2.20pm kick-off, Sunday 4th October 2009 at Powerleague London City.
Please leave a comment indicating your availability for this unmissable Super A’s fixture.
Once availability is confirmed a squad of 7 will be selected. Should there be 8 or more players available, “management” reserve the right to rotate squad members.
“The Super A’s talk tactics and male grooming during a break in play. Left to right: Farnsworth, Stickland, Wessely, Hawkins, Pacheco, Kimberley.”
For the first time in their history, Sporting Apostrophes sit at the top of the division II table, following a narrow victory against promotion rivals Green Park.
“Jesus on a moped! What a fantastic encounter!” said a jubilant Ernest Borgnine, intoxicated by the magnificence of the affair. “They’re a quality side: this is the first time we’ve beaten them in six attempts, a year and a day from our first encounter. The boys dug deeper than a deep Douglas, you dig?”
Sunday’s match was preceded by the official launch of the new Sporting Apostrophes team strip. The city of London came to a standstill as hundreds of thousands of real, legitimate fans gathered to witness the world’s favourite team in their vibrant yellow shirts.
“Och aye! I cannae believe their embroidered badges!” commented one goatee-wearing player from One Flew Into The Keepers Net, foaming at the mouth through either envy or drunkenness.
As a special treat for the assembled throng, the Apostrophes players performed a sterling rendition of Gary Glitter’s “It’s Good To Be Back”, substituting the word “hello” with “yellow” throughout. Wessely led the chorus, marking his 30th appearance for the Apostrophes, against the same opponents he faced on this debut. Farnsworth and Correa added percussion, the two free-scoring players vying for the coveted brown plimsole in season Vi. Kimberley added much needed baritone to the equation from his squat, powerful frame, supported by Hawkins on human beatbox. Pacheo’s triangle added some pleasing but unnecessary magic to the composition, as Stickland performed a maudlin mime piece, his 19 competitive hours without a goal having left him mute and delirious.
Green Park kicked off the first half in confident mood, stroking the onion with much passion, coveting it like a fat man at an all-you-can-eat buffet. Their efforts soon came to fruition, as their forward line scythed through the Apostrophes with scant resistance, leading to the first violation. Three more arrived in rapid succession, leaving the Super A’s shocked as though raw onion had been rub-a-dub-dubbed into each of their fourteen eyes.
“Detta är struntprat! Var är löken?” raged Apostrophes legend Bonell, unable to contain his frustration. (The Swede, seated in the Royal Box with the prawn sandwich brigade, never faced Green Park during his illustrious career).
Sporting Apostrophes, wounded like a wounded animal, wounded by bleach, hit with sticks, then set on fire, then eaten by pirates, felt the weight of the injustice on each and every one of their fourteen shoulders. Farnsworth and Pacheco made amends to some degree with unstoppable cannons and tippy-tappy sex-shots respectively, but it wasn’t enough to stop the team ending the half in the toilet labelled “hermaphrodite”.
After such a disappointing starter, the main course required digestion and meat-factor. Wessely and Correa ran tirelessly, supported by a tiring, tired Kimberley. Stickland sought the unachievable spring onion, leaving Hawkins to the man-flinging, with the forward pairing of Farnsworth and Pacheco delivering punishment up top. A titanic effort by “the magnificent seven” brought the score to 7-apiece, before the Apostrophes grabbed the winner with just seconds to spare. Green Park chased an equaliser to the death, but their efforts were denied by a resilient Hawkins, leaving the Apostrophes to clinch a slender 8-7 victory.
Sporting Apostrophes’ improbable assault on the division II title continues apace, astonishing fans and bookies alike. A terrible injustice!
Score: 8-7
Squad: Correa, Farnsworth, Hawkins, Kimberley, Pacheco, Stickland, Wessely.
Goals: Farnsworth (4), Pacheco (4).
3.40pm kick-off, Sunday 27th September 2009 at Powerleague London City.
Please leave a comment indicating your availability for this unmissable Super A’s fixture.
Once availability is confirmed a squad of 7 will be selected. Should there be 8 or more players available, “management” reserve the right to rotate squad members.
“The boardroom whiteboard is a thought-shower wet dream”
Sporting Apostrophes have announced, somewhat belatedly, their squad numbers for the coming season:
1. Hawkins
2. Hinceman
3. Wessely
4. Lissimore
5. Correa
6. Bell
7. Turner
8. Hannigan-Daley
9. Farnsworth
10. Pacheco
11. Kimberley
15. Stickland
“Gillespie sin-bins Pacheco without even looking at him, demonstrating his superior refereeing powers”
Sporting Apostrophes winning start to season VI continued with a hard-earned victory against old rivals Team Wang.
“It could have gone either way, but the yellows dug deep to claim the three points,” remarked chairman Ernest Borgnine, perspiration rolling down his forehead, such was the excitement and drama of the spectacle. “That’s now three wins on the bounce – a new club record that we’re justifiably proud of.”
The drama unfolded before the game had even begun, as the Super A’s started the match with just four players. “terrorist” Farnsworth, Hawkins, Kimberley and Pacheco played a low-tempo cautionball, as they waited anxiously for reinforcements. Despite their numerical disadvantage, Kimberley poked home a sweet drive, the culmination of a lengthy period of possession for the Apostrophes.
A shadow fell upon the stadium and the temperature plummeted, as the sun disappeared, blocked out by the sudden presence of Hinceman.
“He’s such a tardy Yank!” cried the fans, as the “beast from Baltimore” waited patiently for a break in play so as to join the melee.
The American made his presence felt immediately, helping the Apostrophes to a 2-0 lead, courtesy of some delicious sexball from Pacheco. Fans expected and hoped for a torrent of goals, but Team Wang fought back, the equaliser coming by way of a nutmeg flavoured Hawkins doughnut. Sporting Apostrophes fell behind, before Hinceman levelled the scores on the stroke of half time.
The Super A’s kicked off the second half, tired, but determined to take the spoils of onion war. Farnsworth’s appetite was demonstrated by his eagerness to take free kicks, regardless of which team they were awarded to. “Johnny come lately” Hinceman endeared himself to the fans with two sweetly taken touchdowns, completing his first hat-trick for the Apostrophes, as the game started to turn ugly with the score at 5-apiece.
“You are rubbish – I am brilliant!” said Pacheco, chastising his opposite number and receiving much the same in return. Handbags flailed, words were exchanged, and Pacheco was given his marching orders by referee Dizzy Gillespie.
“It must be the right decision, he’s the best ref in the league, probably the world,” agreed the fans. “He so good, he can officiate whilst talking to people on the sidelines and not even looking. Incredible!”
A man down and with full-time looming, Sporting Apostrophes fans feared the worst, until Farnsworth knocked in the winner, elevating the crowd into a state of uncontrollable, Ghost of Princess Diana ecstasy.
“Toot!” went Gillespie’s whistle, leaving the jubilant yellows to celebrate a narrow victory in front of die-hard fans in the Grammar End.
Season VI continues to excite fans and pundits alike, as the Super A’s battle for promotion gains momentum, though the privilege of leading the table is given to Green Park on goal difference. A terrible injustice!
Score: 6-5
Squad: Farnsworth, Hawkins, Hinceman, Kimberley, Pacheco.
Goals: Hinceman (3), Farnsworth (1), Kimberley (1), Pacheco (1).
“A bagged up 15 shirt – a replica Stickland, one of tens of thousands ready for shipping”
The brand new Sporting Apostrophes kit is finally ready for shipping, after months of hard work in the club’s forced labour facility.
“The kids in the sweatshop are the best that money can buy,” chairman Ernest Borgnine told the gathered throng. “Bless, it’s so sweet to see the tears in their eyes as they sew stitch after stitch on their 60-hour shifts. Tears of enthusiasm, as they love this club so much.”
The Super A’s will be officially launching their new strip next Sunday prior to the match against Green Park. To celebrate the occasion, the following entertainment will be provided by Powerleague:
N.B. Asterisk denotes fictional entertainment.
3pm kick-off, Sunday 20th September 2009 at Powerleague London City.
Please leave a comment indicating your availability for this unmissable Super A’s fixture.
Once availability is confirmed a squad of 7 will be selected. Should there be 8 or more players available, “management” reserve the right to rotate squad members.
“Farnsworth opens his season VI account with an impressive strike”
The Apostrophes kicked off their historic sixth season in great style, overcoming opponents VJJ in a thrilling 6-4 victory.
“That’s the way to do it!” exclaimed chairman Ernest Borgnine, aping Mr. Punch. “Our rigorous preseason, conducted in just seven days, has transformed the team beyond recognition. It’s astonishing: reminiscent of Bill Bixby’s transformation into Lou Ferrigno’s Hulk. Their hard work has reaped dividends, but it’s the intensive diet programme that’s paramount: quiche for the defenders, onions for the boys up top, with the lads in the middle on the black pudding.”
Match highlights include: Hannigan-Daley’s third consecutive 5-goal haul, making 20 goals in just 5 appearances; “guarantee” Farnsworth’s inevitable strike; meat-based hula hoop from the midfield trio of Correa, Turner, Wessely; the return of matador Pacheco; Stickland’s handsheath left and rightery.
Sporting Apostrophes open season VI with an impressive victory, but are denied the privilege of leading the table due to Green Park’s superior number of onions peeled. A terrible injustice!
Score: 6-4
Squad: Correa, Farnsworth, Hannigan-Daley, Pacheco, Stickland, Turner, Wessely.
Goals: Hannigan-Daley (5), Farnsworth (1).
“Pacheco, the Apostrophes’ most valuable player of season V, uses his finger as a flagpole, an ancient Portuguese tradition to commemorate the country’s best ever Eurovision finish, 6th place in 1996”
Overview
Sporting Apostrophes’ fifth season is worthy of much celebration, perhaps even a token congratulatory masturbation. The team’s record-breaking 6th place finish, with a goal difference of just minus 2, is an incredible achievement given the previous season’s heartbreak. New signings Correa, Hannigan-Daley and Pacheco added much-needed goals to the Apostrophes omelette, after too many matches where “terrorist” Farnsworth was the only realistic harvester of onion.
Stickland can boast the best season of his career, despite his 26-match goal famine. His granite, do-or-die defending has been blessed by the two-touch fairy, adding a much-needed sex touch to his onionball.
Hawkins’ handsheath wizardry contributed to the yellows conceding just 5.18 goals per game, a new record for the Apostrophes. Hawkins’ feat is made more remarkable by Hinceman’s absenteeism: the “beast from Baltimore” has suffered a sequence of vacation injuries which have blighted his season, leaving the team to rue the absence of his stoic defensive displays.
Kimberley made a valuable contribution in the middle of the park. “juryman” Bell tolled too, albeit exclusively on the wings.
Midfield maestros Turner and Wessely experienced fair-to-middling seasons. Their tireless running added relish to the Super A’s kebab, but they both suffered from ill-calibrated onion compasses, returning just 3 goals between them.
Lissimore’s season was cut short by injury, a broken toe suffered against VJJ back in May.
In stark contrast to last season, Super A’s fans have much to look forward to as season VI begins. With a fantastic new kit just days away and the best fans in the league, only a fool would bet against the Apostrophes conquering all comers.
Best Performance
Sporting Apostrophes’ final game of season V, the 12-10 victory against division II champions 5IVE, was arguably the match of the season, a veritable onion jamboree of Technicolor sexball.
Worst Performance
The 1-9 reverse anal demolition at the hands of old rivals Green Park was a low point that the team will be keen to forget.
Goal scorers
Correa’s haul of 18 goals in 13 matches made him the season’s top scorer, with a very respectable goals-per-game average of 1.38.
Canadian Hannigan-Daley chalked up an outrageous 15 goals in just 4 appearances, a total of 3.75 goals per game. Apostrophes fans, whilst delighted with his abundance of violations, remain infuriated with his unnecessarily long name, which has doubled the cost of a replica shirt featuring his moniker.
Farnsworth and Pacheco each delivered 13 goals; a disappointing haul for the former, as the Apostrophes’ all-time top scorer on 69 goals. Farnsworth‘s tally was hindered by his mortal fear of the penalty spot.
McInerney failed to hit the target in his solitary appearance for the yellows: a disappointing end to his glittering (some might say steaming) career.
“never score” Lissimore and Stickland both achieved a combined total of none, nothing, zero, increasing their odds of scoring at the bookies to 250-1.
Man-of-the-Match awards
New signing Pacheco won the coveted man-of-the-match gong on 6 occasions, equalling Hinceman’s Sporting Apostrophes record in the process. Incredibly, Pacheco was the standout player in every one of his first 5 matches. However, with just 1 award in his last 6 appearances in a yellow shirt, fans wonder whether the Portuguese wonder is rationing his sexball.
Correa, Hawkins and Stickland each achieved greatness 3 times, followed closely by Bell and Hannigan-Daley on 2 apiece, the latter in just 4 appearances.
Despite scoring 13 goals, “guarantee” Farnsworth was deemed unworthy of the accolade in any of his 8 appearances.
Disciplinary record
Wessely chalked up his first yellow card since season II. Portuguese gentleman Pacheco was unlucky to receive an unjust warning thanks to some unsporting behaviour (some might say downright cheating) by Flat Back Four.
Appearances
Congratulations to Correa and Stickland who set a new Sporting Apostrophes record with 13 appearances apiece.
Hawkins donned sheathes 12 times, equalling his personal best, the previous Apostrophes record.
Kimberley and Pacheco both wore the famous yellow jersey on 11 occasions: a personal best for the former, an impressive debut season for the latter.
Sporting Apostrophes welcomed 3 new signings in season V: Correa, Hannigan-Daley and Pacheco.
Super A’s legend McInerney was released from his multi-million contract, having reached the grand old age of 35. The goal-a-game striker remains a free agent, leaving fans hoping he might deliver his unique brand of “stationary pain” once again.
Success ratio
(wins+draws) ÷ appearances = Success Ratio
Hannigan-Daley and Lissimore are both able to boast a maximum success ration of 1.0, with neither player being on the losing side in season V. The remainder of the squad all achieve respectable figures in the region of 0.54 (Stickland) to 0.33 (Turner), leaving Wessely (0.29), Farnsworth (0.25) and finally McInerney (0.0) at the foot of the table.
Value per victory
(value/appearances) * wins = Value Per Victory
Most fans agree that the V.P.V. (value per victory) figure is the “real deal” – the key identifier of a player’s contribution, the likelihood he has of supping from the victory flask at the final whistle.
€29.53m – Hannigan-Daley
€25.48m – Pacheco
€20.69m – Stickland
€19.75m – Correa
Hannigan-Daley’s irrepressible, single-minded love for onion has resulted in him being on the winning side in each of his 4 appearances, clearly demonstrating how much tastier the recipe can be with a dollop of maple syrup. Pacheco’s sexball, combined with Correa’s driving, amphetamine performances have shown that they too can make the difference. Defying age and mother nature, Stickland‘s career-defining season has been a genuine delight, following a number of indifferent campaigns.
Legitimate, real-world transfer values
Sporting Apostrophes’ most valuable players during season V:
€56.06m – Pacheco
€51.34m – Correa
€38.34m – Stickland
€36.40m – Hawkins
€29.53m – Hannigan-Daley
Pacheco breaks the €50m bracket, setting a new Sporting Apostrophes record in the process, beating Wessely’s season III best of €52m. New signings Correa and Hannigan-Daley enter the top 5: an impressive first-season achievement. Handsheath exponent Hawkins proves the theory that goalkeepers depreciate slowly, like a pungent cheese, or perhaps a helicopter.
Stickland’s sensational season is capped with an incredible €38m value; a sizable increase on his previous suggested retail price of just €14m.
Farnsworth’s value has halved as the goals have dried up; Hinceman has also seen a dramatic reduction in his value.
McInerney‘s €4m valuation is just 10% of his season II value, clearly demonstrating the speed at which athletes deteriorate.
Season VI objectives
Sporting Apostrophes’ 6th place finish is a new record:
Last season’s prediction of a top 5 finish proved to be not far off the mark. Progress demands that the famous yellows must look towards the promised land of a promotion finish.
1.40pm kick-off, Sunday 13th September 2009 at Powerleague London City.
Please leave a comment indicating your availability for this unmissable Super A’s fixture.
Once availability is confirmed a squad of 7 will be selected. Should there be 8 or more players available, “management” reserve the right to rotate squad members.
Borgnine hands McInerney the coveted Minimal Contribution trophy, awarded to the season’s least valuable player
Powerleague London City have confirmed that the following 8 teams will be lining up for the new season starting next Sunday:
El Paso
Flat Back Four
Green Park
Minety
Sporting Apostrophes
Team Wang
U.B.O.C.
VJJ
Relegated El Paso must be considered early favourites for the division II title, followed closely by Flat Back Four, who narrowly missed out on promotion last season. VJJ are something of an unknown quantity: their recent results suggest they could well be the dark horse of the division. Old rivals Green Park and Minety seem destined for a mid-table dogfight, with perennial strugglers U.B.O.C. and Team Wang propping up the table. If there is any justice in this world, Sporting Apostrophes, as the world’s greatest football team, will hold aloft the championship trophy at the end of the season.
Please leave a comment, outlining your prediction for this season. Predictions from non-Sporting Apostrophes players are especially welcome!
Hannigan-Daley celebrates his fifth goal with a traditional Canadian man-flip
An onion hailstorm of Biblical proportions swept Powerleague London City, as Sporting Apostrophes defeated division II champions 5IVE in an astonishing 22-goal thriller.
“That’s the most we’ve ever scored – what a fantastic way to end the season!” exclaimed a delighted Ernest Borgnine at the post match press conference. “Let this be a warning to our division II rivals: Sporting Apostrophes’ assault on the division II crown will begin in earnest next week.”
Sporting Apostrophes boasted a compact, attack-minded line-up for their final match of season V. With the exception of handsheath exponent Hawkins, tending goal, and Stickland, on a tortuous, 25-match onion famine, the Super A’s team sheet promised violations in abundance, headed by the fearsome, onion-hunting trident of Correa, Farnsworth and Hannigan-Daley.
Fans were aghast to see Apostrophes legend Kimberley lining up for opponents 5IVE. With transfer deadline day fast approaching, rumours of an extended loan deal for the team’s “albino Essien” swept the stadium.
“You meaty rotter! You beef traitor!” they cried, with some justification.
The first slice was served piping hot, as Hannigan-Daley drew first blood. Another violation soon followed, as the Apostrophes, rooted in sixth position regardless of the day’s result, played without inhibition, delivering a new and exciting sexball unknown to mere mortals.
“We’ll hammer them! Easy! Easy!” the hopelessly optimistic fans roared.
As inevitable as death and taxes, the Apostrophes collapse was as spectacular as it was demoralising. A wretched, half-baked performance by Hawkins, combined with some unorthodox defending by his brothers in arms, led to a flurry of goals for the enemy. The stadium JumboTron read 3-8 when referee Chris Griffin, pitying the world’s favourite team, blew his whistle of mercy to signify the end of the first born doughnut.
When the chips are down and the syndrome is rife, Sporting Apostrophes’ steely determination is usually found wanting, but the players refused to lie face down sans trousers. A flurry of violations from the team’s irrepressible forward line brought fear to the champions, as the ghost of Princess Diana might scare a vulnerable orphan. Fans whooped like a spastic Tarzan as the Apostrophes’ endeavours levelled the scores at 10-apiece, when suddenly, with the final seconds of the game remaining, two beautiful, blessed, new born onions were delivered by the sweetest of vegetable C-sections, making the the final score 12-10.
The final whistle brought an end to the Apostrophes’ record-breaking match, a fitting end to their historic fifth season. As season VI looms on the horizon, the stench of onwards and upwardness permeates every synthetic fibre like a potent, flammable, terrorist fart. A terrible injustice!
Score: 12-10
Squad: Correa, Farnsworth, Hannigan-Daley, Hawkins, Stickland.
Goals: Hannigan-Daley (5), Farnsworth (4), Correa (3).