2.20pm kick-off, Sunday 14th December 2008 at Powerleague London City.
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“Hinceman, McInerney and Hawkins fly the flag for Shaw Tyres in Berlin’s famous Olympic Stadium”
For the first time in their 28-game history, Sporting Apostrophes shared the points in Sunday’s ugly encounter with U.B.O.C.
“They played a dirty, aggressive game to combat our fluid, passing sexball,” raged chairman Ernest Borgnine at the post match press conference. “Mark my words with permanent pen and laminate them with the semen of a Somali pirate, we’ll beat these infidels when next we meet.”
Special plaudits must go out to O’Hara and Rock, whose Super A’s debuts impressed fans and pundits alike.
Sporting Apostrophes’ long suffering fictional sponsor Shaw Tyres refused to comment, furthering rumours of significant changes during the forthcoming transfer window. A terrible injustice!
Score: 4-4
Squad: Bonell, O’Hara, Kimberley, Lissimore, Rock, Wessely.
Goals: Bonell (1), Kimberley (2), Rock (1).
1.40pm kick-off, Sunday 7th December 2008 at Powerleague London City.
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“Kimberley takes full advantage of the adverse weather conditions”
For the third time this season, Sporting Apostrophes suffered the bitter taste of defeat in Sunday’s rain-drenched encounter with promotion rivals It’s Back.
“Rain! It’s like waterpoison from the sky!” raged chariman Ernest Borgnine, his uncontrollable fury making him spontaneously urinate, bringing tears to the eyes of loyal fans. “We leave the desert of Old Street, only to find ourselves in a footballing Atlantis!”
The Super A’s “Galacticos” sauntered from the tunnel to be greeted by torrential rain and a sodden, unwilling pitch. Mother Nature herself, against the will of God and the Holy Spirit of Christopher Reeve, had conspired to nullify the Apstrophes’ fluid, passing football.
“Curse thee!” shouted Hawkins, extending his sheathed middle finger to the sky, a sight so magnificent the sun retreated further still, it’s fear evident to anyone equipped with the most rudimentary astronomy skills.
In defiance of the unjust weather conditions, the team proceeded to perform their patented warm-up routine, a complicated blend of pilates, golf and Esperanto, the team’s official tactical language. Lissimore and Hinceman, masters of the technique, concluded their session with an astonishing double somersault, proving they were ready in mind, body and bowel. Turner’s “Outback Moonwalk” soon followed, as Wessely’s “East End Shuffle” reached its apex. “guarantee” Farnworth’s northern soul forbids such outbursts, but his menacing golf swing brought gasps from the capacity crowd. Hawkins, floating above the pitch propelled by the power of Tina Turner’s “Simply The Best”, was transfixed, as though in a world of his own, his mind focused like a pornographer’s camera. At the rear, Kimberley’s attempt at a solitary push-up brought respectful applause from the die-hard Grammaticals.
The first half was a tense affair as the two teams probed, poked and stroked each other as an uncivilised Tarzan might molest Jane, or indeed Cheetah during public holidays. The stalemate was broken by a ferocious, unstoppable shot from Kimberley, bringing his goal tally to four this season. It’s Back responded with some clever counter attacks, taking full advantage of the Apostrophes’ reduced mobility in the adverse weather conditions. A penalty save from It’s Back’s hand sheath exponent denied Turner the opportunity to reduce the deficit, leaving the team two goals behind as they retired to their changing boudoir at half time.
Sporting Apostrophes’ will to win, usually absent by the break, was as strong as ever as the team kicked off the second half. Disciplined defending by Lissimore and Hinceman reduced It’s Back’s opportunities, as Turner and Wessely sought to supply Kimberley and Farnsworth with the ball stroking they crave. Their efforts were rewarded by “guarantee” Farnsworth’s right boot, with a well-taken follow-up from Turner.
“If the rain stopped we’d smell victory,” one fan pleaded, but Mother Nature, deaf to his cries, unleashed the full force of her might, to the dismay of the innumerable fans.
Forlorn, dejected, beaten and bruised, the team swam from the pitch at the final whistle, cursing their luck on such a wretched day.
Sporting Apostrophes remain fifth in the table, their erratic WLWLWL streak confusing fans and pundits alike. A terrible injustice!
Score: 3-6
Squad: Farnsworth, Hawkins, Hinceman, Kimberley, Lissimore, Turner, Wessely.
Goals: Farnsworth (1), Kimberley (1), Turner (1).
1.40pm kick-off, Sunday 30th November 2008 at Powerleague London City.
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“Borgnine and Turner study the Apostrophes form book”
Sporting Apostophes’ Projectile Emulation Niche Instruction Simulator (P.E.N.I.S.) application, codenamed “Oracle”, has been upgraded to display per-season statistics on the world’s favourite team.
“It’s a real eye-opener” enthused chairman Ernest Borgnine. “It’s clear to see how effective Farnsworth and Wessely have been so far this season. McInerney is confirmed as last season’s Top Onion Bag Penetrator, with Farnsworth a mere goal behind, whilst Kimberley was our best striker before that.”
“McInerney is persona non grata at his local J.D. Wetherspoon”
Want-away grandad “static” McInerney’s troubled third season with Sporting Apostrophes shows little sign of improvement, following the publication of photos showing the aftermath of his weekend of debauchery.
“He was top-scorer last season, but last season is last season, not this season, which is the season that’s currently of most interest to me,” opined one season ticket holder outside the club superstore. “Christ, even Kimberley has scored more goals!”
3.40pm kick-off, Sunday 23rd November 2008 at Powerleague London City.
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“The team congratulate Farnsworth on his quintuple violation”
Yesterday’s “Super Sunday” fixture against table-toppers El Paso resulted in a magnificent 8-1 victory for the Apostrophes.
“We didn’t just beat them, we thrashed them!” wept chairman Ernest Borgnine, unable to contain his enthusiasm despite being naked from the waist down. “We took them to school, gave them detention and beat them savagely with a child-stick to near death!”
With “static” McInerney and Kimberley unavailable for selection, the Super A’s fielded a youthful side somewhat reminiscent of Arsenal’s pre-pubescent Carling Cup prodigies, only much, much better. With an average age of just 30, quick-witted fans christened them Borgnine’s Babes, to the delight of players and fans alike.
Hawkins and Turner made a welcome return to the team, the former following his hand sheath seminar in Berlin, the latter having rejected Fulham’s advances after last week’s controversial trial. The pair were joined by “guarantee” Farnsworth, his insatiable appetite for goals making him delirious, his mouth foaming with saliva like a rabid dog. Lissimore assumed sweeper duties, with Wessely providing pace in midfield. The in-form Hinceman completed the line-up, eager to build upon his consecutive man-of-the-match performances.
Whistle-happy referee Morgan Tsvangirai was welcomed by a chorus of boos as the first half commenced, his suspect decisions incurring the wrath of the Apostrophes faithful. Within a matter of seconds, he pursed his angry lips and blew, enraging the partizan crowd.
“You’re a rotter, how on earth does that contravene football rules?” one fan shouted, displaying a gentlemanly restraint so typical of fans seated in the non-fictional Grammar End.
The Super A’s, mindful of the referee’s innumerable inadequacies, exercised caution in their challenges, but still played their unique brand of “total football” in defiance of his dubious officiation skills. With passing so beautiful and humbling in its excellence an albino would turn midnight black, a flurry of onion bag violations was sure to follow, and so it came to pass. The incredible power of “guarantee” Farnsworth’s shot reaped dividends in spades, Wessely’s pinpoint accuracy it’s perfect foil.
Sporting Apostrophes’ virile attacking tsunami was supported by a granite defense, courtesy of Lissimore and Hinceman, with hand sheath exponent Hawkins’ saves bringing anal gasps of excitement from the capacity crowd. The first half concluded with the team four goals to the good, despite Turner’s brief sojourn to the dreaded sin bin.
Determined not to throw away a convincing lead, the Apostrophes delivered more delicious, oven-baked football in the second half. Wessely completed his second hat-trick of the season, whilst Farnsworth’s punishment tally ran to an incredible, record-breaking five goals. Turner, Lissimore and Hinceman were unfortunate to not add to the Apostrophes impressive haul, the woodwork denying them on a number of occasions.
El Paso responded with a solitary onion bag violation, but it was the merest faecal pebble of comfort for a team thoroughly humbled by a display of supreme footballing dominance.
Sporting Apostrophes lie 5th in the table thanks to inferior goal difference, despite their superior athleticism and Hollywood good looks. A terrible injustice!
Score: 8-1
Squad: Farnsworth, Hawkins, Hinceman, Lissimore, Turner, Wessely.
Goals: Farnsworth (5), Wessely (3).
1.40pm kick-off, Sunday 16th November 2008 at Powerleague London City.
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“In an effort to increase his onion bag violations, Kimberley simulates ball trajectory and velocity on his advanced Amstrad CPC”
Sporting Apostrophes succumbed to a disappointing defeat against old rivals One Flew Into The Keepers Net in Sunday’s 15-goal thriller.
“Very bad game yesterday, the worst we have played in the Super A’s history,” said Kimberley, emailing via his Amstrad CPC, purchased with his first professional pay packet and still going strong. “We were actually 4-3 up at half time but threw it all away, I don’t think we strung 3 passes together all game.”
Chairman Ernest Borgnine was unavailable for comment, furthering rumours of unrest at the world famous club.
Sporting Apostrophes continue to incur the wrath of Shaw Tyre & Exhaust Co thanks to their mid-table mediocrity. A terrible injustice!
Score: 5-10
Squad: Bonell, Farnsworth, Hinceman, Kimberley, Lissimore, Wessely, White.
Goals: Bonell (1), Farnsworth (1), Kimberley (1), Wessely (1), White (1).
“With their sponsorship deal with Shaw Tyre & Exhaust Co. in ruins, the team practice their trademark ‘back to goal, don’t defend’ manoeuvre in unbranded sweatshirts. From left to right: Lissimore, Wessely, Bonell, White, Kimberley, Hinceman, Farnsworth”
Rock biscuit Bonell is scheduled to return, his on-off tattoo injury still a source of mischief. The Swede will be joined by White, an immediate fans’ favourite following his debut hat-trick. Hinceman’s ankle, so effective in last week’s match, will be risked again against the advice of the team witch doctor.
Farnsworth, Kimberley, Lissimore and Wessely complete the Apostrophes line-up.
Sunday’s line-up
Bonell
Farnsworth
Hinceman
Kimberley
Lissimore
Wessely
White
