Sporting Apostrophes

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“The Bonell family can’t wait to see their boy”

The following players will be lining up for the Super A’s for Sunday’s match against Rigford Sea-Hawks:

Bocchi J
Bonell
Hawkins
McInerney
Turner

Yes folks, that’s only five, so if anyone else wants to play please raise your hand.

This enticing fixture will be Bonell’s last for several weeks. Fans are encouraged to turn up in force to see the Super A’s legend make his eighth appearance.

“I’m off to the motherland for a fortnight, then I’m having the Sporting Apostrophes logo tattooed on my back,” the Swedish midfielder announced at a packed press conference this morning.

The stars thrill the crowd with their unique brand of “total football”

The Super A’s introduction to Division I football ended in a humiliating 14-1 reverse against Ocean 11 yesterday, to the dismay of the capacity crowd.

“It was like giving a Thalidomide boychild a Chinese burn” wept chairman Ernest Borgnine. “It was a painful result that brings great shame upon our beloved sponsor Shaw Tyre & Exhaust Co.”

A galaxy of stars turned out for the Apostrophes, every one a favourite of the genuine, loyal supporters in the sell-out crowd. “The Wall” McInerney adopted his usual defensive position, guarding the integrity of Hawkins, once again donning the five-fingered mansheathes. Kimberley and Bocchi took responsibility for offensive duties, supplied by an energetic Bonell.

The Super A’s were put to the sword from the first whistle. Ocean 11’s superior passing, shooting, running, fitness, ball control, positional sense, footwear, looks, muscles, skills and mantrickery proved too much. Despite Hawkins’ best efforts, the goal was deflowered within minutes.

The Apostrophes tried to respond with some vintage route one football to no avail, as the goals continued to fly in from all angles. Exhausted, dejected and six-nil down, the team retired to the hot tub at half time to discuss tactics.

The second half proved no better than the first for the mighty Super A’s. A reshuffled line-up saw McInerney and Bocchi switch positions in an attempt to generate more chances, but the triple-glazed window of opportunity was firmly sealed and shuttered, its handle broken off. Bonell and McInerney ventured bravely into Ocean 11’s half seeking some small crumb of footballing comfort; tragically, they received nothing but bitter, faecal crumbs of despair at the departure lounge.

With seconds of the match remaining, McInerney “pounced” to score a consolation goal for Sporting Apostrophes, but it was too little too late, the final score being 14-1 to Ocean 11.

Sporting Apostrophes start their first season in division one at the foot of the table. A terrible injustice!

Score: 1-14
Squad: Bocchi J, Bonell, Hawkins, Kimberley, McInerney.
Goals: McInerney (1).

Bonusotography

Number 11 Kimberley warms up his wayward right foot

Number 9 McInerney punts the ball into orbit

“Millions of genuine, real life fans are elated”

Confused players and fans wept with misplaced joy today upon hearing of the Super A’s promotion to Division I.

“We can’t wait to get stuck in!” cried chairman Ernest Borgnine. “It’s a tantalising prospect, facing Rigford Sea-Hawks, Unsung Heroes and a whole host of infinitely superior teams.”

2.20pm kick-off, Sunday 13th July 2008 at Powerleague Old Street.

“Hawkins wears the new Super A’s shirt at the opening polyesterceremonials”

Sporting Apostrophes are delighted to announce a new shirt sponsorship deal with Shaw Tyre & Exhaust Co. Beloved chairman Ernest Borgnine signed the £2,500,000 one-season contract at the prestigious Lancashire offices of the team’s new sponsor.

“They’re proper excellent” the chairman enthused, stroking the new team shirt with his strong, manly left hand, whilst stroking his flaccid penis with his delicate, feminine right.

Squad numbers for the new season will be confirmed shortly.

The Super A’s, suffering from exhaustion following their fixture with Unsung Heroes, were hammered 14-5 by Sugary Tea.

Fielding the same line-up as their first “Super Sunday” fixture and with no substitutes, the Apostrophes were always likely to struggle, despite their renowned athleticism.

The match started brightly enough, with Hawkins scoring within five seconds of the kick-off. An injury to Kimberley reduced the team to four men a short while later; the game deteriorated horribly from there, with a tidy hat-trick from McInerney being the only consolation.

Sporting Apostrophes end the season rooted to the bottom of the second division. A terrible injustice!

Score: 5-14
Squad: Bonell, Hawkins, Kimberley, McInerney, Reid.
Goals: Hawkins (1), McInerney (3), Reid (1).

Division II, season IV kicks off at 3.40pm on Sunday 6th July against Ocean 11.

“Police will leave no crevice uninvestigated in the search for the holybib”

One of the famous Super A’s red bibs is missing following Sunday’s fixtures.

“I was getting the bibs ready for ‘er indoors to wash,” sobbed kitman and hand sheath enthusiast Hawkins. “There should have been ten… ten…” he continued, releasing a full-on mankatebushwail from the bottom of his bumcaverns.

Players, fans and groupies are encouraged to check their laundry baskets for this piece of sporting history. In the meantime, police will continue their investigations.

“Very small crowds of very excited fans gathered to watch Reid warm up his very famous right peg on Saturday”

With their bruising first season nearing its end, the Super A’s succumbed to the superior athleticism and coordinating strip of Unsung Heroes, losing a respectable 5-2.

“This victory has brought them a worthy promotion” conceded chairman Ernest Borgnine. “However, I still think we were robbed, the referee was clearly bent, and the ball was under-inflated, no question.”

Sporting Apostrophes, deeply traumatised by the lack of substitutes for their first “Super Sunday”, began the game with a number of fans’ favourites gracing the white astroturf. Hawkins hoped to continue his fine form with the hand sheathes, protected by the immobile defensive wall of McInerney. Kimberley, fed by midfield wizard Bonell, aimed to add to his impressive haul of goals this season, with the help of Reid, on loan from Aston Villa.

The Super A’s stroked the ball around admirably, probing the Unsung Heroes for obvious vulnerabilities. Upon finding they had none, the Apostrophes found themselves under the hammer. The defensive heroics of Hawkins and “static” McInerney could only save the virginal dignity of the onion bag for the first ten minutes, before Unsung Heroes opened their account with two near identical goals. Sporting Apostrophes replied with a genuine wonder goal from Sweden’s Bonell followed by a Reid rocket, but it wasn’t enough to stop the team returning to the palatial splendour of their dressing room at half time a goal behind.

With energy in short supply and the substitutes bench unoccupied, the Super A’s fortunes waned as the second half progressed. The team laboured on, searching for opportunities, the vocal crowd willing them to overturn the one goal deficit. Despite their brave efforts, the boney, death-finger of exhaustion tapped each player on the shoulder, allowing Unsung Heroes to add a brace to their account.

“Kimberley’s left his shooting boots at home,” sighed one season ticket holder upon leaving the stadium. “So much for the ‘in-form’ striker tag!”

Sporting Apostrophes prop up the table with a miserly, Mugabe-like three points. A terrible injustice!

Score: 2-5
Squad: Bonell, Hawkins, Kimberley, McInerney, Reid.
Goals: Bonell (1), Reid (1).

The poll to decide the colour of the Super A’s official team strip will end at 9pm on Saturday evening. Fans and players alike are strongly encouraged to get their votes in as soon as possible.

Following consultation with embroidery experts, a series of important revisions have been made to the Sporting Apostrophes club badge to ensure it can be successfully created:

• The team name is now larger, and the outline stroke has been removed.
• The text beneath the badge has also increased in size to ensure legibility once stitched.
• The Latin motto is now beneath the badge rather than on the sash.
• Flames add drama and excitment.
• At the request of Pele’s agent, the footballs are now brown like his employer’s testes.