Match Report: Sporting Apostrophes vs U.B.O.C.
“Kimberley strides to victory”
The ever-robust U.B.O.C. put in a spirited performance last Sunday, but it wasn’t enough to halt the well-oiled Sporting Apostrophes machine.
“Another solid performance, another 3 points on the board,” chairman Ernest Borgnine boasted, his delight evident from beaming smile on his anus. “Every match this season has been Rosie Gaines, but we’re feasting on the onion more than ever before. We must keep up the momentum in the coming weeks, as there are tough fixtures on the horizon.”
Fans’ forums were ablaze all week with rumours of a return for Sweden’s Bonell, following his premature retirement at the end of season IV. Their hopes were confirmed when a blonde-headed figure appeared from the tunnel, as a progressive rock mega-mix blared from the stadium tannoy.
“Vill du ha lök? Jag ger er lök!” Bonell promised the die-hard fans in the Grammar End.
The Swede was joined by Portugal’s Pacheco, the only Super A’s player to have appeared in every match of the season to date. Hinceman followed, the American eager to build on his improbable hat-trick against Team Wang. Columbia’s Correa came next, last season’s top scorer, hoping to open his season VI account. From The Land That Goals Forgot, Stickland joined the assembled throng, leaving Hawkins, of dubious origin, to complete the Apostrophes line-up.
A 60-minute montage of Sporting Apostrophes’ greatest moments was broadcast before kick-off to celebrate the team’s 70th match. Fans openly wept, through pride rather than shame, as a list of achievements rolled across the JumboTron screen:
“Played 69; won 18; drawn 4; lost 47; scored 288; conceded 493…”
With the celebrations out of the way, U.B.O.C. kicked off the first tranche.
“Målbur!” roared the fans, as Bonell chalked up his third goal in four appearances against U.B.O.C., a sweet drive from the edge of the box. Pacheco made it two, but the Apostrophes lust for onion left them vulnerable, allowing their opponents to punish them on the break. Tempers flared as the game descended into an ugly, handbag-ridden meat-fest, before referee Gillespie blew for oranges.
The Sporting Apostrophes half-time talk was inspiring, evoking vivid images of the final days of Christopher Reeve. Suitably motivated, the team resolved to make amends for the disappointing prequel. Correa stepped up to the plate with a fine hat-trick, his third for the world famous club. Hinceman and Stickland added T-bone and rump respectively, leaving Pacheco to complete his brace. Hawkins tended goal with aplomb, despite his life-threatening shoulder injury, as the Apostrophes proceeded to dominate the final quarter. The final kick of the game was a U.B.O.C. violation, but for the fifth week in a row, the Super A’s had come from behind to quaff Pimm’s from the victor’s Thermos.
Sporting Apostrophes remain the only unbeaten team in division II, their unblemished record as moving as a nativity play in a special school. A terrible injustice!
Score: 6-4
Squad: Bonell, Correa, Hawkins, Hinceman, Pacheco, Stickland.
Goals: Correa (3), Pacheco (2), Bonell (1).