3.40pm kick-off, Sunday 30th August 2009 at Powerleague London City.
Please leave a comment indicating your availability for this unmissable Super A’s fixture.
Once availability is confirmed a squad of 7 will be selected. Should there be 8 or more players available, “management” reserve the right to rotate squad members.
“awaiting picture – coming soon”
It was three onions apiece in Sporting Apostrophes’ ill-tempered encounter with league newcomers Flat Back Four last Sunday.
“They’re filthy, rotten cheats!” chairman Ernest Borgnine protested. “They tried every trick in the book to get Pacheco sin-binned, and, to my dismay, they eventually succeeded. I’m sure their kit must break league regulations too: it’s black and pink vertical penises! How on earth can that be allowed!”
Match highlights include: a jumbo serving of onion bag violations for Pacheco, his first hat-trick for the Super A’s; a man-of-the-match performance from Kimberley, his first of the season; top-drawer handsheathing from multi-use Stickland; a welcome return for “the beast”; another remarkable injury-free performance from the aging Turner; “juryman” Bell delivering justice down the flanks.
As the end of the season nears, Sporting Apostrophes remain rooted in sixth place, the smell of promotion as distant and unrecognisable as a the ghost of Princess Diana. A terrible injustice!
Score: 3-3
Squad: Bell, Hinceman, Kimberley, Pacheco, Stickland, Turner.
Goals: Pacheco (3).
1.40pm kick-off, Sunday 23rd August 2009 at Powerleague London City.
Please leave a comment indicating your availability for this unmissable Super A’s fixture.
Once availability is confirmed a squad of 7 will be selected. Should there be 8 or more players available, “management” reserve the right to rotate squad members.
“The world’s greatest athletes limber up prior to Sunday’s fixture. From left to right: Kimberley, Pacheco, Turner, Bell, Hinceman, Stickland”
The “beast from Baltimore” returns to the line-up for his first appearance since June. “juryman” Bell joins him, before what could prove to be a lengthy absence in the high court.
Stickland will resume sheath duty, with Kimberley all set to make his tenth appearance of the season.
With Correa absent, Pacheco will be looking to deliver onion as the race for top-scorer intensifies. Aging midfielder Turner will complete the “seis lendas”.
Line-up for Sunday’s clash with Flat Back Four:
Bell
Hinceman
Kimberley
Pacheco
Stickland
Turner
INCLUDES BONUS-BUFFET (MAY CONTAIN ONION) AND NO MATCH FEES! GENUINE GRATISBALL!
4pm kick-off, SATURDAY 22nd August 2009 at Powerleague London City.
Please leave a comment indicating your availability for this unmissable Super A’s fixture.
Once availability is confirmed a squad of 7 will be selected. Should there be 8 or more players available, “management” reserve the right to rest squad members.
“Pacheco runs onion rings around every man on the pitch, Bell included, to score his second half wonder-goal”
Sunday’s “onionball classico” against Minety ended in a disappointing 7-2 reverse for the Apostrophes.
“I was really hoping we’d do a number on this shower after the ill-tempered meeting we had with them earlier in the season,” remarked chairman Ernest Borgnine at the post-match press orgy. “We were just a goal down at half time, and I genuinely thought we’d get the 3 points, but the well-oiled Apostrophes machine blew a gasket yet again. It angers me when the boys serve up a delicious entrée, then proceed to ruin everyone’s appetite with an abysmal dessert.”
Fans showed their appreciation for the Apostrophes legends as they took to the astroturf in approximate order of skin complexion. 14-goal top scorer Correa was first, followed closely by Pacheco, making his tenth appearance for the super yellows. The comparatively dusky pair were soon joined by Turner, with a swarthy Kimberley just inches behind. Average Bell and golden Wessely made it six, with a pasty Hawkins trailing far behind to complete the magnificent seven.
The first half was a war of attrition, with each side over-populating the midfield area in an effort to dominate.
“We’ll never win this game with a 0-4-0 formation!” the fans shouted, but their tactical nous fell on deaf ears.
Turner and Wessely chalked up the miles, but with limited space on the pitch, opportunities were limited to a handful of long-range efforts and a half-chance for Bell.
A goal down thanks to a fortunate poke past Hawkins, Sporting Apostrophes fans were hoping for more potency during part deux. A solid strike into the bottom-left corner of Minety’s net was just reward for Correa’s endeavours. Pacheco made it Twix with an astonishing solo effort, a definite candidate for the prestigious Onion Bag Violation Of The Season award.
With the JumboTron reading 3-2 to the infidels, fans prayed for a generous serving of onion, but a spectacular collapse from the Super A’s soon dashed their somewhat unrealistic hopes.
“This is poo! No, really, it is! Like a jar of Nutella, where the Nutella has been scooped out, and some wag has put poo in! And then you’ve only gone and eaten it! Then served it at a childrens’ party! Then, to add further insult, stuffed Ferrero Rocher with it and served it to diplomats!” raged one particularly irate fan.
Referee Chris Griffin brought proceedings to their inevitable conclusion with a firm toot on his whistle, leaving the Apostrophes to rue opportunities missed and onion served stone-cold.
Sporting Apostrophes remain sixth in the table: an inhospitable no man’s land, where promotion is a distant dream, relegation an unloved biscuit bereft of chocolate coating. A terrible injustice!
Score: 2-7
Squad: Bell, Correa, Hawkins, Kimberley, Pacheco, Turner, Wessely.
Goals: Correa (1), Pacheco (1).
“Hot of the presses, the incredible Sporting Apostrophes stickers”
Sporting Apostrophes’ state-of-the-art sweatshop facility, based in a secret third-world location, is busy ramping up production of the club’s exciting range of official merchandise.
“Surveys have proven beyond reasonable doubt that Sporting Apostrophes are the world’s greatest, most supported club, with over 3 billion fans worldwide,” enthused chairman Ernest Borgnine at the official sticker launch party. “The desire to create a titillating selection of collectables is as natural as beastiality.”
To receive a FREE sticker, email a photo of yourself and/or your colleagues* beside your monitor with the Sporting Apostrophes website visible to sponsor@sportingapostrophes.com, including your name and address, and you too can feel the unique Sporting Apostrophes adhesive press against your naked flesh.
* Silly photos, particularly if they’re in a corporate environment, may be rewarded with multiple stickers!
3.40pm kick-off, Sunday 16th August 2009 at Powerleague London City.
Please leave a comment indicating your availability for this unmissable Super A’s fixture.
Once availability is confirmed a squad of 7 will be selected. Should there be 8 or more players available, “management” reserve the right to rest squad members.
“Turner ruled the The Beverly Hills Polo Club with an iron biltong”
Fans’ forums were ablaze following news of a vote-rigging scandal which has influenced the results of the Super A’s coveted Man-of-the-Match gong. Investigators have discovered a number of votes for Pacheco originating from Australia, identified by their IP address. Pacheco himself has been exonerated following interrogation, leaving the crooked finger of blame pointing at Turner, whose aboriginal roots are as sinister as they are proven.
“We’ll keep a close eye on the votes from now on,” chairman Ernest Borgnine informed the assembled media outside the crowd. “This prestigious award cannot and will not be abused.”
Turner has been dogged by controversy in recent months: allegations of player-poaching; leading the The Beverly Hills Polo Club into administration; reaching his 30s; onion sickness. The aging midfielder has much to prove in Sunday’s fixture against Minety.
“No shermanizing from Stickland, just quality deputising”
Sporting Apostrophes chalked up another three points on Sunday in what proved to be a chaotic match for the world’s favourite football team.
“We had very few players fit and available this week,” chairman Ernest Borgnine conceded. “With transport problems and last-minute alcohol injuries thrown into the mix, it’s remarkable that we managed to get anything from this game, but I’m proud of the boys nonetheless.”
With so few players available for selection, Cameo made his second appearance of the season, and, remarkably, his son pulled on the famous yellow jersey for the first time, such was the Apostrophes’ need.
Match highlights include: an incredible 5-goal haul for Hannigan-Daley, capping a virtuoso performance; Stickland’s clean silk sheets in the second half; Correa’s trademark, bullish play, buoyed by stereo onion; Pacheco’s refusal to take the field until all three points were in the bag; Cameo and his son helping the Super A’s cause.
The Super’s A’s lie sixth in the table, their hopes of promotion less likely than a Bobby Robson omelette. A terrible injustice!
Score: 8-4
Squad: Cameo, Cameo Jnr, Correa, Hannigan-Daley, Pacheco, Stickland.
Goals: Hannigan-Daley (5), Correa (2), Cameo (1).
1.40pm kick-off, Sunday 9th August 2009 at Powerleague London City.
Please leave a comment indicating your availability for this unmissable Super A’s fixture.
Once availability is confirmed a squad of 7 will be selected. Should there be 8 or more players available, management reserve the right to rest squad members.