Sporting Apostrophes

“Borgnine, Bono and Bonell sip onion juice and talk about very important things”

Sporting Apostrophes’ “Player Aid” was officially launched today amid a blaze of publicity. With just four confirmed players for next Sunday’s clash with El Paso, this high-profile campaign aims to ensure the world’s favourite team fields a minimum of five players.

“I’m tired of the Africans moaning, and I’m up to my Phil Collins in so-called ‘green issues’ and this carbon nonsense that’s poisoning the orphans,” raved Bono, a life-long Super A’s fan. “Marvin Gaye was right: this world truly is a Great Big Onion, and the only thing that can keep it in orbit is some sweet, tippy-tappy goodness from the Apostrophes.”

Lend your support to this worthy campaign by nominating yourself for greatness next Sunday!

“Turner’s limbs are even darker than the team’s prospects this season”

A hailstorm of low denomination coins and discarded season tickets rained down upon the Apostrophes legends following Sunday’s debacle against U.B.O.C.

“Oh, good God, can we get any worse?” wondered chairman Ernest Borgnine. “It was a comedy of errors. We’re the laughing stock of this division, but I have to be positive. Onwards and upwards, like a penis-pink toboggan travelling in reverse, that’s what I say.”

The driving rain was enough to darken the mood of the hardiest of homosapiens, but the Super A’s, being the creamiest, most handsome examples of their species, were unfazed by Mother Nature’s incontinence.

Hawkins, carrying a dangerous “lesbian shoulder” injury, took to the field, with the diminutive Kimberley on his shoulders. Next came Hinceman, a newly shorn McInerney just visible in his giant hands.

“What is this madness?” wondered the fans.

“I get it, I get it!” cried one particularly astute fan, who proceeded to explain his theory to his peers. “They’re taking to the field in order of appearances, but as some players are tied in this respect, they’re morally obliged to grace the astroturf simultaneously!”

The quartet were immediately followed by Turner, his 22 appearances just shy of Hinceman and McInerney’s tally of 23. Next came Wessely, just one match behind, with Lissimore having amassed a very respectable 17 since his debut last July.

From start to finish, the match was a sphincter-wrenching carousel of chopped onion, to the dismay of the capacity crowd. Sporting Apostrophes appeared listless; confused; like a man without the tear-jerking power of onion in his soul. U.B.O.C. took full advantage, as they raped and pillaged, feasting on the vulnerability of the Apostrophes.

Referee John Candy ended the onslaught with his gristle whistle, leaving the Apostrophes to return to their luxurious changing facilities, dejected and beaten, dazed and confused.

“15 goals!” sighed one tearful fan upon leaving the stadium. “That’s even more vicious than the recipe dealt to us by the chocolate tsunami off Oceans 11, and I’ll be buggered if U.B.O.C. are anywhere near that level.”

Sporting Apostrophes reach the halfway point of season IV with little to celebrate: a poor points haul, negative goal difference and a sponsor in liquidation. A terrible injustice!

Score: 3-15
Squad: Hawkins, Hinceman, Kimberley, Lissimore, McInerney, Turner, Wessely.
Goals: Hawkins (1), McInerney (1) plus one own goal by U.B.O.C.

2.20pm kick-off, Sunday 15th March 2009 at Powerleague London City.

Please leave a comment indicating your availability for this unmissable Super A’s fixture.

3pm kick-off, Sunday 8th March 2009 at Powerleague London City.

Please leave a comment indicating your availability for this unmissable Super A’s fixture.

“Hawkins’ poor performance leaves fans questioning his sanity”

The Super A’s quaffed at the filthy trough of defeat once again, succumbing to a 8-5 defeat at the hands of Real So So Bad.

“Unbelievable!” chairman Ernest Borgnine complained, frustrated at the team’s lack of progress. “Real So So Bad are the most feminine, delicate, she-weakling team of man-boys in the league, and we let them beat us again! What’s that all about, eh?” he questioned, circling the assembled press, his dukes aloft, primed for combat, goading, willing them to attack, longing for the blood of an innocent to cleanse the innumerable sins from his black soul.

Wearing their flattering blue jerseys for only the second team, Sporting Apostrophes took to the field with a predictably handsome line-up consisting of Hawkins, “terrorist” Farnsworth, Hinceman, Kimberley, Stickland, making his first appearance of the season, and Turner, back from promotional duties in the far east (Stratford).

John Candy, blessed with the privilege of officiating the Apostrophes for the second week in a row, enjoyed a delicious spectacle of home cooked football from the first whistle. A flurry of delicate, souffle passing was digested with all the vim and vigour it warranted, culminating in a Michelin Starred onion bag violation from Hinceman. The Super A’s were soon three goals to the good, leaving a flummoxed Real So So Bad chasing thin air, like a watery, French onion soup made in a special school home economics class.

Part deux was a gastronomic catastrophy of epic proportions, a sickening concoction from the worst third world kitchen. Hawkins’ Yorkshire pudding remained lank, sunken, pathetic; an unseemly spectacle for a sheathmaster general. Too many cooks made light work of the rolling moss, leaving fans to question the team’s commitment, tactics, and even more worryingly, hair styles in some cases.

Sporting Apostrophes ability to defend a lead is still notable by its absence. A terrible injustice!

Score: 5-8
Squad: Farnsworth, Hawkins, Hinceman, Kimberley, Stickland, Turner.
Goals: Farnsworth (1), Hinceman (2), Kimberley (1), Turner (1).

“Kimberley turns on the Chelmsley style”

Sporting Apostrophes’ new squad numbers for season IV:

1. Hawkins
2. Turner
3. Stickland
4. Wessely
7. Farnsworth
8. Bonell
9. McInerney
10. Lissimore
14. Kimberley
16. Hinceman

1.40pm kick-off, Sunday 1st March 2009 at Powerleague London City.

Please leave a comment indicating your availability for this unmissable Super A’s fixture.

“Hinceman’s tackling is as effective as it is unorthodox”

It was all square for the Apostrophes in Sunday’s full-bloodied encounter with old rivals Green Park.

“We should have taken all three points” complained chairman Ernest Borgnine, his eagerness to please Sadlier-Ward evident by the erection protruding from his trousers. “It’s imperative that we beat last season’s tally of ten points in the first half of the season – we’ll need a minimum of four points from the next two games to do so.”

Hawkins and Kimberley, sporting the Super A’s brand new jersey, took to the field to much hand-clappy applause for the team’s historic 40th match. Midfield “wizard” Wessely waltzed behind them, as Lissimore appeared, willing and unsheathed. Hinceman, the “Beast from Baltimore” soon followed, accompanied by Farnsworth, his insatiable appetite for onion causing him to foam at the mouth like a rabies-ridden chihuahua.

“Curse the record-breaking speed of your violation!” cried supporters in unison, as Sporting Apostrophes went a goal down within the first ten seconds.

Like a wounded animal, Sporting Apostrophes fought back, baring tooth and claw. A pair of sumptuous onion bag violations were delivered by the ever-reliable “terrorist” Farnsworth and Wessley, giving the Super A’s the deserved lead that God and Mother Nature intended. The fans cried for more, as the team tried to prise more opportunities from their thuggish opponents.

“Punish them!” roared the fans, but the smell of onion was a distant, imprecise Xerox of the bonafide goalmouth aroma.

Referee John Candy pursed his curiously feminine lips and blew hard on his whistle to mark the end of Part Un, with the world famous Apostrophes defending a 2-1 lead.

The second half was an aggressive, angry affair – a departure from the Apostrophes’ usual sexball so beloved of supporters. Despite leading on a number of occasions, the Super A’s found themselves 5-4 down, thanks to a combination of waning stamina and incredibly poor judgment.

“Cease the injustice!” Farnsworth shouted, as he fired the ball into Green Park’s net, completing his fourth hat-trick of the season and sparing the team’s blushes.

With the scores level at 5-5, John Candy blew hard on his whistle once more, leaving the Super A’s to reflect upon wasted chances and the ghost of Christopher Reeve. A terrible injustice!

Score: 5-5
Squad: Farnsworth, Hawkins, Hinceman, Kimberley, Lissimore, Wessely.
Goals: Farnsworth (3), Wessely (2).

McInerney and Jamiroquai present the definitive guide to standing still, goal scoring and jazz funk. Topics include:

• Choosing a good place to stand (includes interactive pull-out map).
• Walking, jogging and running – a trio of crimes worse than rape.
• Achieving a Zen state without neglecting the onion.
• Minimising effort – techniques, how it will prolong your career indefinitely.
• Defending – myths, rumours and why it is pointless.
• Jaco Pastorious discography.
• How to masturbate whilst playing bass guitar.

Priced at just €29,99, the book is an extraordinary bargain that’s not to be missed.

1.40pm kick-off, Sunday 22nd February 2009 at Powerleague London City.

Please leave a comment indicating your availability for this unmissable Super A’s fixture.

“Farnsworth completes his astonishing halfdozerlation (A.K.A. double hat trick) in style”

Sunday’s thrilling match against Team Wang ended in a resounding victory for the Super A’s.

“A fantastic win – the perfect way to celebrate our new sponsorship deal!” chairman Ernest Borgnine enthused, despite ongoing rumours that Sadlier-Ward have entered administration. “Farnsworth’s incredible, record-breaking 6-goal haul was the Smarties, hundreds and thousands, egg, bacon, fillet steak, whipped cream and icing on the surprisingly savoury cake.”

Sporting Apostrophes’ latest emphatic victory leaves them entrenched in fourth spot, denying them the promotion spot that is theirs by divine right. A terrible injustice!

Score: 9-3
Squad: Farnsworth, Hinceman, Kimberley, Lissimore, McInerney, Turner, Wessely.
Goals: Farnsworth (6), McInerney (1) + own goals (2).