Sporting Apostrophes

“Hinceman on international duty for Soccerball Team USA”

“I can’t wait to get my teeth into YOH FC on Sunday,” Hinceman announced to the throng of paparazzi outside the Apostrophes training theme park. “OK, so they’re unbeaten, and the bookies have us at odds of 250-1, but that’s just statistics and gay witchcraft.”

Nobody at the club could confirm the exact meaning of the term “gay witchcraft” at the time of going to press.

“Behold the abundance of pitch girth and non-indoors goodness”

Tabloid rumours suggest that the Super A’s will be transferring to Powerleague City next season, just a 5-minute walk from Powerleague Old Street.

“The pitches are much wider, and, as they have a second tier, the Apostrophes will thrive amongst poor quality teams,” noted one season ticket holder, who appeared unfazed at the prospect of watching the Super A’s at a different arena. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting that they’re anything other than heroically uber-boss and brilliant,” he added.

Chairman Ernest Borgnine was unavailable for comment.

“The team work up a sinister, un-Godly sweat in their 100% polyester, non-breathable training tops purchased by the almighty Shaw Tyre & Exhaust Co. From left to right: Farnsworth, Bonell, Hawkins, Kimberley, McInerney, Turner”

Fans’ favourite Bonell is scheduled to return following his 3-match absence. The Swedish dynamo will be joined by long-term injury victim Stickland, who will don the famous yellow jersey for the first time having recovered from his knee badness.

Left back legend Lissimore will be out for a number of weeks following the toe breakage terror suffered during Sunday’s game against Los Diablos. Turner will be keeping him company on the sidelines for another week of recuperation.

Hopeless, hapless, handicapped striker Kimberley returns from his completely undeserved holiday with a point to prove. Free-scoring “hotshot” McInerney is being rested for this crucial tie, thereby gifting the equally potent Farnsworth the opportunity to add to his impressive goal tally.

Hawkins is expected to shield his precious fingers from the leather brutality of the size 5 once again, with Hinceman lining up for another impressive midfield performance.

Probable line-up for Sunday’s clash with table-toppers YOH:

Bonell
Farnsworth
Hawkins
Hinceman
Kimberley
Stickland

“Fans show their love for the onion bag violations”

With their punishing second season nearing the half way mark, the Super A’s succumbed to the superior fitness and miscellaneous, distracting hairstyles of Los Diablos, losing 10-4.

“It was a cracking game, a bloody corker!” enthused chairman Ernest Borgnine during his regular, post-match coffee enema. “The boys displayed great teamwork and, despite the result going against us, I’m convinced that our beloved sponsor Shaw Tyre & Exhaust Co will acknowledge that we’re making real progress.”

The vast, real life crowd gasped in awe as the Apostrophes superstars took the field in their famous yellow strip. McInerney, chasing Kimberley’s scoring record, headed the team in attack, supported by recent signings Farnsworth and Hinceman in midfield. Lissimore adopted his usual defensive role, whilst Hawkins slipped all ten of his suspiciously adhesive digits into the legendary hand sheathes.

Buoyed by the deafening cheers of the genuine fans, the Super A’s unique “total football” experience commenced at 3pm on the nose, officiated once again by fans’ favourite Mugabe. The Apostrophes stroked the ball around the pitch beautifully, the three-pronged attack of Farnsworth, Hinceman and McInerney proving more successful than a much loved fork, possibly even more so than the trident of a fictional manbeast from the sea.

Inevitably, with no substitutes, good fortune or witchcraft to assist them, the Super A’s were all too soon a goal down courtesy of Los Diablos’ all natural, attacking perm. Delicious responses from Farnsworth and McInerney delighted the crowd, but their mouth-watering efforts weren’t enough to level the score before the half time whistle sounded.

Hawkins and Lissimore reversed roles for the second half, as the team adopted a steely defensive formation. Los Diablos’, visibly agitated by the Super A’s new tactic, repeatedly remonstrated, shouted and even released toxic anal gasses in an attempt to disorientate their opponents. As true gentlemen of the sport, the Apostrophes maintained their composure, good looks and dignity for the remainder of game, adding another two goals for good measure.

Despite their efforts, the Super A’s left the arena for their post-match drinks with The Rolling Stones, P-Diddy and the Pope with the bitter, stinking, poo-ridden taste of defeat stinging their lips like a bee with a particularly potent death-sting.

Sporting Apostrophes remain in 6th position, six points behind Unsung Heroes. A terrible injustice!

Score: 4-10
Squad: Farnsworth, Hawkins, Hinceman, Lissimore, McInerney.
Goals: Farnsworth (2), McInerney (2).

2.20pm kick-off, Sunday 17th August 2008 at Powerleague Old Street.

Please leave a comment indicating your availability for this exciting Super A’s fixture.

3pm kick-off, Sunday 10th August 2008 at Powerleague Old Street.

“The fans are like Queen: they want it all and they want it now”

The Super A’s were thrashed ten-nil by Unsung Heroes yesterday, marking a new low for the world famous club.

“We passed the ball about nicely enough” explained chairman Ernest Borgnine. “The only things we lack are tactical nous, fitness, skill, concentration and the sheer will to win. Our beloved sponsor Shaw Tyre & Exhaust Co will be displeased with this result, but I’m sure they’ll acknowledge that the team is moving forward in a very tough division.”

The Apostrophes sported a familiar line-up with the addition of new signing Hinceman, whose $10 million transfer from Baltimore’s Crystal Palace F.C. was completed late last Friday evening. His central midfield role received support from the never-ever-score-again Kimberley, with McInerney leading the line. Hawkins, donning brand new hand sheathes following the horror latex injury suffered in last week’s game, aimed to preserve the integrity of the plywood onion bag, with Lissimore providing defensive cover.

The first half started brightly enough, with the Super A’s stroking the ball about playfully across the pitch, to the delight of the innumerable fans. Unfortunately, their joy was short lived, as the Apostrophes manly, beast-like momentum was savagely castrated by the scythe of mother misfortune. Distraught and confused, further punishment ensued, leaving a disorientated, deflated and tired (though extremely handsome) team to retire to the lavish splendour of their changing boudoir for half time five goals down.

The second half saw no improvement, despite encouraging signs from partizan referee Mugabe, once again given the “I’d kill thousands to do this” privilege of officiating a Super A’s “Classico”. Hawkins and Lissimore switched positions in an attempt to confuse and amaze the infidels, but their efforts proved futile, the game ending a disappointing 10-0 to Unsung Heroes.

Sporting Apostrophes remain pointless, hovering above the bottom of the table by way of goal difference. A terrible injustice!

Score: 0-10
Squad: Hawkins, Hinceman, Kimberley, Lissimore, McInerney.

“Kimberley takes the ‘rubbish’ tag literally”

Fans’ forums are ablaze with transfer rumours following out-of-form striker Kimberley’s miserable run of 5 games with no goals.

“He’s rubbish, like some sort of sick Jan Molby / Heather Mills hybrid,” complained one visibly upset season ticket holder. “There’s ample support from midfield and he’s not been short of chances. I just don’t understand what’s going on.”

Kimberley has been linked with several Major League clubs who covet his questionable work ethic and willingness to be substituted.

“Kimberley’s ‘back-to-third-world-basics’ training regime is of dubious merit”

“McInerney looks bewildered by father’s Adidas tumour”

The eleven-goal thriller against Matraquilhos FC yesterday ended in yet another defeat for the mighty Super A’s.

“It was ugly, up-in-the-air football, the kind that makes a purist sick from his bumhole” cried chairman Ernest Borgnine. “Yet again, concentration was in short supply, and we were punished accordingly. How on earth I’ll explain this to our beloved sponsor Shaw Tyre & Exhaust Co I don’t know.”

The Apostrophes, bolstered by new signings Farnsworth and Lissimore, sported an exciting new line up, to the delight of the capacity crowd. The in-form Turner patrolled the midfield, supported by the out-of-form, never-to-score-again Kimberley and new boy Farnsworth. Defensive duties were in the capable hands of Lissimore, supported by Hawkins, once again donning the famous hand sheathes. Against medical advice, McInerney roamed freely, in defiance of the cruel “static” nickname so often heard from the terraces.

“C’est une Catastrophe!” the crowd cried within moments of the kick-off, when a misunderstanding between Hawkins and Lissimore led to Matraquilhos’ first blood. The infidels soon scored a second, angering the voluminous, real-life, genuine crowd.

The Super A’s lapse of concentration soon passed, replaced by world-class, pass-and-move football that would grace the world’s greatest stadia. In football, like life, beauty must lead to punishment: in this instance, the blow was dealt by McInerney, with seconds of the first half to spare. The team retired to the hot tub a goal down, but with the testes of fate firmly within their baboon-like grasp.

The second half saw the Super A’s repeatedly take the lead thanks to a tidy brace by Farnsworth, plus a goal from Turner and a McInerney penalty. The team threatened to win the match on a number of occasions, but with the clock running down and concentration wavering, the Apostrophes were punished by Matraquilhos, who edged ahead at the death.

Sporting Apostrophes remain precariously close to the foot of the table. A terrible injustice!

Score: 5-6
Squad: Farnsworth, Hawkins, Kimberley, Lissimore, McInerney, Turner.
Goals: Farnsworth (2), McInerney (2), Turner (1).

1pm kick-off, Sunday 27th July 2008 at Powerleague Old Street.

“The Super A’s African Realtopbonus Soccer Education (A.R.S.E.) programme is sure to reap dividends”

Yesterday’s 12-goal thriller against Rigford Sea-Hawks ended in another tragic defeat for the Super A’s.

“We passed the ball about nicely, but our defensive frailties were exposed yet again” complained chairman Ernest Borgnine. “The boys are blessed with a divine talent, of that I’m certain, but they mustn’t get carried away with showboating when there’s hard manlygraft to be done. How I’ll explain this result to our beloved sponsor Shaw Tyre & Exhaust Co. I just don’t know.”

The Super A’s fielded a galaxy of stars including Bonell, McInerney, Turner (returning from his one-month lay-off) and the on-loan Cameo, to the delight and amazement of the enormous, real-life crowd. With the exception of Hawkins, who once again donned the sheathes of handiness, the team adopted a “freestyle” formation, mixing up their positions in a way that mankind has never before witnessed, and in all probability never will again.

For the first few minutes of the match, the Apostrophes’ unique tactic appeared to work. The team stroked the sphere from player to player with much beauty, evoking cries of “ace,” “manbonus” and even “beefvenom” from the innumerable fans. Things were looking very positive for the Super A’s until the Sea-Hawks, breaking down the left wing, struck the ball past a hapless Hawkins whose digits were looking somewhat less than their adhesive best. A Bonell blast briefly kept the team in the match, but it wasn’t enough to stop the Super A’s retiring to the luxury of their 5-star changing rooms 6-1 down.

With the substitutes bench a barren, lonely place, and with energy levels waning, the Apostrophes could do little to prevent a second half onslaught. Despite some great movement from Bonell and the rejuvenated Turner, with the assistance of some Cameo muscle, the team’s lack of defensive coherence led to further brutal punishment. A bizarre own goal added to the Apostrophes tally, to the delight of the abundant crowd, leaving the team to wind down the clock until referee Robert Mugabe called time with the score at an unacceptable 10-2 to the Sea-Hawks.

For the first time in the club’s history, Sporting Apostrophes climb to seventh in the league table! However, the imbeciles at Powerleague have spelt the team name incorrectly, which is a source of great embarrassment to the team and its beloved sponsor Shaw Tyre & Exhaust Co. A terrible injustice!

Score: 2-10
Squad: Bonell, Cameo, Hawkins, McInerney, Turner.
Goals: Bonell (1) plus one own-goal.

3pm kick-off, Sunday 20th July 2008 at Powerleague Old Street.