Sporting Apostrophes

“The team congratulate Farnsworth on his quintuple violation”

Yesterday’s “Super Sunday” fixture against table-toppers El Paso resulted in a magnificent 8-1 victory for the Apostrophes.

“We didn’t just beat them, we thrashed them!” wept chairman Ernest Borgnine, unable to contain his enthusiasm despite being naked from the waist down. “We took them to school, gave them detention and beat them savagely with a child-stick to near death!”

With “static” McInerney and Kimberley unavailable for selection, the Super A’s fielded a youthful side somewhat reminiscent of Arsenal’s pre-pubescent Carling Cup prodigies, only much, much better. With an average age of just 30, quick-witted fans christened them Borgnine’s Babes, to the delight of players and fans alike.

Hawkins and Turner made a welcome return to the team, the former following his hand sheath seminar in Berlin, the latter having rejected Fulham’s advances after last week’s controversial trial. The pair were joined by “guarantee” Farnsworth, his insatiable appetite for goals making him delirious, his mouth foaming with saliva like a rabid dog. Lissimore assumed sweeper duties, with Wessely providing pace in midfield. The in-form Hinceman completed the line-up, eager to build upon his consecutive man-of-the-match performances.

Whistle-happy referee Morgan Tsvangirai was welcomed by a chorus of boos as the first half commenced, his suspect decisions incurring the wrath of the Apostrophes faithful. Within a matter of seconds, he pursed his angry lips and blew, enraging the partizan crowd.

“You’re a rotter, how on earth does that contravene football rules?” one fan shouted, displaying a gentlemanly restraint so typical of fans seated in the non-fictional Grammar End.

The Super A’s, mindful of the referee’s innumerable inadequacies, exercised caution in their challenges, but still played their unique brand of “total football” in defiance of his dubious officiation skills. With passing so beautiful and humbling in its excellence an albino would turn midnight black, a flurry of onion bag violations was sure to follow, and so it came to pass. The incredible power of “guarantee” Farnsworth’s shot reaped dividends in spades, Wessely’s pinpoint accuracy it’s perfect foil.

Sporting Apostrophes’ virile attacking tsunami was supported by a granite defense, courtesy of Lissimore and Hinceman, with hand sheath exponent Hawkins’ saves bringing anal gasps of excitement from the capacity crowd. The first half concluded with the team four goals to the good, despite Turner’s brief sojourn to the dreaded sin bin.

Determined not to throw away a convincing lead, the Apostrophes delivered more delicious, oven-baked football in the second half. Wessely completed his second hat-trick of the season, whilst Farnsworth’s punishment tally ran to an incredible, record-breaking five goals. Turner, Lissimore and Hinceman were unfortunate to not add to the Apostrophes impressive haul, the woodwork denying them on a number of occasions.

El Paso responded with a solitary onion bag violation, but it was the merest faecal pebble of comfort for a team thoroughly humbled by a display of supreme footballing dominance.

Sporting Apostrophes lie 5th in the table thanks to inferior goal difference, despite their superior athleticism and Hollywood good looks. A terrible injustice!

Score: 8-1
Squad: Farnsworth, Hawkins, Hinceman, Lissimore, Turner, Wessely.
Goals: Farnsworth (5), Wessely (3).

“In an effort to increase his onion bag violations, Kimberley simulates ball trajectory and velocity on his advanced Amstrad CPC”

Sporting Apostrophes’ succumbed to a disappointing defeat against old rivals One Flew Into The Keepers Net in Sunday’s 15-goal thriller.

“Very bad game yesterday, the worst we have played in the Super A’s history,” said Kimberley, emailing via his Amstrad CPC, purchased with his first professional pay packet and still going strong. “We were actually 4-3 up at half time but threw it all away, I don’t think we strung 3 passes together all game.”

Chairman Ernest Borgnine was unavailable for comment, furthering rumours of unrest at the world famous club.

Sporting Apostrophes continue to incur the wrath of Shaw Tyre & Exhaust Co thanks to their mid-table mediocrity. A terrible injustice!

Score: 5-10
Squad: Bonell, Farnsworth, Hinceman, Kimberley, Lissimore, Wessely, White.
Goals: Bonell (1), Farnsworth (1), Kimberley (1), Wessely (1), White (1).

“Hinceman and Bonell on the wheelchair road to recovery”

Sporting Apostrophes took all three points in Sunday’s 13-goal thriller against Team Wang.

“Six points out of a possible nine! I’m beside myself with joy” cried chairman Ernest Borgnine at his post-match colostomy bag refresh. “OK, so we nearly threw it away - at times it looked as though we actually WANTED them to win - but it’s three points on the board nonetheless.”

Fans wept and ritually sacrificed orphans, such was there joy at seeing Hinceman, his heavily bandaged ankle testament to the greatness of this veteran of many an Apostrophes War. The cacophony of noise continued as Turner joined him, his impressive strike rate making him this season’s early favourite for the coveted Brown Plimsole.

Aural statisticians monitoring the precise volume of the crowd registered no reduction in volume upon the appearance of “guarantee” Farnsworth, whose presence on the score sheet is as reliable as clockwork. Fans maintained their enthusiasm as Hawkins somersaulted from the tunnel, with the sound of Tina Turner’s “Simply The Best” propelling him through the air as though weightless.

After what seemed like hours, the team’s elder statesmen Kimberley and McInerney trudged onto the hallowed astroturf, their combined age of 94 a great, evil “shame stain” upon the world’s most excellent and famous club.

Deploying their renowned diamond formation, the Super A’s started the first half at a lively tempo; somewhere between a canter and a gallop, what some might call a “sexual manjog”. Their ball stroking quickly drew first blood, to the delight of the innumerable, real-life fans. A second soon followed, a bizarre off-the-bar-on-the-bar-and-in goal from Hinceman, his ankle clearly having lost none of its Baltimore Fury. Team Wang replied thanks to defensive crossed wires, Sporting’s communication skills having let them down for the umpteenth time, before the referee blew for half time.

After such a promising performance in the first half, a predictable, inevitable loss of form was apparent from the outset of the second. Sporting Apostrophes onion compass wasn’t calibrated, and their passing, so arousing in the first period, seemed listless and misguided, like a zombie rapist on parole. Team Wang punished the Super A’s onion like an abusive step-brother, leaving fans fearful that like last week’s match, the game would be thrown away. Despite their misgivings, the team held on to their lead until the final whistle for a famous 7-6 victory.

Sporting Apostrophes inferior goal difference leaves them in fourth spot, having taken six points from a possible nine. A terrible injustice!

Score: 7-6
Squad: Farnsworth, Hawkins, Hinceman, Kimberley, McInerney, Turner.
Goals: Farnsworth (2), Hinceman (2), McInerney (1), Turner (2).

“Turner and Wessely’s goals couldn’t stop the injustice of defeat”

Yesterday’s goal-fest against Real So So Bad ended in an unfortunate 13-6 reverse for the world’s most handsome football team.

“After last week’s victory the boys have become complacent,” bemoaned chairman Ernest Borgnine at the post match press conference. ” Our defence was shocking in the second half, and with no subs available, we ran out of options and sex wee.”

Fans struggled to contain their excitement as an all-star team of Apostrophes legends took to the field for their pre-match calisthenics workout. Hawkins waved at the crowd, showing off his brand new hand sheathes to the fans seated in the non-fictional Grammar End. McInerney soon followed, dispelling rumours of his death by natural causes following last week’s mysterious no-show. The in-form midfield pairing of Turner and Wessely joined them, with Lissimore at the rear, his broken toe now a distant memory.

The Super A’s started the first half at a fierce tempo, with much arousing ball stroking and an abundance of tippy-tappy one two play that would bring milky penis tears to the sternest of long ball advocates. The inevitable onion bag violations appeared courtesy of Turner and Wessely, to the delight of the capacity crowd. Real So So Bad soon responded, taking advantage of Hawkins’ unorthodox distribution, the start of a catalogue of defensive mishaps that led to the first half ending four apiece.

“I cannae work out what they’re doin’,” grumbled one season ticket holder, confused at the Apostrophes’ backdoor shenanigans. “After last week’s victory they just wanna taste onion, but you cannae neglect your own onion and let yer opponents stab at it willfully.”

Hawkins handed the sheathes to Lissimore for the second half, as the team tried to claim a famous second consecutive victory. Despite Wessely completing a hat-trick and further punishment from Turner and the aging McInerney, the Super A’s shameful defending led to a torrent of goals from Real So So Bad, to the dismay of the partizan crowd.

Leaving the field at the final whistle, their heads and scrotums hanging in shame, the team spent many mournful hours in their changing boudoir reflecting upon wasted chances, and defending that would make a paralympian blush.

After two matches of their first season in Division II, Sporting Apostrophes must content themselves with mid-table mediocrity. A terrible injustice!

Score: 6-13
Squad: Hawkins, Lissimore, McInerney, Turner, Wessely.
Goals: McInerney (1), Turner (2), Wessely (3).

“Wessely winces as the ball approaches his naked, sheathless manfingers”

To the astonishment of the capacity crowd, Sporting Apostrophes’ debut season at Powerleague London City began with a magnificent 7-6 victory against Dynamo Kebab.

“Now they’re liberated from the confines of the Old Street sweatbox the boys have space to really turn on the style” enthused chairman Ernest Borgnine at the post match press conference. “This season is sure to bring goals, excitement, and, inevitably, promotion to Division I.”

The abundance of onion bag violations came courtesy of the ever-scoring Farnsworth, the in-form Turner, a brace from “punisher” Kimberley and an incredible hat-trick from debutant White.

Special plaudits must go to Wessely who bravely defended the Super A’s onion bag sans sheathes.

Sporting Apostrophes start the season with a convincing victory but little sign of appreciation from Shaw Tyre & Exhaust Co. A terrible injustice!

Score: 7-6
Squad: Farnsworth, Kimberley, Turner, Wessely, White.
Goals: Farnsworth (1), Kimberley (2), Turner (1), White (3).

“Genuine, real life fans make their feelings abundantly clear on the Super A’s results this season”

Sunday’s match against newly crowned league champions YOH FC ended in an unfortunate 15-1 reverse for the world’s most handsome football team.

“Bottom of the table - again!” cried chairman Ernest Borgnine at the end-of-season rollerdisco. “I have a meeting with Shaw Tyre & Exhaust Co. later this week to explain what went wrong this season; apart from blaming Kimberley’s woeful performances, I just don’t know what to tell them.”

Sporting Apostrophes’ solitary onion bag violation came courtesy of Wessely, his first for the world famous yellows.

Sporting Apostrophes end the season at the foot of Division I. A terrible injustice!

Score: 1-15
Squad: Bonell, Farnsworth, Hinceman, Kimberley, McInerney, Turner, Wessely.
Goals: Wessely (1).

“Mugabe lays down the law as Farnsworth, aided by Hawkins, ridicules his 1″ Hitler ‘tache”

Sporting Apostrophes tasted defeat once again in yesterday’s memorable encounter with bitter rivals Los Diablos.

“We’re genuinely competing at this level now which surely makes us hot favourites for the Division II title at Liverpool Street,” enthused chairman Ernest Borgnine. “I expect a great deal from the boys next season - commitment, goals, passion, sex, enema and badger.”

The Super A’s appeared to rapturous applause, the fans showing their appreciation for the free-scoring Farnsworth, returning from promotional duties in the north east, and Lissimore, fully recuperated from his his broken toe. The pair were soon followed by Wessely, keen to build on his impressive debut performance, and McInerney, whose escalating transfer value is the topic du jour.

“Over €40million for a player on the brink of retirement, maybe even death by natural causes, is outrageous!” opined one season ticket holder before the Super A’s “classico” kicked off. “You cannae argue with the man’s goals, though, he loves the onion bag more than his own flesh and blood” commented another.

Kimberley and Hawkins soon joined the team’s calisthenics “Work Out n’ Warm Up” routine, to the amazement of the genuine, real life crowd. With the Apostrophes having achieved maximum flexibility and a zen-like mental state, referee Mugabe pursed his lips and blew his solid ivory whistle to signify the commencement of the first half.

From the outset, it was evident that there was no love lost between the Apostrophes and Los Diablos, winners of the “Most Irritating Team” award for the third consecutive season. Amid the shirt-pulling and shoving, Farnsworth, reliable as ever, found space to create the first goal, to the delight of the innumerable fans seated in the non-fictional Grammar End. Los Diablos pegged the score back to one apiece, but Kimberley replied with a rare shot on target to restore the Apostrophes lead.

The Super A’s, looking more tired than usual, were unable to defend their slim advantage for long: the team retired to the opulent luxury of their changing rooms a goal down, to the dismay of the capacity crowd.

Hawkins, making a rare outfield appearance, passed the hand sheathes to Lissimore as the second half kicked off, the Apostrophes keen to avenge their sullied onion bag. Inevitably, their thirst for vengeance boiled over into angry exchanges with Los Diablos. The abundance of cursing and handbags soon incurred the wrath of Mugabe.

“Cease this nonsense! Not on my watch!” he screamed, his face turned plum-black with rage.

Farnsworth and Wessely bore the brunt of his fury, the former consigned to the sin-bin, the latter sent to the stands for the remainder of the match.

With Hawkins and McInerney the only remaining outfield players, and Kimberley fast asleep in the dugout, the odds were stacked against a famous victory for the yellows. Los Diablos peppered the Apostrophes goal with shots, making full use of their numerical advantage, but Lissimore put in an inspired performance to deny them the opportunity to feast at the temple of onion.

Against the run of play, Hawkins hammered a beastly shot past the hapless opposing hand sheath exponent, following a delightful one-two-how’s-your-father with McInerney. Fans roared their approval as he added another, an entirely deliberate rebound off the ad hoarding.

“He loves sheathes AND onion!” cried the fans, astounded that a hand sheath enthusiast could inflict such punishment.

The yellows pushed forward as Farnsworth, back from the sin bin, and Kimberley, awake and fully conscious, sought to add to the Apostrophes tally. Unfortunately, Los Diablos punished them via a series of counter attacks, taking full advantage of their opponents’ inferior stamina and numerical deficiency.

“Enough!” roared Mugabe as he blew the final whistle, using his mouth for speech and his anus for whistle power.

Exhausted and dejected, Sporting Apostrophes trudged off the field, cursing their luck, Mugabe and the ghost of Christopher Reeve, all of whom had abandoned them in their hour of need.

As the final game of the season approaches, Sporting Apostrophes appear destined to finish in the bottom two of Division I. A terrible injustice!

Score: 4-7
Squad: Farnsworth, Hawkins, Kimberley, Lissimore, McInerney, Wessely.
Goals: Farnsworth (1), Hawkins (2), Kimberley (1).

“The smell of onion bag is second only to Brut aftershave in Turner’s affections”

Yesterday’s bruising encounter with league newcomers Green Park ended in a disappointing 4-3 defeat for the world’s favourite football team.

“A cruel, cruel loss” wept chairman Ernest Borgnine.“It was a spirited performance by the team, but once again the hand of fate has cupped our collective scrotums and squeezed hard. No doubt our beloved sponsor Shaw Tyre & Exhaust Co will be displeased with this result - how I’ll explain it to them I don’t know.”

Even the most die-hard Apostrophes fans were releasing brown pebbles of joy as the team took to the field. The in-form Turner was the first to leave the tunnel, to great applause from the genuinely vast crowd. McInerney soon followed, defying age and Mother Nature to make his 14th appearance for the club. Hand sheath enthusiast Hawkins soon joined them, accompanied by a confident, rejuvenated Kimberley, his hunger for goals evident from the lone testicle dangling from his shorts.

The capacity crowd, by now in such a frenzy that several deaths had occurred, were unprepared for the appearance of Wessely, Sporting Apostophes’ new signing from West Ham United. “A legend is born!” the fans cried, as a small orphan boy child was ritually slaughtered in his honour.

At the instruction of referee Mugabe, Green Park kicked off the first half hesitantly, clearly fearful of the Super A’s. Their fear soon evaporated after they poked the ball past Hawkins, who, despite a string of fine saves, was wrong-footed by a fine one-two attacking manoeuvre. McInerney replied with a vicious stab, to the delight of the innumerable fans, but their delight soon turned to horror as a crunching tackle left him writhing on the floor.

“Put him down, he’s so old!” the away fans sang, as a bruised, battered McInerney hobbled from the pitch, urine streaming down his aging pegs.

Visibly shaken by events on the pitch, the referee signalled the end of the first half with the score at 1-2, leaving the Apostrophes to return to their changing and leisure complex a man down.

Determined to quaff at the fountain of victory, Sporting Apostrophes kicked off the second half. Turner and Wessely worked overtime to compensate for the one player deficit; even Kimberley, unable to walk until the age of 10, put in an inspired performance, bullying his way from end to end.

“Penalty!” screamed Mugabe, after a blunder by Green Park’s ‘keeper!

McInerney, the taste of onion bag violation still fresh on his lips, returned to the field, hoping to step up for the kick, but it was left to Turner to hammer the ball home and level the scores.

Turner and Wessely sustained injuries soon after, leaving the Apostrophes with just two extremely fit players in Hawkins and Kimberley. Another howitzer from Turner hinted at a Super A’s victory, but the walking wounded were unable to suppress the increasing attacking threat from Green Park, the final score being a terribly unfair 3-4 reverse.

With two matches left of their second season, Sporting Apostrophes hopes of winning silverware are looking slim. A terrible injustice!

Score: 3-4
Squad: Hawkins, Kimberley, McInerney, Turner, Wessely.
Goals: McInerney (1), Turner (2).

Sunday’s physical encounter of the non-loving kind against Unsung Heroes ended in an unfortunate 7-3 reverse for the world’s greatest football team.

“The boys played with tremendous leidenschaft, an almost sexual passion” commented chairman Ernest Borgnine at the post-match Scientology forum. “With the injured Lissimore bravely donning the sheathes and the substitutes bench a barren, lonely place, the Super A’s put in a brave performance worthy of champions, albeit champions who haven’t won anything and aren’t very good.”

Sporting Apostrophes’ onion bag violations came courtesy of Turner, who continues to shine despite his sinister aboriginal upbringing, plus a brace from lethal scoring weapon McInerney, whose 15 goal return in 13 games makes him favourite to take home the coveted brown plimsole.

Sporting Apostrophes’ are now doomed to end the season in the bottom three of Division I. A terrible injustice!

Score: 3-7
Squad: Hinceman, Kimberley, Lissimore, McInerney, Turner.
Goals: McInerney (2), Turner (1).

“Kimberley’s last goal arrived before God gave the Holy Handsheathes unto Hawkins”

Sporting Apostrophes’ all-star line-up romped to a thrilling 9-3 victory in yesterday’s match against league newcomers Real Ale Madrid.

“Outstanding!” cried chairman Ernest Borgnine at the final whistle, his sex wee ricocheting across the stadium. “The team put in a fantastic performance worthy of many a celebratory visit to the temple of Onan. This result is absolutely certain to strike fear into the hearts of our Division I opponents.”

With Tina Turner’s “Simply The Best” blasting from the PA, the Super A’s danced forth from the tunnel at exactly 3.35pm, sensibly allowing ample time to arouse supporters with one of their trademark dance routines. At the head of the pack, Hawkins, Hinceman and Turner ran forth to construct the base of a human pyramid, as Farnsworth, Stickland and McInerney followed to erect the middle tier.

“They’re running out in approximate height order!” screamed the fans, unable to contain their excitement.

Following several seconds later, the out-of-form Kimberley appeared, his tiny, midget frame destined to crown the manly white chocolate Toblerone. With Kimberley in place, the team paused to allow fans to appreciate this incredible spectacle dubbed the “eighth wonder of the world.” With the fans in an uncontrollable frenzy, the team assumed their starting positions as referee Mugabe ordered the commencement of the first half.

The Super A’s were a goal to the good within a matter of minutes thanks to a trademark cannon from Farnsworth. The genuine fans gasped in awe as Kimberley added a second, ending his barren, sickening, out-of-form run of misery with one well-placed tap-in.

“Hurrah! More onion bag violations!” the fans screamed, and so it came to pass.

Real Ale Madrid replied thanks to a fierce free kick from outside the area, but the potent, phallocentric force of the Apostrophes proved irresistible as more goals soon arrived. With the score at 5-1, the team retired to their palatial dressing room at half time, the smell of victory filling all fourteen of their heroic nostrils.

The second half was a tense affair, with no onion bag violations arriving for several minutes. A solid defensive performance by Stickland thwarted the Real Ale Madrid attack on numerous occasions, as the rejuvenated, goal-hungry Super A’s sought further reward. Their insatiable appetite for goals was soon.. well… satiated somewhat, as goals from McInerney, Farnsworth, a stunning hat-trick from Turner and an incredible second from Kimberley capped a record-breaking nine-goal haul for the Super A’s, the final score being an impressive 9-3 victory.

Despite winning last Sunday, Sporting Apostrophes hopes of winning the Division I title are looking bleak; those with basic numeracy skills might even say mathematically impossible. A terrible injustice!

Score: 9-3
Squad: Farnsworth, Hawkins, Hinceman, Kimberley, McInerney, Stickland, Turner.
Goals: Farnsworth (2), Kimberley (2), McInerney (2), Turner (3).

“Farnsworth strokes the ball across the hallowed red astroturf”

The Super A’s highly stimulating fixture against Rigford Sea-Hawks ended in yet another sickening defeat for the world’s greatest football team.

“The final score flattered them” opined chairman Ernest Borgnine during his televised calisthenics workout. “The boys put in a brave performance for the majority of the game, but it just wasn’t our day, despite the densely populated substitutes bench. As the saying goes: the Lord molesteth with one paw and clubbeth repeatedly in the face with t’other.”

A record-breaking total of eight players sashayed onto the pitch for the Apostrophes, to the delight of the real-life, capacity crowd.

Hinceman, keen to build upon his man-of-the-match performance against Oceans 11, strode confidently onto the pitch, accompanied by Turner, whose prosthetic ankle has been referred to FIFA’s Dubious Bodily Accoutrements Panel for investigation. The pair were followed at a distance so close some might call it homoerotic by Stickland, Kimberley and Bonell, the Swedish dynamo making his last appearance for several weeks due to international commitments.

Coming firmly up the rear, the goal-hungry Farnsworth exploded from the tunnel, like the ejaculate from a gorilla’s penis. The in-form, goal-a-game striker was joined by guest star Ginever, on trial from Scunthorpe United. Reunited with his beloved sheathes, Hawkins soon followed, his cat-like grace and horse-like features receiving wild applause from the innumerable, real-life fans.

Buoyed by the presence of substitutes, Sporting Apostrophes started the match at a ferocious pace, their energy and enthusiasm electrifying the diminutive arena. Rigford drew first blood, but the team soon replied thanks to a poachers’ goal from Farnsworth, a well-taken tap-in following a rarer-than-the-abominable-snowman on-target shot from Kimberley. The Super A’s retained possession well from then on, but it wasn’t enough to prevent the final kick of the half flying past a hapless, flailing Hawkins, his sheathes uncharacteristically devoid of their usual adhesiveness.

The team rallied in the second half, keen to level the scores as soon as possible. Hinceman and Turner dominated the midfield as new boy Ginever ran riot on the wings, whilst Farnsworth and Stickland provided the occasional goal threat. The team appeared to be on the brink of violating their opponents onion bag once more when the stand-in referee incorrectly awarded a goal to Rigford Sea-Hawks.

“Boo! A terrible injustice!” the crowd screamed as the players, sick with exhaustion, wept from their anuses.

With the referee, fate, fitness, religion, Scientology, mother nature, God and the ghost of Christopher Reeve seemingly conspiring against them, and with no Mugabe to spread the Apostrophes gospel, the team were punished further still, the final score being a terribly unfair 1-6 to the Sea-Hawks.

Tabloid rumours suggest that Shaw Tyre & Exhaust Co may terminate their lucrative deal with the Super A’s after the team fell to their ninth successive defeat. A terrible injustice!

Score: 1-6
Squad: Bonell, Farnsworth, Ginever, Hawkins, Hinceman, Kimberley, Stickland, Turner.
Goals: Farnsworth (1).

Sunday’s action-packed fixture against Oceans 11 ended in a comparatively respectable 7-1 reverse.

“They punished us 14-1 last time” commented chairman Ernest Borgnine at the post-match press conference. “This is a smaller punishment that hurts less - like when the doctor opts to explore with his little finger in preference to his middle finger, thumb or indeed forearm, as we have experienced on too many occasions.”

The Super A’s consolation was scored by Hinceman, his first for the world famous, most excellent club whose real-life, genuine fans are legion.

Sporting Apostrophes’ hopes of winning the league this season have have suffered a huge setback following this unfortunate defeat. A terrible injustice!

Score: 1-7
Squad: Bonell, Hinceman, McInerney, Stickland, Turner.
Goals: Hinceman (1).

“Kimberley’s left foot, like the memory of his last goal, is nothing but a blur”

Last Sunday’s thrilling Division I fixture against unbeaten, unbeatable table-toppers YOH FC ended in yet another entirely unexpected defeat for the Super A’s.

“They were tastier than Brian Blessed in a fist fight with a measles-ridden orphan” wept chairman Ernest Borgnine. “They really took us to school and bummed us in the broom cupboard, right proper hard up the bottom. How I’ll explain this to our beloved sponsor Shaw Tyre & Exhaust Co I just don’t know.“

Season ticket holders rubbed their eyes and penises in disbelief as long-term absentee Stickland led out the team, making his debut appearance in Apostrophes’ famous yellow. “It’s an honour to wear the number 15 shirt for this club,” Stickland announced, whilst kissing the badge, the sponsor’s logo, the collar and cuffs of his shirt, with what some might call an unflattering amount of tongue usage.

The crowd roared as Stickland was followed out of the ivory and marble tunnel by Bonell, back from his sojourn in Sweden. The in-form Farnsworth somersaulted onto the hallowed turf, as chief hand sheath exponent Hawkins dazzled fans with his one-man interpretation of Jackson’s “Thriller” video. The crowd’s roar fell to a deathly whisper as Kimberley took to the field, his lack of goals a source of great concern to die-hard fans in the non-fictional Grammar End.

Fan’s favourite Mugabe, the most partizan, pro-Apostrophes referee in the division by a considerable distance, was once again given the privilege of officiating a Super A’s classic. His occasional blindness and downright cheating proved valuable allies to the noble Apostrophes cause, a venerable fountain of all that is good.

The Super A’s played some delicious, milky hot chocolate football throughout the first half, despite the lack of substitutes and two severe alcohol injuries sustained by Bonell and Stickland. A Farnsworth cannon brought the crowd to its feet, but fans were soon back in their seats following seven goals from YOH FC. Hawkins’ heroics saved further blushes, leaving the players to return to their changing boudoir at half time with a sizable deficit of six onion bag violations.

The Apostrophes adopted a more defensive formation in the second half in attempt to contain the youthful exuberance of their opponents. “It’s an exercise in futility,” the crowd chanted in unison, and so it proved, as YOH FC scored another five. A tidy reply from Bonell brought some cheer to the real life, genuine fans, but it wasn’t enough to stop the Apostrophes falling to their seventh consecutive defeat.

With the squad ravaged by injury and rumours of Hinceman’s big-money transfer to Chelsea, the team will have their work cut out winning the league this season, as is their right by birth, God and the holy ghost of Christopher Reeve.

Sporting Apostrophes remain third from bottom in their bruising first season in Division I. A terrible injustice!

Score: 2-12
Squad: Bonell, Farnsworth, Hawkins, Kimberley, Stickland.
Goals: Bonell (1), Farnsworth (1).

“Fans show their love for the onion bag violations”

With their punishing second season nearing the half way mark, the Super A’s succumbed to the superior fitness and miscellaneous, distracting hairstyles of Los Diablos, losing 10-4.

“It was a cracking game, a bloody corker!” enthused chairman Ernest Borgnine during his regular, post-match coffee enema. “The boys displayed great teamwork and, despite the result going against us, I’m convinced that our beloved sponsor Shaw Tyre & Exhaust Co will acknowledge that we’re making real progress.”

The vast, real life crowd gasped in awe as the Apostrophes superstars took the field in their famous yellow strip. McInerney, chasing Kimberley’s scoring record, headed the team in attack, supported by recent signings Farnsworth and Hinceman in midfield. Lissimore adopted his usual defensive role, whilst Hawkins slipped all ten of his suspiciously adhesive digits into the legendary hand sheathes.

Buoyed by the deafening cheers of the genuine fans, the Super A’s unique “total football” experience commenced at 3pm on the nose, officiated once again by fans’ favourite Mugabe. The Apostrophes stroked the ball around the pitch beautifully, the three-pronged attack of Farnsworth, Hinceman and McInerney proving more successful than a much loved fork, possibly even more so than the trident of a fictional manbeast from the sea.

Inevitably, with no substitutes, good fortune or witchcraft to assist them, the Super A’s were all too soon a goal down courtesy of Los Diablos’ all natural, attacking perm. Delicious responses from Farnsworth and McInerney delighted the crowd, but their mouth-watering efforts weren’t enough to level the score before the half time whistle sounded.

Hawkins and Lissimore reversed roles for the second half, as the team adopted a steely defensive formation. Los Diablos’, visibly agitated by the Super A’s new tactic, repeatedly remonstrated, shouted and even released toxic anal gasses in an attempt to disorientate their opponents. As true gentlemen of the sport, the Apostrophes maintained their composure, good looks and dignity for the remainder of game, adding another two goals for good measure.

Despite their efforts, the Super A’s left the arena for their post-match drinks with The Rolling Stones, P-Diddy and the Pope with the bitter, stinking, poo-ridden taste of defeat stinging their lips like a bee with a particularly potent death-sting.

Sporting Apostrophes remain in 6th position, six points behind Unsung Heroes. A terrible injustice!

Score: 4-10
Squad: Farnsworth, Hawkins, Hinceman, Lissimore, McInerney.
Goals: Farnsworth (2), McInerney (2).

“The fans are like Queen: they want it all and they want it now”

The Super A’s were thrashed ten-nil by Unsung Heroes yesterday, marking a new low for the world famous club.

“We passed the ball about nicely enough” explained chairman Ernest Borgnine. “The only things we lack are tactical nous, fitness, skill, concentration and the sheer will to win. Our beloved sponsor Shaw Tyre & Exhaust Co will be displeased with this result, but I’m sure they’ll acknowledge that the team is moving forward in a very tough division.”

The Apostrophes sported a familiar line-up with the addition of new signing Hinceman, whose $10 million transfer from Baltimore’s Crystal Palace F.C. was completed late last Friday evening. His central midfield role received support from the never-ever-score-again Kimberley, with McInerney leading the line. Hawkins, donning brand new hand sheathes following the horror latex injury suffered in last week’s game, aimed to preserve the integrity of the plywood onion bag, with Lissimore providing defensive cover.

The first half started brightly enough, with the Super A’s stroking the ball about playfully across the pitch, to the delight of the innumerable fans. Unfortunately, their joy was short lived, as the Apostrophes manly, beast-like momentum was savagely castrated by the scythe of mother misfortune. Distraught and confused, further punishment ensued, leaving a disorientated, deflated and tired (though extremely handsome) team to retire to the lavish splendour of their changing boudoir for half time five goals down.

The second half saw no improvement, despite encouraging signs from partizan referee Mugabe, once again given the “I’d kill thousands to do this” privilege of officiating a Super A’s “Classico”. Hawkins and Lissimore switched positions in an attempt to confuse and amaze the infidels, but their efforts proved futile, the game ending a disappointing 10-0 to Unsung Heroes.

Sporting Apostrophes remain pointless, hovering above the bottom of the table by way of goal difference. A terrible injustice!

Score: 0-10
Squad: Hawkins, Hinceman, Kimberley, Lissimore, McInerney.

“McInerney looks bewildered by father’s Adidas tumour”

The eleven-goal thriller against Matraquilhos FC yesterday ended in yet another defeat for the mighty Super A’s.

“It was ugly, up-in-the-air football, the kind that makes a purist sick from his bumhole” cried chairman Ernest Borgnine. “Yet again, concentration was in short supply, and we were punished accordingly. How on earth I’ll explain this to our beloved sponsor Shaw Tyre & Exhaust Co I don’t know.”

The Apostrophes, bolstered by new signings Farnsworth and Lissimore, sported an exciting new line up, to the delight of the capacity crowd. The in-form Turner patrolled the midfield, supported by the out-of-form, never-to-score-again Kimberley and new boy Farnsworth. Defensive duties were in the capable hands of Lissimore, supported by Hawkins, once again donning the famous hand sheathes. Against medical advice, McInerney roamed freely, in defiance of the cruel “static” nickname so often heard from the terraces.

“C’est une Catastrophe!” the crowd cried within moments of the kick-off, when a misunderstanding between Hawkins and Lissimore led to Matraquilhos’ first blood. The infidels soon scored a second, angering the voluminous, real-life, genuine crowd.

The Super A’s lapse of concentration soon passed, replaced by world-class, pass-and-move football that would grace the world’s greatest stadia. In football, like life, beauty must lead to punishment: in this instance, the blow was dealt by McInerney, with seconds of the first half to spare. The team retired to the hot tub a goal down, but with the testes of fate firmly within their baboon-like grasp.

The second half saw the Super A’s repeatedly take the lead thanks to a tidy brace by Farnsworth, plus a goal from Turner and a McInerney penalty. The team threatened to win the match on a number of occasions, but with the clock running down and concentration wavering, the Apostrophes were punished by Matraquilhos, who edged ahead at the death.

Sporting Apostrophes remain precariously close to the foot of the table. A terrible injustice!

Score: 5-6
Squad: Farnsworth, Hawkins, Kimberley, Lissimore, McInerney, Turner.
Goals: Farnsworth (2), McInerney (2), Turner (1).

“The Super A’s African Realtopbonus Soccer Education (A.R.S.E.) programme is sure to reap dividends”

Yesterday’s 12-goal thriller against Rigford Sea-Hawks ended in another tragic defeat for the Super A’s.

“We passed the ball about nicely, but our defensive frailties were exposed yet again” complained chairman Ernest Borgnine. “The boys are blessed with a divine talent, of that I’m certain, but they mustn’t get carried away with showboating when there’s hard manlygraft to be done. How I’ll explain this result to our beloved sponsor Shaw Tyre & Exhaust Co. I just don’t know.”

The Super A’s fielded a galaxy of stars including Bonell, McInerney, Turner (returning from his one-month lay-off) and the on-loan Cameo, to the delight and amazement of the enormous, real-life crowd. With the exception of Hawkins, who once again donned the sheathes of handiness, the team adopted a “freestyle” formation, mixing up their positions in a way that mankind has never before witnessed, and in all probability never will again.

For the first few minutes of the match, the Apostrophes’ unique tactic appeared to work. The team stroked the sphere from player to player with much beauty, evoking cries of “ace,” “manbonus” and even “beefvenom” from the innumerable fans. Things were looking very positive for the Super A’s until the Sea-Hawks, breaking down the left wing, struck the ball past a hapless Hawkins whose digits were looking somewhat less than their adhesive best. A Bonell blast briefly kept the team in the match, but it wasn’t enough to stop the Super A’s retiring to the luxury of their 5-star changing rooms 6-1 down.

With the substitutes bench a barren, lonely place, and with energy levels waning, the Apostrophes could do little to prevent a second half onslaught. Despite some great movement from Bonell and the rejuvenated Turner, with the assistance of some Cameo muscle, the team’s lack of defensive coherence led to further brutal punishment. A bizarre own goal added to the Apostrophes tally, to the delight of the abundant crowd, leaving the team to wind down the clock until referee Robert Mugabe called time with the score at an unacceptable 10-2 to the Sea-Hawks.

For the first time in the club’s history, Sporting Apostrophes climb to seventh in the league table! However, the imbeciles at Powerleague have spelt the team name incorrectly, which is a source of great embarrassment to the team and its beloved sponsor Shaw Tyre & Exhaust Co. A terrible injustice!

Score: 2-10
Squad: Bonell, Cameo, Hawkins, McInerney, Turner.
Goals: Bonell (1) plus one own-goal.

The stars thrill the crowd with their unique brand of “total football”

The Super A’s introduction to Division I football ended in a humiliating 14-1 reverse against Ocean 11 yesterday, to the dismay of the capacity crowd.

“It was like giving a Thalidomide boychild a Chinese burn” wept chairman Ernest Borgnine. “It was a painful result that brings great shame upon our beloved sponsor Shaw Tyre & Exhaust Co.”

A galaxy of stars turned out for the Apostrophes, every one a favourite of the genuine, loyal supporters in the sell-out crowd. “The Wall” McInerney adopted his usual defensive position, guarding the integrity of Hawkins, once again donning the five-fingered mansheathes. Kimberley and Bocchi took responsibility for offensive duties, supplied by an energetic Bonell.

The Super A’s were put to the sword from the first whistle. Ocean 11’s superior passing, shooting, running, fitness, ball control, positional sense, footwear, looks, muscles, skills and mantrickery proved too much. Despite Hawkins’ best efforts, the goal was deflowered within minutes.

The Apostrophes tried to respond with some vintage route one football to no avail, as the goals continued to fly in from all angles. Exhausted, dejected and six-nil down, the team retired to the hot tub at half time to discuss tactics.

The second half proved no better than the first for the mighty Super A’s. A reshuffled line-up saw McInerney and Bocchi switch positions in an attempt to generate more chances, but the triple-glazed window of opportunity was firmly sealed and shuttered, its handle broken off. Bonell and McInerney ventured bravely into Ocean 11’s half seeking some small crumb of footballing comfort; tragically, they received nothing but bitter, faecal crumbs of despair at the departure lounge.

With seconds of the match remaining, McInerney “pounced” to score a consolation goal for Sporting Apostrophes, but it was too little too late, the final score being 14-1 to Ocean 11.

Sporting Apostrophes start their first season in division one at the foot of the table. A terrible injustice!

Score: 1-14
Squad: Bocchi J, Bonell, Hawkins, Kimberley, McInerney.
Goals: McInerney (1).

Bonusotography

Number 11 Kimberley warms up his wayward right foot

Number 9 McInerney punts the ball into orbit

The Super A’s, suffering from exhaustion following their fixture with Unsung Heroes, were hammered 14-5 by Sugary Tea.

Fielding the same line-up as their first “Super Sunday” fixture and with no substitutes, the Apostrophes were always likely to struggle, despite their renowned athleticism.

The match started brightly enough, with Hawkins scoring within five seconds of the kick-off. An injury to Kimberley reduced the team to four men a short while later; the game deteriorated horribly from there, with a tidy hat-trick from McInerney being the only consolation.

Sporting Apostrophes end the season rooted to the bottom of the second division. A terrible injustice!

Score: 5-14
Squad: Bonell, Hawkins, Kimberley, McInerney, Reid.
Goals: Hawkins (1), McInerney (3), Reid (1).

“Very small crowds of very excited fans gathered to watch Reid warm up his very famous right peg on Saturday”

With their bruising first season nearing its end, the Super A’s succumbed to the superior athleticism and coordinating strip of Unsung Heroes, losing a respectable 5-2.

“This victory has brought them a worthy promotion” conceded chairman Ernest Borgnine. “However, I still think we were robbed, the referee was clearly bent, and the ball was under-inflated, no question.”

Sporting Apostrophes, deeply traumatised by the lack of substitutes for their first “Super Sunday”, began the game with a number of fans’ favourites gracing the white astroturf. Hawkins hoped to continue his fine form with the hand sheathes, protected by the immobile defensive wall of McInerney. Kimberley, fed by midfield wizard Bonell, aimed to add to his impressive haul of goals this season, with the help of Reid, on loan from Aston Villa.

The Super A’s stroked the ball around admirably, probing the Unsung Heroes for obvious vulnerabilities. Upon finding they had none, the Apostrophes found themselves under the hammer. The defensive heroics of Hawkins and “static” McInerney could only save the virginal dignity of the onion bag for the first ten minutes, before Unsung Heroes opened their account with two near identical goals. Sporting Apostrophes replied with a genuine wonder goal from Sweden’s Bonell followed by a Reid rocket, but it wasn’t enough to stop the team returning to the palatial splendour of their dressing room at half time a goal behind.

With energy in short supply and the substitutes bench unoccupied, the Super A’s fortunes waned as the second half progressed. The team laboured on, searching for opportunities, the vocal crowd willing them to overturn the one goal deficit. Despite their brave efforts, the boney, death-finger of exhaustion tapped each player on the shoulder, allowing Unsung Heroes to add a brace to their account.

“Kimberley’s left his shooting boots at home,” sighed one season ticket holder upon leaving the stadium. “So much for the ‘in-form’ striker tag!”

Sporting Apostrophes prop up the table with a miserly, Mugabe-like three points. A terrible injustice!

Score: 2-5
Squad: Bonell, Hawkins, Kimberley, McInerney, Reid.
Goals: Bonell (1), Reid (1).