Sporting Apostrophes

Pele's love-children finally unite!

Posted on October 15, 2008

Hand Sheath Wizardry

Posted under Press releases

Book Hand Sheath Wizardry

Hand sheath magician Hawkins’ first book on the artistry and science of onion bag defending is due to hit bookshelves worldwide from Monday 20th October. Topics include:

  • Sheath selection, maintenance and pull-out sizing chart.
  • Polyester – “it’s just better”.
  • Diving left or right – how to get it right 100% of the time, every time.
  • Coveting balls – fantasy and reality.
  • Opponents – know your enema.
  • Penalties – why they’re unjust, how to save them 100% of the time, every time.
  • Mind games – arouse your opponent with one lingering stare.
  • Elbows – the gift from God.
  • Underwear dilemmas and testicular support.

Priced at just €29,99, the book is an extraordinary bargain that’s not to be missed.

7 Responses to “Hand Sheath Wizardry”

  1. Midnight Beardsley Says:

    “This book has revolutionised my life! My testicular is now perfectly supported!”

  2. Midnight Beardsley Says:

    “My copy has just arrived and I haven’t read it, but it’s very heavy and I will use it to brutalise onrushing opponents”

  3. Does that price include delivery?

  4. Midnight Beardsley Says:

    “My copy has just arrived and I HAVE read it – WOW! I had no idea sheath-wielding was so graphically sexual! Put your copy in the toilet – now!”

  5. Looks like the hand-sheatherereer has been chosen for this week then. Static now knows all the tricks of the trade.

  6. Well, it wasn’t textbook and it was certainly minus hand sheathes, but young simon did a fine job in the great one’s absence. Huzzah!

  7. […] author of the definitive guide to the art, science and majesty of 5-a-side goalkeeping, has made 54 appearances for the Super A’s: an all-time club record. Fans refer to him as […]