Sporting Apostrophes

“The team congratulate Farnsworth on his quintuple violation”

Yesterday’s “Super Sunday” fixture against table-toppers El Paso resulted in a magnificent 8-1 victory for the Apostrophes.

“We didn’t just beat them, we thrashed them!” wept chairman Ernest Borgnine, unable to contain his enthusiasm despite being naked from the waist down. “We took them to school, gave them detention and beat them savagely with a child-stick to near death!”

With “static” McInerney and Kimberley unavailable for selection, the Super A’s fielded a youthful side somewhat reminiscent of Arsenal’s pre-pubescent Carling Cup prodigies, only much, much better. With an average age of just 30, quick-witted fans christened them Borgnine’s Babes, to the delight of players and fans alike.

Hawkins and Turner made a welcome return to the team, the former following his hand sheath seminar in Berlin, the latter having rejected Fulham’s advances after last week’s controversial trial. The pair were joined by “guarantee” Farnsworth, his insatiable appetite for goals making him delirious, his mouth foaming with saliva like a rabid dog. Lissimore assumed sweeper duties, with Wessely providing pace in midfield. The in-form Hinceman completed the line-up, eager to build upon his consecutive man-of-the-match performances.

Whistle-happy referee Morgan Tsvangirai was welcomed by a chorus of boos as the first half commenced, his suspect decisions incurring the wrath of the Apostrophes faithful. Within a matter of seconds, he pursed his angry lips and blew, enraging the partizan crowd.

“You’re a rotter, how on earth does that contravene football rules?” one fan shouted, displaying a gentlemanly restraint so typical of fans seated in the non-fictional Grammar End.

The Super A’s, mindful of the referee’s innumerable inadequacies, exercised caution in their challenges, but still played their unique brand of “total football” in defiance of his dubious officiation skills. With passing so beautiful and humbling in its excellence an albino would turn midnight black, a flurry of onion bag violations was sure to follow, and so it came to pass. The incredible power of “guarantee” Farnsworth’s shot reaped dividends in spades, Wessely’s pinpoint accuracy it’s perfect foil.

Sporting Apostrophes’ virile attacking tsunami was supported by a granite defense, courtesy of Lissimore and Hinceman, with hand sheath exponent Hawkins’ saves bringing anal gasps of excitement from the capacity crowd. The first half concluded with the team four goals to the good, despite Turner’s brief sojourn to the dreaded sin bin.

Determined not to throw away a convincing lead, the Apostrophes delivered more delicious, oven-baked football in the second half. Wessely completed his second hat-trick of the season, whilst Farnsworth’s punishment tally ran to an incredible, record-breaking five goals. Turner, Lissimore and Hinceman were unfortunate to not add to the Apostrophes impressive haul, the woodwork denying them on a number of occasions.

El Paso responded with a solitary onion bag violation, but it was the merest faecal pebble of comfort for a team thoroughly humbled by a display of supreme footballing dominance.

Sporting Apostrophes lie 5th in the table thanks to inferior goal difference, despite their superior athleticism and Hollywood good looks. A terrible injustice!

Score: 8-1
Squad: Farnsworth, Hawkins, Hinceman, Lissimore, Turner, Wessely.
Goals: Farnsworth (5), Wessely (3).