Sporting Apostrophes

“The team set off on their punishing 0.2 mile jog. From left to right: Farnsworth, Bonell, Hawkins, Kimberley, Hinceman, Stickland”

Fans’ favourite Hawkins is scheduled to report for sheath duty following his promotional tour of Berlin, accompanied by the out-of-form Kimberley. Farnsworth, rested for last week’s fixture, returns to the Super A’s starting line-up.

Bonell, Hinceman and Stickland return, having come through last Sunday’s fixture unscathed.

Lissimore’s injury keeps him sidelined, whilst top-scorer McInerney is given a well-earned break, safe in the knowledge that Kimberley could never hope to break his impressive goal tally.

Turner’s whereabouts unknown…

Probable line-up for Sunday’s clash with Rigford Sea-Hawks:

Bonell
Farnsworth
Hawkins
Hinceman
Kimberley
Stickland

“Hawkins and Kimberley always fly top-bonus class on the Super A’s private jet”

The following players will be lining up for the Super A’s against Oceans 11 next Sunday:

Bonell
Hinceman
McInerney
Stickland
Turner

Regulars Hawkins and Kimberley will miss this crucial tie due to promotional duties at the opening of Shaw Reifen und Auspuff Kompany in Berlin).

Due to the number of injuries and holidays, players are strongly encouraged to recruit additional “talent” in the hope of populating the substitutes kayak.

“Hinceman on international duty for Soccerball Team USA”

“I can’t wait to get my teeth into YOH FC on Sunday,” Hinceman announced to the throng of paparazzi outside the Apostrophes training theme park. “OK, so they’re unbeaten, and the bookies have us at odds of 250-1, but that’s just statistics and gay witchcraft.”

Nobody at the club could confirm the exact meaning of the term “gay witchcraft” at the time of going to press.

“The team work up a sinister, un-Godly sweat in their 100% polyester, non-breathable training tops purchased by the almighty Shaw Tyre & Exhaust Co. From left to right: Farnsworth, Bonell, Hawkins, Kimberley, McInerney, Turner”

Fans’ favourite Bonell is scheduled to return following his 3-match absence. The Swedish dynamo will be joined by long-term injury victim Stickland, who will don the famous yellow jersey for the first time having recovered from his knee badness.

Left back legend Lissimore will be out for a number of weeks following the toe breakage terror suffered during Sunday’s game against Los Diablos. Turner will be keeping him company on the sidelines for another week of recuperation.

Hopeless, hapless, handicapped striker Kimberley returns from his completely undeserved holiday with a point to prove. Free-scoring “hotshot” McInerney is being rested for this crucial tie, thereby gifting the equally potent Farnsworth the opportunity to add to his impressive goal tally.

Hawkins is expected to shield his precious fingers from the leather brutality of the size 5 once again, with Hinceman lining up for another impressive midfield performance.

Probable line-up for Sunday’s clash with table-toppers YOH:

Bonell
Farnsworth
Hawkins
Hinceman
Kimberley
Stickland

“Kimberley takes the ‘rubbish’ tag literally”

Fans’ forums are ablaze with transfer rumours following out-of-form striker Kimberley’s miserable run of 5 games with no goals.

“He’s rubbish, like some sort of sick Jan Molby / Heather Mills hybrid,” complained one visibly upset season ticket holder. “There’s ample support from midfield and he’s not been short of chances. I just don’t understand what’s going on.”

Kimberley has been linked with several Major League clubs who covet his questionable work ethic and willingness to be substituted.

“Kimberley’s ‘back-to-third-world-basics’ training regime is of dubious merit”

Click here to see the full article on the genuine BBC Sport website.

“The Bonell family can’t wait to see their boy”

The following players will be lining up for the Super A’s for Sunday’s match against Rigford Sea-Hawks:

Bocchi J
Bonell
Hawkins
McInerney
Turner

Yes folks, that’s only five, so if anyone else wants to play please raise your hand.

This enticing fixture will be Bonell’s last for several weeks. Fans are encouraged to turn up in force to see the Super A’s legend make his eighth appearance.

“I’m off to the motherland for a fortnight, then I’m having the Sporting Apostrophes logo tattooed on my back,” the Swedish midfielder announced at a packed press conference this morning.

The Super A’s squad for Sunday’s matches is currently:

Bocchi A
Bocchi J
Bonell
Hawkins
Hodgkiss
Kimberley
McInerney
Reid (one-off celebrity guest appearance from the West Midlands speed merchant)

As this is a two-match Sunday the fee is of course doubled. For eight players it’ll be £8-a-pop (8 x 8 is of course 64 – the additional £4 will go towards a new ball, as the old one is buggered).

“Injury is no excuse for letting oneself go”

Five appearance legend Turner, still suffering from the injury problems that have plagued him this season, is a major doubt for next week’s exciting double header against Unsung Heroes and the spastics.

“The ankle has been killing me all season, hand sheathes or no hand sheathes,” he protested, during an open training session this morning. “Bed rest and drink, that’s what I need.”

“Hawkins’ unorthodox training methods are a recipe for suck cess”

The following players will be lining up for the Super A’s for Sunday’s match against FC Mackenhegan:

Bocchi
Bonell (TBC)
Hawkins
Kimberley
McInerney
Turner

Diepeveen or Hodgkiss – if either of you are available for selection this week, please voice your athletic desires.

In a shock backroom restructure, player/manager Milan Hawkins has resigned from his position as kit manager, citing the club’s much publicised refusal to contribute towards his mounting detergent costs as the overriding factor.

In a press conference, a club spokesman said “Due to the crippling lack of finances imposed on the club by the team’s consistent underacheivement, the board was simply unable to meet Milan’s monetary demands”.

The appointment of mis-firing striker/defender Tim Stickland as his replacement has raised eyebrows. Responding to the inevitable concerns over Stickland’s lack of kit managerial experience, the spokesman insisted: “Tim has an encyclopaedic knowledge of both cleaning products and wash cycles that is the envy of East London – we’re delighted that he has agreed to apply his art to the man-made fibres of the Super A’s talismanic red bibs”.

In an attempt to further silence Stickland’s detractors, the club has released the following image depicting an intensely focused Stickland in practice manoeuvres this morning.

Both Hawkins and Stickland were unavailable for comment.

“No! THIS is how you tackle, young man!”

Probable line-up for Sunday’s game (one additional player TBC):

Bocchi
Diepeveen (TBC)
Kimberley
Mysterious “Moose”
Stickland
Turner

Fans’ favourites – an update

The club has been inundated with phone calls and threats from supporters, demanding to know the whereabouts of some of their favourite players:

• Bonell – on a scouting mission in Ireland, following the chairman’s £30 cash injection to fund new signings.
• Davies – last week’s four-goal hero is resting.
• Hawkins – in Berlin, coaching deprived children to Advanced Fouling and Punishment NVQ Level III standard.
• McInerney – arse still ravaged by buminjuries, but the physio says he’s a cert for Sunday 22nd if he lays off the roll-ups.

Right, that’s cleared up that then.