cess”

The following players will be lining up for the Super A’s for Sunday’s match against FC Mackenhegan:

Bocchi
Bonell (TBC)
Hawkins
Kimberley
McInerney
Turner

Diepeveen or Hodgkiss – if either of you are available for selection this week, please voice your athletic desires.

“No! THIS is how you tackle, young man!”

Probable line-up for Sunday’s game (one additional player TBC):

Bocchi
Diepeveen (TBC)
Kimberley
Mysterious “Moose”
Stickland
Turner

Fans’ favourites – an update

The club has been inundated with phone calls and threats from supporters, demanding to know the whereabouts of some of their favourite players:

• Bonell – on a scouting mission in Ireland, following the chairman’s £30 cash injection to fund new signings.
• Davies – last week’s four-goal hero is resting.
• Hawkins – in Berlin, coaching deprived children to Advanced Fouling and Punishment NVQ Level III standard.
• McInerney – arse still ravaged by buminjuries, but the physio says he’s a cert for Sunday 22nd if he lays off the roll-ups.

Right, that’s cleared up that then.

“Hawkins contains his fury by chewing a plastic anger-supressant”

Crippled by managonies in his knees and ankles, Hawkins will wrestle the pain barrier to the deck and drop defiant faecal pellets in its mouth. Three cheers, the hero!

Probable line-up for Sunday’s game:

Bocchi
Davies (TBC)
Hawkins
Hodgkiss
Kimberley
Stickland
Turner

“Ever-present Bonell – torn between club and country”

Probable line-up for Sunday’s game:

Bocchi
Bonell (injured + international duty – TBC)
Hawkins
Hodgkiss
Kimberley
Stickland
Turner (whereabouts unknown?)

Tabloid rumours of ill-discipline with the ranks of the Super A’s were given further credence following McInerney’s “night on the tiles” following the 4-2 reverse against table-toppers Rigford Sea-Hawks. The coach’s tofu and Ribena diet was abandoned in favour of roll-ups and Guinness in what witnesses describe as a shocking display of wanton excess and depravity.

McInerney, captured on film, exercising a covert, pre-midnight Beardsley.

“Battered like a sausage, the team’s meat is throbbing with anxiety”

Rooted to the foot of the table and with a the squad ravaged by injuries, next Sunday’s fixture against table-toppers Rigford Sea-Hawks looks set to be real challenge for the Apostrophes.

Full line-up to be confirmed later in the week, but the current state of play is as follows:

The Probables:

Bonell (TBC)
Hawkins (slight injury, distraught ankles, will definitely be fit for Sunday)
Kimberley
McInerney (injured, bruised arse, possibility for Sunday)
Turner (injured, elephantitis of the ankle, possibility for Sunday)

Confirmed absentees:

Stickland
Hodgkiss

“A right pain in the George Michael”

Top scorer and chain smoker McInerney is a major doubt for Sunday’s league fixture following a freak arse injury.

“I was just parking the motor, when, upon depressing the clutch, I felt a real tightness in me arse cheek,” he wailed.

Scurrilous tabloid rumours suggest the injury was caused during rehearsals for a new goal celebration dubbed “reverse midnight Beardsley.” Another far more sinister rumour points towards retribution from an irate Turner, still smarting from the training ground bust-up reported earlier this week.

McInerney will face a rigorous examination and fitness test from the physio Brian Broadfinger (pictured).

“You rotter, don’t punish me!”

Probable line-up (one additional player TBC):

Bocchi
Hawkins
Hodgkiss
McInerney
Stickland
Turner

Unsubstantiated rumours persist of a freak training ground incident that may sideline midfield engine Turner for Sunday’s game. More news when we have it.