Sporting Apostrophes

“The fans are like Queen: they want it all and they want it now”

The Super A’s were thrashed ten-nil by Unsung Heroes yesterday, marking a new low for the world famous club.

“We passed the ball about nicely enough” explained chairman Ernest Borgnine. “The only things we lack are tactical nous, fitness, skill, concentration and the sheer will to win. Our beloved sponsor Shaw Tyre & Exhaust Co will be displeased with this result, but I’m sure they’ll acknowledge that the team is moving forward in a very tough division.”

The Apostrophes sported a familiar line-up with the addition of new signing Hinceman, whose $10 million transfer from Baltimore’s Crystal Palace F.C. was completed late last Friday evening. His central midfield role received support from the never-ever-score-again Kimberley, with McInerney leading the line. Hawkins, donning brand new hand sheathes following the horror latex injury suffered in last week’s game, aimed to preserve the integrity of the plywood onion bag, with Lissimore providing defensive cover.

The first half started brightly enough, with the Super A’s stroking the ball about playfully across the pitch, to the delight of the innumerable fans. Unfortunately, their joy was short lived, as the Apostrophes manly, beast-like momentum was savagely castrated by the scythe of mother misfortune. Distraught and confused, further punishment ensued, leaving a disorientated, deflated and tired (though extremely handsome) team to retire to the lavish splendour of their changing boudoir for half time five goals down.

The second half saw no improvement, despite encouraging signs from partizan referee Mugabe, once again given the “I’d kill thousands to do this” privilege of officiating a Super A’s “Classico”. Hawkins and Lissimore switched positions in an attempt to confuse and amaze the infidels, but their efforts proved futile, the game ending a disappointing 10-0 to Unsung Heroes.

Sporting Apostrophes remain pointless, hovering above the bottom of the table by way of goal difference. A terrible injustice!

Score: 0-10
Squad: Hawkins, Hinceman, Kimberley, Lissimore, McInerney.

“Kimberley takes the ‘rubbish’ tag literally”

Fans’ forums are ablaze with transfer rumours following out-of-form striker Kimberley’s miserable run of 5 games with no goals.

“He’s rubbish, like some sort of sick Jan Molby / Heather Mills hybrid,” complained one visibly upset season ticket holder. “There’s ample support from midfield and he’s not been short of chances. I just don’t understand what’s going on.”

Kimberley has been linked with several Major League clubs who covet his questionable work ethic and willingness to be substituted.

“Kimberley’s ‘back-to-third-world-basics’ training regime is of dubious merit”

“McInerney looks bewildered by father’s Adidas tumour”

The eleven-goal thriller against Matraquilhos FC yesterday ended in yet another defeat for the mighty Super A’s.

“It was ugly, up-in-the-air football, the kind that makes a purist sick from his bumhole” cried chairman Ernest Borgnine. “Yet again, concentration was in short supply, and we were punished accordingly. How on earth I’ll explain this to our beloved sponsor Shaw Tyre & Exhaust Co I don’t know.”

The Apostrophes, bolstered by new signings Farnsworth and Lissimore, sported an exciting new line up, to the delight of the capacity crowd. The in-form Turner patrolled the midfield, supported by the out-of-form, never-to-score-again Kimberley and new boy Farnsworth. Defensive duties were in the capable hands of Lissimore, supported by Hawkins, once again donning the famous hand sheathes. Against medical advice, McInerney roamed freely, in defiance of the cruel “static” nickname so often heard from the terraces.

“C’est une Catastrophe!” the crowd cried within moments of the kick-off, when a misunderstanding between Hawkins and Lissimore led to Matraquilhos’ first blood. The infidels soon scored a second, angering the voluminous, real-life, genuine crowd.

The Super A’s lapse of concentration soon passed, replaced by world-class, pass-and-move football that would grace the world’s greatest stadia. In football, like life, beauty must lead to punishment: in this instance, the blow was dealt by McInerney, with seconds of the first half to spare. The team retired to the hot tub a goal down, but with the testes of fate firmly within their baboon-like grasp.

The second half saw the Super A’s repeatedly take the lead thanks to a tidy brace by Farnsworth, plus a goal from Turner and a McInerney penalty. The team threatened to win the match on a number of occasions, but with the clock running down and concentration wavering, the Apostrophes were punished by Matraquilhos, who edged ahead at the death.

Sporting Apostrophes remain precariously close to the foot of the table. A terrible injustice!

Score: 5-6
Squad: Farnsworth, Hawkins, Kimberley, Lissimore, McInerney, Turner.
Goals: Farnsworth (2), McInerney (2), Turner (1).

1pm kick-off, Sunday 27th July 2008 at Powerleague Old Street.

“The Super A’s African Realtopbonus Soccer Education (A.R.S.E.) programme is sure to reap dividends”

Yesterday’s 12-goal thriller against Rigford Sea-Hawks ended in another tragic defeat for the Super A’s.

“We passed the ball about nicely, but our defensive frailties were exposed yet again” complained chairman Ernest Borgnine. “The boys are blessed with a divine talent, of that I’m certain, but they mustn’t get carried away with showboating when there’s hard manlygraft to be done. How I’ll explain this result to our beloved sponsor Shaw Tyre & Exhaust Co. I just don’t know.”

The Super A’s fielded a galaxy of stars including Bonell, McInerney, Turner (returning from his one-month lay-off) and the on-loan Cameo, to the delight and amazement of the enormous, real-life crowd. With the exception of Hawkins, who once again donned the sheathes of handiness, the team adopted a “freestyle” formation, mixing up their positions in a way that mankind has never before witnessed, and in all probability never will again.

For the first few minutes of the match, the Apostrophes’ unique tactic appeared to work. The team stroked the sphere from player to player with much beauty, evoking cries of “ace,” “manbonus” and even “beefvenom” from the innumerable fans. Things were looking very positive for the Super A’s until the Sea-Hawks, breaking down the left wing, struck the ball past a hapless Hawkins whose digits were looking somewhat less than their adhesive best. A Bonell blast briefly kept the team in the match, but it wasn’t enough to stop the Super A’s retiring to the luxury of their 5-star changing rooms 6-1 down.

With the substitutes bench a barren, lonely place, and with energy levels waning, the Apostrophes could do little to prevent a second half onslaught. Despite some great movement from Bonell and the rejuvenated Turner, with the assistance of some Cameo muscle, the team’s lack of defensive coherence led to further brutal punishment. A bizarre own goal added to the Apostrophes tally, to the delight of the abundant crowd, leaving the team to wind down the clock until referee Robert Mugabe called time with the score at an unacceptable 10-2 to the Sea-Hawks.

For the first time in the club’s history, Sporting Apostrophes climb to seventh in the league table! However, the imbeciles at Powerleague have spelt the team name incorrectly, which is a source of great embarrassment to the team and its beloved sponsor Shaw Tyre & Exhaust Co. A terrible injustice!

Score: 2-10
Squad: Bonell, Cameo, Hawkins, McInerney, Turner.
Goals: Bonell (1) plus one own-goal.

3pm kick-off, Sunday 20th July 2008 at Powerleague Old Street.

Click here to see the full article on the genuine BBC Sport website.

“The Bonell family can’t wait to see their boy”

The following players will be lining up for the Super A’s for Sunday’s match against Rigford Sea-Hawks:

Bocchi J
Bonell
Hawkins
McInerney
Turner

Yes folks, that’s only five, so if anyone else wants to play please raise your hand.

This enticing fixture will be Bonell’s last for several weeks. Fans are encouraged to turn up in force to see the Super A’s legend make his eighth appearance.

“I’m off to the motherland for a fortnight, then I’m having the Sporting Apostrophes logo tattooed on my back,” the Swedish midfielder announced at a packed press conference this morning.

The stars thrill the crowd with their unique brand of “total football”

The Super A’s introduction to Division I football ended in a humiliating 14-1 reverse against Ocean 11 yesterday, to the dismay of the capacity crowd.

“It was like giving a Thalidomide boychild a Chinese burn” wept chairman Ernest Borgnine. “It was a painful result that brings great shame upon our beloved sponsor Shaw Tyre & Exhaust Co.”

A galaxy of stars turned out for the Apostrophes, every one a favourite of the genuine, loyal supporters in the sell-out crowd. “The Wall” McInerney adopted his usual defensive position, guarding the integrity of Hawkins, once again donning the five-fingered mansheathes. Kimberley and Bocchi took responsibility for offensive duties, supplied by an energetic Bonell.

The Super A’s were put to the sword from the first whistle. Ocean 11’s superior passing, shooting, running, fitness, ball control, positional sense, footwear, looks, muscles, skills and mantrickery proved too much. Despite Hawkins’ best efforts, the goal was deflowered within minutes.

The Apostrophes tried to respond with some vintage route one football to no avail, as the goals continued to fly in from all angles. Exhausted, dejected and six-nil down, the team retired to the hot tub at half time to discuss tactics.

The second half proved no better than the first for the mighty Super A’s. A reshuffled line-up saw McInerney and Bocchi switch positions in an attempt to generate more chances, but the triple-glazed window of opportunity was firmly sealed and shuttered, its handle broken off. Bonell and McInerney ventured bravely into Ocean 11’s half seeking some small crumb of footballing comfort; tragically, they received nothing but bitter, faecal crumbs of despair at the departure lounge.

With seconds of the match remaining, McInerney “pounced” to score a consolation goal for Sporting Apostrophes, but it was too little too late, the final score being 14-1 to Ocean 11.

Sporting Apostrophes start their first season in division one at the foot of the table. A terrible injustice!

Score: 1-14
Squad: Bocchi J, Bonell, Hawkins, Kimberley, McInerney.
Goals: McInerney (1).

Bonusotography

Number 11 Kimberley warms up his wayward right foot

Number 9 McInerney punts the ball into orbit

“Millions of genuine, real life fans are elated”

Confused players and fans wept with misplaced joy today upon hearing of the Super A’s promotion to Division I.

“We can’t wait to get stuck in!” cried chairman Ernest Borgnine. “It’s a tantalising prospect, facing Rigford Sea-Hawks, Unsung Heroes and a whole host of infinitely superior teams.”

2.20pm kick-off, Sunday 13th July 2008 at Powerleague Old Street.

“Hawkins wears the new Super A’s shirt at the opening polyesterceremonials”

Sporting Apostrophes are delighted to announce a new shirt sponsorship deal with Shaw Tyre & Exhaust Co. Beloved chairman Ernest Borgnine signed the £2,500,000 one-season contract at the prestigious Lancashire offices of the team’s new sponsor.

“They’re proper excellent” the chairman enthused, stroking the new team shirt with his strong, manly left hand, whilst stroking his flaccid penis with his delicate, feminine right.

Squad numbers for the new season will be confirmed shortly.