Sporting Apostrophes

“Hawkins and Kimberley always fly top-bonus class on the Super A’s private jet”

The following players will be lining up for the Super A’s against Oceans 11 next Sunday:

Bonell
Hinceman
McInerney
Stickland
Turner

Regulars Hawkins and Kimberley will miss this crucial tie due to promotional duties at the opening of Shaw Reifen und Auspuff Kompany in Berlin).

Due to the number of injuries and holidays, players are strongly encouraged to recruit additional “talent” in the hope of populating the substitutes kayak.

“Onanism and bestiality: the unforgiving road to recovery offers no dignity”

Sporting Apostrophes’ list of casualties continues to grow following news that Italian defender Bocchi’s knee surgery will keep him on the sidelines until 2009 at the earliest.

“He’s a Tottenham fan, what did you expect?” sighed chairman Ernest Borgnine upon hearing the news. “I’m going to have to go to Shaw Tyre & Exhaust Co, cap in one hand, balls in the other.”

“Kimberley’s left foot, like the memory of his last goal, is nothing but a blur”

Last Sunday’s thrilling Division I fixture against unbeaten, unbeatable table-toppers YOH FC ended in yet another entirely unexpected defeat for the Super A’s.

“They were tastier than Brian Blessed in a fist fight with a measles-ridden orphan” wept chairman Ernest Borgnine. “They really took us to school and bummed us in the broom cupboard, right proper hard up the bottom. How I’ll explain this to our beloved sponsor Shaw Tyre & Exhaust Co I just don’t know.“

Season ticket holders rubbed their eyes and penises in disbelief as long-term absentee Stickland led out the team, making his debut appearance in Apostrophes’ famous yellow. “It’s an honour to wear the number 15 shirt for this club,” Stickland announced, whilst kissing the badge, the sponsor’s logo, the collar and cuffs of his shirt, with what some might call an unflattering amount of tongue usage.

The crowd roared as Stickland was followed out of the ivory and marble tunnel by Bonell, back from his sojourn in Sweden. The in-form Farnsworth somersaulted onto the hallowed turf, as chief hand sheath exponent Hawkins dazzled fans with his one-man interpretation of Jackson’s “Thriller” video. The crowd’s roar fell to a deathly whisper as Kimberley took to the field, his lack of goals a source of great concern to die-hard fans in the non-fictional Grammar End.

Fan’s favourite Mugabe, the most partizan, pro-Apostrophes referee in the division by a considerable distance, was once again given the privilege of officiating a Super A’s classic. His occasional blindness and downright cheating proved valuable allies to the noble Apostrophes cause, a venerable fountain of all that is good.

The Super A’s played some delicious, milky hot chocolate football throughout the first half, despite the lack of substitutes and two severe alcohol injuries sustained by Bonell and Stickland. A Farnsworth cannon brought the crowd to its feet, but fans were soon back in their seats following seven goals from YOH FC. Hawkins’ heroics saved further blushes, leaving the players to return to their changing boudoir at half time with a sizable deficit of six onion bag violations.

The Apostrophes adopted a more defensive formation in the second half in attempt to contain the youthful exuberance of their opponents. “It’s an exercise in futility,” the crowd chanted in unison, and so it proved, as YOH FC scored another five. A tidy reply from Bonell brought some cheer to the real life, genuine fans, but it wasn’t enough to stop the Apostrophes falling to their seventh consecutive defeat.

With the squad ravaged by injury and rumours of Hinceman’s big-money transfer to Chelsea, the team will have their work cut out winning the league this season, as is their right by birth, God and the holy ghost of Christopher Reeve.

Sporting Apostrophes remain third from bottom in their bruising first season in Division I. A terrible injustice!

Score: 2-12
Squad: Bonell, Farnsworth, Hawkins, Kimberley, Stickland.
Goals: Bonell (1), Farnsworth (1).

2.20pm kick-off, Sunday 24th August 2008 at Powerleague Old Street.

Please leave a comment indicating your availability for this exciting Super A’s fixture.

“Hinceman on international duty for Soccerball Team USA”

“I can’t wait to get my teeth into YOH FC on Sunday,” Hinceman announced to the throng of paparazzi outside the Apostrophes training theme park. “OK, so they’re unbeaten, and the bookies have us at odds of 250-1, but that’s just statistics and gay witchcraft.”

Nobody at the club could confirm the exact meaning of the term “gay witchcraft” at the time of going to press.

“Behold the abundance of pitch girth and non-indoors goodness”

Tabloid rumours suggest that the Super A’s will be transferring to Powerleague City next season, just a 5-minute walk from Powerleague Old Street.

“The pitches are much wider, and, as they have a second tier, the Apostrophes will thrive amongst poor quality teams,” noted one season ticket holder, who appeared unfazed at the prospect of watching the Super A’s at a different arena. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting that they’re anything other than heroically uber-boss and brilliant,” he added.

Chairman Ernest Borgnine was unavailable for comment.

“The team work up a sinister, un-Godly sweat in their 100% polyester, non-breathable training tops purchased by the almighty Shaw Tyre & Exhaust Co. From left to right: Farnsworth, Bonell, Hawkins, Kimberley, McInerney, Turner”

Fans’ favourite Bonell is scheduled to return following his 3-match absence. The Swedish dynamo will be joined by long-term injury victim Stickland, who will don the famous yellow jersey for the first time having recovered from his knee badness.

Left back legend Lissimore will be out for a number of weeks following the toe breakage terror suffered during Sunday’s game against Los Diablos. Turner will be keeping him company on the sidelines for another week of recuperation.

Hopeless, hapless, handicapped striker Kimberley returns from his completely undeserved holiday with a point to prove. Free-scoring “hotshot” McInerney is being rested for this crucial tie, thereby gifting the equally potent Farnsworth the opportunity to add to his impressive goal tally.

Hawkins is expected to shield his precious fingers from the leather brutality of the size 5 once again, with Hinceman lining up for another impressive midfield performance.

Probable line-up for Sunday’s clash with table-toppers YOH:

Bonell
Farnsworth
Hawkins
Hinceman
Kimberley
Stickland

“Fans show their love for the onion bag violations”

With their punishing second season nearing the half way mark, the Super A’s succumbed to the superior fitness and miscellaneous, distracting hairstyles of Los Diablos, losing 10-4.

“It was a cracking game, a bloody corker!” enthused chairman Ernest Borgnine during his regular, post-match coffee enema. “The boys displayed great teamwork and, despite the result going against us, I’m convinced that our beloved sponsor Shaw Tyre & Exhaust Co will acknowledge that we’re making real progress.”

The vast, real life crowd gasped in awe as the Apostrophes superstars took the field in their famous yellow strip. McInerney, chasing Kimberley’s scoring record, headed the team in attack, supported by recent signings Farnsworth and Hinceman in midfield. Lissimore adopted his usual defensive role, whilst Hawkins slipped all ten of his suspiciously adhesive digits into the legendary hand sheathes.

Buoyed by the deafening cheers of the genuine fans, the Super A’s unique “total football” experience commenced at 3pm on the nose, officiated once again by fans’ favourite Mugabe. The Apostrophes stroked the ball around the pitch beautifully, the three-pronged attack of Farnsworth, Hinceman and McInerney proving more successful than a much loved fork, possibly even more so than the trident of a fictional manbeast from the sea.

Inevitably, with no substitutes, good fortune or witchcraft to assist them, the Super A’s were all too soon a goal down courtesy of Los Diablos’ all natural, attacking perm. Delicious responses from Farnsworth and McInerney delighted the crowd, but their mouth-watering efforts weren’t enough to level the score before the half time whistle sounded.

Hawkins and Lissimore reversed roles for the second half, as the team adopted a steely defensive formation. Los Diablos’, visibly agitated by the Super A’s new tactic, repeatedly remonstrated, shouted and even released toxic anal gasses in an attempt to disorientate their opponents. As true gentlemen of the sport, the Apostrophes maintained their composure, good looks and dignity for the remainder of game, adding another two goals for good measure.

Despite their efforts, the Super A’s left the arena for their post-match drinks with The Rolling Stones, P-Diddy and the Pope with the bitter, stinking, poo-ridden taste of defeat stinging their lips like a bee with a particularly potent death-sting.

Sporting Apostrophes remain in 6th position, six points behind Unsung Heroes. A terrible injustice!

Score: 4-10
Squad: Farnsworth, Hawkins, Hinceman, Lissimore, McInerney.
Goals: Farnsworth (2), McInerney (2).

2.20pm kick-off, Sunday 17th August 2008 at Powerleague Old Street.

Please leave a comment indicating your availability for this exciting Super A’s fixture.

3pm kick-off, Sunday 10th August 2008 at Powerleague Old Street.

“The fans are like Queen: they want it all and they want it now”

The Super A’s were thrashed ten-nil by Unsung Heroes yesterday, marking a new low for the world famous club.

“We passed the ball about nicely enough” explained chairman Ernest Borgnine. “The only things we lack are tactical nous, fitness, skill, concentration and the sheer will to win. Our beloved sponsor Shaw Tyre & Exhaust Co will be displeased with this result, but I’m sure they’ll acknowledge that the team is moving forward in a very tough division.”

The Apostrophes sported a familiar line-up with the addition of new signing Hinceman, whose $10 million transfer from Baltimore’s Crystal Palace F.C. was completed late last Friday evening. His central midfield role received support from the never-ever-score-again Kimberley, with McInerney leading the line. Hawkins, donning brand new hand sheathes following the horror latex injury suffered in last week’s game, aimed to preserve the integrity of the plywood onion bag, with Lissimore providing defensive cover.

The first half started brightly enough, with the Super A’s stroking the ball about playfully across the pitch, to the delight of the innumerable fans. Unfortunately, their joy was short lived, as the Apostrophes manly, beast-like momentum was savagely castrated by the scythe of mother misfortune. Distraught and confused, further punishment ensued, leaving a disorientated, deflated and tired (though extremely handsome) team to retire to the lavish splendour of their changing boudoir for half time five goals down.

The second half saw no improvement, despite encouraging signs from partizan referee Mugabe, once again given the “I’d kill thousands to do this” privilege of officiating a Super A’s “Classico”. Hawkins and Lissimore switched positions in an attempt to confuse and amaze the infidels, but their efforts proved futile, the game ending a disappointing 10-0 to Unsung Heroes.

Sporting Apostrophes remain pointless, hovering above the bottom of the table by way of goal difference. A terrible injustice!

Score: 0-10
Squad: Hawkins, Hinceman, Kimberley, Lissimore, McInerney.

“Kimberley takes the ‘rubbish’ tag literally”

Fans’ forums are ablaze with transfer rumours following out-of-form striker Kimberley’s miserable run of 5 games with no goals.

“He’s rubbish, like some sort of sick Jan Molby / Heather Mills hybrid,” complained one visibly upset season ticket holder. “There’s ample support from midfield and he’s not been short of chances. I just don’t understand what’s going on.”

Kimberley has been linked with several Major League clubs who covet his questionable work ethic and willingness to be substituted.

“Kimberley’s ‘back-to-third-world-basics’ training regime is of dubious merit”