Sporting Apostrophes

2.20pm kick-off, Sunday 26th April 2009 at Powerleague London City.

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2.20pm kick-off, Sunday 19th January 2009 at Powerleague London City.

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“Hawkins’ sheathed displays have made him a transfer target”

Super Sunday proved to be less than super for the Super A’s, who supped at the soup of defeat for their supper, Green Park the maître d’.

“What were we supposed to do?” protested Ernest Borgnine, his nostrils flaring with rage. “They had hundreds of players – hundreds! With just four legends fit and available we were always going to struggle, and didn’t we just!”

The Super A’s, weary from their molestation at the hands of Team Wang, fielded the same line-up for Super Sunday, part deux.

“Witness the fitness!” chanted the fans, amazed at the spectacle of five grown men willing to participate in physical activity for more than an hour.

Hawkins, having made an awe-inspiring, winning cameo appearance for division I relegation candidates Lethal Bum, was singled out for additional praise by fans in the Grammar End:

“He’s taaaalllll….
an albino aaaape…
his hands are made…. of Sellotape
Haww..kiiinnnssss….
Haww..kiiinnnssss….”

Blessed as Diana and the Ghost of Christopher Reeve, a youthful Spike Lee was delirious with joy at the prospect of witnessing more Apostrophes magic at close-hand, as he blew his whistle to proceed with the ripening of the banana.

Sporting Apostrophes’ hopes of an improbable victory were soon dashed by Green Park, as their innumerable army of players ran riot, chasing the sphere, poking it, stabbing it like a Hackney schoolboy. The banana was a rich mustard colour by the time Sporting tasted onion, courtesy of the ageless McInerney, who scored his second brace of the day.

With the blackened banana weeping its innards onto the astroturf, Apostolov added a consolation violation, but the sphincter-tearing, grenade-like suppository of defeat was once again thrust into the Apostrophes, who suffered their seventh successive defeat.

With just two matches remaining in season IV, Sporting Apostrophes remain rooted to the foot of division II. A terrible injustice!

Score: 4-13
Squad: Apostolov, Hawkins, Hinceman, Kimberley, McInerney.
Goals: Apostolov (1), McInerney (2) + one one goal.

“Kimberley, McInerney and Hinceman deploy their famous goal celebration dubbed ‘touch no evil, smell some evil, pray for evil’. It’s origins can be traced back to the Godless ‘Onion Ages’.”

Like the primal scream of a motherless Aborigine, Sporting Apostrophes’ anguish pierced the hearts of despondent fans, as the team fell to their sixth successive defeat in Sunday’s encounter with Team Wang.

“We’re like a snowman in the desert – nothing but carrot and coal” opined chairman Ernest Borgnine, following yet another Super A’s mauling. “With a sponsor in liquidation and a threadbare squad divided by the colours blue and yellow, one can’t help but wonder whether we’ll make it to season V.”

A predictably slimline Sporting Apostrophes line-up took to the field, the smell of substitutes as distant and intangible as a spider’s fart. McInerney returned for his third consecutive appearance, along with Hinceman, making his landmark 25th appearance for the world famous club. The long-suffering Hawkins and Kimberley soon followed, joined by loan signing Apostolov, eager to demonstrate his Bulgarian flair to the capacity crowd.

New referee Spike Lee was tasked with officiating a “Super A’s Classico” on his debut: an incredible privilege, an unforgettable experience that will surely last a lifetime. His nerves were evident by his preoccupation with untied laces, and his curious assertion that one must blow for head height lower than a midget’s pubes, but these minor details could not detract from his youthful, whistle-blowing exuberance.

The first slice was removed from the oven prematurely, as the Super A’s found themselves choking on enemy onion after just five minutes.

“Please, we implore you, take the game to them!” cried the impatient fans.

Sporting Apostrophes’ unfamiliar ingredients made for an uncomfortable ensemble, and, with no condiments, relish was in short supply, leaving the team trailing by four goals at half time.

The second slice was more mature, more flavoursome, but still, the fans’ appetite for onion was not satiated adequately. A tidy brace from McInerney and a few well executed fouls from Hinceman were the only cause for muted celebration, progressing to covert onanism, as referee Spike Lee brought the game to its inevitable conclusion with the Apostrophes trailing 8-2.

The Super A’s languish at the bottom of division II, their promotion campaign in ruins. A terrible injustice!

Score: 2-8
Squad: Apostolov, Hawkins, Hinceman, Kimberley, McInerney.
Goals: McInerney (2).

“A distraught Sporting Apostrophes fan kneels before Bonell”

Apostrophes legend Bonell has announced his retirement at the end of the season.

“It’s been a privilege playing for the greatest team the world has ever known, and I’m grateful to the fans for their indefatigable support,” he enthused, weeping tears from both his eyes and his penis. “After much soul searching, followed by an anguished, fist-clenching dump, I’ve finally come to the realisation that it’s time for me to pursue other interests. I may, however, return for the occasional exhibition match, to remind fans how great Swede and onion taste together.”

An original Apostrophe, the cultured Scandinavian made his debut in the Super A’s very first match at Powerleague Old Street against the now defunct Sugary Teas. Bonell proceeded to wear the famous jersey a total of 19 times, making him the eighth most capped player in the team’s history. The versatile midfielder demonstrated a healthy appetite for onion, scoring a very respectable 9 goals, winning the coveted man-of-the-match award on five occasions.

Bonell, ever the entertainer, saved the best for last, making arguably his finest appearance for the Apostrophes in his last game, scoring 2 goals and earning the man-of-the-match gong.

“He’ll never be forgotten,” added an emotional chairman Ernest Borgnine, the mastermind behind Bonell’s transfer to the world famous club. “We wish him the very best with his future endeavours.”

To view Bonell’s Sporting Apostrophes player profile, please click here.

“Stickland and Hinceman run to congratulate Kimberley on his delicious onion bag violation”

The Jocks of One Flew Into The Keepers Net unleashed their “Tartan Tsunami” upon the Super A’s for the fifth time in Sunday’s exciting division II encounter, as the team ran out to a somewhat flattering 8-3 victory.

“Barring a miracle they’re guaranteed promotion now,” chairman Ernest Borgnine conceded, a copy of the league table clenched firmly between his taut buttocks. “Full credit to them, they’re unbeaten, having punished all comers with the explosive force of their haggis facial.”

Sporting Apostrophes boasted a talent-packed, half dozen line-up: truly a sight for the stinging, piss-sore eyes of the innumerable fans present, having been subjected to a threadbare slice of the famous Super A’s quiche far too often in recent weeks.

Fans roared their approval as “terrorist” Farnsworth appeared from the players’ tunnel, his landmark fiftieth goal fast approaching. McInerney followed, his declining strike rate evidence of the cruel inevitability of Old Father Time. Stickland joined them, fully recovered from the humiliating 18-2 rape at the hands of El Paso, along with Kimberley, his debilitating facial alopecia and mystery hand growths a source of concern on the terraces. The “Beast from Baltimore”, back from his mid-season skiing break, was next to grace the astroturf, along with hand sheath fetishist Hawkins, making his record-breaking 35th appearance for the Super A’s.

Following a brief team talk on the virtues of heterosexuality by referee John Candy, Sporting kicked off the match, onion compass calibrated, the scent filling each and every one of their dozen nostrils.

“Show them no mercy!” the crowd screamed, in defiance of the Super A’s defensive generosity that would make the corpse of Mother Theresa blush like an atomic Belisha beacon.

Sporting Apostrophes stroked the ball across the astroturf with much beauty and tippy-tappy goodness, despite the absence of midfield maestros Turner and Wessely. Against the run of play, and the will of God, One Flew Into The Keepers Net poked the sphere past Hawkins, drawing first blood, but the Apostrophes replied with a prime fillet from “terrorist” Farnsworth. Like Krankies possessed, the Jocks responded swiftly to restore their lead, but Kimberley levelled the scores with a poacher’s goal, his third of the season.

“There’s only one Kim-ber-leeee…. four-tune-at-lee,” sang the crowd, hoping for an unexpected victory against the table-toppers.

Fans hopes were dashed by a tidy brace from the Scots, before the referee blew long, lovingly and hard on his cherished whistle to bring down the curtain on the first act.

Part II delivered just as much drama and passion as its well received predecessor. Muscular defending by Hinceman and Stickland, combined with some spectacular feats of walking and shouting by “static” McInerney, promised to reap rewards for the world’s favourite football team. A Farnsworth cannon brought hope of an improbable comeback, but the Jocks, on gas mark five, punished the Super A’s with the intoxicating fumes of the previous night’s indulgence.

“Peeeeeeeeep!” went the referee’s whistle, leaving the Apostrophes to reflect upon chances missed and The Curse Of The Blue Shirts in the luxurious surroundings of their unique Male Grooming and Fitness Complex.

With the end of the season fast approaching, Sporting Apostrophes are yet again languishing in seventh place, a mere point above old rivals Team Wang. A terrible injustice!

Score: 3-8
Squad: Farnsworth, Hawkins, Hinceman, Kimberley, McInerney, Stickland.
Goals: Farnsworth (2), Kimberley (1).

Yes, It’s another double-header Super Sunday!

1pm and 2.20pm kick-off, Sunday 5th April 2009 at Powerleague London City.

Please leave a comment indicating your availability for this unmissable Super A’s fixture.

“McInerney sports a black armband in remembrance of Jade Goody, whose incredible life was worth more than Jesus, Mother Theresa, Christopher Reeve and Jan Molby combined.”

The bittersweet smell of sautéed onions was carried far, far away by the wind following Sporting Apostrophes’ sixth loss of the season at the hands of Dynamo Kebab. Like a photocopier bereft of toner, the Super A’s paper tray was yet again a barren, lonely place, the subject of much ridicule and shame.

“We played some good football, but, light on players yet again, we struggled to deploy our lethal inverse diamond W-M-M-W 2-1-1 wing-back, man-in-the-hole formation” complained chairman Ernest Borgnine, his patience, like the seat of his trousers, wearing very, very thin. “Some blame the blue shirt, but it goes deeper than that. As the old saying goes, ‘He who tires of onion, tires of life’.”

With McInerney stuck in traffic, Sporting Apostrophes kicked off the first half with an abbreviated line-up, a slender, Karen Carpenter formation consisting of Bonell, Farnsworth, Hawkins and Turner. Dynamo Kebab made the most of their numerical advantage, violating the Super A’s onion bag like a Rotherhithe cab driver. Bonell responded almost immediately, before McInerney took to the field with the scores level.

“Punish them!” screamed the fans, traumatised by the Apostrophes disappointing league position.

With the fans encouragement ringing in their ears, Sporting Apostrophes took their opponents on the footballing equivalent of a rendition flight, using every method of punishment available in their considerable arsenal. Unfortunately, this wasn’t enough, leaving the teams to end the first half with Dynamo having a lead no larger than Ronnie Corbett’s smaller brother.

Referee John Candy commenced the second half with the Super A’s in determined mood, resulting in an immediate violation and the succulent aroma of onion, addictive like heroin, moreish as a rich tea biscuit. The capacity crowd expected, nay, demanded the victory which seemed inevitable, but their screams were silenced by a savage foul on Turner.

“Poobiscuits and venom!” sighed the crowd, knowing full well that the substitutes bench was as lonely as Wordsworth’s cloud.

Down to four men for the umpteenth time, Sporting Apostrophes fought bravely, but it wasn’t enough, as Dynamo Kebab ran out 6-4 winners, their first victory against the world’s favourite team following three previous defeats.

A mere point from the bottom of the table and suffering a threadbare squad, Sporting Apostrophes prospects for the second half of season IV remain bleak. A terrible injustice!

Score: 4-6
Squad: Bonell, Farnsworth, Hawkins, McInerney, Turner.
Goals: Bonell (2), Farnsworth (1), Turner (1).

3.40pm kick-off, Sunday 29th March 2009 at Powerleague London City.

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“Referee John Candy appears nonplussed by Cameo’s erection during last Sunday’s 18-2 multi-manrape”

One Flew Into The Keepers Net are under investigation by Powerleague administrators following Cameo’s cameo for the Super A’s last Sunday.

“It’s no different to the Tevez saga. If One Flew Into The Keeper’s Net get promoted we deserve compensation,” complained chairman Ernest Borgnine, applying confused logic to the situation. “Right, so he isn’t actually our player, and we pretty much begged him to play, but still, there’s something fishy about this, and it’s not the smell of Irn Bru.”

Referee John Candy’s match notes, handwritten in chicken fat, make no mention of Cameo’s moonlighting, sparking rumours of favouritism.

1.40pm kick-off, Sunday 22nd March 2009 at Powerleague London City.

Please leave a comment indicating your availability for this unmissable Super A’s fixture.

A depleted Super A’s line-up suffered a heavy defeat at the hands of promotion candidates El Paso in Sunday’s division II encounter.

“Credit to the boys for trying, but with the numerical disadvantage it was always going to be brutal,” commented chairman Ernest Borgnine at the post-match radio interview. “One can’t help but wonder whether this new kit is cursed – we’ve yet to win since its debut four matches ago.”

Sporting Apostrophes’ two goals came courtesy of Cameo, on loan from table-toppers One Flew Into The Keepers Net.

After two dreadful results, where now for the world famous Super A’s?. The team’s goal difference has plummeted from zero to minus twenty eight in just two matches. A terrible injustice!

Score: 2-18
Squad: Bonell, Cameo, Lissimore, Stickland, Turner.
Goals: Cameo (2).