Sporting Apostrophes

Pele's love-children finally unite!

Archive for the ‘Announcements’ Category

Posted by Milan on November 19, 2008

State-of-the-art technology aids Super A’s tactics

Posted under Announcements

Borgnine Computer-1

“Borgnine and Turner study the Apostrophes form book”

Sporting Apostophes’ Projectile Emulation Niche Instruction Simulator (P.E.N.I.S.) application, codenamed “Oracle”, has been upgraded to display per-season statistics on the world’s favourite team.

“It’s a real eye-opener” enthused chairman Ernest Borgnine. “It’s clear to see how effective Farnsworth and Wessely have been so far this season. McInerney is confirmed as last season’s Top Onion Bag Penetrator, with Farnsworth a mere goal behind, whilst Kimberley was our best striker before that.”

Posted by Milan on October 3, 2008

The folly of youth

Posted under Announcements

Borgnine Farnsworth Yoh

“Jubilant YOH FC players gloat with their championship medals, as Borgnine and Farnsworth concoct an evil plan for their destruction”

Sporting Apostrophes expect yet another sell-out crowd for their final game of the season against newly-crowned champions YOH FC.

“Of course, everyone knows that we’re the best team in the league, if not the world, but I must extend my warmest congratulatory penis in their general direction,” said chairman Ernest Borgnine at a pre-match photo call. “I’d sex all of them if it was legal.”

Posted by Milan on September 26, 2008

Super A’s Oracle launches

Posted under Announcements

Borgnine Computer

“Borgnine never makes eye contact with IT professionals”

Sporting Apostrophes have invested in an exciting new player analysis tool, codenamed “Oracle” by chairman Ernest Borgnine.

“It’s perma-beta, Web 3.0, written entirely in BonusScript and it cost the club loads,” he enthused. “An extremely complex algorithm has been used to calculate transfer values that’s so confusing that neither I nor the fans can understand it. Great news!”

Click here to view the Sporting Apostrophes Oracle.

Posted by Milan on September 18, 2008

Borgnine the magpie

Posted under Announcements

Borgnine European Cup

“Borgnine covets the European Cup, brim-full of Pele seed from a single, Biblical ejaculate from the Ballfather, hallowed be thy Plimsoles”

Sporting Apostrophes’ beloved chairman Ernest Borgnine reiterated his desire for silverware following confirmation of the team’s transfer to the Liverpool Street Powerleague next season.

“With the wealth of talent in this squad we should be challenging on all fronts,” he declared. “The team has everything: pace, skill, desire, passion, looks, magic, beef, and, crucially, the support of the late Christopher Reeve. With the rub of the green and perhaps a few bereavements elsewhere in the division, I truly believe that we can dominate this league for decades to come.”

Posted by Milan on July 6, 2008

Sporting Apostrophes Promoted!

Posted under Announcements

Sporting Apostrophes Promoted

“Millions of genuine, real life fans are elated”

Confused players and fans wept with misplaced joy today upon hearing of the Super A’s promotion to Division I.

“We can’t wait to get stuck in!” cried chairman Ernest Borgnine. “It’s a tantalising prospect, facing Rigford Sea-Hawks, Unsung Heroes and a whole host of infinitely superior teams.”

Posted by Milan on July 3, 2008

New sponsor confirmed

Posted under Announcements, Press releases

Hawkins Goal Celebration

“Hawkins wears the new Super A’s shirt at the opening polyesterceremonials”

Sporting Apostrophes are delighted to announce a new shirt sponsorship deal with Shaw Tyre & Exhaust Co. Beloved chairman Ernest Borgnine signed the £2,500,000 one-season contract at the prestigious Lancashire offices of the team’s new sponsor.

“They’re proper excellent” the chairman enthused, stroking the new team shirt with his strong, manly left hand, whilst stroking his flaccid penis with his delicate, feminine right.

Squad numbers for the new season will be confirmed shortly.

Posted by Milan on June 24, 2008

A legend is born

Posted under Announcements, Fashion, Press releases

Sporting Apostrophes Logo

The Sporting Apostrophes official club badge was unveiled today at a packed press conference in east London.

Any die-hard Apostrophes fan will immediately recognise the significance of the various components of the badge; to help the ignorant:

  • The badge boasts an officially licensed likeness of Pele, smiling broadly after yet another devastating Super A’s performance.
  • The two golden footballs represent Pele’s generous, loving plums (refer to the history section of this website for more information).
  • The motto “A ATROX INIQUITAS” – “A terrible injustice” in Latin.
  • The badge features three gold stars, the meaning of which is a terrible, terrible secret.

Officially licensed merchandise will be available from all good sports retailers shortly.
Sporting Apostrophes Shirt Mockup Yellow
Sporting Apostrophes Shirt Mockup White

Posted by Milan on June 20, 2008

Kit man reappointed after laundry scandal

Posted under Announcements, Fashion

Milan-Ironing

“The club boasts state-of-the-art offshore laundry facilities”

The Super A’s have reappointed Hawkins as Head of Laundry following a catalogue of errors by stand-in Stickland.

“He didn’t even wash the sacred bibs! As any fan will tell you, a match-worn Sporting Apostrophes bib goes for £1000s on eBay, so I can’t help but question his motives.”

Fans and players are strongly encouraged to vote for the colour of the new kit, scheduled to debut next season, at the official Super A’s website.

Posted by Stickyhands on June 13, 2008

Apostrophes appoint new kit man

Posted under Announcements, Team news

In a shock backroom restructure, player/manager Milan Hawkins has resigned from his position as kit manager, citing the club’s much publicised refusal to contribute towards his mounting detergent costs as the overriding factor.

In a press conference, a club spokesman said “Due to the crippling lack of finances imposed on the club by the team’s consistent underacheivement, the board was simply unable to meet Milan’s monetary demands”.

The appointment of mis-firing striker/defender Tim Stickland as his replacement has raised eyebrows. Responding to the inevitable concerns over Stickland’s lack of kit managerial experience, the spokesman insisted: “Tim has an encyclopaedic knowledge of both cleaning products and wash cycles that is the envy of East London – we’re delighted that he has agreed to apply his art to the man-made fibres of the Super A’s talismanic red bibs”.

In an attempt to further silence Stickland’s detractors, the club has released the following image depicting an intensely focused Stickland in practice manoeuvres this morning.

Both Hawkins and Stickland were unavailable for comment.