2.20pm kick-off, Sunday 4th January 2009 at Powerleague London City.
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Yesterday’s final “Super Sunday” installment against old rivals One Flew Into The Keepers Net ended in an unfortunate 8-2 defeat for the Super A’s.
“That’s three times we’ve played them, three times we’ve tasted their tartan punishment” wept chairman Ernest Borgnine, his anger at the lack of progress palpable. “Our first encounter at Old Street was close, the second somewhat less so, and today we’re bummed by an 8-ball to a deuce. Mark my words, heads will roll for this.”
For the umpteenth time this season, Sporting Apostrophes inferior fitness proved their undoing. The team played some joyous tippy-tappy loveball in the first half, to the delight of the capacity crowd, but with the substitutes bench a barren, lonely place, and energy levels flagging, things inevitably went awry after half time.
An inspired performance by sheathmaster Stickland and a brace for Wessely were the only highlights of a disappointing match, as the Super A’s, outclassed by their Irn-Bru-fuelled foes, succumbed to yet another sickening defeat. A terrible injustice!
Score: 2-8
Squad: Hawkins, Hinceman, Stickland, Wessely, White.
Goals: Wessely (2).
Last Sunday’s match against Team Wang ended in a surprising 7-1 reverse for the world’s favourite football team.
“Those pigs! They’ve improved immeasurably since our last meeting” complained chairman Ernest Borgnine, enraged at the terrible injustice of it all. “The uncoordinated buffoons that littered their squad were an embarrassment, players unworthy of the most special of special schools. Their new signings are a world apart: we underestimated them and were punished accordingly.”
With the exception of Stickland’s long-awaited return from injury, Apostrophes fans had little to cheer, the solitary onion bag violation arriving courtesy of a Wang deflection. A terrible injustice!
Score: 1-7
Squad: Hawkins, Hinceman, Stickland, Wessely, White.
Goals: own goal
“The team’s unique ‘never make eye contact’ tactic fails them once again. Left to right: Kimberley, O’Hara, Wessely, Lissimore”
For the second time this season, the grenade-like suppository of defeat was inserted firmly into Sporting Apostrophes’ anus by Real So So Bad, a full nine inches with a stereo response (commonly known as 9-2).
“How do I explain this result to potential sponsors?” asked chairman Ernest Borgnine at the regular post-match manscaping. “We were 1-0 up for the first ten minutes but lose 9-2!? The long, accusatory, penetrating finger of blame will be inserted into many a player, that’s for sure.”
A crisp winter’s day greeted the Apostrophes legends as they galloped forth from the tunnel in their famous yellow jerseys. The capacity crowd of genuine, real life fans roared their approval as the attacking pairing of “guarantee” Farnsworth and Kimberley appeared, followed by midfield maestros O’Hara and Wessely. A handsheathed Hawkins joined them, with sweeper Lissimore at the rear, the pair scheduled to change roles in the second half.
Sporting Apostrophes kicked off their landmark 30th match cautiously, the memory of their previous defeat at the hands of Real So So Bad still painful. Against the run of play, the Super A’s drew first blood, a trademark cannon from Farnsworth. Wounded like a bumraped badger, their opponents pressed forward, eager to make amends.
“Poo biscuits!” yelled Hawkins, as the ball violated his coveted onion bag to level the scores, a cruel deflection off Wessely. Real So So Bad added another, a terribly unjust tap-in following a heroic save from Hawkins.
“Violate them!” cried the partizan crowd, the aromatic aroma of victory having been replaced by the sickening scent of defeat in a matter of seconds. Farnsworth responded, unleashing a fearsome shot into the top corner, as the referee blew the whistle for half time, denying him the equaliser that was his by divine right. Ignoring the Apostrophes remonstrations, the referee left the field for his ritual defecation, unaffected by the chorus of boos from the crowd.
The second half was a miserable affair for the world’s favourite team. Real scored a flurry of goals in the first few minutes, as the Apostrophes, frustrated by their lack of opportunities, adopted a more physical approach with limited success. Kimberley and Wessely’s best efforts couldn’t beat Real’s in-form ‘keeper, and each attack prompted a vicious counter. An energetic display from O’Hara and commendable performances from Lissimore and Hawkins were simply not enough, the only consolation being a second goal for “guarantee” Farnsworth, his 16th of the season.
The shrill, unwelcome sound of the referee’s whistle brought the match to an end, a disappointing 9-2 loss for Sporting Apostrophes, who remain 5th in the division II table. A terrible injustice!
Score: 2-9
Squad: Farnsworth, O’Hara, Hawkins, Kimberley, Lissimore, Wessely.
Goals: Farnsworth (2).
Sporting Apostrophes vs Team Wang, 2.20pm kick-off, Sunday 21st December 2008 at Powerleague London City, followed by Sporting Apostrophes vs One Flew Into the Keepers Net at 3.40pm.
Please leave a comment indicating your availability for this unmissable Super A’s “Super Sunday” double header.
“Lissimore simulates advanced counter attacking methods using the Apostrophes’ proprietary software”
Sporting Apostrophes software development programme (codenamed “Oracle“) continues to reap dividends with the arrival of new, per-season match statistics.
Chairman Ernest Borgnine was in bullish mood at the official unveiling of the hotly-anticipated new feature:
“The arrival of this update begs the question: will we ever lose again?” he asked the gathered journalists, who proceeded to shake their heads and penises vigorously to indicate their absolute approval. “Despite winning a mere 20% of the 29 matches we’ve played to date, there’s little doubt that Sporting Apostrophes are the greatest football team of all time bar none. Pele, Beckenbauer, Maradona, Hinceman, Farnsworth, Wessely – these are players the world can never forget.”
Rival fans were quick to ridicule the Super A’s terrible performance in season 2, but with a noticeable improvement this season Apostrophes fans have much to look forward to.
“The team strike a pose. Back row, left to right: Farnsworth, McInerney, Turner, Lissimore, Hinceman. Front row, left to right: Bonell, Wessely, Kimberley, Hawkins.”
Sporting Apostrophes’ refurbished “Gymansium” [sic] opened this morning with an open training session for journalists and a handful of disabled, terminally ill, albino, ethnic minority orphans.
“This facility pushes the boundaries of fitness AND sexuality!” chairman Ernest Borgnine enthused at the official unveiling. “State-of-the-art exercise machines combined with industry-leading statistics – one wonders whether we’ll ever lose again?!”
Following a special request from Lissimore, the new complex has been declared a yeast, wheat, sugar, tar and glue-free zone.
“Farnsworth congratulates Kimberley on his stereo onion bag violations”
Sporting Apostrophes unlikely promotion campaign took a sizable step forward thanks to a well earned three points from yesterday’s match against Dynamo Kebab.
“I’m very pleased with the win, but we need to start scoring more goals if we’re to gain the promotion that is ours by divine right,” commented chairman Ernest Borgnine at the post match charity luge-off. “The next match against Real So So Bad is critical – we can’t afford to drop any more points.”
The Super A’s cascaded onto the astroturf like an athletic deck of cards, unleashed from their cellophane prison to rapturous applause. Farnsworth appeared first, eager to add to his incredible 10-in-5 goal tally, followed by Kimberley, who, having scored in all but one of his appearances this season, has finally hit top form. Lissimore joined them, the on-off sheathmaster, full-time yeast-hater determined to impress. Returning from their promotional tour of Berlin, Hawkins, Hinceman and McInerney completed the Apostrophes line-up, their alcohol injuries a distant-but-painful memory.
Within seconds of referee Morgan Tsvangirai’s whistle, Sporting Apostrophes were a goal down thanks to some haphazard defending by Hawkins, deployed as an outfield player for the first half.
“What can I say? My naked, sheathless hands longed to covet the ball, like a child covets the warm, generous testicles of a dinosaur. I was dazed and confused,” he protested, after the ball had ricocheted off his calf into the top corner of Lissimore’s goal.
With the roar of the non-fictional Grammar End behind them, Sporting Apostrophes soon equalised thanks to some delicious tippy-tappy-tip-tap-bang concluded by Kimberley. A sequence of onion bag violations from “guarantee” Farnsworth and McInerney brought tears to the eyes of Dynamo Kebab, as the Super A’s wreaked havok with their fluid, passing sexball. The onslaught continued until the authoritarian, angry lips of Tsvangirai attached themselves to his whistle, a 90-second blow denoting the end of the first half, leaving the team to retire to their changing boudoir with the score at 6-4.
Lissimore handed the sheathes to Hawkins as Dynamo Kebab kicked off the second half. Sporting Apostrophes were compelled to defend almost immediately as Dynamo pushed forward, eager to make up the 2-goal deficit. Hinceman’s energetic running, combined with some disciplined defending by Lissimore, thwarted the infidels’ attacks. Up top, Farnsworth, Kimberley and McInerney titillated the partizan crowd with their unique 3-in-a-bed attacking sandwich, their offensive buffet proving too much for Dynamo’s hapless sheath enthusiast.
The Super A’s prodded, probed and intruded their opponents, eager to reach an historic 10-goal milestone, but the unforgiving whistle of Tsvangirai sounded once more with the score at 9-6. A terrible injustice!
Score: 9-6
Squad: Farnsworth, Hawkins, Hinceman, Kimberley, Lissimore, McInerney.
Goals: Farnsworth (4), McInerney (3), Kimberley (2).
2.20pm kick-off, Sunday 14th December 2008 at Powerleague London City.
Please leave a comment indicating your availability for this unmissable Super A’s fixture.
“Hinceman, McInerney and Hawkins fly the flag for Shaw Tyres in Berlin’s famous Olympic Stadium”
For the first time in their 28-game history, Sporting Apostrophes shared the points in Sunday’s ugly encounter with U.B.O.C.
“They played a dirty, aggressive game to combat our fluid, passing sexball,” raged chairman Ernest Borgnine at the post match press conference. “Mark my words with permanent pen and laminate them with the semen of a Somali pirate, we’ll beat these infidels when next we meet.”
Special plaudits must go out to O’Hara and Rock, whose Super A’s debuts impressed fans and pundits alike.
Sporting Apostrophes’ long suffering fictional sponsor Shaw Tyres refused to comment, furthering rumours of significant changes during the forthcoming transfer window. A terrible injustice!
Score: 4-4
Squad: Bonell, O’Hara, Kimberley, Lissimore, Rock, Wessely.
Goals: Bonell (1), Kimberley (2), Rock (1).
1.40pm kick-off, Sunday 7th December 2008 at Powerleague London City.
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“Kimberley takes full advantage of the adverse weather conditions”
For the third time this season, Sporting Apostrophes suffered the bitter taste of defeat in Sunday’s rain-drenched encounter with promotion rivals It’s Back.
“Rain! It’s like waterpoison from the sky!” raged chariman Ernest Borgnine, his uncontrollable fury making him spontaneously urinate, bringing tears to the eyes of loyal fans. “We leave the desert of Old Street, only to find ourselves in a footballing Atlantis!”
The Super A’s “Galacticos” sauntered from the tunnel to be greeted by torrential rain and a sodden, unwilling pitch. Mother Nature herself, against the will of God and the Holy Spirit of Christopher Reeve, had conspired to nullify the Apstrophes’ fluid, passing football.
“Curse thee!” shouted Hawkins, extending his sheathed middle finger to the sky, a sight so magnificent the sun retreated further still, it’s fear evident to anyone equipped with the most rudimentary astronomy skills.
In defiance of the unjust weather conditions, the team proceeded to perform their patented warm-up routine, a complicated blend of pilates, golf and Esperanto, the team’s official tactical language. Lissimore and Hinceman, masters of the technique, concluded their session with an astonishing double somersault, proving they were ready in mind, body and bowel. Turner’s “Outback Moonwalk” soon followed, as Wessely’s “East End Shuffle” reached its apex. “guarantee” Farnworth’s northern soul forbids such outbursts, but his menacing golf swing brought gasps from the capacity crowd. Hawkins, floating above the pitch propelled by the power of Tina Turner’s “Simply The Best”, was transfixed, as though in a world of his own, his mind focused like a pornographer’s camera. At the rear, Kimberley’s attempt at a solitary push-up brought respectful applause from the die-hard Grammaticals.
The first half was a tense affair as the two teams probed, poked and stroked each other as an uncivilised Tarzan might molest Jane, or indeed Cheetah during public holidays. The stalemate was broken by a ferocious, unstoppable shot from Kimberley, bringing his goal tally to four this season. It’s Back responded with some clever counter attacks, taking full advantage of the Apostrophes’ reduced mobility in the adverse weather conditions. A penalty save from It’s Back’s hand sheath exponent denied Turner the opportunity to reduce the deficit, leaving the team two goals behind as they retired to their changing boudoir at half time.
Sporting Apostrophes’ will to win, usually absent by the break, was as strong as ever as the team kicked off the second half. Disciplined defending by Lissimore and Hinceman reduced It’s Back’s opportunities, as Turner and Wessely sought to supply Kimberley and Farnsworth with the ball stroking they crave. Their efforts were rewarded by “guarantee” Farnsworth’s right boot, with a well-taken follow-up from Turner.
“If the rain stopped we’d smell victory,” one fan pleaded, but Mother Nature, deaf to his cries, unleashed the full force of her might, to the dismay of the innumerable fans.
Forlorn, dejected, beaten and bruised, the team swam from the pitch at the final whistle, cursing their luck on such a wretched day.
Sporting Apostrophes remain fifth in the table, their erratic WLWLWL streak confusing fans and pundits alike. A terrible injustice!
Score: 3-6
Squad: Farnsworth, Hawkins, Hinceman, Kimberley, Lissimore, Turner, Wessely.
Goals: Farnsworth (1), Kimberley (1), Turner (1).