Sporting Apostrophes

“The prophecy is fulfilled as Sporting Apostrophes finally win the division II championship! Left to right: Turner, Hinceman, Hawkins, Bell, Stickland, Farnsworth, Borgnine, Kimberley, Pacheco.”

A new world order was established last Sunday, changing life as we know it on this planet irrevocably. Poverty has been eradicated; climate change, a persistent threat, has been halted in its tracks; civil war, conflict, genocide: words that will be consigned to the history books; albinos and midgets, available on a 2-for-1 deal; organised religions universally abandoned in favour of The One New Church of Sporting Apostrophes, the newly-crowned champions of division II.

“We finally did it!” cried chairman Ernest Borgnine, overwhelmed by emotion following his team’s incredible achievement, its significance greater than the birth of Christ and Christopher Reeve combined. “It’s been a long, hard season, and we’ve sailed close to the wind at times, but we deserve this promotion. It’s taken us seven seasons to taste silverware, and now it’s a reality we’ll be licking its onion glaze until our tongues chafe and burn. Commiserations to Team Wang – they’re a nice bunch of lads, but it looks like their chances of promotion have evaporated. Second place is U.B.O.C.’s to lose.”

Match highlights include: obligatorygoals from the ever-potent Farnsworth; a titanic performance from Maryland cookie Hinceman; rib-cracking, heart-and-soul football from Bell; Stickland, making his fourteenth consecutive appearance, possibly a record?; pass-and-move goodness from Wessely.

After six seasons of pain, injuries, heavy defeats, bad luck and Apostolov, Sporting Apostrophes, the world’s favourite team, have finally achieved greatness. It may have taken 93 matches and 34 players, but the team’s innumerable fans can finally celebrate a championship-winning season. A terrible injustice!

Stats

Score: 4-2
Squad: Bell, Hinceman, Farnsworth, Stickland, Wessely.
Goals: Farnsworth (3), plus an own goal from Team Wang.

“Correa celebrates his fourth onion with Wessely”

Sporting Apostrophes’ assault on the division II championship gathered pace with a convincing victory against Centrepoint FC.

“We dished out our unique brand of canary yellow punishment and it made them gag like a mouthful of English mustard,” boasted chairman Ernest Borgnine, his chest puffed out through a combination of pride and his freshly-waxed grandfatherly moobs. “I can already smell the Dettox on the winners’ podium, and you mark my words, I’ll be the first to hold the championship trophy aloft when we win it.”

Match highlights include: yet another double hat-trick for Farnsworth, the sixth of his career; a welcome appearance from Correa, his first of the season following his life-threatening home decorating illness; ever-present Stickland; a late, late show from Wessely; another taste of Tinsley, with some top drawer defensive play; stereo violations for Hinceman, though his second is hotly disputed.

With just two matches remaining, Sporting Apostrophes lead the division II table by 3 points. A win next week would guarantee the championship, immortality and unfettered access to a thousand virgins beyond the grave. A terrible injustice!

Stats

Score: 12-5
Squad: Correa, Farnsworth, Hinceman, Stickland, Tinsley, Wessely.
Goals: Farnsworth (6), Correa (4), Hinceman (2).

Sporting Apostrophes vs Static Data

2.20pm kick-off, Sunday 14th March 2010 at Powerleague London City.

Please leave a comment indicating your availability for this unmissable Super A’s fixture.

Once availability is confirmed a squad of 7 will be selected. Should there be 8 or more players available, “management” reserve the right to rotate squad members.

Sporting Apostrophes vs Team Wang

1.40pm kick-off, Sunday 7th March 2010 at Powerleague London City.

Please leave a comment indicating your availability for this unmissable Super A’s fixture.

Once availability is confirmed a squad of 7 will be selected. Should there be 8 or more players available, “management” reserve the right to rotate squad members.

“Borgnine and Hinceman sample le oignon fondant at the rehearsal dinner for the Promotion Feast”

A bitter new rivalry was created as a result of last Sunday’s petulant encounter with league newcomers Swan and Speedos.

“Good God, they’re worse than Minety, Real So So Bad and Los Diablos baked into an irritating past-date quiche!” raged an irate Ernest Borgnine. “They’re unsporting, foul-mouthed, and, to worst of all, they injured our star pony. With any luck we’ll leave them languishing in division II as we sup from the golden chalice of promotion and everlasting life, fertility and all-you-can-eat buffets.”

Match highlights include: a hat-trick for “guarantee” Farnsworth, taking his season total to 33 goals in just 9 appearances; top-drawer sheath loving from Stickland; Wessely just making the last call for part deux; Pacheco tasting astroturf, leaving him on the sidelines for potentially the rest of the season; Hinceman dishing out pain like a Biggie and Tupac club sandwich; another sterling performance for young Tinsley; energy and ivory from the evergreen Kimberley, without a modicum of harmony.

Sporting Apostrophes remain at the top of division II with a 3-point lead and commanding goal difference. With just 3 matches remaining, the promotion dream is more alive than a motorway collision between the cast of Fame’s tour bus and a lorry load of amphetamines. A terrible injustice!

Stats

Score: 3-3
Squad: Farnsworth, Hinceman, Kimberley, Pacheco, Stickland, Tinsley, Wessely.
Goals: Farnsworth (3).

Sporting Apostrophes vs Centrepoint FC

3.40pm kick-off, Sunday 28th February 2010 at Powerleague London City.

Please leave a comment indicating your availability for this unmissable Super A’s fixture.

Once availability is confirmed a squad of 7 will be selected. Should there be 8 or more players available, “management” reserve the right to rotate squad members.

Sporting Apostrophes vs Swan and Speedos

1.40pm kick-off, Sunday 21st February 2010 at Powerleague London City.

Please leave a comment indicating your availability for this unmissable Super A’s fixture.

Once availability is confirmed a squad of 7 will be selected. Should there be 8 or more players available, “management” reserve the right to rotate squad members.

“Fans struggle to contain their excitement upon hearing that the Apostrophes press embargo has ended”

Sporting Apostrophes’ assault on the division II title took a Goliath leap forward with a convincing 11-4 victory against West End Wanderers.

“A magnificent display of pure, uncut onionball!” enthused chairman Ernest Borgnine, relieved to be talking to reporters once again following the long-standing press embargo. “Farnsworth’s double hat-trick, the fifth of his career, was the icing on the Super A’s cupcake. He now has 30 goals to his name this season – surely 40 isn’t an unrealistic target for the ‘terrorist’ from Yorkshire?”

To the delight of fans in the Grammar End, Sporting Apostrophes took to the field with an abundance of home-grown English talent, each man eager to prove himself worthy of a place in the starting line-up for the impending World Cup. Birmingham’ s Kimberley headed the pack, the silver-haired midget in prime condition thanks to his rigorous cycling regime. Hawkins, another native of the second city, was next in line, the sheath technician eager to feel latex on his skin once again after a 3-week absence. Recent signing Tinsley joined the Midland pairing, the Essex wonder-boy already an established Apostrophe after just three appearances on the hallowed astroturf. Local lad “fairweather” Stickland made it four, the on-off glovesman making his fiftieth appearance for the famous yellows. Yorkshire’s finest pudding joined him, the in-form striker now odds-on favourite to regain the brown plimsole after two seasons in the wilderness. The quintet of English mustard were accompanied by the American Hinceman, Maryland’s biggest export since Tupac.

One-legged referee Gillespie started proceedings with a muscular “toot!” on his whistle.

The entrée was served piping hot, the Apostrophes storming to a three goal lead in a matter of minutes. Some fine interplay between Tinsley and Farnsworth delivered the onion, with notable assists and heave-ho from Hinceman and Stickland, the latter helping himself with a well-taken poke. The Wanderers rallied, replying with two goals in quick succession, despite some jazz hands and sheath wizardry from Hawkins. The Super A’s opened up a two goal lead, before their opponents added a third with the final kick of the first half, a fortunate, long range effort that bamboozled the hapless Hawkins.

Sagely advice and energy drinks were exchanged at half time, the players still fully-focused on their promotion dreams.

West End Wanderers equalised early in the second half, but the Apostrophes replied with a savage one-two counterpunch from Tinsley, stereo onion bag violations that left the Wanderers reeling. Hinceman drew blood from an impossible angle, as Kimberley mystified his opponents and possibly himself with his incredible, tireless running into space. Farnsworth dealt further punishment, completing his double hat-trick, before the referee brought the match to an end after yet another famous Sporting victory.

With just four matches remaining, Sporting Apostrophes lead the division II table by three points, their hopes of feasting at the promotion buffet as real and tangible as a scale drawing of Christopher Reeve. A terrible injustice!

Score: 11-4
Squad: Farnsworth, Hawkins, Hinceman, Kimberley, Stickland, Tinsley.
Goals: Farnsworth (6), Tinsley (3), Hinceman (1), Stickland (1).

Sporting Apostrophes vs West End Wanderers

3pm kick-off, Sunday 14th February 2010 at Powerleague London City.

Please leave a comment indicating your availability for this unmissable Super A’s fixture.

Once availability is confirmed a squad of 7 will be selected. Should there be 8 or more players available, “management” reserve the right to rotate squad members.

Stats

Score: 7-5
Squad: Bell, Farnsworth, Kimberley, Pacheco, Stickland, Tinsley.
Goals: Farnsworth (3), Pacheco (2), Bell (1), Tinsley (1).

Sporting Apostrophes vs Favela Kings

3pm kick-off, Sunday 7th February 2010 at Powerleague London City.

Please leave a comment indicating your availability for this unmissable Super A’s fixture.

Once availability is confirmed a squad of 7 will be selected. Should there be 8 or more players available, “management” reserve the right to rotate squad members.

Stats

Score: 4-8
Squad: Hinceman, Pacheco, Stickland, Tinsley, Wessely.
Goals: Pacheco (3), Tinsley (1).