Match report: Sporting Apostrophes vs Ocean 11
The stars thrill the crowd with their unique brand of “total football”
The Super A’s introduction to Division I football ended in a humiliating 14-1 reverse against Ocean 11 yesterday, to the dismay of the capacity crowd.
“It was like giving a Thalidomide boychild a Chinese burn” wept chairman Ernest Borgnine. “It was a painful result that brings great shame upon our beloved sponsor Shaw Tyre & Exhaust Co.”
A galaxy of stars turned out for the Apostrophes, every one a favourite of the genuine, loyal supporters in the sell-out crowd. “The Wall” McInerney adopted his usual defensive position, guarding the integrity of Hawkins, once again donning the five-fingered mansheathes. Kimberley and Bocchi took responsibility for offensive duties, supplied by an energetic Bonell.
The Super A’s were put to the sword from the first whistle. Ocean 11’s superior passing, shooting, running, fitness, ball control, positional sense, footwear, looks, muscles, skills and mantrickery proved too much. Despite Hawkins’ best efforts, the goal was deflowered within minutes.
The Apostrophes tried to respond with some vintage route one football to no avail, as the goals continued to fly in from all angles. Exhausted, dejected and six-nil down, the team retired to the hot tub at half time to discuss tactics.
The second half proved no better than the first for the mighty Super A’s. A reshuffled line-up saw McInerney and Bocchi switch positions in an attempt to generate more chances, but the triple-glazed window of opportunity was firmly sealed and shuttered, its handle broken off. Bonell and McInerney ventured bravely into Ocean 11’s half seeking some small crumb of footballing comfort; tragically, they received nothing but bitter, faecal crumbs of despair at the departure lounge.
With seconds of the match remaining, McInerney “pounced” to score a consolation goal for Sporting Apostrophes, but it was too little too late, the final score being 14-1 to Ocean 11.
Sporting Apostrophes start their first season in division one at the foot of the table. A terrible injustice!
Score: 1-14
Squad: Bocchi J, Bonell, Hawkins, Kimberley, McInerney.
Goals: McInerney (1).
Bonusotography
Number 11 Kimberley warms up his wayward right foot
Number 9 McInerney punts the ball into orbit
What speaks silent volumes is that, when called upon for a statement, our chairman was not stroking his glans. Normally he can’t leave the thing along. I hope it hasn’t, as all of us will have been warned in youth might happen, fallen off.
I don’t know what the proper floral tribute is for a severed member.
The chairman’s glans, foreskin and surrounding tissue is being used to create leather wallets for the team. That’s what I call dedication!
I hear his foreskin is as tough and durable as a Shaw’s tyre.
And that his love-trumpet is as twisty and broad as a Shaw’s exhaust.
But you know what rumours are….
You both sicken me.