Sporting Apostrophes

“Farnsworth celebrates his remarkable double hat-trick”

Sporting Apostrophes’ season horribilis concluded with a tremendous game of football against old rivals U.B.O.C.

“Three points would have been the icing on the cake of bum chocolate that we’ve baked this season, but it wasn’t to be,” chairman Ernest Borgnine whispered carelessy ala George Michael, his melancholy testicles hanging from his trousers like a pair of mournful greengrocers waiting for a long-lost onion delivery. “The old yellow shirts did seem to make a difference, though, so it looks like we’ll be forced to extend the hand of friendship to our estranged sponsor Shaw Tyre & Exhaust Co.”

Looking positively ravishing in their famous yellow jerseys, the world’s favourite football team emerged from the tunnel and galloped forth onto the astroturf: Bell, the retiring Bonell, Farnsworth, Hawkins, Hinceman, Lissimore, McInerney; the combined luminosity of their golden torsos was enough to make the sun hang his head in shame.

To commemorate Bonell’s glittering Apostrophes career, fans unfurled a giant flag featuring Sweden’s greatest, all-time, tastiest heroes, with the midfield dynamo taking pride of place in the centre.

Fans, players and referees, overcome with emotion, wept openly as the match kicked off.

The first 10 minutes were closer than Rosie Gaines at a Glenn Close convention. The two teams battled, probed and prodded, ever searching for the infant Onion Moses, the first born violation. To the delight of fans, “terrorist” Farnsworth played midwife, caressing the ball into the net with a deft toe poke.

“We might just win this!” roared the partizan crowd somewhat prematurely, as the smell of onion enveloped the stadium.

Against the run of play and the will of General Zod, U.B.O.C. exploited the Super A’s trademark inability to defend, as the team were punished to the tune of four goals.

“Bumfinger!” the fans groaned in unison, as the Apostrophes retired to their changing complex at half time with a sizable deficit.

Sporting Apostrophes’ fortunes changed in the second half. The muscular defending from Lissimore; the precise passing from Bell and Bonell; Hinceman’s MMA; McInerney’s constructive pointing and shouting; Hawkins’ manflinging; Farnsworth’s incredible shooting power, contributing to his second double hat-trick of the season. All these factors almost delivered the victory fans craved, but Sporting’s valiant efforts were thwarted by a late goal from U.B.O.C. who took all 3 points with an unjust 7-6 victory.

With season IV finally over, Sporting Apostrophes fans (who are legion) are still waiting for their first Powerleague championship title. A terrible injustice!

Score: 6-7
Squad: Bell, Bonell, Farnsworth, Hawkins, Hinceman, Lissimore, McInerney.
Goals: Farnsworth (6).