Sporting Apostrophes

“Kimberley pushes his body to the limit in his quest for division I football”

Sunday’s thrill-a-minute encounter with old rivals Real So So Bad ended in a narrow 5-4 reverse for the world’s favourite football team.

“We put in a great performance, and, with a 4-2 lead, we could well have won it,” opined chairman Ernest Borgnine. “Their superior stamina was the deciding factor, but full credit to the boys, it’s the closest we’ve ever come to taking points off them.”

Goal-machine Farnsworth made a welcome return to the starting line-up, making his first appearance of the season. Hand sheath specialist Hawkins joined him, accompanied by Wessely, who chose to wear his white shirt once again in protest at Shaw Tyre and Exhaust’s lack of funding. Kimberley followed, shoulders slumped, his enthusiasm for division II football at a low ebb following his cameo appearance for One Flew Into The Keeper’s Net. Debutants Correa and Pacheco completed the Super A’s line-up, as the capacity crowd, in full voice, greeted the start of the first half.

Correa drew first blood within a minute, a sublime volley past the off guard ‘keeper.

“Hurrah!” shouted the home fans, justifiably.

“Traction!” retorted the infidels in the away end, as Real So So Bad added mayonnaise to the sandwich.

Sporting Apostrophes conceded another, despite some staunch defending by Kimberley. Wessely’s tireless running, aided by some sublime fustal skills from Pacheco, setup “guarantee” Farnsworth for the equaliser, before the referee blew his whistle, bringing the first half to an end.

The Super A’s dominated the first 10 minutes of the second half. Correa’s driving, powerful play was rewarded with another onion bag violation, whilst Farnsworth completed his brace with an astonishing shot, delivered from his own half, it’s journey akin to a meteorite destined for Planet Onion.

With the Apostrophes 4-2 to the good, fans expected a famous victory, but the team’s tired legs and vulnerability to counter-attacks proved their undoing, as Real So So Bad delivered punishment thrice more, despite some energetic man-flinging from the irrepressible Hawkins.

The Sporting Apostrophes team bus deposited the players at a local hostelry for post-match drinks, their passion undiminished, their epic, Oprah appetite for onion still burning like a Jesus Zippo with perma-wick. A terrible injustice!

Score: 4-5
Squad: Farnsworth, Hawkins, Correa, Kimberley, Pacheco, Wessely.
Goals: Farnsworth (2), Correa (2).

IT’S A THRILLING DOUBLE-HEADER!

Sporting Apostrophes vs U.B.O.C.
2.20pm kick-off, Sunday 31st May 2009 at Powerleague London City.

Sporting Apostrophes vs Chosen Men
3pm kick-off, Sunday 31st May 2009 at Powerleague London City.
Please leave a comment indicating your availability for this unmissable Super A’s fixture.

Stickland’s flinging bringing singing from the fans

Sporting Apostrophes’ hopes of promotion were dealt a savage blow by Green Park, who strolled to a convincing 9-1 victory in Sunday’s division II match.

“Smells like Teen Spirit? Stinks more like geriatric onion!” raged chairman Ernest Borgnine, his confidence shattered by the heavy defeat. “The boys played well, but without a proven goal scorer on the pitch it was always going to be a challenge.”

Fans on the terraces showed their appreciation for Turner, his long-term injury and winter sports fever having limited his appearances in recent months. Stickland’s sheath wizardry also drew praise, on what proved to be a difficult day for the world’s favourite team. A terrible injustice!

Score: 1-9
Squad: Apostolov, Hinceman, Kimberley, Stickland, Turner, Wessely.
Goals: Kimberley (1).

1.40pm kick-off, Sunday 24th May 2009 at Powerleague London City.

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“Wessely’s shoulder: defrosted and back to its best”

Sporting Apostrophes’ fifth encounter with old rivals Team Wang resulted in an emphatic victory for the world’s favourite football team.

“I promised new signings, I delivered new signings!” enthused chairman Ernest Borgnine, his eyes still watering from the influx of onion. “One wonders, could Farnsworth’s record of 24 goals be under threat so soon?”

The Super A’s first fixture of season V, following the previous week’s postponement, featured an eye-popping array of new signings, all eager to do justice to the famous yellow jersey. Brun, from Italy; Canadian Hannigan-Daley; the unknown Chan: fans were agog at this incredible injection of new blood into the team. The debutants were joined by Apostolov, Hawkins and Lissimore, and, to the delight of the capacity crowd, midfield maestro Wessely, fully recovered from his long-term injury.

Apprehensive, tentative, probing: the Apostrophes’ incredible new line-up took just minutes to form, as an Eskimo’s jelly solidifies rapidly in the land of the midnight sun. A stunning drive from Hannigan-Daley opened the team’s account. Team Wang responded with a fortunate long-range effort, before Sporting’s onion monsoon descended. Referee Candy watched from the sidelines, awe-struck, as Wang’s onion bag was violated again and again by Brun and Hannigan-Daley. Wang offered little in response, their sole effort a penalty saved by “adhesive digits” Hawkins, before the half time whistle blew with the team boasting an astonishing 7-1 advantage.

With such a commanding lead, it was inevitable that the team’s appetite for onion would be diminished. Sporting Apostrophes’ post-coital, tippy-tappy deliciousness brought cheers from the crowd, but their most vocal praise was saved for Wessely, who, back from injury, performed with tremendous energy, instructing the new recruits on the intricacies of Powerleague and the necessity of defending, aided by the ever-reliable Lissimore.

Further violations from Brun, Hannigan-Daley and Wessely added to Sporting Apostrophes’ record-breaking tally, with Wang adding another two, leaving the referee to bring an end to proceedings with the score at 10-3 to the Super A’s.

Sporting Apostrophes historic 50th match ended in a well-deserved victory, but the shortage of yellow shirts and the ongoing sponsorship saga remain a source of considerable irritation. A terrible injustice!

Score: 10-3
Squad: Apostolov, Brun, Chan, Hannigan-Daley, Hawkins, Lissimore, Wessely.
Goals: Brun (5), Hannigan-Daley (4), Wessely (1).

2.20pm kick-off, Sunday 17th May 2009 at Powerleague London City.

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3.40pm kick-off, Sunday 10th May 2009 at Powerleague London City.
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“A Sporting Apostrophes fan makes his feelings known”

Sporting Apostrophes will continue to strike fear into the hearts and bowels of division II teams, following official news that their on-off relegation battle has been abandoned.

“Truth be told, we rely on them for gate receipts,” opined Andrew Pigott, Head Of Emailing Things And Facebook at Powerleague London City. “We’d lose untold millions on merchandise and TV rights, so we’d be foolish to relegate them. After all, they are the world’s favourite football team!”

Fans’ forums were ablaze following news that both division I and II will be extended to 10 teams, increasing the season length to an astonishing 18 games.

“With international fixtures, the Champions League and exhibition games in the far east, I don’t know how we’re supposed to keep the squad fit, ready and marginally able,” chairman Ernest Borgnine complained, aghast at the last-minute league expansion. “Nevertheless, with One Flew In The Keepers Net out of the way I confidently predict promotion this season.”

“Everyone’s a winner at the Sporting Apostrophes end-of-season bash. Left to right: McInerney, Stickland, Lissimore, Farnsworth, Apostolov, Kimberley, Hinceman.”

Overview

Sporting Apostrophes fourth season was an unmitigated disaster. The 7 points won from the first 5 matches promised to deliver a mid-table finish, but the subsequent 9 losses were worse than even the most pessimistic of fans could have imagined. The team’s bottom-placed finish marks a new low for the club, and, with the spectre of relegation a distinct possibility (subject to the formation of division III), the outlook for the world’s favourite football team is bleak.

The reasons for the Super A’s capitulation are clear:

• Injury problems – Wessely in particular has been sorely missed.
• Holidays – “ice queen” Turner’s love of the slopes has denied the team of his tippy-tappy goodness.
• Substitutes – All too often, Sporting Apostrophes have been forced to field a team of just 5, sometimes less during the difficult mid-season.
• Officiation – Referee Gillespie’s promised penalties failed to materialise.
• Attire – The cursed blue jersey has brought the team nothing but heartache.

Best Performance

Sporting Apostrophes’ performance of the season was undoubtedly the 9-3 victory against Team Wang, which featured a remarkable double hat-trick from the irrepressible “terrorist” Farnsworth.

Worst Performance

The gut-wrenching, bowel-clenching 18-2 hammering at the hands of El Paso is certainly a candidate, but the 15-3 mauling by U.B.O.C. surely takes the biscuit. With a full compliment of players, including substitutes, against a team previously conquered, the team can do little but hang their heads in shame at the bitter memory.

Goal scorers

To the delight of fans, “guarantee” Farnsworth’s double hat-trick on the final day of the season brought his tally to 24, bettering his previous best by 2 goals and setting a new Sporting Apostrophes record in the process. His goals-per-game average of 3 is unsurpassed.

McInerney contributed 9 onion bag violations, just a single goal behind his personal best of 10 achieved in season 2.

Hinceman equalled his personal best of 4, a figure matched by Wessley, who surely would have scored more were his season not cut short by injury.

Kimberley’s haul of 3 is consistent with his transformation into the albino Essien.

Man-of-the-Match awards

Hawkins won the coveted man-of-the-match gong in 5 of his 12 appearances, equalling his previous best set in season II, and demonstrating a clear return to form for the handsheath specialist after a disappointing season III.

Farnsworth was the stand-out player in half of his 8 matches.

Despite having a solid season, Hinceman will be disappointed that his record-breaking tally of 6 man-of-the-match awards has halved; conversely, Kimberley, also on 3, must be commended for his achievements, having not won the award in his previous two campaigns.

Bell’s goal-scoring, man-of-the-match debut against Real So So Bad deserves special plaudits.

Disciplinary record

Sporting Apostrophes boast an unblemished disciplinary record in their historic fourth season.

Appearances

Hawkins matched the Apostrophes record of 12 appearances set by Wessely in season III.

Hinceman graced the astroturf 11 times; a personal best.

Kimberley and McInerney both wore the famous jersey on 10 occasions; a great achievement for the latter, following last season’s tobacco injuries.

Fans have high hopes for Turner, whose absences, whether through vacation or injury, are a source of much frustration in the Grammar End.

Sporting Apostrophes welcome Apostolov and Bell, who both made their debuts in the latter half of the season. The team waves farewell to Super A’s legend Bonell, who despite announcing his retirement may well make the occasional appearance to thrill the fans.

Success ratio

(wins+draws) ÷ appearances = Success Ratio

Incredibly, despite his injury woes, Wessely boasts a success ratio of 0.5, clearly demonstrating his contribution to the team’s chances of success.

With the team reliant on his guaranteed goals, Farnsworth’s figure of 0.38 comes as no surprise, unlike Kimberley’s 0.38 – an impressive figure for the “midget enforcer”.

Hawkins’ success ratio of just 0.17 has made some fans question whether he still has the heart to play division II football, having tasted life in the top flight. Other, somewhat wiser fans concede that his presence makes little or no impact on the team’s results.

Apostolov, Bell, Bonell and Stickland made 13 appearances between them, but the unfortunate quartet were on the losing side each time.

Legitimate, real-world transfer values

The season IV Apostrophes “dream team” – a dynamite ensemble with a combined value of almost €200,000,000.

€49,140,000 – Farnsworth
€46,080,000 – Hawkins
€37,250,000 – Hinceman
€35,130,000 – Kimberley
€29,240,000 – McInerney

Whilst Farnsworth and Hinceman’s values have remained consistently high, Hawkins, Kimberley and particularly McInerney have all experienced significant gains since last season.

Wessely’s value has fallen from last season’s Super A’s record of €52.62m to €16.42m – an inevitable consequence of his long-term shoulder injury.

Lissimore will be looking to better his €14.48m value next season; fans await his first violation with baited breath!

Season V objectives

Since the team’s formation, Sporting Apostrophes have been denied the success that is rightfully theirs:

• Season I – 8th
• Season II – 8th
• Season III – 7th
• Season IV – 8th

For season V to be considered a success, the Super A’s must surely aspire to achieve a record-breaking league position of at least 5th: the dizzy heights of mid-table mediocrity. Of course, this will very much depend on whether the team is demoted to division III.

“Farnsworth celebrates his remarkable double hat-trick”

Sporting Apostrophes’ season horribilis concluded with a tremendous game of football against old rivals U.B.O.C.

“Three points would have been the icing on the cake of bum chocolate that we’ve baked this season, but it wasn’t to be,” chairman Ernest Borgnine whispered carelessy ala George Michael, his melancholy testicles hanging from his trousers like a pair of mournful greengrocers waiting for a long-lost onion delivery. “The old yellow shirts did seem to make a difference, though, so it looks like we’ll be forced to extend the hand of friendship to our estranged sponsor Shaw Tyre & Exhaust Co.”

Looking positively ravishing in their famous yellow jerseys, the world’s favourite football team emerged from the tunnel and galloped forth onto the astroturf: Bell, the retiring Bonell, Farnsworth, Hawkins, Hinceman, Lissimore, McInerney; the combined luminosity of their golden torsos was enough to make the sun hang his head in shame.

To commemorate Bonell’s glittering Apostrophes career, fans unfurled a giant flag featuring Sweden’s greatest, all-time, tastiest heroes, with the midfield dynamo taking pride of place in the centre.

Fans, players and referees, overcome with emotion, wept openly as the match kicked off.

The first 10 minutes were closer than Rosie Gaines at a Glenn Close convention. The two teams battled, probed and prodded, ever searching for the infant Onion Moses, the first born violation. To the delight of fans, “terrorist” Farnsworth played midwife, caressing the ball into the net with a deft toe poke.

“We might just win this!” roared the partizan crowd somewhat prematurely, as the smell of onion enveloped the stadium.

Against the run of play and the will of General Zod, U.B.O.C. exploited the Super A’s trademark inability to defend, as the team were punished to the tune of four goals.

“Bumfinger!” the fans groaned in unison, as the Apostrophes retired to their changing complex at half time with a sizable deficit.

Sporting Apostrophes’ fortunes changed in the second half. The muscular defending from Lissimore; the precise passing from Bell and Bonell; Hinceman’s MMA; McInerney’s constructive pointing and shouting; Hawkins’ manflinging; Farnsworth’s incredible shooting power, contributing to his second double hat-trick of the season. All these factors almost delivered the victory fans craved, but Sporting’s valiant efforts were thwarted by a late goal from U.B.O.C. who took all 3 points with an unjust 7-6 victory.

With season IV finally over, Sporting Apostrophes fans (who are legion) are still waiting for their first Powerleague championship title. A terrible injustice!

Score: 6-7
Squad: Bell, Bonell, Farnsworth, Hawkins, Hinceman, Lissimore, McInerney.
Goals: Farnsworth (6).

FIXTURE CANCELLED! TO BE RESCHEDULED LATER IN THE SEASON.

2.20pm kick-off, Sunday 3rd May 2009 at Powerleague London City.
Please leave a comment indicating your availability for this unmissable Super A’s fixture.

“Sporting Apostrophes remonstrate with referee Dizzy Gillespie after he fails to deliver penalties promised. Left to right: Hawkins, McInerney, Lissimore, Gillespie (referee), Stickland, Hinceman.”

Sunday’s encounter with Real So So Bad resulted in yet another defeat for the Super A’s, extending their humiliating winless streak to a total of eight matches.

“This season has been a total write-off,” complained chairman Ernest Borgnine, his despondency clear from his enthusiasm for extracurricular pursuits. “It must be the blue shirts: sure, they’re breathable, but as such they don’t retain the scent of onion, the very essence of Mother Nature’s goalscoring goodness.”

A unique septet of footballing genii, the Apostrophes, like the fabled seven brothers, sought seven virginal, onion brides, ripe for violation. With Tina Turner’s “Simply The Best” blaring from the stadium tannoy, they appeared from the tunnel to rapturous applause from the capacity crowd.

Apostolov and McInerney led the pack, eager to build on their recent goalscoring exploits. Stickland joined them, making his sixteenth appearance for the world famous club: an impressive figure given for a player that has quaffed just twice at the fountain of victory. Hinceman and Lissimore followed, a few inches taller, a few pounds lighter respectively. Fresh from Telford Central, new signing Bell came next, leaving sheathmaster Hawkins to complete the “Magnificent Seven”.

Sporting Apostrophes kicked off the first half in a confident, almost nonchalant fashion, the promise of two penalties from referee Dizzy Gillespie the perfect motivator. The Super A’s assured play soon evaporated, however, as it became apparent that the new line-up deprived the team of its trademark mellifluousness.

“This is not football, it’s bogusball!” complained fans, frustrated at the team’s inability to make the Yorkshire Pudding rise.

The Apostrophes’ incoherent, disjointed play resulted in first blood for Real So So Bad, as another embarrassing capitulation seemed as inevitable as income tax.

“Two, four, six, eight, our penalties are Terry Waite!” sang the crowd, enraged by Gillespie’s reluctance to deliver the penalties he had guaranteed, having sworn on the life of Stephen Hawking and the Ghost of Christopher Reeve.

With chances in short supply and the penalty spot a sad, unloved, lonely place of broken promises, the Super A’s second half harvest was certainly no festival. Inadequate defending; the dearth of opportunities; the “let’s see if I can beat my man on the edge of my own box” trickery: the team’s failings were as unsightly as they were innumerable. A debut onion bag violation from Bell was the only highlight of what proved to be a torrid day for the Apostrophes, who languish at the bottom of division II with just one game remaining.

Sporting Apostrophes fourth season has been an unqualified disaster, and, with a team divided by shirt colour, the prognosis is bleaker than a Christmas in Birmingham. A terrible injustice!

Score: 1-7
Squad: Apostolov, Bell, Hawkins, Hinceman, Lissimore, McInerney, Stickland.
Goals: Bell (1).