Sporting Apostrophes

“McInerney looks bewildered by father’s Adidas tumour”

The eleven-goal thriller against Matraquilhos FC yesterday ended in yet another defeat for the mighty Super A’s.

“It was ugly, up-in-the-air football, the kind that makes a purist sick from his bumhole” cried chairman Ernest Borgnine. “Yet again, concentration was in short supply, and we were punished accordingly. How on earth I’ll explain this to our beloved sponsor Shaw Tyre & Exhaust Co I don’t know.”

The Apostrophes, bolstered by new signings Farnsworth and Lissimore, sported an exciting new line up, to the delight of the capacity crowd. The in-form Turner patrolled the midfield, supported by the out-of-form, never-to-score-again Kimberley and new boy Farnsworth. Defensive duties were in the capable hands of Lissimore, supported by Hawkins, once again donning the famous hand sheathes. Against medical advice, McInerney roamed freely, in defiance of the cruel “static” nickname so often heard from the terraces.

“C’est une Catastrophe!” the crowd cried within moments of the kick-off, when a misunderstanding between Hawkins and Lissimore led to Matraquilhos’ first blood. The infidels soon scored a second, angering the voluminous, real-life, genuine crowd.

The Super A’s lapse of concentration soon passed, replaced by world-class, pass-and-move football that would grace the world’s greatest stadia. In football, like life, beauty must lead to punishment: in this instance, the blow was dealt by McInerney, with seconds of the first half to spare. The team retired to the hot tub a goal down, but with the testes of fate firmly within their baboon-like grasp.

The second half saw the Super A’s repeatedly take the lead thanks to a tidy brace by Farnsworth, plus a goal from Turner and a McInerney penalty. The team threatened to win the match on a number of occasions, but with the clock running down and concentration wavering, the Apostrophes were punished by Matraquilhos, who edged ahead at the death.

Sporting Apostrophes remain precariously close to the foot of the table. A terrible injustice!

Score: 5-6
Squad: Farnsworth, Hawkins, Kimberley, Lissimore, McInerney, Turner.
Goals: Farnsworth (2), McInerney (2), Turner (1).

“The Super A’s African Realtopbonus Soccer Education (A.R.S.E.) programme is sure to reap dividends”

Yesterday’s 12-goal thriller against Rigford Sea-Hawks ended in another tragic defeat for the Super A’s.

“We passed the ball about nicely, but our defensive frailties were exposed yet again” complained chairman Ernest Borgnine. “The boys are blessed with a divine talent, of that I’m certain, but they mustn’t get carried away with showboating when there’s hard manlygraft to be done. How I’ll explain this result to our beloved sponsor Shaw Tyre & Exhaust Co. I just don’t know.”

The Super A’s fielded a galaxy of stars including Bonell, McInerney, Turner (returning from his one-month lay-off) and the on-loan Cameo, to the delight and amazement of the enormous, real-life crowd. With the exception of Hawkins, who once again donned the sheathes of handiness, the team adopted a “freestyle” formation, mixing up their positions in a way that mankind has never before witnessed, and in all probability never will again.

For the first few minutes of the match, the Apostrophes’ unique tactic appeared to work. The team stroked the sphere from player to player with much beauty, evoking cries of “ace,” “manbonus” and even “beefvenom” from the innumerable fans. Things were looking very positive for the Super A’s until the Sea-Hawks, breaking down the left wing, struck the ball past a hapless Hawkins whose digits were looking somewhat less than their adhesive best. A Bonell blast briefly kept the team in the match, but it wasn’t enough to stop the Super A’s retiring to the luxury of their 5-star changing rooms 6-1 down.

With the substitutes bench a barren, lonely place, and with energy levels waning, the Apostrophes could do little to prevent a second half onslaught. Despite some great movement from Bonell and the rejuvenated Turner, with the assistance of some Cameo muscle, the team’s lack of defensive coherence led to further brutal punishment. A bizarre own goal added to the Apostrophes tally, to the delight of the abundant crowd, leaving the team to wind down the clock until referee Robert Mugabe called time with the score at an unacceptable 10-2 to the Sea-Hawks.

For the first time in the club’s history, Sporting Apostrophes climb to seventh in the league table! However, the imbeciles at Powerleague have spelt the team name incorrectly, which is a source of great embarrassment to the team and its beloved sponsor Shaw Tyre & Exhaust Co. A terrible injustice!

Score: 2-10
Squad: Bonell, Cameo, Hawkins, McInerney, Turner.
Goals: Bonell (1) plus one own-goal.

The stars thrill the crowd with their unique brand of “total football”

The Super A’s introduction to Division I football ended in a humiliating 14-1 reverse against Ocean 11 yesterday, to the dismay of the capacity crowd.

“It was like giving a Thalidomide boychild a Chinese burn” wept chairman Ernest Borgnine. “It was a painful result that brings great shame upon our beloved sponsor Shaw Tyre & Exhaust Co.”

A galaxy of stars turned out for the Apostrophes, every one a favourite of the genuine, loyal supporters in the sell-out crowd. “The Wall” McInerney adopted his usual defensive position, guarding the integrity of Hawkins, once again donning the five-fingered mansheathes. Kimberley and Bocchi took responsibility for offensive duties, supplied by an energetic Bonell.

The Super A’s were put to the sword from the first whistle. Ocean 11’s superior passing, shooting, running, fitness, ball control, positional sense, footwear, looks, muscles, skills and mantrickery proved too much. Despite Hawkins’ best efforts, the goal was deflowered within minutes.

The Apostrophes tried to respond with some vintage route one football to no avail, as the goals continued to fly in from all angles. Exhausted, dejected and six-nil down, the team retired to the hot tub at half time to discuss tactics.

The second half proved no better than the first for the mighty Super A’s. A reshuffled line-up saw McInerney and Bocchi switch positions in an attempt to generate more chances, but the triple-glazed window of opportunity was firmly sealed and shuttered, its handle broken off. Bonell and McInerney ventured bravely into Ocean 11’s half seeking some small crumb of footballing comfort; tragically, they received nothing but bitter, faecal crumbs of despair at the departure lounge.

With seconds of the match remaining, McInerney “pounced” to score a consolation goal for Sporting Apostrophes, but it was too little too late, the final score being 14-1 to Ocean 11.

Sporting Apostrophes start their first season in division one at the foot of the table. A terrible injustice!

Score: 1-14
Squad: Bocchi J, Bonell, Hawkins, Kimberley, McInerney.
Goals: McInerney (1).

Bonusotography

Number 11 Kimberley warms up his wayward right foot

Number 9 McInerney punts the ball into orbit

The Super A’s, suffering from exhaustion following their fixture with Unsung Heroes, were hammered 14-5 by Sugary Tea.

Fielding the same line-up as their first “Super Sunday” fixture and with no substitutes, the Apostrophes were always likely to struggle, despite their renowned athleticism.

The match started brightly enough, with Hawkins scoring within five seconds of the kick-off. An injury to Kimberley reduced the team to four men a short while later; the game deteriorated horribly from there, with a tidy hat-trick from McInerney being the only consolation.

Sporting Apostrophes end the season rooted to the bottom of the second division. A terrible injustice!

Score: 5-14
Squad: Bonell, Hawkins, Kimberley, McInerney, Reid.
Goals: Hawkins (1), McInerney (3), Reid (1).

“Very small crowds of very excited fans gathered to watch Reid warm up his very famous right peg on Saturday”

With their bruising first season nearing its end, the Super A’s succumbed to the superior athleticism and coordinating strip of Unsung Heroes, losing a respectable 5-2.

“This victory has brought them a worthy promotion” conceded chairman Ernest Borgnine. “However, I still think we were robbed, the referee was clearly bent, and the ball was under-inflated, no question.”

Sporting Apostrophes, deeply traumatised by the lack of substitutes for their first “Super Sunday”, began the game with a number of fans’ favourites gracing the white astroturf. Hawkins hoped to continue his fine form with the hand sheathes, protected by the immobile defensive wall of McInerney. Kimberley, fed by midfield wizard Bonell, aimed to add to his impressive haul of goals this season, with the help of Reid, on loan from Aston Villa.

The Super A’s stroked the ball around admirably, probing the Unsung Heroes for obvious vulnerabilities. Upon finding they had none, the Apostrophes found themselves under the hammer. The defensive heroics of Hawkins and “static” McInerney could only save the virginal dignity of the onion bag for the first ten minutes, before Unsung Heroes opened their account with two near identical goals. Sporting Apostrophes replied with a genuine wonder goal from Sweden’s Bonell followed by a Reid rocket, but it wasn’t enough to stop the team returning to the palatial splendour of their dressing room at half time a goal behind.

With energy in short supply and the substitutes bench unoccupied, the Super A’s fortunes waned as the second half progressed. The team laboured on, searching for opportunities, the vocal crowd willing them to overturn the one goal deficit. Despite their brave efforts, the boney, death-finger of exhaustion tapped each player on the shoulder, allowing Unsung Heroes to add a brace to their account.

“Kimberley’s left his shooting boots at home,” sighed one season ticket holder upon leaving the stadium. “So much for the ‘in-form’ striker tag!”

Sporting Apostrophes prop up the table with a miserly, Mugabe-like three points. A terrible injustice!

Score: 2-5
Squad: Bonell, Hawkins, Kimberley, McInerney, Reid.
Goals: Bonell (1), Reid (1).

“Kimberley, with boyfriend-mentor John Barnes, quaffs Lucozade by the quart to quench his irrepressible manthurstiness”

The mesmerising eight-goal thriller against FC Mackenhegan (FCM) yesterday ended in a convincing victory for the Super A’s.

“Outstanding, our first victory!” enthused chairman Ernest Borgnine, whilst thumbing his glans through his trousers. “It brought a tear to the eye of my anus.”

With Hawkins donning the famous hand sheathes, the Apostrophes kicked off with a familiar line-up, augmented with an extra helping of Italian meat by way of Bocchi A, brother of defensive danger-man Bocchi J. With in-form striker Kimberley, midfield maestro Bonell and “sick note” McInerney completing the line-up, a football extravaganza of much excellence was anticipated by the capacity crowd of genuine, real life fans.

Despite the presence of siblings, brotherly love was not in abundance during the first few minutes of the match. An innocuous challenge by Bocchi A enraged FC Mackenhegan’s talismanic captain Fat Rollo, who proceeded to burst the seams of his skin-tight shirt with his man-fury. Gibb, his luxurious hair and beard officiating the Super A’s yet again, controlled the testosterone-fuelled outburst admirably, condemning Fat Rollo to the stands for the remainder of the half.

The Apostrophes, calmer than an anaethetised paraplegic pensioner in a straight-jacket, proceeded to stroke the leather sphere around with great beauty, arousing the innumerable fans. FCM soon succumbed to the Super A’s entrancing “total football” – their virginal onion bag was brutally violated by a virile Kimberley, his purple patch of form throbbing like the vein on a monster’s penis.

FCM pegged back a solitary goal thanks to an unjust penalty, leaving the Apostrophes to return to the opulent luxury of their dressing room at half time with a commanding 4-1 lead.

With victory assured, the second half saw the Super A’s exercise their significant manliness and superiority at a canter. Hawkins impressed the genuinely voluminous crowd with a string of top draw saves; his trademark testicular “nad-save” late in the game was definitely one for the already bulging “Heroic Saves” scrapbook. Absent due to an orgy of drunkenness, 5-appearance legend Turner was but a distant memory to the partizan crowd.

Two late penalty misses by Bocchi A and Kimberley mattered little, the game already won thanks to additional goals by the brothers Bocchi and “sick note” McInerney.

Sporting Apostrophes remain adhered to the foot of the table with a particularly potent adhesive. A terrible injustice!

Score: 7-1
Squad: Bocchi A, Bocchi J, Bonell, Hawkins, Kimberley, McInerney.
Goals: Kimberley (4), Bocchi A (1), Bocchi J (1), McInerney (1).

“The fans show their bum-wrenching disgust!”
How on earth did the Super A’s loose this game? A terrible injustice!

Score: 5-8
Squad: Diepeveen, Kimberley, Stickland, Turner, Yargici.
Goals: Kimberley (4), Stickland (1).

“Father admires the official merchandise, available from the club shop”

Another sell-out under the arches resulted in a disappointing 8-5 reverse against Belarussion Domination yesterday,

“In the first half we were rubbish” opined chairman Ernest Borgnine. “They punished us good and proper, but we rallied in the second half and put in a good performance. It truly was a game of two testes.”

To the dismay of the fans, the Apostrophes were forced to play without their famous red bibs. Referee Barry Gibb, once again granted the privilege of refereeing a Super A’s classic, insisted that the bibs rendered the team invisible, given the red shirts of Belarus and the red playing surface.

Visibly disorientated by the change of attire, Sporting Apostrophes kicked off with a familiar line-up: Turner donning the hand sheathes; Bocchi’s Italian meat up the rear; Kimberley playing the role of puffing floater; Davies dishing up a generous helping of flair with a side order of goals up top; Stickland shouting up and down the right wing.

Within the first two minutes, the Super A’s were a goal up, courtesy of a hammer-like toe-poke that would grace any primary school playground from Kimberley. The exertion of scoring too much for him, Kimberley chose to rest on his laurels, the injured Hawkins his replacement.

Chants of “Belarus! Belarus!” filled the arches as the Apostrophes opponents upped their game. A flurry of long distance shots ensued, five of which miraculously found their target.

Fans on the terraces wondered whether it was the introduction of Hawkins that led to the embarrassing capitulation. “He’s not fit to wear the bib,” they cried, as Hawkins laboured about the pitch, slower than a pensioner on dialysis, as the referee blew the half time whistle.

The second half saw a marked improvement in the Super A’s performance and aggression. Bocchi and Turner put in a sparkling defensive display, out-leaping and out-muscling their adversaries respectively. With Kimberley and Stickland alternating in the role of soux chef to Davies’ celebrity chef, an improbable victory seemed an outside possibility.

Despite four well taken goals from Davies and a final warning from the referee for Hawkins, the second-gear exploits of the Apostrophes in the first half proved their undoing, with three more goals from Belarus deciding the fixture.

Sporting Apostrophes continue to prop up the second division table. A terrible injustice!

Score: 5-8
Squad: Bocchi, Davies, Hawkins, Kimberley, Stickland, Turner.
Goals: Davies (4), Kimberley (1).

“Forgive me, father, for I have chinned.”

The enthralling six-goal fixture against Rigford Sea-Hawks (RSH) yesterday ended in yet another tragic defeat for the Super A’s.

“It was a solid, bordering on thuggish performance against a quality side” enthused chairman Ernest Borgnine. “Despite being ravaged by injuries, hangovers and an eclectic mix of haircuts, the team did everyone proud.”

With three appearance legend Turner donning the hand sheathes, the match commenced with debutants Bocchi and Davies playing up top, with Kimberley and McInerney providing support at the back. Substitutes Bonell and Hawkins looked on apprehensively; could the Apostrophes really succeed against a team with an embroidered kit and a modicum of talent?

New signing Davies immediately put RSH to the sword, with a dazzling array of moves combined with boundless energy. Hawkins, upon replacing Kimberley, also put RSH to the sword, with a dazzling array of fouls, wrestling moves and blocking techniques, much to the delight of the fans.

“There’s only one albino Heskey!” the crowd roared, mid-Mexican wave.

RSH, clearly rattled by the unexpected heroics of the bottom-of-the-league team, regained a degree of composure, their afro-wielding right winger knocking in a tasty tap in to make the score 0-1. The Super A’s, riled by the terrible injustice of not being in the lead, scored two goals in rapid succession thanks to some sublime play by Davies. The Sea-Hawks promptly equalised, moments before referee Barry Gibb blew the half time whistle with the team level at two apiece.

The second half proved more challenging than the first. Bonell, Hawkins and Kimberley, suffering from alcohol injuries and limited stamina, were frequently substituted, often in tears. Bocchi continued to add some Italian meat to the side, whilst McInerney soldiered on through the pain, his arse visibly swollen and turtle-heading from the exertion.

Turner’s heroics spared the team’s dignity, his man-hands coveting the ball like a wild-eyed rapist at a fun fair, whilst Davies’ unrelenting assault on the Sea-Hawks prompted accusations of doping, with one pundit even commenting “he’s like Maradona in ’94, only with more pace and a better hairdo.”

To the dismay of the fans, the superior fitness and embroidered kits of the Sea-Hawks ultimately proved their worth, with a goal mid-half and another at the death sealing the Super A’s fate.

Sporting Apostrophes remain cemented to the foot of the table. A terrible injustice!

Score: 2-4
Squad: Bocchi, Bonell, Davies, Hawkins, Kimberley, McInerney, Turner.
Goals: Davies (2).

Action shots… for the fans

“My peripheral vision is so poor I can’t see my fingers”

A capacity crowd witnessed the dramatic twelve-goal thriller against the Jocks of One Flew Into the Keepers Net (OFIKN) today, which tragically ended in defeat for the Super A’s.

“My outrage is subsiding” moaned chairman Ernest Borgnine. “The boys showed incredible courage in the face of adversity, but an incredible lack of stamina proved their undoing”.

With crocked striker McInerney watching from the stands, the team started nervously, aware of the lack of substitutes on the bench. Bonell, clearly angered by his nation’s poor Eurovision ranking, made a lively start. Debutants Hodgkiss and Stickland, playing defence and goal-hanger respectively, looked right at home in what was an unfamiliar line-up for the Apostrophes. Turner, equalling the Super A’s appearance record of two, continued his fine form, marshalling the midfield like a white chocolate Makélélé.

The first ten minutes saw a vicious onslaught from OFIKN – “Adhesive Digits” Hawkins leapt to the team’s rescue like a rabies-ridden man-cat. Apostrophes gained their composure with the onion bag molested just once by enemy toe-pokes, when a savage mantackle felled goalscorer Turner outside the box.

“It hurt like a bastard,” he protested, as he was carried off the field.

Spectators looked on in amazement as McInerney cheered on the sidelines, adding to the rumours of dressing room unrest.

Down to four men and with energy in short supply, the Super A’s were soon 2-1 behind. Against the run of play, the scores were leveled by Stickland before the ref blew the whistle for half time.

The second half saw the Apostrophes regroup. Turner’s ankle, swollen and deformed beyond Beadle’s worst nightmare, bravely donned the goalkeeper’s gloves, putting in a sterling performance for the remainder of the game. Hawkins, unbridled from his hand sheathes, ran amok, choosing to run through his opponents rather than past them, with Hodgkiss proving equally robust down the flanks.

The Super A’s, their last soupcon of energy spent, pegged the score back on three occasions during the half, with goals from Bonell, Hawkins and another cannon from Stickland. However, the superior fitness of OFIKN, combined with the injuries, bad luck, poor refereeing and meteorological interference that cursed the Apostrophes from start to finish, resulted in a 7-5 reverse for the heroic Pele spawn.

Sporting Apostrophes remain rooted to the foot of the table. A terrible injustice!

Score: 5-7
Squad: Bonell, Hawkins, Hodgkiss, Stickland, Turner.
Goals: Bonell (1), Hawkins (1), Stickland (2), Turner (1).

“I poke out my eyes in shame!”
To the dismay of the capacity crowd, the nine-goal thriller against Sugary Tea ended in defeat for the Super A’s.

“It’s an outrage” fumed chairman Ernest Borgnine. “Our performance today was outstanding; flair, commitment, passion… with the exception of fitness, we had it all!”

The first half started promisingly. McInerney and Bonell proved a genuine goal threat, with ample supply from midfield maestro Turner. Diepeveen clearly understood the fundamentals of goalkeeping, and, with help from Hawkins at the back, it looked like the onion bag would not be violated for some time.

After five minutes, a deft touch (possibly an accidental deflection) from Bonell, followed by a well-placed shot from McInerney made it 1-0 to the Apostrophes. Unfortunately, the clearly corrupt referee chose to gift, I repeat for emphasis, GIFT the Teas five goals within the space of the next ten minutes. Substitute Kimberley’s relentless running, puffing, panting and sweating made little impact, and the infidel referee blew for half time with the score a miserable 1-5.

The second half saw Hawkins don the sweat-ridden goalie gloves, and, with a brief review of tactics, thing were definitely looking up. McInerney responded to the sixth Sugary Tea goal with a real howitzer, and only missed out on a hattrick thanks to a missed penalty later in the half. Turner’s energetic display looked like it could reap dividends, until the Teas promptly added a seventh. Dignity was (kind of, barely) spared with a penalty save by Hawkins late in the game.

Sporting Apostrophes remain rooted to the foot of the table. A terrible injustice!

Score: 2-7
Squad: Bonell, Diepeveen, Hawkins, Kimberley, McInerney, Turner.
Goals: McInerney (2)