Sporting Apostrophes

“Injury is no excuse for letting oneself go”

Five appearance legend Turner, still suffering from the injury problems that have plagued him this season, is a major doubt for next week’s exciting double header against Unsung Heroes and the spastics.

“The ankle has been killing me all season, hand sheathes or no hand sheathes,” he protested, during an open training session this morning. “Bed rest and drink, that’s what I need.”

“Hawkins’ unorthodox training methods are a recipe for suck cess”

The following players will be lining up for the Super A’s for Sunday’s match against FC Mackenhegan:

Bocchi
Bonell (TBC)
Hawkins
Kimberley
McInerney
Turner

Diepeveen or Hodgkiss – if either of you are available for selection this week, please voice your athletic desires.

“No! THIS is how you tackle, young man!”

Probable line-up for Sunday’s game (one additional player TBC):

Bocchi
Diepeveen (TBC)
Kimberley
Mysterious “Moose”
Stickland
Turner

Fans’ favourites – an update

The club has been inundated with phone calls and threats from supporters, demanding to know the whereabouts of some of their favourite players:

• Bonell – on a scouting mission in Ireland, following the chairman’s £30 cash injection to fund new signings.
• Davies – last week’s four-goal hero is resting.
• Hawkins – in Berlin, coaching deprived children to Advanced Fouling and Punishment NVQ Level III standard.
• McInerney – arse still ravaged by buminjuries, but the physio says he’s a cert for Sunday 22nd if he lays off the roll-ups.

Right, that’s cleared up that then.

“Hawkins contains his fury by chewing a plastic anger-supressant”

Crippled by managonies in his knees and ankles, Hawkins will wrestle the pain barrier to the deck and drop defiant faecal pellets in its mouth. Three cheers, the hero!

Probable line-up for Sunday’s game:

Bocchi
Davies (TBC)
Hawkins
Hodgkiss
Kimberley
Stickland
Turner

“Ever-present Bonell – torn between club and country”

Probable line-up for Sunday’s game:

Bocchi
Bonell (injured + international duty – TBC)
Hawkins
Hodgkiss
Kimberley
Stickland
Turner (whereabouts unknown?)

Tabloid rumours of ill-discipline with the ranks of the Super A’s were given further credence following McInerney’s “night on the tiles” following the 4-2 reverse against table-toppers Rigford Sea-Hawks. The coach’s tofu and Ribena diet was abandoned in favour of roll-ups and Guinness in what witnesses describe as a shocking display of wanton excess and depravity.

McInerney, captured on film, exercising a covert, pre-midnight Beardsley.

“Battered like a sausage, the team’s meat is throbbing with anxiety”

Rooted to the foot of the table and with a the squad ravaged by injuries, next Sunday’s fixture against table-toppers Rigford Sea-Hawks looks set to be real challenge for the Apostrophes.

Full line-up to be confirmed later in the week, but the current state of play is as follows:

The Probables:

Bonell (TBC)
Hawkins (slight injury, distraught ankles, will definitely be fit for Sunday)
Kimberley
McInerney (injured, bruised arse, possibility for Sunday)
Turner (injured, elephantitis of the ankle, possibility for Sunday)

Confirmed absentees:

Stickland
Hodgkiss

“A right pain in the George Michael”

Top scorer and chain smoker McInerney is a major doubt for Sunday’s league fixture following a freak arse injury.

“I was just parking the motor, when, upon depressing the clutch, I felt a real tightness in me arse cheek,” he wailed.

Scurrilous tabloid rumours suggest the injury was caused during rehearsals for a new goal celebration dubbed “reverse midnight Beardsley.” Another far more sinister rumour points towards retribution from an irate Turner, still smarting from the training ground bust-up reported earlier this week.

McInerney will face a rigorous examination and fitness test from the physio Brian Broadfinger (pictured).

“You rotter, don’t punish me!”

Probable line-up (one additional player TBC):

Bocchi
Hawkins
Hodgkiss
McInerney
Stickland
Turner

Unsubstantiated rumours persist of a freak training ground incident that may sideline midfield engine Turner for Sunday’s game. More news when we have it.