Sporting Apostrophes

“Wessely’s shoulder: defrosted and back to its best”

Sporting Apostrophes’ fifth encounter with old rivals Team Wang resulted in an emphatic victory for the world’s favourite football team.

“I promised new signings, I delivered new signings!” enthused chairman Ernest Borgnine, his eyes still watering from the influx of onion. “One wonders, could Farnsworth’s record of 24 goals be under threat so soon?”

The Super A’s first fixture of season V, following the previous week’s postponement, featured an eye-popping array of new signings, all eager to do justice to the famous yellow jersey. Brun, from Italy; Canadian Hannigan-Daley; the unknown Chan: fans were agog at this incredible injection of new blood into the team. The debutants were joined by Apostolov, Hawkins and Lissimore, and, to the delight of the capacity crowd, midfield maestro Wessely, fully recovered from his long-term injury.

Apprehensive, tentative, probing: the Apostrophes’ incredible new line-up took just minutes to form, as an Eskimo’s jelly solidifies rapidly in the land of the midnight sun. A stunning drive from Hannigan-Daley opened the team’s account. Team Wang responded with a fortunate long-range effort, before Sporting’s onion monsoon descended. Referee Candy watched from the sidelines, awe-struck, as Wang’s onion bag was violated again and again by Brun and Hannigan-Daley. Wang offered little in response, their sole effort a penalty saved by “adhesive digits” Hawkins, before the half time whistle blew with the team boasting an astonishing 7-1 advantage.

With such a commanding lead, it was inevitable that the team’s appetite for onion would be diminished. Sporting Apostrophes’ post-coital, tippy-tappy deliciousness brought cheers from the crowd, but their most vocal praise was saved for Wessely, who, back from injury, performed with tremendous energy, instructing the new recruits on the intricacies of Powerleague and the necessity of defending, aided by the ever-reliable Lissimore.

Further violations from Brun, Hannigan-Daley and Wessely added to Sporting Apostrophes’ record-breaking tally, with Wang adding another two, leaving the referee to bring an end to proceedings with the score at 10-3 to the Super A’s.

Sporting Apostrophes historic 50th match ended in a well-deserved victory, but the shortage of yellow shirts and the ongoing sponsorship saga remain a source of considerable irritation. A terrible injustice!

Score: 10-3
Squad: Apostolov, Brun, Chan, Hannigan-Daley, Hawkins, Lissimore, Wessely.
Goals: Brun (5), Hannigan-Daley (4), Wessely (1).

2.20pm kick-off, Sunday 17th May 2009 at Powerleague London City.

Please leave a comment indicating your availability for this unmissable Super A’s fixture.

3.40pm kick-off, Sunday 10th May 2009 at Powerleague London City.
Please leave a comment indicating your availability for this unmissable Super A’s fixture.

“A Sporting Apostrophes fan makes his feelings known”

Sporting Apostrophes will continue to strike fear into the hearts and bowels of division II teams, following official news that their on-off relegation battle has been abandoned.

“Truth be told, we rely on them for gate receipts,” opined Andrew Pigott, Head Of Emailing Things And Facebook at Powerleague London City. “We’d lose untold millions on merchandise and TV rights, so we’d be foolish to relegate them. After all, they are the world’s favourite football team!”

Fans’ forums were ablaze following news that both division I and II will be extended to 10 teams, increasing the season length to an astonishing 18 games.

“With international fixtures, the Champions League and exhibition games in the far east, I don’t know how we’re supposed to keep the squad fit, ready and marginally able,” chairman Ernest Borgnine complained, aghast at the last-minute league expansion. “Nevertheless, with One Flew In The Keepers Net out of the way I confidently predict promotion this season.”

“Everyone’s a winner at the Sporting Apostrophes end-of-season bash. Left to right: McInerney, Stickland, Lissimore, Farnsworth, Apostolov, Kimberley, Hinceman.”

Overview

Sporting Apostrophes fourth season was an unmitigated disaster. The 7 points won from the first 5 matches promised to deliver a mid-table finish, but the subsequent 9 losses were worse than even the most pessimistic of fans could have imagined. The team’s bottom-placed finish marks a new low for the club, and, with the spectre of relegation a distinct possibility (subject to the formation of division III), the outlook for the world’s favourite football team is bleak.

The reasons for the Super A’s capitulation are clear:

• Injury problems – Wessely in particular has been sorely missed.
• Holidays – “ice queen” Turner’s love of the slopes has denied the team of his tippy-tappy goodness.
• Substitutes – All too often, Sporting Apostrophes have been forced to field a team of just 5, sometimes less during the difficult mid-season.
• Officiation – Referee Gillespie’s promised penalties failed to materialise.
• Attire – The cursed blue jersey has brought the team nothing but heartache.

Best Performance

Sporting Apostrophes’ performance of the season was undoubtedly the 9-3 victory against Team Wang, which featured a remarkable double hat-trick from the irrepressible “terrorist” Farnsworth.

Worst Performance

The gut-wrenching, bowel-clenching 18-2 hammering at the hands of El Paso is certainly a candidate, but the 15-3 mauling by U.B.O.C. surely takes the biscuit. With a full compliment of players, including substitutes, against a team previously conquered, the team can do little but hang their heads in shame at the bitter memory.

Goal scorers

To the delight of fans, “guarantee” Farnsworth’s double hat-trick on the final day of the season brought his tally to 24, bettering his previous best by 2 goals and setting a new Sporting Apostrophes record in the process. His goals-per-game average of 3 is unsurpassed.

McInerney contributed 9 onion bag violations, just a single goal behind his personal best of 10 achieved in season 2.

Hinceman equalled his personal best of 4, a figure matched by Wessley, who surely would have scored more were his season not cut short by injury.

Kimberley’s haul of 3 is consistent with his transformation into the albino Essien.

Man-of-the-Match awards

Hawkins won the coveted man-of-the-match gong in 5 of his 12 appearances, equalling his previous best set in season II, and demonstrating a clear return to form for the handsheath specialist after a disappointing season III.

Farnsworth was the stand-out player in half of his 8 matches.

Despite having a solid season, Hinceman will be disappointed that his record-breaking tally of 6 man-of-the-match awards has halved; conversely, Kimberley, also on 3, must be commended for his achievements, having not won the award in his previous two campaigns.

Bell’s goal-scoring, man-of-the-match debut against Real So So Bad deserves special plaudits.

Disciplinary record

Sporting Apostrophes boast an unblemished disciplinary record in their historic fourth season.

Appearances

Hawkins matched the Apostrophes record of 12 appearances set by Wessely in season III.

Hinceman graced the astroturf 11 times; a personal best.

Kimberley and McInerney both wore the famous jersey on 10 occasions; a great achievement for the latter, following last season’s tobacco injuries.

Fans have high hopes for Turner, whose absences, whether through vacation or injury, are a source of much frustration in the Grammar End.

Sporting Apostrophes welcome Apostolov and Bell, who both made their debuts in the latter half of the season. The team waves farewell to Super A’s legend Bonell, who despite announcing his retirement may well make the occasional appearance to thrill the fans.

Success ratio

(wins+draws) ÷ appearances = Success Ratio

Incredibly, despite his injury woes, Wessely boasts a success ratio of 0.5, clearly demonstrating his contribution to the team’s chances of success.

With the team reliant on his guaranteed goals, Farnsworth’s figure of 0.38 comes as no surprise, unlike Kimberley’s 0.38 – an impressive figure for the “midget enforcer”.

Hawkins’ success ratio of just 0.17 has made some fans question whether he still has the heart to play division II football, having tasted life in the top flight. Other, somewhat wiser fans concede that his presence makes little or no impact on the team’s results.

Apostolov, Bell, Bonell and Stickland made 13 appearances between them, but the unfortunate quartet were on the losing side each time.

Legitimate, real-world transfer values

The season IV Apostrophes “dream team” – a dynamite ensemble with a combined value of almost €200,000,000.

€49,140,000 – Farnsworth
€46,080,000 – Hawkins
€37,250,000 – Hinceman
€35,130,000 – Kimberley
€29,240,000 – McInerney

Whilst Farnsworth and Hinceman’s values have remained consistently high, Hawkins, Kimberley and particularly McInerney have all experienced significant gains since last season.

Wessely’s value has fallen from last season’s Super A’s record of €52.62m to €16.42m – an inevitable consequence of his long-term shoulder injury.

Lissimore will be looking to better his €14.48m value next season; fans await his first violation with baited breath!

Season V objectives

Since the team’s formation, Sporting Apostrophes have been denied the success that is rightfully theirs:

• Season I – 8th
• Season II – 8th
• Season III – 7th
• Season IV – 8th

For season V to be considered a success, the Super A’s must surely aspire to achieve a record-breaking league position of at least 5th: the dizzy heights of mid-table mediocrity. Of course, this will very much depend on whether the team is demoted to division III.

“Farnsworth celebrates his remarkable double hat-trick”

Sporting Apostrophes’ season horribilis concluded with a tremendous game of football against old rivals U.B.O.C.

“Three points would have been the icing on the cake of bum chocolate that we’ve baked this season, but it wasn’t to be,” chairman Ernest Borgnine whispered carelessy ala George Michael, his melancholy testicles hanging from his trousers like a pair of mournful greengrocers waiting for a long-lost onion delivery. “The old yellow shirts did seem to make a difference, though, so it looks like we’ll be forced to extend the hand of friendship to our estranged sponsor Shaw Tyre & Exhaust Co.”

Looking positively ravishing in their famous yellow jerseys, the world’s favourite football team emerged from the tunnel and galloped forth onto the astroturf: Bell, the retiring Bonell, Farnsworth, Hawkins, Hinceman, Lissimore, McInerney; the combined luminosity of their golden torsos was enough to make the sun hang his head in shame.

To commemorate Bonell’s glittering Apostrophes career, fans unfurled a giant flag featuring Sweden’s greatest, all-time, tastiest heroes, with the midfield dynamo taking pride of place in the centre.

Fans, players and referees, overcome with emotion, wept openly as the match kicked off.

The first 10 minutes were closer than Rosie Gaines at a Glenn Close convention. The two teams battled, probed and prodded, ever searching for the infant Onion Moses, the first born violation. To the delight of fans, “terrorist” Farnsworth played midwife, caressing the ball into the net with a deft toe poke.

“We might just win this!” roared the partizan crowd somewhat prematurely, as the smell of onion enveloped the stadium.

Against the run of play and the will of General Zod, U.B.O.C. exploited the Super A’s trademark inability to defend, as the team were punished to the tune of four goals.

“Bumfinger!” the fans groaned in unison, as the Apostrophes retired to their changing complex at half time with a sizable deficit.

Sporting Apostrophes’ fortunes changed in the second half. The muscular defending from Lissimore; the precise passing from Bell and Bonell; Hinceman’s MMA; McInerney’s constructive pointing and shouting; Hawkins’ manflinging; Farnsworth’s incredible shooting power, contributing to his second double hat-trick of the season. All these factors almost delivered the victory fans craved, but Sporting’s valiant efforts were thwarted by a late goal from U.B.O.C. who took all 3 points with an unjust 7-6 victory.

With season IV finally over, Sporting Apostrophes fans (who are legion) are still waiting for their first Powerleague championship title. A terrible injustice!

Score: 6-7
Squad: Bell, Bonell, Farnsworth, Hawkins, Hinceman, Lissimore, McInerney.
Goals: Farnsworth (6).

FIXTURE CANCELLED! TO BE RESCHEDULED LATER IN THE SEASON.

2.20pm kick-off, Sunday 3rd May 2009 at Powerleague London City.
Please leave a comment indicating your availability for this unmissable Super A’s fixture.

“Sporting Apostrophes remonstrate with referee Dizzy Gillespie after he fails to deliver penalties promised. Left to right: Hawkins, McInerney, Lissimore, Gillespie (referee), Stickland, Hinceman.”

Sunday’s encounter with Real So So Bad resulted in yet another defeat for the Super A’s, extending their humiliating winless streak to a total of eight matches.

“This season has been a total write-off,” complained chairman Ernest Borgnine, his despondency clear from his enthusiasm for extracurricular pursuits. “It must be the blue shirts: sure, they’re breathable, but as such they don’t retain the scent of onion, the very essence of Mother Nature’s goalscoring goodness.”

A unique septet of footballing genii, the Apostrophes, like the fabled seven brothers, sought seven virginal, onion brides, ripe for violation. With Tina Turner’s “Simply The Best” blaring from the stadium tannoy, they appeared from the tunnel to rapturous applause from the capacity crowd.

Apostolov and McInerney led the pack, eager to build on their recent goalscoring exploits. Stickland joined them, making his sixteenth appearance for the world famous club: an impressive figure given for a player that has quaffed just twice at the fountain of victory. Hinceman and Lissimore followed, a few inches taller, a few pounds lighter respectively. Fresh from Telford Central, new signing Bell came next, leaving sheathmaster Hawkins to complete the “Magnificent Seven”.

Sporting Apostrophes kicked off the first half in a confident, almost nonchalant fashion, the promise of two penalties from referee Dizzy Gillespie the perfect motivator. The Super A’s assured play soon evaporated, however, as it became apparent that the new line-up deprived the team of its trademark mellifluousness.

“This is not football, it’s bogusball!” complained fans, frustrated at the team’s inability to make the Yorkshire Pudding rise.

The Apostrophes’ incoherent, disjointed play resulted in first blood for Real So So Bad, as another embarrassing capitulation seemed as inevitable as income tax.

“Two, four, six, eight, our penalties are Terry Waite!” sang the crowd, enraged by Gillespie’s reluctance to deliver the penalties he had guaranteed, having sworn on the life of Stephen Hawking and the Ghost of Christopher Reeve.

With chances in short supply and the penalty spot a sad, unloved, lonely place of broken promises, the Super A’s second half harvest was certainly no festival. Inadequate defending; the dearth of opportunities; the “let’s see if I can beat my man on the edge of my own box” trickery: the team’s failings were as unsightly as they were innumerable. A debut onion bag violation from Bell was the only highlight of what proved to be a torrid day for the Apostrophes, who languish at the bottom of division II with just one game remaining.

Sporting Apostrophes fourth season has been an unqualified disaster, and, with a team divided by shirt colour, the prognosis is bleaker than a Christmas in Birmingham. A terrible injustice!

Score: 1-7
Squad: Apostolov, Bell, Hawkins, Hinceman, Lissimore, McInerney, Stickland.
Goals: Bell (1).

2.20pm kick-off, Sunday 26th April 2009 at Powerleague London City.

Please leave a comment indicating your availability for this unmissable Super A’s fixture.

2.20pm kick-off, Sunday 19th January 2009 at Powerleague London City.

Please leave a comment indicating your availability for this unmissable Super A’s fixture.

“Hawkins’ sheathed displays have made him a transfer target”

Super Sunday proved to be less than super for the Super A’s, who supped at the soup of defeat for their supper, Green Park the maître d’.

“What were we supposed to do?” protested Ernest Borgnine, his nostrils flaring with rage. “They had hundreds of players – hundreds! With just four legends fit and available we were always going to struggle, and didn’t we just!”

The Super A’s, weary from their molestation at the hands of Team Wang, fielded the same line-up for Super Sunday, part deux.

“Witness the fitness!” chanted the fans, amazed at the spectacle of five grown men willing to participate in physical activity for more than an hour.

Hawkins, having made an awe-inspiring, winning cameo appearance for division I relegation candidates Lethal Bum, was singled out for additional praise by fans in the Grammar End:

“He’s taaaalllll….
an albino aaaape…
his hands are made…. of Sellotape
Haww..kiiinnnssss….
Haww..kiiinnnssss….”

Blessed as Diana and the Ghost of Christopher Reeve, a youthful Spike Lee was delirious with joy at the prospect of witnessing more Apostrophes magic at close-hand, as he blew his whistle to proceed with the ripening of the banana.

Sporting Apostrophes’ hopes of an improbable victory were soon dashed by Green Park, as their innumerable army of players ran riot, chasing the sphere, poking it, stabbing it like a Hackney schoolboy. The banana was a rich mustard colour by the time Sporting tasted onion, courtesy of the ageless McInerney, who scored his second brace of the day.

With the blackened banana weeping its innards onto the astroturf, Apostolov added a consolation violation, but the sphincter-tearing, grenade-like suppository of defeat was once again thrust into the Apostrophes, who suffered their seventh successive defeat.

With just two matches remaining in season IV, Sporting Apostrophes remain rooted to the foot of division II. A terrible injustice!

Score: 4-13
Squad: Apostolov, Hawkins, Hinceman, Kimberley, McInerney.
Goals: Apostolov (1), McInerney (2) + one one goal.

“Kimberley, McInerney and Hinceman deploy their famous goal celebration dubbed ‘touch no evil, smell some evil, pray for evil’. It’s origins can be traced back to the Godless ‘Onion Ages’.”

Like the primal scream of a motherless Aborigine, Sporting Apostrophes’ anguish pierced the hearts of despondent fans, as the team fell to their sixth successive defeat in Sunday’s encounter with Team Wang.

“We’re like a snowman in the desert – nothing but carrot and coal” opined chairman Ernest Borgnine, following yet another Super A’s mauling. “With a sponsor in liquidation and a threadbare squad divided by the colours blue and yellow, one can’t help but wonder whether we’ll make it to season V.”

A predictably slimline Sporting Apostrophes line-up took to the field, the smell of substitutes as distant and intangible as a spider’s fart. McInerney returned for his third consecutive appearance, along with Hinceman, making his landmark 25th appearance for the world famous club. The long-suffering Hawkins and Kimberley soon followed, joined by loan signing Apostolov, eager to demonstrate his Bulgarian flair to the capacity crowd.

New referee Spike Lee was tasked with officiating a “Super A’s Classico” on his debut: an incredible privilege, an unforgettable experience that will surely last a lifetime. His nerves were evident by his preoccupation with untied laces, and his curious assertion that one must blow for head height lower than a midget’s pubes, but these minor details could not detract from his youthful, whistle-blowing exuberance.

The first slice was removed from the oven prematurely, as the Super A’s found themselves choking on enemy onion after just five minutes.

“Please, we implore you, take the game to them!” cried the impatient fans.

Sporting Apostrophes’ unfamiliar ingredients made for an uncomfortable ensemble, and, with no condiments, relish was in short supply, leaving the team trailing by four goals at half time.

The second slice was more mature, more flavoursome, but still, the fans’ appetite for onion was not satiated adequately. A tidy brace from McInerney and a few well executed fouls from Hinceman were the only cause for muted celebration, progressing to covert onanism, as referee Spike Lee brought the game to its inevitable conclusion with the Apostrophes trailing 8-2.

The Super A’s languish at the bottom of division II, their promotion campaign in ruins. A terrible injustice!

Score: 2-8
Squad: Apostolov, Hawkins, Hinceman, Kimberley, McInerney.
Goals: McInerney (2).