Sporting Apostrophes

“Father admires the official merchandise, available from the club shop”

Another sell-out under the arches resulted in a disappointing 8-5 reverse against Belarussion Domination yesterday,

“In the first half we were rubbish” opined chairman Ernest Borgnine. “They punished us good and proper, but we rallied in the second half and put in a good performance. It truly was a game of two testes.”

To the dismay of the fans, the Apostrophes were forced to play without their famous red bibs. Referee Barry Gibb, once again granted the privilege of refereeing a Super A’s classic, insisted that the bibs rendered the team invisible, given the red shirts of Belarus and the red playing surface.

Visibly disorientated by the change of attire, Sporting Apostrophes kicked off with a familiar line-up: Turner donning the hand sheathes; Bocchi’s Italian meat up the rear; Kimberley playing the role of puffing floater; Davies dishing up a generous helping of flair with a side order of goals up top; Stickland shouting up and down the right wing.

Within the first two minutes, the Super A’s were a goal up, courtesy of a hammer-like toe-poke that would grace any primary school playground from Kimberley. The exertion of scoring too much for him, Kimberley chose to rest on his laurels, the injured Hawkins his replacement.

Chants of “Belarus! Belarus!” filled the arches as the Apostrophes opponents upped their game. A flurry of long distance shots ensued, five of which miraculously found their target.

Fans on the terraces wondered whether it was the introduction of Hawkins that led to the embarrassing capitulation. “He’s not fit to wear the bib,” they cried, as Hawkins laboured about the pitch, slower than a pensioner on dialysis, as the referee blew the half time whistle.

The second half saw a marked improvement in the Super A’s performance and aggression. Bocchi and Turner put in a sparkling defensive display, out-leaping and out-muscling their adversaries respectively. With Kimberley and Stickland alternating in the role of soux chef to Davies’ celebrity chef, an improbable victory seemed an outside possibility.

Despite four well taken goals from Davies and a final warning from the referee for Hawkins, the second-gear exploits of the Apostrophes in the first half proved their undoing, with three more goals from Belarus deciding the fixture.

Sporting Apostrophes continue to prop up the second division table. A terrible injustice!

Score: 5-8
Squad: Bocchi, Davies, Hawkins, Kimberley, Stickland, Turner.
Goals: Davies (4), Kimberley (1).

“Hawkins contains his fury by chewing a plastic anger-supressant”

Crippled by managonies in his knees and ankles, Hawkins will wrestle the pain barrier to the deck and drop defiant faecal pellets in its mouth. Three cheers, the hero!

Probable line-up for Sunday’s game:

Bocchi
Davies (TBC)
Hawkins
Hodgkiss
Kimberley
Stickland
Turner

“Ever-present Bonell – torn between club and country”

Probable line-up for Sunday’s game:

Bocchi
Bonell (injured + international duty – TBC)
Hawkins
Hodgkiss
Kimberley
Stickland
Turner (whereabouts unknown?)

3pm kick-off, Sunday 8th June 2008 at Powerleague Old Street.

The Apostrophes remain rooted to the foot of the table – a terrible injustice!

Tabloid rumours of ill-discipline with the ranks of the Super A’s were given further credence following McInerney’s “night on the tiles” following the 4-2 reverse against table-toppers Rigford Sea-Hawks. The coach’s tofu and Ribena diet was abandoned in favour of roll-ups and Guinness in what witnesses describe as a shocking display of wanton excess and depravity.

McInerney, captured on film, exercising a covert, pre-midnight Beardsley.

“Forgive me, father, for I have chinned.”

The enthralling six-goal fixture against Rigford Sea-Hawks (RSH) yesterday ended in yet another tragic defeat for the Super A’s.

“It was a solid, bordering on thuggish performance against a quality side” enthused chairman Ernest Borgnine. “Despite being ravaged by injuries, hangovers and an eclectic mix of haircuts, the team did everyone proud.”

With three appearance legend Turner donning the hand sheathes, the match commenced with debutants Bocchi and Davies playing up top, with Kimberley and McInerney providing support at the back. Substitutes Bonell and Hawkins looked on apprehensively; could the Apostrophes really succeed against a team with an embroidered kit and a modicum of talent?

New signing Davies immediately put RSH to the sword, with a dazzling array of moves combined with boundless energy. Hawkins, upon replacing Kimberley, also put RSH to the sword, with a dazzling array of fouls, wrestling moves and blocking techniques, much to the delight of the fans.

“There’s only one albino Heskey!” the crowd roared, mid-Mexican wave.

RSH, clearly rattled by the unexpected heroics of the bottom-of-the-league team, regained a degree of composure, their afro-wielding right winger knocking in a tasty tap in to make the score 0-1. The Super A’s, riled by the terrible injustice of not being in the lead, scored two goals in rapid succession thanks to some sublime play by Davies. The Sea-Hawks promptly equalised, moments before referee Barry Gibb blew the half time whistle with the team level at two apiece.

The second half proved more challenging than the first. Bonell, Hawkins and Kimberley, suffering from alcohol injuries and limited stamina, were frequently substituted, often in tears. Bocchi continued to add some Italian meat to the side, whilst McInerney soldiered on through the pain, his arse visibly swollen and turtle-heading from the exertion.

Turner’s heroics spared the team’s dignity, his man-hands coveting the ball like a wild-eyed rapist at a fun fair, whilst Davies’ unrelenting assault on the Sea-Hawks prompted accusations of doping, with one pundit even commenting “he’s like Maradona in ’94, only with more pace and a better hairdo.”

To the dismay of the fans, the superior fitness and embroidered kits of the Sea-Hawks ultimately proved their worth, with a goal mid-half and another at the death sealing the Super A’s fate.

Sporting Apostrophes remain cemented to the foot of the table. A terrible injustice!

Score: 2-4
Squad: Bocchi, Bonell, Davies, Hawkins, Kimberley, McInerney, Turner.
Goals: Davies (2).

Action shots… for the fans

“Artist’s impression of what Davies could possibly just maybe perhaps look like”

Following weeks of speculation, Davies will make his hotly-anticipated first appearance for the Super A’s next Sunday.

The big question on the lips of every die-hard fan – will he have the courage, manliness and chest size below 50″ required to don the hallowed number 10 bib?

“Battered like a sausage, the team’s meat is throbbing with anxiety”

Rooted to the foot of the table and with a the squad ravaged by injuries, next Sunday’s fixture against table-toppers Rigford Sea-Hawks looks set to be real challenge for the Apostrophes.

Full line-up to be confirmed later in the week, but the current state of play is as follows:

The Probables:

Bonell (TBC)
Hawkins (slight injury, distraught ankles, will definitely be fit for Sunday)
Kimberley
McInerney (injured, bruised arse, possibility for Sunday)
Turner (injured, elephantitis of the ankle, possibility for Sunday)

Confirmed absentees:

Stickland
Hodgkiss

Next week’s fixture against table-toppers Rigford Sea-Hawks will be hard work!

KO 2.20pm, Sunday 1st June 2008 at Powerleague Old Street.

“My peripheral vision is so poor I can’t see my fingers”

A capacity crowd witnessed the dramatic twelve-goal thriller against the Jocks of One Flew Into the Keepers Net (OFIKN) today, which tragically ended in defeat for the Super A’s.

“My outrage is subsiding” moaned chairman Ernest Borgnine. “The boys showed incredible courage in the face of adversity, but an incredible lack of stamina proved their undoing”.

With crocked striker McInerney watching from the stands, the team started nervously, aware of the lack of substitutes on the bench. Bonell, clearly angered by his nation’s poor Eurovision ranking, made a lively start. Debutants Hodgkiss and Stickland, playing defence and goal-hanger respectively, looked right at home in what was an unfamiliar line-up for the Apostrophes. Turner, equalling the Super A’s appearance record of two, continued his fine form, marshalling the midfield like a white chocolate Makélélé.

The first ten minutes saw a vicious onslaught from OFIKN – “Adhesive Digits” Hawkins leapt to the team’s rescue like a rabies-ridden man-cat. Apostrophes gained their composure with the onion bag molested just once by enemy toe-pokes, when a savage mantackle felled goalscorer Turner outside the box.

“It hurt like a bastard,” he protested, as he was carried off the field.

Spectators looked on in amazement as McInerney cheered on the sidelines, adding to the rumours of dressing room unrest.

Down to four men and with energy in short supply, the Super A’s were soon 2-1 behind. Against the run of play, the scores were leveled by Stickland before the ref blew the whistle for half time.

The second half saw the Apostrophes regroup. Turner’s ankle, swollen and deformed beyond Beadle’s worst nightmare, bravely donned the goalkeeper’s gloves, putting in a sterling performance for the remainder of the game. Hawkins, unbridled from his hand sheathes, ran amok, choosing to run through his opponents rather than past them, with Hodgkiss proving equally robust down the flanks.

The Super A’s, their last soupcon of energy spent, pegged the score back on three occasions during the half, with goals from Bonell, Hawkins and another cannon from Stickland. However, the superior fitness of OFIKN, combined with the injuries, bad luck, poor refereeing and meteorological interference that cursed the Apostrophes from start to finish, resulted in a 7-5 reverse for the heroic Pele spawn.

Sporting Apostrophes remain rooted to the foot of the table. A terrible injustice!

Score: 5-7
Squad: Bonell, Hawkins, Hodgkiss, Stickland, Turner.
Goals: Bonell (1), Hawkins (1), Stickland (2), Turner (1).