Sporting Apostrophes

The new strip. It’s bound to bring victories, even if many of the squad do have a reduced set of limbs.

“Borgnine, Bono and Bonell sip onion juice and talk about very important things”

Sporting Apostrophes’ “Player Aid” was officially launched today amid a blaze of publicity. With just four confirmed players for next Sunday’s clash with El Paso, this high-profile campaign aims to ensure the world’s favourite team fields a minimum of five players.

“I’m tired of the Africans moaning, and I’m up to my Phil Collins in so-called ‘green issues’ and this carbon nonsense that’s poisoning the orphans,” raved Bono, a life-long Super A’s fan. “Marvin Gaye was right: this world truly is a Great Big Onion, and the only thing that can keep it in orbit is some sweet, tippy-tappy goodness from the Apostrophes.”

Lend your support to this worthy campaign by nominating yourself for greatness next Sunday!

McInerney and Jamiroquai present the definitive guide to standing still, goal scoring and jazz funk. Topics include:

• Choosing a good place to stand (includes interactive pull-out map).
• Walking, jogging and running – a trio of crimes worse than rape.
• Achieving a Zen state without neglecting the onion.
• Minimising effort – techniques, how it will prolong your career indefinitely.
• Defending – myths, rumours and why it is pointless.
• Jaco Pastorious discography.
• How to masturbate whilst playing bass guitar.

Priced at just €29,99, the book is an extraordinary bargain that’s not to be missed.

Hand sheath magician Hawkins’ first book on the artistry and science of onion bag defending is due to hit bookshelves worldwide from Monday 20th October. Topics include:

• Sheath selection, maintenance and pull-out sizing chart.
• Polyester – “it’s just better”.
• Diving left or right – how to get it right 100% of the time, every time.
• Coveting balls – fantasy and reality.
• Opponents – know your enema.
• Penalties – why they’re unjust, how to save them 100% of the time, every time.
• Mind games – arouse your opponent with one lingering stare.
• Elbows – the gift from God.
• Underwear dilemmas and testicular support.

Priced at just €29,99, the book is an extraordinary bargain that’s not to be missed.

“Hawkins wears the new Super A’s shirt at the opening polyesterceremonials”

Sporting Apostrophes are delighted to announce a new shirt sponsorship deal with Shaw Tyre & Exhaust Co. Beloved chairman Ernest Borgnine signed the £2,500,000 one-season contract at the prestigious Lancashire offices of the team’s new sponsor.

“They’re proper excellent” the chairman enthused, stroking the new team shirt with his strong, manly left hand, whilst stroking his flaccid penis with his delicate, feminine right.

Squad numbers for the new season will be confirmed shortly.

The Sporting Apostrophes official club badge was unveiled today at a packed press conference in east London.

Any die-hard Apostrophes fan will immediately recognise the significance of the various components of the badge; to help the ignorant:

• The badge boasts an officially licensed likeness of Pele, smiling broadly after yet another devastating Super A’s performance.
• The two golden footballs represent Pele’s generous, loving plums (refer to the history section of this website for more information).
• The motto “A ATROX INIQUITAS” – “A terrible injustice” in Latin.
• The badge features three gold stars, the meaning of which is a terrible, terrible secret.

Officially licensed merchandise will be available from all good sports retailers shortly.