Sporting Apostrophes

“A distraught Sporting Apostrophes fan kneels before Bonell”

Apostrophes legend Bonell has announced his retirement at the end of the season.

“It’s been a privilege playing for the greatest team the world has ever known, and I’m grateful to the fans for their indefatigable support,” he enthused, weeping tears from both his eyes and his penis. “After much soul searching, followed by an anguished, fist-clenching dump, I’ve finally come to the realisation that it’s time for me to pursue other interests. I may, however, return for the occasional exhibition match, to remind fans how great Swede and onion taste together.”

An original Apostrophe, the cultured Scandinavian made his debut in the Super A’s very first match at Powerleague Old Street against the now defunct Sugary Teas. Bonell proceeded to wear the famous jersey a total of 19 times, making him the eighth most capped player in the team’s history. The versatile midfielder demonstrated a healthy appetite for onion, scoring a very respectable 9 goals, winning the coveted man-of-the-match award on five occasions.

Bonell, ever the entertainer, saved the best for last, making arguably his finest appearance for the Apostrophes in his last game, scoring 2 goals and earning the man-of-the-match gong.

“He’ll never be forgotten,” added an emotional chairman Ernest Borgnine, the mastermind behind Bonell’s transfer to the world famous club. “We wish him the very best with his future endeavours.”

To view Bonell’s Sporting Apostrophes player profile, please click here.

“Stickland and Hinceman run to congratulate Kimberley on his delicious onion bag violation”

The Jocks of One Flew Into The Keepers Net unleashed their “Tartan Tsunami” upon the Super A’s for the fifth time in Sunday’s exciting division II encounter, as the team ran out to a somewhat flattering 8-3 victory.

“Barring a miracle they’re guaranteed promotion now,” chairman Ernest Borgnine conceded, a copy of the league table clenched firmly between his taut buttocks. “Full credit to them, they’re unbeaten, having punished all comers with the explosive force of their haggis facial.”

Sporting Apostrophes boasted a talent-packed, half dozen line-up: truly a sight for the stinging, piss-sore eyes of the innumerable fans present, having been subjected to a threadbare slice of the famous Super A’s quiche far too often in recent weeks.

Fans roared their approval as “terrorist” Farnsworth appeared from the players’ tunnel, his landmark fiftieth goal fast approaching. McInerney followed, his declining strike rate evidence of the cruel inevitability of Old Father Time. Stickland joined them, fully recovered from the humiliating 18-2 rape at the hands of El Paso, along with Kimberley, his debilitating facial alopecia and mystery hand growths a source of concern on the terraces. The “Beast from Baltimore”, back from his mid-season skiing break, was next to grace the astroturf, along with hand sheath fetishist Hawkins, making his record-breaking 35th appearance for the Super A’s.

Following a brief team talk on the virtues of heterosexuality by referee John Candy, Sporting kicked off the match, onion compass calibrated, the scent filling each and every one of their dozen nostrils.

“Show them no mercy!” the crowd screamed, in defiance of the Super A’s defensive generosity that would make the corpse of Mother Theresa blush like an atomic Belisha beacon.

Sporting Apostrophes stroked the ball across the astroturf with much beauty and tippy-tappy goodness, despite the absence of midfield maestros Turner and Wessely. Against the run of play, and the will of God, One Flew Into The Keepers Net poked the sphere past Hawkins, drawing first blood, but the Apostrophes replied with a prime fillet from “terrorist” Farnsworth. Like Krankies possessed, the Jocks responded swiftly to restore their lead, but Kimberley levelled the scores with a poacher’s goal, his third of the season.

“There’s only one Kim-ber-leeee…. four-tune-at-lee,” sang the crowd, hoping for an unexpected victory against the table-toppers.

Fans hopes were dashed by a tidy brace from the Scots, before the referee blew long, lovingly and hard on his cherished whistle to bring down the curtain on the first act.

Part II delivered just as much drama and passion as its well received predecessor. Muscular defending by Hinceman and Stickland, combined with some spectacular feats of walking and shouting by “static” McInerney, promised to reap rewards for the world’s favourite football team. A Farnsworth cannon brought hope of an improbable comeback, but the Jocks, on gas mark five, punished the Super A’s with the intoxicating fumes of the previous night’s indulgence.

“Peeeeeeeeep!” went the referee’s whistle, leaving the Apostrophes to reflect upon chances missed and The Curse Of The Blue Shirts in the luxurious surroundings of their unique Male Grooming and Fitness Complex.

With the end of the season fast approaching, Sporting Apostrophes are yet again languishing in seventh place, a mere point above old rivals Team Wang. A terrible injustice!

Score: 3-8
Squad: Farnsworth, Hawkins, Hinceman, Kimberley, McInerney, Stickland.
Goals: Farnsworth (2), Kimberley (1).

Yes, It’s another double-header Super Sunday!

1pm and 2.20pm kick-off, Sunday 5th April 2009 at Powerleague London City.

Please leave a comment indicating your availability for this unmissable Super A’s fixture.

“McInerney sports a black armband in remembrance of Jade Goody, whose incredible life was worth more than Jesus, Mother Theresa, Christopher Reeve and Jan Molby combined.”

The bittersweet smell of sautéed onions was carried far, far away by the wind following Sporting Apostrophes’ sixth loss of the season at the hands of Dynamo Kebab. Like a photocopier bereft of toner, the Super A’s paper tray was yet again a barren, lonely place, the subject of much ridicule and shame.

“We played some good football, but, light on players yet again, we struggled to deploy our lethal inverse diamond W-M-M-W 2-1-1 wing-back, man-in-the-hole formation” complained chairman Ernest Borgnine, his patience, like the seat of his trousers, wearing very, very thin. “Some blame the blue shirt, but it goes deeper than that. As the old saying goes, ‘He who tires of onion, tires of life’.”

With McInerney stuck in traffic, Sporting Apostrophes kicked off the first half with an abbreviated line-up, a slender, Karen Carpenter formation consisting of Bonell, Farnsworth, Hawkins and Turner. Dynamo Kebab made the most of their numerical advantage, violating the Super A’s onion bag like a Rotherhithe cab driver. Bonell responded almost immediately, before McInerney took to the field with the scores level.

“Punish them!” screamed the fans, traumatised by the Apostrophes disappointing league position.

With the fans encouragement ringing in their ears, Sporting Apostrophes took their opponents on the footballing equivalent of a rendition flight, using every method of punishment available in their considerable arsenal. Unfortunately, this wasn’t enough, leaving the teams to end the first half with Dynamo having a lead no larger than Ronnie Corbett’s smaller brother.

Referee John Candy commenced the second half with the Super A’s in determined mood, resulting in an immediate violation and the succulent aroma of onion, addictive like heroin, moreish as a rich tea biscuit. The capacity crowd expected, nay, demanded the victory which seemed inevitable, but their screams were silenced by a savage foul on Turner.

“Poobiscuits and venom!” sighed the crowd, knowing full well that the substitutes bench was as lonely as Wordsworth’s cloud.

Down to four men for the umpteenth time, Sporting Apostrophes fought bravely, but it wasn’t enough, as Dynamo Kebab ran out 6-4 winners, their first victory against the world’s favourite team following three previous defeats.

A mere point from the bottom of the table and suffering a threadbare squad, Sporting Apostrophes prospects for the second half of season IV remain bleak. A terrible injustice!

Score: 4-6
Squad: Bonell, Farnsworth, Hawkins, McInerney, Turner.
Goals: Bonell (2), Farnsworth (1), Turner (1).

3.40pm kick-off, Sunday 29th March 2009 at Powerleague London City.

Please leave a comment indicating your availability for this unmissable Super A’s fixture.

“Referee John Candy appears nonplussed by Cameo’s erection during last Sunday’s 18-2 multi-manrape”

One Flew Into The Keepers Net are under investigation by Powerleague administrators following Cameo’s cameo for the Super A’s last Sunday.

“It’s no different to the Tevez saga. If One Flew Into The Keeper’s Net get promoted we deserve compensation,” complained chairman Ernest Borgnine, applying confused logic to the situation. “Right, so he isn’t actually our player, and we pretty much begged him to play, but still, there’s something fishy about this, and it’s not the smell of Irn Bru.”

Referee John Candy’s match notes, handwritten in chicken fat, make no mention of Cameo’s moonlighting, sparking rumours of favouritism.

1.40pm kick-off, Sunday 22nd March 2009 at Powerleague London City.

Please leave a comment indicating your availability for this unmissable Super A’s fixture.

A depleted Super A’s line-up suffered a heavy defeat at the hands of promotion candidates El Paso in Sunday’s division II encounter.

“Credit to the boys for trying, but with the numerical disadvantage it was always going to be brutal,” commented chairman Ernest Borgnine at the post-match radio interview. “One can’t help but wonder whether this new kit is cursed – we’ve yet to win since its debut four matches ago.”

Sporting Apostrophes’ two goals came courtesy of Cameo, on loan from table-toppers One Flew Into The Keepers Net.

After two dreadful results, where now for the world famous Super A’s?. The team’s goal difference has plummeted from zero to minus twenty eight in just two matches. A terrible injustice!

Score: 2-18
Squad: Bonell, Cameo, Lissimore, Stickland, Turner.
Goals: Cameo (2).

“Borgnine, Bono and Bonell sip onion juice and talk about very important things”

Sporting Apostrophes’ “Player Aid” was officially launched today amid a blaze of publicity. With just four confirmed players for next Sunday’s clash with El Paso, this high-profile campaign aims to ensure the world’s favourite team fields a minimum of five players.

“I’m tired of the Africans moaning, and I’m up to my Phil Collins in so-called ‘green issues’ and this carbon nonsense that’s poisoning the orphans,” raved Bono, a life-long Super A’s fan. “Marvin Gaye was right: this world truly is a Great Big Onion, and the only thing that can keep it in orbit is some sweet, tippy-tappy goodness from the Apostrophes.”

Lend your support to this worthy campaign by nominating yourself for greatness next Sunday!

“Turner’s limbs are even darker than the team’s prospects this season”

A hailstorm of low denomination coins and discarded season tickets rained down upon the Apostrophes legends following Sunday’s debacle against U.B.O.C.

“Oh, good God, can we get any worse?” wondered chairman Ernest Borgnine. “It was a comedy of errors. We’re the laughing stock of this division, but I have to be positive. Onwards and upwards, like a penis-pink toboggan travelling in reverse, that’s what I say.”

The driving rain was enough to darken the mood of the hardiest of homosapiens, but the Super A’s, being the creamiest, most handsome examples of their species, were unfazed by Mother Nature’s incontinence.

Hawkins, carrying a dangerous “lesbian shoulder” injury, took to the field, with the diminutive Kimberley on his shoulders. Next came Hinceman, a newly shorn McInerney just visible in his giant hands.

“What is this madness?” wondered the fans.

“I get it, I get it!” cried one particularly astute fan, who proceeded to explain his theory to his peers. “They’re taking to the field in order of appearances, but as some players are tied in this respect, they’re morally obliged to grace the astroturf simultaneously!”

The quartet were immediately followed by Turner, his 22 appearances just shy of Hinceman and McInerney’s tally of 23. Next came Wessely, just one match behind, with Lissimore having amassed a very respectable 17 since his debut last July.

From start to finish, the match was a sphincter-wrenching carousel of chopped onion, to the dismay of the capacity crowd. Sporting Apostrophes appeared listless; confused; like a man without the tear-jerking power of onion in his soul. U.B.O.C. took full advantage, as they raped and pillaged, feasting on the vulnerability of the Apostrophes.

Referee John Candy ended the onslaught with his gristle whistle, leaving the Apostrophes to return to their luxurious changing facilities, dejected and beaten, dazed and confused.

“15 goals!” sighed one tearful fan upon leaving the stadium. “That’s even more vicious than the recipe dealt to us by the chocolate tsunami off Oceans 11, and I’ll be buggered if U.B.O.C. are anywhere near that level.”

Sporting Apostrophes reach the halfway point of season IV with little to celebrate: a poor points haul, negative goal difference and a sponsor in liquidation. A terrible injustice!

Score: 3-15
Squad: Hawkins, Hinceman, Kimberley, Lissimore, McInerney, Turner, Wessely.
Goals: Hawkins (1), McInerney (1) plus one own goal by U.B.O.C.

2.20pm kick-off, Sunday 15th March 2009 at Powerleague London City.

Please leave a comment indicating your availability for this unmissable Super A’s fixture.

3pm kick-off, Sunday 8th March 2009 at Powerleague London City.

Please leave a comment indicating your availability for this unmissable Super A’s fixture.