Sporting Apostrophes

“photo coming sooner than you’d like”

Sporting Apostrophes, last season’s righteous division II champions, received a harsh welcome to life in the top tier, losing 6-3 to Fuel Customer Priority.

“Our squad oozes, nay, REEKS of quality, but to thrive in this winners’ league we need to redouble our efforts on the astroturf,” remarked chairman Ernest Borgnine at the post match sauna. “It’s not the start we were hoping for, but our morale is still sky-high, and I’m confident that it will remain so for at least another fortnight.”

Match highlights include: a commendable debut for Ford; Correa on the road to fitness; trademark non-stop running from Bell; top-drawer, disciplined defensive play from Tinsley; yet another improbable goal from “The Beast of Baltimore”; deluxe sheath targeting and man latex from Stickland.

The famous yellows’ introduction to top flight football ended in tears, a savage uppercut, a dagger to the heart of any lover of free-spirited, quality loveball. A terrible injustice!

Stats

Score: 3-6
Squad: Bell, Correa, Ford, Hinceman, Stickland, Tinsley.
Goals: Ford (1), Hinceman (1), Tinsley (1).

Due to injuries, witchcraft, adverse weather conditions and the ugly aftermath of the coke-and-hooker-fuelled Champions’ party, Sporting Apostrophes were forced to forfeit their fixture against Static Data. Fans were treated to an exhibition match, with the super yellows’ squad bolstered by members of West End Wanderers. A terrible injustice!

Stats

Score: 0-10
Squad: Hawkins, Kimberley, Tinsley, Turner.
Goals: N/A.

“The prophecy is fulfilled as Sporting Apostrophes finally win the division II championship! Left to right: Turner, Hinceman, Hawkins, Bell, Stickland, Farnsworth, Borgnine, Kimberley, Pacheco.”

A new world order was established last Sunday, changing life as we know it on this planet irrevocably. Poverty has been eradicated; climate change, a persistent threat, has been halted in its tracks; civil war, conflict, genocide: words that will be consigned to the history books; albinos and midgets, available on a 2-for-1 deal; organised religions universally abandoned in favour of The One New Church of Sporting Apostrophes, the newly-crowned champions of division II.

“We finally did it!” cried chairman Ernest Borgnine, overwhelmed by emotion following his team’s incredible achievement, its significance greater than the birth of Christ and Christopher Reeve combined. “It’s been a long, hard season, and we’ve sailed close to the wind at times, but we deserve this promotion. It’s taken us seven seasons to taste silverware, and now it’s a reality we’ll be licking its onion glaze until our tongues chafe and burn. Commiserations to Team Wang – they’re a nice bunch of lads, but it looks like their chances of promotion have evaporated. Second place is U.B.O.C.’s to lose.”

Match highlights include: obligatorygoals from the ever-potent Farnsworth; a titanic performance from Maryland cookie Hinceman; rib-cracking, heart-and-soul football from Bell; Stickland, making his fourteenth consecutive appearance, possibly a record?; pass-and-move goodness from Wessely.

After six seasons of pain, injuries, heavy defeats, bad luck and Apostolov, Sporting Apostrophes, the world’s favourite team, have finally achieved greatness. It may have taken 93 matches and 34 players, but the team’s innumerable fans can finally celebrate a championship-winning season. A terrible injustice!

Stats

Score: 4-2
Squad: Bell, Hinceman, Farnsworth, Stickland, Wessely.
Goals: Farnsworth (3), plus an own goal from Team Wang.

“Correa celebrates his fourth onion with Wessely”

Sporting Apostrophes’ assault on the division II championship gathered pace with a convincing victory against Centrepoint FC.

“We dished out our unique brand of canary yellow punishment and it made them gag like a mouthful of English mustard,” boasted chairman Ernest Borgnine, his chest puffed out through a combination of pride and his freshly-waxed grandfatherly moobs. “I can already smell the Dettox on the winners’ podium, and you mark my words, I’ll be the first to hold the championship trophy aloft when we win it.”

Match highlights include: yet another double hat-trick for Farnsworth, the sixth of his career; a welcome appearance from Correa, his first of the season following his life-threatening home decorating illness; ever-present Stickland; a late, late show from Wessely; another taste of Tinsley, with some top drawer defensive play; stereo violations for Hinceman, though his second is hotly disputed.

With just two matches remaining, Sporting Apostrophes lead the division II table by 3 points. A win next week would guarantee the championship, immortality and unfettered access to a thousand virgins beyond the grave. A terrible injustice!

Stats

Score: 12-5
Squad: Correa, Farnsworth, Hinceman, Stickland, Tinsley, Wessely.
Goals: Farnsworth (6), Correa (4), Hinceman (2).

“Borgnine and Hinceman sample le oignon fondant at the rehearsal dinner for the Promotion Feast”

A bitter new rivalry was created as a result of last Sunday’s petulant encounter with league newcomers Swan and Speedos.

“Good God, they’re worse than Minety, Real So So Bad and Los Diablos baked into an irritating past-date quiche!” raged an irate Ernest Borgnine. “They’re unsporting, foul-mouthed, and, to worst of all, they injured our star pony. With any luck we’ll leave them languishing in division II as we sup from the golden chalice of promotion and everlasting life, fertility and all-you-can-eat buffets.”

Match highlights include: a hat-trick for “guarantee” Farnsworth, taking his season total to 33 goals in just 9 appearances; top-drawer sheath loving from Stickland; Wessely just making the last call for part deux; Pacheco tasting astroturf, leaving him on the sidelines for potentially the rest of the season; Hinceman dishing out pain like a Biggie and Tupac club sandwich; another sterling performance for young Tinsley; energy and ivory from the evergreen Kimberley, without a modicum of harmony.

Sporting Apostrophes remain at the top of division II with a 3-point lead and commanding goal difference. With just 3 matches remaining, the promotion dream is more alive than a motorway collision between the cast of Fame’s tour bus and a lorry load of amphetamines. A terrible injustice!

Stats

Score: 3-3
Squad: Farnsworth, Hinceman, Kimberley, Pacheco, Stickland, Tinsley, Wessely.
Goals: Farnsworth (3).

“Fans struggle to contain their excitement upon hearing that the Apostrophes press embargo has ended”

Sporting Apostrophes’ assault on the division II title took a Goliath leap forward with a convincing 11-4 victory against West End Wanderers.

“A magnificent display of pure, uncut onionball!” enthused chairman Ernest Borgnine, relieved to be talking to reporters once again following the long-standing press embargo. “Farnsworth’s double hat-trick, the fifth of his career, was the icing on the Super A’s cupcake. He now has 30 goals to his name this season – surely 40 isn’t an unrealistic target for the ‘terrorist’ from Yorkshire?”

To the delight of fans in the Grammar End, Sporting Apostrophes took to the field with an abundance of home-grown English talent, each man eager to prove himself worthy of a place in the starting line-up for the impending World Cup. Birmingham’ s Kimberley headed the pack, the silver-haired midget in prime condition thanks to his rigorous cycling regime. Hawkins, another native of the second city, was next in line, the sheath technician eager to feel latex on his skin once again after a 3-week absence. Recent signing Tinsley joined the Midland pairing, the Essex wonder-boy already an established Apostrophe after just three appearances on the hallowed astroturf. Local lad “fairweather” Stickland made it four, the on-off glovesman making his fiftieth appearance for the famous yellows. Yorkshire’s finest pudding joined him, the in-form striker now odds-on favourite to regain the brown plimsole after two seasons in the wilderness. The quintet of English mustard were accompanied by the American Hinceman, Maryland’s biggest export since Tupac.

One-legged referee Gillespie started proceedings with a muscular “toot!” on his whistle.

The entrée was served piping hot, the Apostrophes storming to a three goal lead in a matter of minutes. Some fine interplay between Tinsley and Farnsworth delivered the onion, with notable assists and heave-ho from Hinceman and Stickland, the latter helping himself with a well-taken poke. The Wanderers rallied, replying with two goals in quick succession, despite some jazz hands and sheath wizardry from Hawkins. The Super A’s opened up a two goal lead, before their opponents added a third with the final kick of the first half, a fortunate, long range effort that bamboozled the hapless Hawkins.

Sagely advice and energy drinks were exchanged at half time, the players still fully-focused on their promotion dreams.

West End Wanderers equalised early in the second half, but the Apostrophes replied with a savage one-two counterpunch from Tinsley, stereo onion bag violations that left the Wanderers reeling. Hinceman drew blood from an impossible angle, as Kimberley mystified his opponents and possibly himself with his incredible, tireless running into space. Farnsworth dealt further punishment, completing his double hat-trick, before the referee brought the match to an end after yet another famous Sporting victory.

With just four matches remaining, Sporting Apostrophes lead the division II table by three points, their hopes of feasting at the promotion buffet as real and tangible as a scale drawing of Christopher Reeve. A terrible injustice!

Score: 11-4
Squad: Farnsworth, Hawkins, Hinceman, Kimberley, Stickland, Tinsley.
Goals: Farnsworth (6), Tinsley (3), Hinceman (1), Stickland (1).

Stats

Score: 7-5
Squad: Bell, Farnsworth, Kimberley, Pacheco, Stickland, Tinsley.
Goals: Farnsworth (3), Pacheco (2), Bell (1), Tinsley (1).

Stats

Score: 4-8
Squad: Hinceman, Pacheco, Stickland, Tinsley, Wessely.
Goals: Pacheco (3), Tinsley (1).

Stats

Score: 2-4
Squad: Bell, Pacheco, Poncet, Stickland, Tinsley, Turner.
Goals: Poncet (1), Tinsley (1).

Stats

Score: 2-0
Squad: Farnsworth, Hawkins, Kimberley, Pacheco, Stickland, Wessely.
Goals: Pacheco (2).

Stats

Score: 9-5
Squad: Farnsworth, Hawkins, Pacheco, Kimberley, Stickland.
Goals: Farnsworth (4), Pacheco (4), Stickland (1).

Stats

Score: 11-7
Squad: Farnsworth, Hawkins, Kimberley, Pacheco, Stickland.
Goals: Farnsworth (7), Pacheco (2), Kimberley (1), Stickland (1).

Stats

Score: 15-6
Squad: Bell, Farnsworth, Hinceman, Pacheco, Stickland, Turner.
Goals: Farnsworth (6), Pacheco (4), Turner (3), Bell (1), Hinceman (1).

Stats

Score: 10-3
Squad: Farnsworth, Hawkins, Pacheco, Stickland, Tobin, Turner, Wessely.
Goals: Farnsworth (4), Pacheco (4), Turner (2).

“awaiting photo”

Sporting Apostrophes were awarded a 10-0 victory after their opponents failed to field a team. A hastily arranged friendly resulted in an action-packed match, narrowly lost via a thrilling golden goal for a makeshift Centrepoint FC line-up including “terrorist” Farnsworth.

Match highlights include: a stellar performance for Bell, including an uprecedented four goal haul; an improbable hat-trick for “friendly” Stickland; a rare and mercifully brief outfield appearance for Hawkins; Wessely losing his cool; enemy terrorism from Farnsworth.

Sporting Apostrophes end the season in third, the promotion that is theirs by divine right denied thanks to a terrible second half of the season. A terrible injustice!

Score: 7-8
Squad: Bell, Hawkins, Farnsworth, Stickland, Wessely.
Goals: Bell (4), Stickland (3).

N.B. FRIENDLY GOALS ARE STATISTICALLY INSIGNIFICANT!

“awaiting photo”

El Paso finally ended Apostrophes fans’ dreams of promotion in what proved to be a lacklustre match for the Super A’s.

“That’s that then,” a resigned Ernest Borgnine told reporters at the post-match press conference. “The champagne has been on ice for longer than I care to remember. We were top of the league, top of the world, but we’ve fallen like a polio-ridden orphan on a bucking bronco. It’s easy to try and point the wretched, crooked, poo-scented finger of blame, and in due course I probably will do.”

With Hawkins and Stickland suspended, Lissimore donned sheathes, his first appearance between the sticks since March. Outfield, the Apostrophes boasted their usual galaxy of stars, but a determined El Paso side, eager to return to division I at the first attempt, thwarted their attempts on goal time and time again.
“How dare they stop the ball from entering their net?” the fans wept, emotional at the outright insolence of their team’s adversaries.

With the full time whistle echoing around the stadium, the sullen, despondent sextet retired to the opulent luxury of their changing palace with little to say to each other. A terrible injustice!

Stats

Score: 2-9
Squad: Correa, Farnsworth, Hinceman, Lissimore, Pacheco, Turner.
Goals: Pacheco (1), Turner (1).

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“awaiting photo”

The famous yellows racked up their third draw of the season in what proved to be a chaotic fixture against Minety.

“This match should have been abandoned as they didn’t have enough players to field a team,” protested Ernest Borgnine, unable to contain his anger or his urine. “They fielded a guest star from a team within their division, Team Wang in this instance, which is strictly prohibited under Powerleague rules. I tell you, it’s an outrage, a proper, full-on orangutan outrage, and it makes a mockery of this division.”

A lacklustre performance by the Apostrophes boasted few highlights, but Farnsworth deserves praise, having achieved his third hat-trick of the season. Violations by the increasingly ravenous Turner and the ever-reliable Pacheco added to the home-baked quiche.
Sporting Apostrophes’ terrible run of form leaves their promotion campaign in tatters, their only hope being a catastrophic failure on the part of El Paso. A terrible injustice!

Stats

Score: 5-5
Squad: Correa, Farnsworth, Hinceman, Hawkins, Pacheco, Turner, Wessely.
Goals: Farnsworth (3), Pacheco (1), Turner (1).

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“Turner ‘nose’ where the goal is after his lengthy barren spell”

Sporting Apostrophes’ quest for promotion took a sizeable step backwards, thanks to an unfortunate defeat at the hands of U.B.O.C.

“U.B.O.C. – they’re a solid team – you can see that they wanted it more than us,” Ernest Borgnine told reporters at the post-match briefing. “We have to address this alarming run of form that’s seen us pick up just two points in our last four matches. Our season is at stake, and, quite frankly, it’s not good enough. The billion-strong fan base deserves better.”

The Apostrophes, eager to taste victory for the first time since 18th October, fielded a robust sandwich with meat at both ends. Kimberley returned to the dressing room after a six week absence. The “albino Essien” lined-up beside midfield Mozarts Turner and Wessley, the former amazing fans with his newly-discovered enthusiasm for worshipping at the temple of onion. Pacheco took to the field for his landmark 20th appearance, making him the 10th most capped player in the world famous club’s history.

An unsheathed, yellow Stickland appeared from the players’ tunnel, leaving the Apostrophes’ particularly astute fans to work out the inevitable.

“Oh. My. God. They’re dropping the H-Bomb!” cried fans, as the scent of Hawkins filled every nostril in the stadium. Hawkins’ long-awaited return from the dreaded “lesbian shoulder” was cheered by fans for at least an hour, before the referee commenced the day’s excitement with a robust toot on his whistle.

Like a hoard of feral Tina Turners, the Super A’s launched themselves at U.B.O.C., well aware of the opposition’s propensity for a bit of heave-ho. An ugly, Simon Weston spectacle ensued: not a match for the purist. Turner drew first blood with a sublime finish, his fear of violations now a distant-but-terrifying memory. U.B.O.C. replied, to the dismay of the crowd, as the first half drew to a close.

The second half was much the same: a torrid, unsightly affair of diced, frozen onion, the kind that languishes in the freezer compartment beyond its sell-by date. Kimberley offered a threat of sorts in the middle of the park, while Wessely and Pacheco sought chances on the wing. Stickland resumed defensive duties, as Turner looked to add to his orphan violation, which he duly did with 10 minutes remaining.

Fans hoped for a much-needed victory, but U.B.O.C., eager to make amends for their recent run of poor form against the Super A’s, battled on to take the three points.

With the end of the season approaching and Sporting Apostrophes’ form in free-fall, fans’ hopes of a promotion party are very much on ice. A terrible injustice!

Score: 2-3
Squad: Hawkins, Kimberley, Pacheco, Stickland, Turner, Wessely.
Goals: Turner (2).

“awaiting photo”

Sporting Apostrophes battled to a hard-earned draw against table-toppers Green Park in last Sunday’s mesmerising division II encounter.

“We beat them for the first time earlier in the season, so we knew they’d be gunning for revenge,” Ernest Borgnine informed the attendants at the post-match press jamboree. “They’re a solid, organised side, boasting at least 100 subs for each match, so you’ve got to give them credit. We’re the only team to have pummelled them into submission with the onion cannon, so we have every right to be proud of our achievements.”

Match highlights include: Turner violations, a rare but exciting spectacle; Wessely’s fiery temper getting the better of him; sheath pony from Stickland; Pacheco violation; a rare, onion-free sandwich for Farnsworth, to the dismay of fans; up-tempo groundwork from Correa.

Sporting Apostrophes’ hopes of promotion have taken a firm kick in the teeth, but with Borgnine’s comprehensive dental insurance policy the team have every right to remain optimistic. A terrible injustice!

Stats

Score: 3-3
Squad: Correa, Farnsworth, Pacheco, Stickland, Turner, Wessely.
Goals: Turner (2), Pacheco (1).

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“awaiting photo”

It was seven onions apiece in last Sunday’s thrilling division II encounter with old rivals Team Wang.

“Wang have improved immeasurably this season: their league position is not reflective of their endeavours,” remarked Ernest Borgnine. “Naturally, we’re very disappointed, as our promotion campaign looks more fragile as each week passes, but we’re confident that we can bounce back next week.”

Match highlights include: quadruplo-magnifico sex onions from Pacheco; a hat-trick from “terrorist” Farnsworth; a glimpse-and-you’ll-miss-it appearance from Lissimore; sheath tending par excellence from Stickland; midfield dynamism from Wessely; Hinceman’s meatloaf.

Sporting Apostrophes’ hopes of promotion have taken a firm kick in the teeth, but with Borgnine’s comprehensive dental insurance policy the team have every right to remain optimistic. A terrible injustice!

Stats

Score: 7-7
Squad: Farnsworth, Hinceman, Lissimore, Pacheco, Stickland, Wessely.
Goals: Pacheco (4), Farnsworth (3).

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