Sporting Apostrophes

“The world’s greatest athletes limber up prior to Sunday’s fixture. From left to right: Kimberley, Pacheco, Turner, Bell, Hinceman, Stickland”

The “beast from Baltimore” returns to the line-up for his first appearance since June. “juryman” Bell joins him, before what could prove to be a lengthy absence in the high court.

Stickland will resume sheath duty, with Kimberley all set to make his tenth appearance of the season.

With Correa absent, Pacheco will be looking to deliver onion as the race for top-scorer intensifies. Aging midfielder Turner will complete the “seis lendas”.

Line-up for Sunday’s clash with Flat Back Four:

Bell
Hinceman
Kimberley
Pacheco
Stickland
Turner

“The team go through a punishing fitness regime before Sunday’s fixture. From left to right: Farnsworth, Bonell, Lissimore, Kimberley, McInerney, Hawkins, Hinceman, Wessely, Stickland.”

The world famous Super A’s will field the following legends for Sunday’s fixture against old rivals One Flew Into The Keepers Net:

Hawkins
Hinceman
Kimberley
Lissimore
McInerney
Wessely

With “terrorist” Farnsworth absent, McInerney and Kimberley have a golden opportunity to prove their value to the Apostrophes faithful by delivering a flurry of violations. Can they supply the vicious, penetrating ballpokes the fans crave?

“The team strike a pose. Back row, left to right: Farnsworth, McInerney, Turner, Lissimore, Hinceman. Front row, left to right: Bonell, Wessely, Kimberley, Hawkins.”

Sporting Apostrophes’ refurbished “Gymansium” [sic] opened this morning with an open training session for journalists and a handful of disabled, terminally ill, albino, ethnic minority orphans.

“This facility pushes the boundaries of fitness AND sexuality!” chairman Ernest Borgnine enthused at the official unveiling. “State-of-the-art exercise machines combined with industry-leading statistics – one wonders whether we’ll ever lose again?!”

Following a special request from Lissimore, the new complex has been declared a yeast, wheat, sugar, tar and glue-free zone.

“With their sponsorship deal with Shaw Tyre & Exhaust Co. in ruins, the team practice their trademark ‘back to goal, don’t defend’ manoeuvre in unbranded sweatshirts. From left to right: Lissimore, Wessely, Bonell, White, Kimberley, Hinceman, Farnsworth”

Rock biscuit Bonell is scheduled to return, his on-off tattoo injury still a source of mischief. The Swede will be joined by White, an immediate fans’ favourite following his debut hat-trick. Hinceman’s ankle, so effective in last week’s match, will be risked again against the advice of the team witch doctor.

Farnsworth, Kimberley, Lissimore and Wessely complete the Apostrophes line-up.

Sunday’s line-up

Bonell
Farnsworth
Hinceman
Kimberley
Lissimore
Wessely
White

“Following last week’s victory the team’s rigorous training schedule has stepped up a gear. From left to right: Lissimore, Wessely, McInerney, Turner, Hawkins”

Sporting Apostrophes line-up for Sunday’s fixture against Real So So Bad:

Hawkins
Lissimore
McInerney
Turner
Wessely

Fans’ favourites Farnsworth (alcohol) and Hinceman (ankle) are subject to a late fitness test.

“Evolution or intelligent design? Mankind cannot fathom how such athletes are created. From left to right: Hinceman, McInerney, Bonell, Turner, Wessely, Farnsworth, Kimberley”

Sporting Apostrophes’ line-up for Sunday’s fixture against YOH FC, the undefeated champions of Division I:

Bonell
Farnsworth
Hinceman
Kimberley
McInerney
Turner
Wessely

“The team sprint the length of the training field faster than a paraplegic on ketamine. From left to right: Lissimore, Wessely, McInerney, Turner, Kimberley, Farnsworth, Hawkins”

Sporting Apostrophes’ line-up for Sunday’s fixture against Los Diablos:

Farnsworth
Hawkins
Kimberley
Lissimore
McInerney
Turner
Wessely

Hinceman pulls up his trousers having chosen not to use the toilet following a trademark Borgnine pebble-dashing.

Hinceman’s Oktoberfest “holiday” was today revealed as a cover story for his proposed mega-money transfer to Bundesliga champions Bayern Munich.

“He has pace, height in abundance and his own kit – who wouldn’t want a player with those qualities?” remarked one Apostrophes fan upon hearing the news.

Rumours suggest that Kimberley may be used as a makeweight in the deal, but Bayern have expressed interest in receiving a family-size pack of Wagon Wheels instead.

“Chairman Ernest Borgnine hands Kimberley his goalcashbonustopmoney following his brace on Sunday”

Confirmed line-up for Sunday’s clash with Unsung Heroes:

Hinceman
Kimberley
Lissimore
McInerney
Turner

Fans’ forums were ablaze with rumours after the club announced that two additional players will be making their league debuts on Sunday. Their surnames remain unconfirmed at time of going to press, but bookies are taking bets on a host of thoroughbred talent.

“Turner dry wretches at the sight of Stickland’s groin injury as McInerney, in a state of arousal, unleashes the camcorder”

Stickland’s programme of advanced stretching has landed him on the Sporting Apostrophes injury list for the second time this season.

“Typical! After such a good performance on Sunday he’s now sidelined for several weeks thanks to his stupid manstretches,” moaned chairman Ernest Borgnine. “Who the hell does he think he is, Rudolf Nureyev?”

“With the smell of a potential victory filling their manly nostrils, the athletes accelerate to a mild canter. From left to right: Hinceman, McInerney, Stickland, Turner, Hawkins, Farnsworth, Kimberley”

League newcomers Real Ale Madrid face the daunting task of lining up against a team of Apostrophes legends:

Farnsworth
Hawkins
Hinceman
Kimberley
McInerney
Stickland
Turner

“Turner is rightly proud of his custom-made, world cup shaped turtle-head prevention plug (patent pending)”

Emotional fans were turtle-heading with sexglee this afternoon upon hearing that Turner is fit and available for Sunday’s match against Rigford Sea-Hawks. The part-time sheath exponent, full-time midfield maestro will be joining a galaxy of stars for what promises to be a record-breaking turnout for the Super A’s.