Sporting Apostrophes

Sporting Apostrophes – season VIII fixtures

March 2010

21/03/2010, 3:00pm – Sporting Apostrophes vs Fuel Customer Priority

28/03/2010, 1:40pm – Sporting Apostrophes vs Vac 1

28/03/2010, 2:20pm – Static Data vs Sporting Apostrophes

April 2010

11/04/2010, 3:40pm – Sporting Apostrophes vs U.B.O.C

18/04/2010, 1:40pm – El Paso vs Sporting Apostrophes

25/04/2010, 2:20pm – Sporting Apostrophes vs Lindop FC

May 2010

02/05/2010, 3:40pm – One Flew Into The Keepers Net vs Sporting Apostrophes

09/05/2010, 2:20pm – Sporting Apostrophes vs It’s Back

16/05/2010, 3:40pm – 5IVE vs Sporting Apostrophes

23/05/2010, 3:40pm – Fuel Customer Priority Sporting Apostrophes

30/05/2010, 2:20pm – Vac 1 vs Sporting Apostrophes

June 2010

06/06/2010, 3:00pm – Sporting Apostrophes vs Static Data

13/06/2010, 2:20pm – U.B.O.C vs Sporting Apostrophes

20/06/2010, 2:20pm – Sporting Apostrophes vs El Paso

27/06/2010, 3:40pm – Lindop Fc vs Sporting Apostrophes

July 2010

04/07/2010, 4:20pm – Sporting Apostrophes – One Flew Into The Keepers Net

11/07/2010, 2:20pm – It’s Back vs Sporting Apostrophes

18/07/2010, 1:40pm – Sporting Apostrophes vs 5IVE

“Farnsworth must now be considered amongst the greatest onion bag violators of all time. From left to right: Windass, Muller, Pele, Farnsworth.”

Apostrophes legend Farnsworth chalked up his 100th career goal in Sunday’s match against Swan and Speedos. The “terrorist” from Yorkshire achieved his century in just 48 appearances, making a mockery of Torres’ much lauded 50 goals in 72 matches. “Guarantee” Farnsworth capped his record-breaking performance with a 7-goal haul, a personal best for the in-fom striker.

“We’ll need the extra revenue from promotion if we’re to keep hold of him,” remarked chairman Ernest Borgnine. “The fax machine is ablaze with offers from Real Madrid, Man Utd, A.C. Milan and Rotherham. You name a big, prestigious club and I promise you, they’ve come in with a multi-million proposal.”

Farnsworth made his debut for the world’s favourite club against Matraquilhos FC on 20th July 2008.

“The boardroom whiteboard is a thought-shower wet dream”

Sporting Apostrophes have announced, somewhat belatedly, their squad numbers for the coming season:

1. Hawkins
2. Hinceman
3. Wessely
4. Lissimore
5. Correa
6. Bell
7. Turner
8. Hannigan-Daley
9. Farnsworth
10. Pacheco
11. Kimberley
15. Stickland

“A bagged up 15 shirt – a replica Stickland, one of tens of thousands ready for shipping”

The brand new Sporting Apostrophes kit is finally ready for shipping, after months of hard work in the club’s forced labour facility.

“The kids in the sweatshop are the best that money can buy,” chairman Ernest Borgnine told the gathered throng. “Bless, it’s so sweet to see the tears in their eyes as they sew stitch after stitch on their 60-hour shifts. Tears of enthusiasm, as they love this club so much.”

The Super A’s will be officially launching their new strip next Sunday prior to the match against Green Park. To celebrate the occasion, the following entertainment will be provided by Powerleague:

• Meat and onion buffet*
• Clowns fighting each other, to the death*
• Pin the tail on the referee*
• Live music from Aswad*
• Autograph signing session with Sporting Apostrophes players.

N.B. Asterisk denotes fictional entertainment.

“Excitement grips the entire planet as the new Sporting Apostrophes kit is announced”

Sporting Apostrophes have confirmed the launch of their new official team strip in September, marking a new era of professionalism for the world famous club.

“Shaw Tyre & Exhaust Co. abandoned us in our hour of need, and the subsequent kit we trialled was an unmitigated disaster,” said chairman Ernest Borgnine, addressing the myriad journalists gathered at the Apostrophes Media Centre. “In stark contrast to its predecessor, the new jersey will be breathable and short-sleeved, which is sure to maximise the aerodynamic coefficient ratio factor science by a significant spacemargin. The big, embroidered, infinitely kissable Sporting Apostrophes badge is to die for. Oh, and the matching numbered shorts are a nice touch.”

Players’ agents have expressed concern that each squad member will only be issued with the new apparel upon receipt of a £20 fee, but Borgnine dismissed the claims out of hand, citing the need to reinvest in the team’s forced labour facility in the third world.

“Hot of the presses, the incredible Sporting Apostrophes stickers”

Sporting Apostrophes’ state-of-the-art sweatshop facility, based in a secret third-world location, is busy ramping up production of the club’s exciting range of official merchandise.

“Surveys have proven beyond reasonable doubt that Sporting Apostrophes are the world’s greatest, most supported club, with over 3 billion fans worldwide,” enthused chairman Ernest Borgnine at the official sticker launch party. “The desire to create a titillating selection of collectables is as natural as beastiality.”

To receive a FREE sticker, email a photo of yourself and/or your colleagues* beside your monitor with the Sporting Apostrophes website visible to sponsor@sportingapostrophes.com, including your name and address, and you too can feel the unique Sporting Apostrophes adhesive press against your naked flesh.

* Silly photos, particularly if they’re in a corporate environment, may be rewarded with multiple stickers!

“Haig and his Jock brethren console each other after gagging on the Apostrophes’ onion quiche”

Sporting Apostrophes were awarded a 10-0 victory against no-show opponents Real So So Bad in last week’s division II fixture.

“We’ve got them running scared,” declared chairman Ernest Borgnine. “Our opponents are now so fearful of the Sporting Apostrophes that they’d rather leave the league than choke on onion. It’s highly, highly, super probable that we’ll be the only team left in the division by the end of the season. By the end of next season, we’ll be the only team in the entire league. Come Christmas, we’ll be the only football team on the planet. This irrepressible onion fear will be pandemic.”

With no league fixture to play, the Super A’s played an exhibition match against old rivals One Flew In The Keepers Net, who are currently battling for the division I championship with Static Data. To avoid injuries at this critical time of the season, the Apostrophes took pity on their opponents and gifted them a 6-4 victory.

“There was no point firing up the onion cannon,” commented Correa, Sporting Apostrophes top onion bag violator. “We’ll save that for next week’s match with U.B.O.C.”

“A Sporting Apostrophes fan makes his feelings known”

Sporting Apostrophes will continue to strike fear into the hearts and bowels of division II teams, following official news that their on-off relegation battle has been abandoned.

“Truth be told, we rely on them for gate receipts,” opined Andrew Pigott, Head Of Emailing Things And Facebook at Powerleague London City. “We’d lose untold millions on merchandise and TV rights, so we’d be foolish to relegate them. After all, they are the world’s favourite football team!”

Fans’ forums were ablaze following news that both division I and II will be extended to 10 teams, increasing the season length to an astonishing 18 games.

“With international fixtures, the Champions League and exhibition games in the far east, I don’t know how we’re supposed to keep the squad fit, ready and marginally able,” chairman Ernest Borgnine complained, aghast at the last-minute league expansion. “Nevertheless, with One Flew In The Keepers Net out of the way I confidently predict promotion this season.”

“A distraught Sporting Apostrophes fan kneels before Bonell”

Apostrophes legend Bonell has announced his retirement at the end of the season.

“It’s been a privilege playing for the greatest team the world has ever known, and I’m grateful to the fans for their indefatigable support,” he enthused, weeping tears from both his eyes and his penis. “After much soul searching, followed by an anguished, fist-clenching dump, I’ve finally come to the realisation that it’s time for me to pursue other interests. I may, however, return for the occasional exhibition match, to remind fans how great Swede and onion taste together.”

An original Apostrophe, the cultured Scandinavian made his debut in the Super A’s very first match at Powerleague Old Street against the now defunct Sugary Teas. Bonell proceeded to wear the famous jersey a total of 19 times, making him the eighth most capped player in the team’s history. The versatile midfielder demonstrated a healthy appetite for onion, scoring a very respectable 9 goals, winning the coveted man-of-the-match award on five occasions.

Bonell, ever the entertainer, saved the best for last, making arguably his finest appearance for the Apostrophes in his last game, scoring 2 goals and earning the man-of-the-match gong.

“He’ll never be forgotten,” added an emotional chairman Ernest Borgnine, the mastermind behind Bonell’s transfer to the world famous club. “We wish him the very best with his future endeavours.”

To view Bonell’s Sporting Apostrophes player profile, please click here.

“Kimberley turns on the Chelmsley style”

Sporting Apostrophes’ new squad numbers for season IV:

1. Hawkins
2. Turner
3. Stickland
4. Wessely
7. Farnsworth
8. Bonell
9. McInerney
10. Lissimore
14. Kimberley
16. Hinceman

“Borgnine puts pen to paper on the historic sponsorship deal, which includes image rights for Farnsworth, Wessely and Hawkins”

Sadlier-Ward, the Kent-based building contractor, has become Sporting Apostrophes’ official shirt sponsor in a multi-million pound, one-season deal.

“We are in difficult economic times, catastrophic some might say, but this deal shows that there are still deals to be done,” chairman Ernest Borgnine told Super A’s TV. “It’s not to say that football is not going to be impacted by that. But if you can combine the strength of a brand like Sporting Apostrophes and a company like Sadlier-Ward, then you have got a winning, almost sexual combination.”

Sadlier-Ward, a household name thanks to the many buildings they’ve been contracted to work on, announced the deal at a press conference attended by Borgnine, Hawkins, Wessely and FIFPro World Player of the Year, Farnsworth.

“We’re delighted to welcome such a prestigious partner as Sadlier-Ward to Sporting Apostrophes,” added Borgnine. “Their reputation for excellence and innovation and really big building contracts makes them a fitting and exciting sponsor. Kimberley is well known as a lover of buildings, Kent and really big contracts – now we have a partner that shares his passion!”

Jean-Claude Maidstone, chief executive of Sadlier-Ward, said, “We’re very proud to be the official shirt sponsor of the most prestigious football club in the world.”

Fans have expressed concern at Sadlier-Ward’s insistence that the “super yellows” wear a blue strip, but Borgnine remains convinced that both players and fans alike will be thrilled to wear the new jersey.

“The new shirt pays ample respect to Sporting Apostrophes’ long heritage by way of three golden stripes, approximately one for each season the team wore yellow. Two red stripes also appear, as a reminder of the famous red bibs the team wore during their historic first season. The shirt also sports a crest of some sort on the left breast, but we’re not really sure what it means yet.”

“Lissimore simulates advanced counter attacking methods using the Apostrophes’ proprietary software”

Sporting Apostrophes software development programme (codenamed “Oracle“) continues to reap dividends with the arrival of new, per-season match statistics.

Chairman Ernest Borgnine was in bullish mood at the official unveiling of the hotly-anticipated new feature:

“The arrival of this update begs the question: will we ever lose again?” he asked the gathered journalists, who proceeded to shake their heads and penises vigorously to indicate their absolute approval. “Despite winning a mere 20% of the 29 matches we’ve played to date, there’s little doubt that Sporting Apostrophes are the greatest football team of all time bar none. Pele, Beckenbauer, Maradona, Hinceman, Farnsworth, Wessely – these are players the world can never forget.”

Rival fans were quick to ridicule the Super A’s terrible performance in season 2, but with a noticeable improvement this season Apostrophes fans have much to look forward to.