Match report: Sporting Apostrophes vs Los Diablos
“Mugabe lays down the law as Farnsworth, aided by Hawkins, ridicules his 1″ Hitler ‘tache”
Sporting Apostrophes tasted defeat once again in yesterday’s memorable encounter with bitter rivals Los Diablos.
“We’re genuinely competing at this level now which surely makes us hot favourites for the Division II title at Liverpool Street,” enthused chairman Ernest Borgnine. “I expect a great deal from the boys next season – commitment, goals, passion, sex, enema and badger.”
The Super A’s appeared to rapturous applause, the fans showing their appreciation for the free-scoring Farnsworth, returning from promotional duties in the north east, and Lissimore, fully recuperated from his his broken toe. The pair were soon followed by Wessely, keen to build on his impressive debut performance, and McInerney, whose escalating transfer value is the topic du jour.
“Over €40million for a player on the brink of retirement, maybe even death by natural causes, is outrageous!” opined one season ticket holder before the Super A’s “classico” kicked off. “You cannae argue with the man’s goals, though, he loves the onion bag more than his own flesh and blood” commented another.
Kimberley and Hawkins soon joined the team’s calisthenics “Work Out n’ Warm Up” routine, to the amazement of the genuine, real life crowd. With the Apostrophes having achieved maximum flexibility and a zen-like mental state, referee Mugabe pursed his lips and blew his solid ivory whistle to signify the commencement of the first half.
From the outset, it was evident that there was no love lost between the Apostrophes and Los Diablos, winners of the “Most Irritating Team” award for the third consecutive season. Amid the shirt-pulling and shoving, Farnsworth, reliable as ever, found space to create the first goal, to the delight of the innumerable fans seated in the non-fictional Grammar End. Los Diablos pegged the score back to one apiece, but Kimberley replied with a rare shot on target to restore the Apostrophes lead.
The Super A’s, looking more tired than usual, were unable to defend their slim advantage for long: the team retired to the opulent luxury of their changing rooms a goal down, to the dismay of the capacity crowd.
Hawkins, making a rare outfield appearance, passed the hand sheathes to Lissimore as the second half kicked off, the Apostrophes keen to avenge their sullied onion bag. Inevitably, their thirst for vengeance boiled over into angry exchanges with Los Diablos. The abundance of cursing and handbags soon incurred the wrath of Mugabe.
“Cease this nonsense! Not on my watch!” he screamed, his face turned plum-black with rage.
Farnsworth and Wessely bore the brunt of his fury, the former consigned to the sin-bin, the latter sent to the stands for the remainder of the match.
With Hawkins and McInerney the only remaining outfield players, and Kimberley fast asleep in the dugout, the odds were stacked against a famous victory for the yellows. Los Diablos peppered the Apostrophes goal with shots, making full use of their numerical advantage, but Lissimore put in an inspired performance to deny them the opportunity to feast at the temple of onion.
Against the run of play, Hawkins hammered a beastly shot past the hapless opposing hand sheath exponent, following a delightful one-two-how’s-your-father with McInerney. Fans roared their approval as he added another, an entirely deliberate rebound off the ad hoarding.
“He loves sheathes AND onion!” cried the fans, astounded that a hand sheath enthusiast could inflict such punishment.
The yellows pushed forward as Farnsworth, back from the sin bin, and Kimberley, awake and fully conscious, sought to add to the Apostrophes tally. Unfortunately, Los Diablos punished them via a series of counter attacks, taking full advantage of their opponents’ inferior stamina and numerical deficiency.
“Enough!” roared Mugabe as he blew the final whistle, using his mouth for speech and his anus for whistle power.
Exhausted and dejected, Sporting Apostrophes trudged off the field, cursing their luck, Mugabe and the ghost of Christopher Reeve, all of whom had abandoned them in their hour of need.
As the final game of the season approaches, Sporting Apostrophes appear destined to finish in the bottom two of Division I. A terrible injustice!
Score: 4-7
Squad: Farnsworth, Hawkins, Kimberley, Lissimore, McInerney, Wessely.
Goals: Farnsworth (1), Hawkins (2), Kimberley (1).
