Sporting Apostrophes

“Realistic, plausible photo coming soon”

Overview

After 6 seasons of humiliation and hurt, Sporting Apostrophes finally achieved greatness in their historic 7th season with a convincing division II championship victory. An impressive haul of 31 points from 14 matches saw them take the title, a point ahead of old rivals U.B.O.C.

Few would argue that this incredible, world-changing achievement is in no small part down the the efforts of Farnsworth and Pacheco. “Terrorist” Farnsworth chalked up 42 goals this season, almost half the team’s goals. Pacheco delivered 21, taking the lion’s share of the man-of-the-match awards in the process, though his season was ended prematurely following a serious injury in the ill-tempered draw against Swan and Speedos.

“Ever ready” Stickland’s 13 appearances made a big impact, his enthusiasm undimmed after countless seasons performing with or without latex.

The signing of Tinsley, sanctioned by the chairman at the mid-point of the season, was an important step in securing the title. His confident performances and defensive discipline were much appreciated in the Grammar End.

Best Performance

Sporting Apostrophes’ two narrow victories against Team Wang were both magnificent performances. The first encounter saw a clean sheet for Hawkins, the first in the team’s long, illustrious history. The second, season-defining encounter saw the Super A’s take 3 points and the championship, despite a threadbare squad.

Worst Performance

The 8-4 reverse to old rivals U.B.O.C. was a disappointing way to start the second half of the season.

Goal scorers

“Terrorist” Farnsworth tore up the record books with an astonishing 42 goals, almost doubling the previous record. His incredible haul of onion, harvested in just 11 appearances, cements the Yorkshireman’s place in the annals of footballing history.

Portugal’s Pacheco fought the irresistible urge to chip unnecessarily, leading to an excellent return of 21 goals.

The onion jam was spread thinly and evenly across the rest of the squad. However, “never score” Stickland’s 3 goals following a 5-season, 40-match dry spell is worthy of note.

Man-of-the-Match awards

For the third consecutive season, Pacheco leads the pack with a commendable 6 man-of-the-match awards in 10 appearances, equalling the club record held by the Portuguese and America’s Hinceman.

Farnsworth achieved a very respectable four gongs, with the remaining honours spread evenly throughout the squad.

For the first time in his illustrious 7-season career, Hawkins managed to go an entire season without winning a single man-of-the-match award, leaving his dreams of a world cup call-up in ruins.

Disciplinary record

The division II champions boast an unblemished disciplinary record. Few would challenge Sporting Apostrophes’ position as “the gentlemen’s club.”

Appearances

Stickland equals his and the club’s record of 13 appearances in a season, held jointly with Correa. However, having achieved his feat in a 14-match season, his endeavours are worthy of special praise.

Farnsworth and Pacheco both graced the astroturf on 11 and 10 occasions respectively. The latter would surely have played more were it not for his season-concluding injury.

Hinceman, Kimberley and recent acquisition Tinsley played 7 matches apiece.

Hawkins and Wessely each chalked up 6 appearances, with 5 for Bell and 4 for “wrong side of 30” Turner.

Correa’s foot injury and DIY duties sidelined him for the season, allowing him to make just a single appearance. Trialists Poncet and Tobin also booked a table for one in the restaurant called Lonely.

Success ratio

(wins+draws) ÷ appearances = Success Ratio

Farnsworth’s Success Ratio of 1.0 is made all the more remarkable by his 11 appearances, consisting of 10 victories and 1 draw. The 3 matches missed by “guarantee” Farnsworth all resulted in defeat for the Super A’s.

It should come as little surprise that Success Ratio figures throughout the squad are healthy in a championship-winning season. However, more surprising is the comparatively poor figures achieved by Tinsley and Turner.

Value per victory

(value/appearances) * wins = Value Per Victory

Most fans agree that the V.P.V. (value per victory) figure is the “real deal” – the key identifier of a player’s contribution, the likelihood he has of supping from the victory flask at the final whistle.

€64.94m – Farnsworth
€48.09m – Pacheco
€30.15m – Stickland
€18.30m – Hinceman

Once again, Farnsworth and Pacheco dominate, the former setting yet another Apostrophes record.

Legitimate, real-world transfer values

Sporting Apostrophes’ most valuable players during season VII:

€64.94m – Farnsworth
€60.11m – Pacheco
€35.63m – Stickland
€29.80m – Tinsley
€21.35m – Hinceman

Farnsworth’s figure sets a new Apostrophes record, with Pacheco a mere handful of Euros behind.

Stickland commands a solid €30+ transfer value, with Tinsley close behind, an impressive achievement in his first season in a yellow shirt.

Hinceman maintains a good value despite his advancing years and inches.

Season VIII objectives

Sporting Apostrophes’ 1st place finish is a new record:

• Season I – 8th from 8
• Season II – 8th from 8
• Season III – 7th from 8
• Season IV – 8th from 8
• Season V – 6th from 10
• Season VI – 3rd from 8
• Season VII – 1st from 8

Avoiding relegation must be the primary objective. Fans the world’s greatest football team expect nothing less than sublime, Technicolor sexball, the kind which is superior to the special school standard on offer in division II.

“Apostrophes fans in the Grammar End show their anger”

Super A’s fans organised a 4-hour naked protest after yesterday’s match to voice their concerns over late match reports.

“Honestly, I don’t know what the hell is going on!” one particularly angry fan seethed, the front of his tan corduroys darkening with urine as he spoke. “I mean… the match reports were pretty rubbish anyway, but as a life-long season ticket holder I deserve my weekly dose of Apostrophes goodness, and who the hell do these people think they are to deny me?”

The club refused to comment, citing witchcraft and The Ghost of Christopher Reeve as the primary obstacles to the publishing process, but off-the-record, unsubstantiated rumours suggest that the Super A’s chief copywriter is undergoing “stress”, “badness” and “onion-mojo depletion” – in no particular order.

“Pacheco, the Apostrophes’ most valuable player of season V, uses his finger as a flagpole, an ancient Portuguese tradition to commemorate the country’s best ever Eurovision finish, 6th place in 1996”

Overview

Sporting Apostrophes’ fifth season is worthy of much celebration, perhaps even a token congratulatory masturbation. The team’s record-breaking 6th place finish, with a goal difference of just minus 2, is an incredible achievement given the previous season’s heartbreak. New signings Correa, Hannigan-Daley and Pacheco added much-needed goals to the Apostrophes omelette, after too many matches where “terrorist” Farnsworth was the only realistic harvester of onion.

Stickland can boast the best season of his career, despite his 26-match goal famine. His granite, do-or-die defending has been blessed by the two-touch fairy, adding a much-needed sex touch to his onionball.

Hawkins’ handsheath wizardry contributed to the yellows conceding just 5.18 goals per game, a new record for the Apostrophes. Hawkins’ feat is made more remarkable by Hinceman’s absenteeism: the “beast from Baltimore” has suffered a sequence of vacation injuries which have blighted his season, leaving the team to rue the absence of his stoic defensive displays.

Kimberley made a valuable contribution in the middle of the park. “juryman” Bell tolled too, albeit exclusively on the wings.

Midfield maestros Turner and Wessely experienced fair-to-middling seasons. Their tireless running added relish to the Super A’s kebab, but they both suffered from ill-calibrated onion compasses, returning just 3 goals between them.

Lissimore’s season was cut short by injury, a broken toe suffered against VJJ back in May.

In stark contrast to last season, Super A’s fans have much to look forward to as season VI begins. With a fantastic new kit just days away and the best fans in the league, only a fool would bet against the Apostrophes conquering all comers.

Best Performance

Sporting Apostrophes’ final game of season V, the 12-10 victory against division II champions 5IVE, was arguably the match of the season, a veritable onion jamboree of Technicolor sexball.

Worst Performance

The 1-9 reverse anal demolition at the hands of old rivals Green Park was a low point that the team will be keen to forget.

Goal scorers

Correa’s haul of 18 goals in 13 matches made him the season’s top scorer, with a very respectable goals-per-game average of 1.38.

Canadian Hannigan-Daley chalked up an outrageous 15 goals in just 4 appearances, a total of 3.75 goals per game. Apostrophes fans, whilst delighted with his abundance of violations, remain infuriated with his unnecessarily long name, which has doubled the cost of a replica shirt featuring his moniker.

Farnsworth and Pacheco each delivered 13 goals; a disappointing haul for the former, as the Apostrophes’ all-time top scorer on 69 goals. Farnsworth‘s tally was hindered by his mortal fear of the penalty spot.

McInerney failed to hit the target in his solitary appearance for the yellows: a disappointing end to his glittering (some might say steaming) career.

“never score” Lissimore and Stickland both achieved a combined total of none, nothing, zero, increasing their odds of scoring at the bookies to 250-1.

Man-of-the-Match awards

New signing Pacheco won the coveted man-of-the-match gong on 6 occasions, equalling Hinceman’s Sporting Apostrophes record in the process. Incredibly, Pacheco was the standout player in every one of his first 5 matches. However, with just 1 award in his last 6 appearances in a yellow shirt, fans wonder whether the Portuguese wonder is rationing his sexball.

Correa, Hawkins and Stickland each achieved greatness 3 times, followed closely by Bell and Hannigan-Daley on 2 apiece, the latter in just 4 appearances.

Despite scoring 13 goals, “guarantee” Farnsworth was deemed unworthy of the accolade in any of his 8 appearances.

Disciplinary record

Wessely chalked up his first yellow card since season II. Portuguese gentleman Pacheco was unlucky to receive an unjust warning thanks to some unsporting behaviour (some might say downright cheating) by Flat Back Four.

Appearances

Congratulations to Correa and Stickland who set a new Sporting Apostrophes record with 13 appearances apiece.

Hawkins donned sheathes 12 times, equalling his personal best, the previous Apostrophes record.

Kimberley and Pacheco both wore the famous yellow jersey on 11 occasions: a personal best for the former, an impressive debut season for the latter.

Sporting Apostrophes welcomed 3 new signings in season V: Correa, Hannigan-Daley and Pacheco.

Super A’s legend McInerney was released from his multi-million contract, having reached the grand old age of 35. The goal-a-game striker remains a free agent, leaving fans hoping he might deliver his unique brand of “stationary pain” once again.

Success ratio

(wins+draws) ÷ appearances = Success Ratio

Hannigan-Daley and Lissimore are both able to boast a maximum success ration of 1.0, with neither player being on the losing side in season V. The remainder of the squad all achieve respectable figures in the region of 0.54 (Stickland) to 0.33 (Turner), leaving Wessely (0.29), Farnsworth (0.25) and finally McInerney (0.0) at the foot of the table.

Value per victory

(value/appearances) * wins = Value Per Victory

Most fans agree that the V.P.V. (value per victory) figure is the “real deal” – the key identifier of a player’s contribution, the likelihood he has of supping from the victory flask at the final whistle.

€29.53m – Hannigan-Daley
€25.48m – Pacheco
€20.69m – Stickland
€19.75m – Correa

Hannigan-Daley’s irrepressible, single-minded love for onion has resulted in him being on the winning side in each of his 4 appearances, clearly demonstrating how much tastier the recipe can be with a dollop of maple syrup. Pacheco’s sexball, combined with Correa’s driving, amphetamine performances have shown that they too can make the difference. Defying age and mother nature, Stickland‘s career-defining season has been a genuine delight, following a number of indifferent campaigns.

Legitimate, real-world transfer values

Sporting Apostrophes’ most valuable players during season V:

€56.06m – Pacheco
€51.34m – Correa
€38.34m – Stickland
€36.40m – Hawkins
€29.53m – Hannigan-Daley

Pacheco breaks the €50m bracket, setting a new Sporting Apostrophes record in the process, beating Wessely’s season III best of €52m. New signings Correa and Hannigan-Daley enter the top 5: an impressive first-season achievement. Handsheath exponent Hawkins proves the theory that goalkeepers depreciate slowly, like a pungent cheese, or perhaps a helicopter.

Stickland’s sensational season is capped with an incredible €38m value; a sizable increase on his previous suggested retail price of just €14m.

Farnsworth’s value has halved as the goals have dried up; Hinceman has also seen a dramatic reduction in his value.

McInerney‘s €4m valuation is just 10% of his season II value, clearly demonstrating the speed at which athletes deteriorate.

Season VI objectives

Sporting Apostrophes’ 6th place finish is a new record:

• Season I – 8th from 8
• Season II – 8th from 8
• Season III – 7th from 8
• Season IV – 8th from 8
• Season V – 6th from 10

Last season’s prediction of a top 5 finish proved to be not far off the mark. Progress demands that the famous yellows must look towards the promised land of a promotion finish.

“Turner ruled the The Beverly Hills Polo Club with an iron biltong”

Fans’ forums were ablaze following news of a vote-rigging scandal which has influenced the results of the Super A’s coveted Man-of-the-Match gong. Investigators have discovered a number of votes for Pacheco originating from Australia, identified by their IP address. Pacheco himself has been exonerated following interrogation, leaving the crooked finger of blame pointing at Turner, whose aboriginal roots are as sinister as they are proven.

“We’ll keep a close eye on the votes from now on,” chairman Ernest Borgnine informed the assembled media outside the crowd. “This prestigious award cannot and will not be abused.”

Turner has been dogged by controversy in recent months: allegations of player-poaching; leading the The Beverly Hills Polo Club into administration; reaching his 30s; onion sickness. The aging midfielder has much to prove in Sunday’s fixture against Minety.

“Farnsworth licks the air with disgust after missing a penalty against Frutti di Mare”

Sporting Apostrophes’ all-time record scorer Farnsworth has reiterated his desire for onion bag violations following this season’s disappointing haul of just four goals to date.

“I scored 24 last season, and 22 the season before, so I am quite frankly outraged that people dare question my thirst for goals,” the Yorkshireman raged. “I’ve missed a few matches this season thanks to my persistent wedding injury, but I’m the Rotherham Schwarzenegger: I’ll be back.”

Farnsworth’s next appearance will be against Team Wang on Sunday, the team against which he scored his first halfdozerlation.

“Everyone’s a winner at the Sporting Apostrophes end-of-season bash. Left to right: McInerney, Stickland, Lissimore, Farnsworth, Apostolov, Kimberley, Hinceman.”

Overview

Sporting Apostrophes fourth season was an unmitigated disaster. The 7 points won from the first 5 matches promised to deliver a mid-table finish, but the subsequent 9 losses were worse than even the most pessimistic of fans could have imagined. The team’s bottom-placed finish marks a new low for the club, and, with the spectre of relegation a distinct possibility (subject to the formation of division III), the outlook for the world’s favourite football team is bleak.

The reasons for the Super A’s capitulation are clear:

• Injury problems – Wessely in particular has been sorely missed.
• Holidays – “ice queen” Turner’s love of the slopes has denied the team of his tippy-tappy goodness.
• Substitutes – All too often, Sporting Apostrophes have been forced to field a team of just 5, sometimes less during the difficult mid-season.
• Officiation – Referee Gillespie’s promised penalties failed to materialise.
• Attire – The cursed blue jersey has brought the team nothing but heartache.

Best Performance

Sporting Apostrophes’ performance of the season was undoubtedly the 9-3 victory against Team Wang, which featured a remarkable double hat-trick from the irrepressible “terrorist” Farnsworth.

Worst Performance

The gut-wrenching, bowel-clenching 18-2 hammering at the hands of El Paso is certainly a candidate, but the 15-3 mauling by U.B.O.C. surely takes the biscuit. With a full compliment of players, including substitutes, against a team previously conquered, the team can do little but hang their heads in shame at the bitter memory.

Goal scorers

To the delight of fans, “guarantee” Farnsworth’s double hat-trick on the final day of the season brought his tally to 24, bettering his previous best by 2 goals and setting a new Sporting Apostrophes record in the process. His goals-per-game average of 3 is unsurpassed.

McInerney contributed 9 onion bag violations, just a single goal behind his personal best of 10 achieved in season 2.

Hinceman equalled his personal best of 4, a figure matched by Wessley, who surely would have scored more were his season not cut short by injury.

Kimberley’s haul of 3 is consistent with his transformation into the albino Essien.

Man-of-the-Match awards

Hawkins won the coveted man-of-the-match gong in 5 of his 12 appearances, equalling his previous best set in season II, and demonstrating a clear return to form for the handsheath specialist after a disappointing season III.

Farnsworth was the stand-out player in half of his 8 matches.

Despite having a solid season, Hinceman will be disappointed that his record-breaking tally of 6 man-of-the-match awards has halved; conversely, Kimberley, also on 3, must be commended for his achievements, having not won the award in his previous two campaigns.

Bell’s goal-scoring, man-of-the-match debut against Real So So Bad deserves special plaudits.

Disciplinary record

Sporting Apostrophes boast an unblemished disciplinary record in their historic fourth season.

Appearances

Hawkins matched the Apostrophes record of 12 appearances set by Wessely in season III.

Hinceman graced the astroturf 11 times; a personal best.

Kimberley and McInerney both wore the famous jersey on 10 occasions; a great achievement for the latter, following last season’s tobacco injuries.

Fans have high hopes for Turner, whose absences, whether through vacation or injury, are a source of much frustration in the Grammar End.

Sporting Apostrophes welcome Apostolov and Bell, who both made their debuts in the latter half of the season. The team waves farewell to Super A’s legend Bonell, who despite announcing his retirement may well make the occasional appearance to thrill the fans.

Success ratio

(wins+draws) ÷ appearances = Success Ratio

Incredibly, despite his injury woes, Wessely boasts a success ratio of 0.5, clearly demonstrating his contribution to the team’s chances of success.

With the team reliant on his guaranteed goals, Farnsworth’s figure of 0.38 comes as no surprise, unlike Kimberley’s 0.38 – an impressive figure for the “midget enforcer”.

Hawkins’ success ratio of just 0.17 has made some fans question whether he still has the heart to play division II football, having tasted life in the top flight. Other, somewhat wiser fans concede that his presence makes little or no impact on the team’s results.

Apostolov, Bell, Bonell and Stickland made 13 appearances between them, but the unfortunate quartet were on the losing side each time.

Legitimate, real-world transfer values

The season IV Apostrophes “dream team” – a dynamite ensemble with a combined value of almost €200,000,000.

€49,140,000 – Farnsworth
€46,080,000 – Hawkins
€37,250,000 – Hinceman
€35,130,000 – Kimberley
€29,240,000 – McInerney

Whilst Farnsworth and Hinceman’s values have remained consistently high, Hawkins, Kimberley and particularly McInerney have all experienced significant gains since last season.

Wessely’s value has fallen from last season’s Super A’s record of €52.62m to €16.42m – an inevitable consequence of his long-term shoulder injury.

Lissimore will be looking to better his €14.48m value next season; fans await his first violation with baited breath!

Season V objectives

Since the team’s formation, Sporting Apostrophes have been denied the success that is rightfully theirs:

• Season I – 8th
• Season II – 8th
• Season III – 7th
• Season IV – 8th

For season V to be considered a success, the Super A’s must surely aspire to achieve a record-breaking league position of at least 5th: the dizzy heights of mid-table mediocrity. Of course, this will very much depend on whether the team is demoted to division III.

“Referee John Candy appears nonplussed by Cameo’s erection during last Sunday’s 18-2 multi-manrape”

One Flew Into The Keepers Net are under investigation by Powerleague administrators following Cameo’s cameo for the Super A’s last Sunday.

“It’s no different to the Tevez saga. If One Flew Into The Keeper’s Net get promoted we deserve compensation,” complained chairman Ernest Borgnine, applying confused logic to the situation. “Right, so he isn’t actually our player, and we pretty much begged him to play, but still, there’s something fishy about this, and it’s not the smell of Irn Bru.”

Referee John Candy’s match notes, handwritten in chicken fat, make no mention of Cameo’s moonlighting, sparking rumours of favouritism.

“Borgnine and Hinceman raid the club sperm bank to clone the next generation of elite football talent from Pele’s sacred seed”

Overview

Sporting Apostrophes’ form took a noticeable dip in the second half of the season, with just 6 points taken from a possible 21 in the last 7 matches:

W-L-W-L-W-L-D-W-L-L-L-L-L-W

McInerney and Turner’s long-term absences coincided with the team’s dismal run, leading pundits to suggest that their presence may make the difference. The pair have played together just twice this season, furthering long-standing rumours of dressing room unrest.

The Super A’s record-breaking league table finish of 7th is worthy of praise, with just 2 points separating them from 4th spot, but they’re sure to be under pressure to improve upon this in season IV.

Best Performance

Sporting Apostrophes’ 8-1 thumping of El Paso was surely the season’s stand-out moment, capped by a hat-trick for Wessely and an astonishing 5-goal haul for “guarantee” Farnsworth.

Worst Performance

The humiliating 18-2 drubbing by division II champions It’s Back was a low point – the Super A’s all-time heaviest defeat.

Goal scorers

Goalmouth terrorist Farnsworth became Sporting Apostrophes’ all-time top scorer with an incredible 22 goals this season, more than doubling McInerney’s previous record of 10, achieved in season II.

Wessely, Sporting Apostrophes’ non-blind, non-ginger Scholes, contributed an impressive 10 from midfield, his 0.83 goals-per-game ratio drawing inevitable comparisons with Ronaldo.

Following his embarrassing season II goal drought, Kimberley is once again scoring regularly, his haul of 9 in 9 clear evidence of a return to form for the diminutive striker.

Turner’s half dozen onion bag violations, scored in 6 matches, demonstrates solid progression, his goals-per-game average having improved to 1.0 from season II’s 0.88 and just 0.2 in season I.

McInerney made just 3 appearances, but his 5 goals (1.67 goals-per-game) helped the Super A’s to run out as victors twice.

Man-of-the-Match awards

“Big Ben” Hinceman, Sporting Apostrophes token American, was the stand-out player of season III, his 10 appearances resulting in an incredible 6 man-of-the-match awards, beating Hawkins’ previous record of 5. Die-hard fans, delighted with his physical, shirt-tearing performances, long to see him learn to shoot accurately, but coaches concede that his genetic predisposition to kick the ball over the bar will be difficult to overcome.

Wessely and Farnsworth won the coveted prize on 5 and 4 occasions respectively, the former primarily for his energetic midfield displays, the latter for his ability to kick a ball so hard it goes back in time.

Lissimore received the famous gong for the first time against U.B.O.C. last November. Fans wait with baited breath for his first goal for the world famous club.

Disciplinary record

Sporting Apostrophes, true to their moniker, maintained an impeccable disciplinary record with just one caution all season (Turner, in the 8-1 victory against El Paso).

Appearances

Wessely wore the famous yellow jersey 12 times, setting a new season record for the Super A’s.

Farnsworth, Hawkins and Hinceman each played 10 matches, followed by Kimberley with 9 and Lissimore with 8.

Turner, Bonell and McInerney, Apostrophes since the team’s very first appearance, turned out 6, 4 and 3 times respectively.

Special plaudits must go out to White, his 4 appearances proving invaluable during the team’s inevitable mid-season injury crisis. His man-of-the-match, hat-trick scoring debut was surely amongst this season’s highlights.

Legitimate, real-world transfer values

Just €3million separates the Apostrophes’ most valuable players:

€52,620,000 – Wessely
€51,410,000 – Farnsworth
€49,130,000 – Hinceman

All 3 smash the previous record of €43,390,000, set by Hawkins in season II.

Lissimore and Stickland, impressive whether sweeping or sheathed, both doubled their transfer value to €20million. Their defensive versatility has seen the pair repeatedly linked to Arsenal, with Wenger seeing them as the ideal solution to his ill-disciplined, want-away back four.

McInerney’s value has plummeted to just €10million from last season’s high of €40million. Bonell, Hawkins and Turner have also experienced significant falls.

Sporting Apostrophes’ Miscellany

Bonell – tasted victory for only the second time in his 16-match Apostrophes career on the final day of the season. Dedicated Apostrophe or glutton for punishment, you decide.

Farnsworth – surprising no one, he was outed as a terrorist. Repeatedly linked to Liverpool as a replacement for the misfiring Keane.

Hawkins – the manflinging sheathmeister became a father for the first time.

Hinceman – the “Beast from Baltimore” grew at least 2 inches, losing the number 2 from his shirt in the process.

Kimberley – regained his confidence and shooting plimsoles, defying critics.

Lissimore – continues to knock back the ales with gusto, against doctor’s orders.

McInerney – newly betrothen, the aging striker looks unlikely to be put out to pasture just yet.

Stickland – overcame the odds to beat the injury fairy once and for all, and amazed the fans with his secret love of sheathes.

Turner – his snowboarding training regime goes against club policy, but fans hope it will reap dividends on the hallowed astroturf.

Wessely – the Super A’s youngest player is allegedly on Zola’s hit-list following Bellamy’s departure.

“Stickland’s smile belies his inner turmoil and soiled undergarments”

Sporting Apostrophes’ fourth consecutive defeat leaves the team seventh in the table, a mere four points ahead of Dynamo Kebab.

“What positives can we take from this season?” wondered one dejected season ticket holder as he committed the sin of Onan outside the club Ubermegabonusstore. “We showed great promise early on, but we’ve lost that winning feeling. It’s like a paraplegic having a poo – sure, it comes out of the right hole, but if you can’t feel it what’s the use?”

Potential sponsors are encouraged to approach the club immediately with a view to agreeing a cut-price kit deal. Low three-figure offers will be considered and most probably accepted.

“McInerney is persona non grata at his local J.D. Wetherspoon”

Want-away grandad “static” McInerney’s troubled third season with Sporting Apostrophes shows little sign of improvement, following the publication of photos showing the aftermath of his weekend of debauchery.

“He was top-scorer last season, but last season is last season, not this season, which is the season that’s currently of most interest to me,” opined one season ticket holder outside the club superstore. “Christ, even Kimberley has scored more goals!”