Sporting Apostrophes

“The smell of onion bag is second only to Brut aftershave in Turner’s affections”

Yesterday’s bruising encounter with league newcomers Green Park ended in a disappointing 4-3 defeat for the world’s favourite football team.

“A cruel, cruel loss” wept chairman Ernest Borgnine.“It was a spirited performance by the team, but once again the hand of fate has cupped our collective scrotums and squeezed hard. No doubt our beloved sponsor Shaw Tyre & Exhaust Co will be displeased with this result – how I’ll explain it to them I don’t know.”

Even the most die-hard Apostrophes fans were releasing brown pebbles of joy as the team took to the field. The in-form Turner was the first to leave the tunnel, to great applause from the genuinely vast crowd. McInerney soon followed, defying age and Mother Nature to make his 14th appearance for the club. Hand sheath enthusiast Hawkins soon joined them, accompanied by a confident, rejuvenated Kimberley, his hunger for goals evident from the lone testicle dangling from his shorts.

The capacity crowd, by now in such a frenzy that several deaths had occurred, were unprepared for the appearance of Wessely, Sporting Apostophes’ new signing from West Ham United. “A legend is born!” the fans cried, as a small orphan boy child was ritually slaughtered in his honour.

At the instruction of referee Mugabe, Green Park kicked off the first half hesitantly, clearly fearful of the Super A’s. Their fear soon evaporated after they poked the ball past Hawkins, who, despite a string of fine saves, was wrong-footed by a fine one-two attacking manoeuvre. McInerney replied with a vicious stab, to the delight of the innumerable fans, but their delight soon turned to horror as a crunching tackle left him writhing on the floor.

“Put him down, he’s so old!” the away fans sang, as a bruised, battered McInerney hobbled from the pitch, urine streaming down his aging pegs.

Visibly shaken by events on the pitch, the referee signalled the end of the first half with the score at 1-2, leaving the Apostrophes to return to their changing and leisure complex a man down.

Determined to quaff at the fountain of victory, Sporting Apostrophes kicked off the second half. Turner and Wessely worked overtime to compensate for the one player deficit; even Kimberley, unable to walk until the age of 10, put in an inspired performance, bullying his way from end to end.

“Penalty!” screamed Mugabe, after a blunder by Green Park’s ‘keeper!

McInerney, the taste of onion bag violation still fresh on his lips, returned to the field, hoping to step up for the kick, but it was left to Turner to hammer the ball home and level the scores.

Turner and Wessely sustained injuries soon after, leaving the Apostrophes with just two extremely fit players in Hawkins and Kimberley. Another howitzer from Turner hinted at a Super A’s victory, but the walking wounded were unable to suppress the increasing attacking threat from Green Park, the final score being a terribly unfair 3-4 reverse.

With two matches left of their second season, Sporting Apostrophes hopes of winning silverware are looking slim. A terrible injustice!

Score: 3-4
Squad: Hawkins, Kimberley, McInerney, Turner, Wessely.
Goals: McInerney (1), Turner (2).

1.40pm kick-off, Sunday 28th September 2008 at Powerleague Old Street.

Please leave a comment indicating your availability for this unmissable Super A’s fixture.

“Borgnine covets the European Cup, brim-full of Pele seed from a single, Biblical ejaculate from the Ballfather, hallowed be thy Plimsoles”

Sporting Apostrophes’ beloved chairman Ernest Borgnine reiterated his desire for silverware following confirmation of the team’s transfer to the Liverpool Street Powerleague next season.

“With the wealth of talent in this squad we should be challenging on all fronts,” he declared. “The team has everything: pace, skill, desire, passion, looks, magic, beef, and, crucially, the support of the late Christopher Reeve. With the rub of the green and perhaps a few bereavements elsewhere in the division, I truly believe that we can dominate this league for decades to come.”

Hinceman pulls up his trousers having chosen not to use the toilet following a trademark Borgnine pebble-dashing.

Hinceman’s Oktoberfest “holiday” was today revealed as a cover story for his proposed mega-money transfer to Bundesliga champions Bayern Munich.

“He has pace, height in abundance and his own kit – who wouldn’t want a player with those qualities?” remarked one Apostrophes fan upon hearing the news.

Rumours suggest that Kimberley may be used as a makeweight in the deal, but Bayern have expressed interest in receiving a family-size pack of Wagon Wheels instead.

Sunday’s physical encounter of the non-loving kind against Unsung Heroes ended in an unfortunate 7-3 reverse for the world’s greatest football team.

“The boys played with tremendous leidenschaft, an almost sexual passion” commented chairman Ernest Borgnine at the post-match Scientology forum. “With the injured Lissimore bravely donning the sheathes and the substitutes bench a barren, lonely place, the Super A’s put in a brave performance worthy of champions, albeit champions who haven’t won anything and aren’t very good.”

Sporting Apostrophes’ onion bag violations came courtesy of Turner, who continues to shine despite his sinister aboriginal upbringing, plus a brace from lethal scoring weapon McInerney, whose 15 goal return in 13 games makes him favourite to take home the coveted brown plimsole.

Sporting Apostrophes’ are now doomed to end the season in the bottom three of Division I. A terrible injustice!

Score: 3-7
Squad: Hinceman, Kimberley, Lissimore, McInerney, Turner.
Goals: McInerney (2), Turner (1).

3pm kick-off, Sunday 21st September 2008 at Powerleague Old Street.

Please leave a comment indicating your availability for this unmissable Super A’s fixture.

“Chairman Ernest Borgnine hands Kimberley his goalcashbonustopmoney following his brace on Sunday”

Confirmed line-up for Sunday’s clash with Unsung Heroes:

Hinceman
Kimberley
Lissimore
McInerney
Turner

Fans’ forums were ablaze with rumours after the club announced that two additional players will be making their league debuts on Sunday. Their surnames remain unconfirmed at time of going to press, but bookies are taking bets on a host of thoroughbred talent.

“Turner dry wretches at the sight of Stickland’s groin injury as McInerney, in a state of arousal, unleashes the camcorder”

Stickland’s programme of advanced stretching has landed him on the Sporting Apostrophes injury list for the second time this season.

“Typical! After such a good performance on Sunday he’s now sidelined for several weeks thanks to his stupid manstretches,” moaned chairman Ernest Borgnine. “Who the hell does he think he is, Rudolf Nureyev?”

“Kimberley’s last goal arrived before God gave the Holy Handsheathes unto Hawkins”

Sporting Apostrophes’ all-star line-up romped to a thrilling 9-3 victory in yesterday’s match against league newcomers Real Ale Madrid.

“Outstanding!” cried chairman Ernest Borgnine at the final whistle, his sex wee ricocheting across the stadium. “The team put in a fantastic performance worthy of many a celebratory visit to the temple of Onan. This result is absolutely certain to strike fear into the hearts of our Division I opponents.”

With Tina Turner’s “Simply The Best” blasting from the PA, the Super A’s danced forth from the tunnel at exactly 3.35pm, sensibly allowing ample time to arouse supporters with one of their trademark dance routines. At the head of the pack, Hawkins, Hinceman and Turner ran forth to construct the base of a human pyramid, as Farnsworth, Stickland and McInerney followed to erect the middle tier.

“They’re running out in approximate height order!” screamed the fans, unable to contain their excitement.

Following several seconds later, the out-of-form Kimberley appeared, his tiny, midget frame destined to crown the manly white chocolate Toblerone. With Kimberley in place, the team paused to allow fans to appreciate this incredible spectacle dubbed the “eighth wonder of the world.” With the fans in an uncontrollable frenzy, the team assumed their starting positions as referee Mugabe ordered the commencement of the first half.

The Super A’s were a goal to the good within a matter of minutes thanks to a trademark cannon from Farnsworth. The genuine fans gasped in awe as Kimberley added a second, ending his barren, sickening, out-of-form run of misery with one well-placed tap-in.

“Hurrah! More onion bag violations!” the fans screamed, and so it came to pass.

Real Ale Madrid replied thanks to a fierce free kick from outside the area, but the potent, phallocentric force of the Apostrophes proved irresistible as more goals soon arrived. With the score at 5-1, the team retired to their palatial dressing room at half time, the smell of victory filling all fourteen of their heroic nostrils.

The second half was a tense affair, with no onion bag violations arriving for several minutes. A solid defensive performance by Stickland thwarted the Real Ale Madrid attack on numerous occasions, as the rejuvenated, goal-hungry Super A’s sought further reward. Their insatiable appetite for goals was soon.. well… satiated somewhat, as goals from McInerney, Farnsworth, a stunning hat-trick from Turner and an incredible second from Kimberley capped a record-breaking nine-goal haul for the Super A’s, the final score being an impressive 9-3 victory.

Despite winning last Sunday, Sporting Apostrophes hopes of winning the Division I title are looking bleak; those with basic numeracy skills might even say mathematically impossible. A terrible injustice!

Score: 9-3
Squad: Farnsworth, Hawkins, Hinceman, Kimberley, McInerney, Stickland, Turner.
Goals: Farnsworth (2), Kimberley (2), McInerney (2), Turner (3).

3pm kick-off, Sunday 14th September 2008 at Powerleague Old Street.

Please leave a comment indicating your availability for this unmissable Super A’s fixture.

“With the smell of a potential victory filling their manly nostrils, the athletes accelerate to a mild canter. From left to right: Hinceman, McInerney, Stickland, Turner, Hawkins, Farnsworth, Kimberley”

League newcomers Real Ale Madrid face the daunting task of lining up against a team of Apostrophes legends:

Farnsworth
Hawkins
Hinceman
Kimberley
McInerney
Stickland
Turner