Sporting Apostrophes

“Gillespie sin-bins Pacheco without even looking at him, demonstrating his superior refereeing powers”

Sporting Apostrophes winning start to season VI continued with a hard-earned victory against old rivals Team Wang.

“It could have gone either way, but the yellows dug deep to claim the three points,” remarked chairman Ernest Borgnine, perspiration rolling down his forehead, such was the excitement and drama of the spectacle. “That’s now three wins on the bounce – a new club record that we’re justifiably proud of.”

The drama unfolded before the game had even begun, as the Super A’s started the match with just four players. “terrorist” Farnsworth, Hawkins, Kimberley and Pacheco played a low-tempo cautionball, as they waited anxiously for reinforcements. Despite their numerical disadvantage, Kimberley poked home a sweet drive, the culmination of a lengthy period of possession for the Apostrophes.

A shadow fell upon the stadium and the temperature plummeted, as the sun disappeared, blocked out by the sudden presence of Hinceman.

“He’s such a tardy Yank!” cried the fans, as the “beast from Baltimore” waited patiently for a break in play so as to join the melee.

The American made his presence felt immediately, helping the Apostrophes to a 2-0 lead, courtesy of some delicious sexball from Pacheco. Fans expected and hoped for a torrent of goals, but Team Wang fought back, the equaliser coming by way of a nutmeg flavoured Hawkins doughnut. Sporting Apostrophes fell behind, before Hinceman levelled the scores on the stroke of half time.

The Super A’s kicked off the second half, tired, but determined to take the spoils of onion war. Farnsworth’s appetite was demonstrated by his eagerness to take free kicks, regardless of which team they were awarded to. “Johnny come lately” Hinceman endeared himself to the fans with two sweetly taken touchdowns, completing his first hat-trick for the Apostrophes, as the game started to turn ugly with the score at 5-apiece.

“You are rubbish – I am brilliant!” said Pacheco, chastising his opposite number and receiving much the same in return. Handbags flailed, words were exchanged, and Pacheco was given his marching orders by referee Dizzy Gillespie.

“It must be the right decision, he’s the best ref in the league, probably the world,” agreed the fans. “He so good, he can officiate whilst talking to people on the sidelines and not even looking. Incredible!”

A man down and with full-time looming, Sporting Apostrophes fans feared the worst, until Farnsworth knocked in the winner, elevating the crowd into a state of uncontrollable, Ghost of Princess Diana ecstasy.

“Toot!” went Gillespie’s whistle, leaving the jubilant yellows to celebrate a narrow victory in front of die-hard fans in the Grammar End.

Season VI continues to excite fans and pundits alike, as the Super A’s battle for promotion gains momentum, though the privilege of leading the table is given to Green Park on goal difference. A terrible injustice!

Score: 6-5
Squad: Farnsworth, Hawkins, Hinceman, Kimberley, Pacheco.
Goals: Hinceman (3), Farnsworth (1), Kimberley (1), Pacheco (1).

“A bagged up 15 shirt – a replica Stickland, one of tens of thousands ready for shipping”

The brand new Sporting Apostrophes kit is finally ready for shipping, after months of hard work in the club’s forced labour facility.

“The kids in the sweatshop are the best that money can buy,” chairman Ernest Borgnine told the gathered throng. “Bless, it’s so sweet to see the tears in their eyes as they sew stitch after stitch on their 60-hour shifts. Tears of enthusiasm, as they love this club so much.”

The Super A’s will be officially launching their new strip next Sunday prior to the match against Green Park. To celebrate the occasion, the following entertainment will be provided by Powerleague:

• Meat and onion buffet*
• Clowns fighting each other, to the death*
• Pin the tail on the referee*
• Live music from Aswad*
• Autograph signing session with Sporting Apostrophes players.

N.B. Asterisk denotes fictional entertainment.

3pm kick-off, Sunday 20th September 2009 at Powerleague London City.

Please leave a comment indicating your availability for this unmissable Super A’s fixture.

Once availability is confirmed a squad of 7 will be selected. Should there be 8 or more players available, “management” reserve the right to rotate squad members.

“Farnsworth opens his season VI account with an impressive strike”

The Apostrophes kicked off their historic sixth season in great style, overcoming opponents VJJ in a thrilling 6-4 victory.

“That’s the way to do it!” exclaimed chairman Ernest Borgnine, aping Mr. Punch. “Our rigorous preseason, conducted in just seven days, has transformed the team beyond recognition. It’s astonishing: reminiscent of Bill Bixby’s transformation into Lou Ferrigno’s Hulk. Their hard work has reaped dividends, but it’s the intensive diet programme that’s paramount: quiche for the defenders, onions for the boys up top, with the lads in the middle on the black pudding.”

Match highlights include: Hannigan-Daley’s third consecutive 5-goal haul, making 20 goals in just 5 appearances; “guarantee” Farnsworth’s inevitable strike; meat-based hula hoop from the midfield trio of Correa, Turner, Wessely; the return of matador Pacheco; Stickland’s handsheath left and rightery.

Sporting Apostrophes open season VI with an impressive victory, but are denied the privilege of leading the table due to Green Park’s superior number of onions peeled. A terrible injustice!

Score: 6-4
Squad: Correa, Farnsworth, Hannigan-Daley, Pacheco, Stickland, Turner, Wessely.
Goals: Hannigan-Daley (5), Farnsworth (1).

“Pacheco, the Apostrophes’ most valuable player of season V, uses his finger as a flagpole, an ancient Portuguese tradition to commemorate the country’s best ever Eurovision finish, 6th place in 1996”

Overview

Sporting Apostrophes’ fifth season is worthy of much celebration, perhaps even a token congratulatory masturbation. The team’s record-breaking 6th place finish, with a goal difference of just minus 2, is an incredible achievement given the previous season’s heartbreak. New signings Correa, Hannigan-Daley and Pacheco added much-needed goals to the Apostrophes omelette, after too many matches where “terrorist” Farnsworth was the only realistic harvester of onion.

Stickland can boast the best season of his career, despite his 26-match goal famine. His granite, do-or-die defending has been blessed by the two-touch fairy, adding a much-needed sex touch to his onionball.

Hawkins’ handsheath wizardry contributed to the yellows conceding just 5.18 goals per game, a new record for the Apostrophes. Hawkins’ feat is made more remarkable by Hinceman’s absenteeism: the “beast from Baltimore” has suffered a sequence of vacation injuries which have blighted his season, leaving the team to rue the absence of his stoic defensive displays.

Kimberley made a valuable contribution in the middle of the park. “juryman” Bell tolled too, albeit exclusively on the wings.

Midfield maestros Turner and Wessely experienced fair-to-middling seasons. Their tireless running added relish to the Super A’s kebab, but they both suffered from ill-calibrated onion compasses, returning just 3 goals between them.

Lissimore’s season was cut short by injury, a broken toe suffered against VJJ back in May.

In stark contrast to last season, Super A’s fans have much to look forward to as season VI begins. With a fantastic new kit just days away and the best fans in the league, only a fool would bet against the Apostrophes conquering all comers.

Best Performance

Sporting Apostrophes’ final game of season V, the 12-10 victory against division II champions 5IVE, was arguably the match of the season, a veritable onion jamboree of Technicolor sexball.

Worst Performance

The 1-9 reverse anal demolition at the hands of old rivals Green Park was a low point that the team will be keen to forget.

Goal scorers

Correa’s haul of 18 goals in 13 matches made him the season’s top scorer, with a very respectable goals-per-game average of 1.38.

Canadian Hannigan-Daley chalked up an outrageous 15 goals in just 4 appearances, a total of 3.75 goals per game. Apostrophes fans, whilst delighted with his abundance of violations, remain infuriated with his unnecessarily long name, which has doubled the cost of a replica shirt featuring his moniker.

Farnsworth and Pacheco each delivered 13 goals; a disappointing haul for the former, as the Apostrophes’ all-time top scorer on 69 goals. Farnsworth‘s tally was hindered by his mortal fear of the penalty spot.

McInerney failed to hit the target in his solitary appearance for the yellows: a disappointing end to his glittering (some might say steaming) career.

“never score” Lissimore and Stickland both achieved a combined total of none, nothing, zero, increasing their odds of scoring at the bookies to 250-1.

Man-of-the-Match awards

New signing Pacheco won the coveted man-of-the-match gong on 6 occasions, equalling Hinceman’s Sporting Apostrophes record in the process. Incredibly, Pacheco was the standout player in every one of his first 5 matches. However, with just 1 award in his last 6 appearances in a yellow shirt, fans wonder whether the Portuguese wonder is rationing his sexball.

Correa, Hawkins and Stickland each achieved greatness 3 times, followed closely by Bell and Hannigan-Daley on 2 apiece, the latter in just 4 appearances.

Despite scoring 13 goals, “guarantee” Farnsworth was deemed unworthy of the accolade in any of his 8 appearances.

Disciplinary record

Wessely chalked up his first yellow card since season II. Portuguese gentleman Pacheco was unlucky to receive an unjust warning thanks to some unsporting behaviour (some might say downright cheating) by Flat Back Four.

Appearances

Congratulations to Correa and Stickland who set a new Sporting Apostrophes record with 13 appearances apiece.

Hawkins donned sheathes 12 times, equalling his personal best, the previous Apostrophes record.

Kimberley and Pacheco both wore the famous yellow jersey on 11 occasions: a personal best for the former, an impressive debut season for the latter.

Sporting Apostrophes welcomed 3 new signings in season V: Correa, Hannigan-Daley and Pacheco.

Super A’s legend McInerney was released from his multi-million contract, having reached the grand old age of 35. The goal-a-game striker remains a free agent, leaving fans hoping he might deliver his unique brand of “stationary pain” once again.

Success ratio

(wins+draws) ÷ appearances = Success Ratio

Hannigan-Daley and Lissimore are both able to boast a maximum success ration of 1.0, with neither player being on the losing side in season V. The remainder of the squad all achieve respectable figures in the region of 0.54 (Stickland) to 0.33 (Turner), leaving Wessely (0.29), Farnsworth (0.25) and finally McInerney (0.0) at the foot of the table.

Value per victory

(value/appearances) * wins = Value Per Victory

Most fans agree that the V.P.V. (value per victory) figure is the “real deal” – the key identifier of a player’s contribution, the likelihood he has of supping from the victory flask at the final whistle.

€29.53m – Hannigan-Daley
€25.48m – Pacheco
€20.69m – Stickland
€19.75m – Correa

Hannigan-Daley’s irrepressible, single-minded love for onion has resulted in him being on the winning side in each of his 4 appearances, clearly demonstrating how much tastier the recipe can be with a dollop of maple syrup. Pacheco’s sexball, combined with Correa’s driving, amphetamine performances have shown that they too can make the difference. Defying age and mother nature, Stickland‘s career-defining season has been a genuine delight, following a number of indifferent campaigns.

Legitimate, real-world transfer values

Sporting Apostrophes’ most valuable players during season V:

€56.06m – Pacheco
€51.34m – Correa
€38.34m – Stickland
€36.40m – Hawkins
€29.53m – Hannigan-Daley

Pacheco breaks the €50m bracket, setting a new Sporting Apostrophes record in the process, beating Wessely’s season III best of €52m. New signings Correa and Hannigan-Daley enter the top 5: an impressive first-season achievement. Handsheath exponent Hawkins proves the theory that goalkeepers depreciate slowly, like a pungent cheese, or perhaps a helicopter.

Stickland’s sensational season is capped with an incredible €38m value; a sizable increase on his previous suggested retail price of just €14m.

Farnsworth’s value has halved as the goals have dried up; Hinceman has also seen a dramatic reduction in his value.

McInerney‘s €4m valuation is just 10% of his season II value, clearly demonstrating the speed at which athletes deteriorate.

Season VI objectives

Sporting Apostrophes’ 6th place finish is a new record:

• Season I – 8th from 8
• Season II – 8th from 8
• Season III – 7th from 8
• Season IV – 8th from 8
• Season V – 6th from 10

Last season’s prediction of a top 5 finish proved to be not far off the mark. Progress demands that the famous yellows must look towards the promised land of a promotion finish.

1.40pm kick-off, Sunday 13th September 2009 at Powerleague London City.

Please leave a comment indicating your availability for this unmissable Super A’s fixture.

Once availability is confirmed a squad of 7 will be selected. Should there be 8 or more players available, “management” reserve the right to rotate squad members.

Borgnine hands McInerney the coveted Minimal Contribution trophy, awarded to the season’s least valuable player

Powerleague London City have confirmed that the following 8 teams will be lining up for the new season starting next Sunday:

El Paso
Flat Back Four
Green Park
Minety
Sporting Apostrophes
Team Wang
U.B.O.C.
VJJ

Relegated El Paso must be considered early favourites for the division II title, followed closely by Flat Back Four, who narrowly missed out on promotion last season. VJJ are something of an unknown quantity: their recent results suggest they could well be the dark horse of the division. Old rivals Green Park and Minety seem destined for a mid-table dogfight, with perennial strugglers U.B.O.C. and Team Wang propping up the table. If there is any justice in this world, Sporting Apostrophes, as the world’s greatest football team, will hold aloft the championship trophy at the end of the season.

Please leave a comment, outlining your prediction for this season. Predictions from non-Sporting Apostrophes players are especially welcome!

Hannigan-Daley celebrates his fifth goal with a traditional Canadian man-flip

An onion hailstorm of Biblical proportions swept Powerleague London City, as Sporting Apostrophes defeated division II champions 5IVE in an astonishing 22-goal thriller.

“That’s the most we’ve ever scored – what a fantastic way to end the season!” exclaimed a delighted Ernest Borgnine at the post match press conference. “Let this be a warning to our division II rivals: Sporting Apostrophes’ assault on the division II crown will begin in earnest next week.”

Sporting Apostrophes boasted a compact, attack-minded line-up for their final match of season V. With the exception of handsheath exponent Hawkins, tending goal, and Stickland, on a tortuous, 25-match onion famine, the Super A’s team sheet promised violations in abundance, headed by the fearsome, onion-hunting trident of Correa, Farnsworth and Hannigan-Daley.

Fans were aghast to see Apostrophes legend Kimberley lining up for opponents 5IVE. With transfer deadline day fast approaching, rumours of an extended loan deal for the team’s “albino Essien” swept the stadium.

“You meaty rotter! You beef traitor!” they cried, with some justification.

The first slice was served piping hot, as Hannigan-Daley drew first blood. Another violation soon followed, as the Apostrophes, rooted in sixth position regardless of the day’s result, played without inhibition, delivering a new and exciting sexball unknown to mere mortals.

“We’ll hammer them! Easy! Easy!” the hopelessly optimistic fans roared.

As inevitable as death and taxes, the Apostrophes collapse was as spectacular as it was demoralising. A wretched, half-baked performance by Hawkins, combined with some unorthodox defending by his brothers in arms, led to a flurry of goals for the enemy. The stadium JumboTron read 3-8 when referee Chris Griffin, pitying the world’s favourite team, blew his whistle of mercy to signify the end of the first born doughnut.

When the chips are down and the syndrome is rife, Sporting Apostrophes’ steely determination is usually found wanting, but the players refused to lie face down sans trousers. A flurry of violations from the team’s irrepressible forward line brought fear to the champions, as the ghost of Princess Diana might scare a vulnerable orphan. Fans whooped like a spastic Tarzan as the Apostrophes’ endeavours levelled the scores at 10-apiece, when suddenly, with the final seconds of the game remaining, two beautiful, blessed, new born onions were delivered by the sweetest of vegetable C-sections, making the the final score 12-10.

The final whistle brought an end to the Apostrophes’ record-breaking match, a fitting end to their historic fifth season. As season VI looms on the horizon, the stench of onwards and upwardness permeates every synthetic fibre like a potent, flammable, terrorist fart. A terrible injustice!

Score: 12-10
Squad: Correa, Farnsworth, Hannigan-Daley, Hawkins, Stickland.
Goals: Hannigan-Daley (5), Farnsworth (4), Correa (3).

IT’S THE THE FIRST MATCH OF SEASON VI! A NEW ERA BEGINS! CAN YOU SMELL THE OPTIMISM?

3pm kick-off, Sunday 6th September 2009 at Powerleague London City.

Please leave a comment indicating your availability for this unmissable Super A’s fixture.

Once availability is confirmed a squad of 7 will be selected. Should there be 8 or more players available, “management” reserve the right to rotate squad members.

“Excitement grips the entire planet as the new Sporting Apostrophes kit is announced”

Sporting Apostrophes have confirmed the launch of their new official team strip in September, marking a new era of professionalism for the world famous club.

“Shaw Tyre & Exhaust Co. abandoned us in our hour of need, and the subsequent kit we trialled was an unmitigated disaster,” said chairman Ernest Borgnine, addressing the myriad journalists gathered at the Apostrophes Media Centre. “In stark contrast to its predecessor, the new jersey will be breathable and short-sleeved, which is sure to maximise the aerodynamic coefficient ratio factor science by a significant spacemargin. The big, embroidered, infinitely kissable Sporting Apostrophes badge is to die for. Oh, and the matching numbered shorts are a nice touch.”

Players’ agents have expressed concern that each squad member will only be issued with the new apparel upon receipt of a £20 fee, but Borgnine dismissed the claims out of hand, citing the need to reinvest in the team’s forced labour facility in the third world.

“Left to right: Hannigan-Daley, Hawkins, Stickland, Hinceman, Kimberley, Correa, referee Candy, Turner.”

Sporting Apostrophes were eliminated on goal difference in last Saturday’s thrill-a-minute Twilight Football Tournament.

“3 wins, a draw and a loss: 10 points from a possible 15. Everything was looking rosy,” explained Ernest Borgnine, unpacking his suitcase, his dreams of a trip to Australia in tatters. “Despite not winning, or even making the knockout stages, only a fool would dispute the fact that we were easily the team of the tournament.”

The Super A’s team sheet boasted an incredible, eye-watering quantity of raw talent, each man blessed with the speed of Usain Bolt, the strength of Geoff Capes, the footballing talent of Pele and the comic timing of Paul Hogan. Athletes of this calibre a born not made. Cheers erupted from every corner of the stadium, as the seven heroes galloped forth from the players’ tunnel in alphabetical order: Correa, Hannigan-Daley, Hawkins, Hinceman, Kimberley, Stickland and Turner.

Fans’ favourite John Candy made a welcome return to Powerleague London City to referee the world famous Apostrophes.

“It’s a privilege to officiate this team, they’re brilliant. Brilliant on a stick. Brilliant, on a stick, covered in toffee, then sprinkled with hundreds and thousands. Honestly, can you imagine anything more brilliant than that? No, I thought not,” said Candy, as the Super A’s kicked off the opening match.

Sporting Apostrophes, kings of the astroturf, dominated each and every one of their 9-minute fixtures on the luxurious 7-a-side pitch, reserved specially for their premium onionball. Hannigan-Daley chalked up an astonishing five onion bag violations, as Correa and Hinceman each feasted on stereo onion sandwiches. Man-defending by Kimberley and Stickland helped Hawkins to maintain three clean satin sheets, whilst Turner covered every inch of the artificial grass.

With their team sitting proudly at the top of the group, Apostrophes fans were already looking ahead to the quarter finals. Tragically, their hopes were soon dashed, following a series of matches where the onion harvest was plentiful, but left the bitter taste of deceit in one’s trousers.

“It’s a fix! A fix!” fans cried, convinced the sub-standard teams at the foot of the table has been nobbled like a broken biscuit, but their protests fell on deaf ears.

Sporting Apostrophes bowed gracefully to the capacity crowd, then retired to the buffet in order of appetite: Kimberley, Stickland, Hinceman, Kimberley again, Hawkins, Correa, Kimberley again, Turner, Hannigan-Daley, and finally, Kimberley.

Match 1: Sporting Apostrophes 2-0 Roy Castle Rovers
Goals: Hannigan-Daley (2).

Match 2: F&C 0-1 Sporting Apostrophes
Goals: Hannigan-Daley (1).

Match 3: RPFC 4-0 Sporting Apostrophes

Match 4: Sporting Apostrophes 4-0 DBS FC
Goals: Hannigan-Daley (2), Correa (1), Hinceman (1).

Match 5: Sporting Apostrophes 2-2 Upminster Park
Goals: Correa (1), Hinceman (1).

Squad: Correa, Hannigan-Daley, Hawkins, Hinceman, Kimberley, Stickland, Turner.
Total goals: Hannigan-Daley (5), Correa (2), Hinceman (2).

“Stickland, Kimberley, Farnsworth and Correa combine to form a wall of pure, unadulterated talent”

Sporting Apostrophes fans were treated to a robust display of mid-tempo onionball in Sunday’s encounter with promotion favourites Frutti di Mare.

“It was a solid performance today – one of the best team performances of the season,” enthused chairman Ernest Borgnine. “Our line-up for this fixture was like a breeze block covered in lipstick: it might not be pretty, but Christ, you can’t help but think of penetrating its holes.”

The capacity crowd showed its considerable enthusiasm for the “Fantastic Five” as they sashayed from the players’ tunnel. Hawkins was granted the privilege of appearing first, making his landmark, record-breaking 50th appearance for the world famous club.

“50 matches – it brings tears to my eyes and my penis,” he wept, addressing fans over the stadium PA. “I can still clearly remember the first ever Sporting Apostrophes match back at Old Street as if it were only yesterday.”

Kimberley, a veteran of that historic day, supported the Liberace-style trail on Hawkins ceremonial cape, embroidered with 5 golden stars, one for each onion bag violation. Immediately behind him, Correa, Stickland and Farnsworth formed a human pyramid in a perspex tank containing 467 footballs, one for each goal conceded by the team since the Apostrophes’ birth.

“Hurrah!” cried the fans, with some justification.

The Super A’s kicked off the first half with an air of trepidation, aware that the humidity and lack of substitutes presented a significant obstacle. A sedate, leisurely display of onion-stroking was the soup du jour, the team showing a surprising level of foresight. The Apostrophes’ strategy looked as though it might bear fruit, as the team maintained possession, but Frutti di Mare drew first quiche with a well taken drive. Farnsworth, back in the line-up following his promotional tour in Thailand, levelled the scores with a trademark cannon, before referee Chris Griffin blew the half time whistle.

Sporting Apostrophes, eager to earn a valuable three points that would see them close the gap on Green Park, increased the tempo after the break. This noble but foolhardy tactic proved their undoing, as Frutti di Mare made good use of their numerical advantage.

Goals from Correa and Farnsworth kept up the pressure, until late in the second half, when the referee awarded a penalty with the score at 3-4. Farnsworth confidently placed the ball on the spot and awaited the referee’s whistle. The innumerable fans released a sigh of resignation, knowing Farnsworth’s dismal record with spot kicks, as the ball whistled past the left post.

With energy levels in short supply, Sporting Apostrophes laboured on, as Frutti di Mare sought more goals to cement their impending victory. Kimberley and Stickland helped spare the team’s blushes with some stoic defending, aided by Hawkins’ top-drawer manflinging.

After 40 minutes of hard-fought onionball, the team trudged off the astroturf to commiserate a 5-3 reverse, their dreams of a record-breaking fifth place finish in tatters. A terrible injustice!

Score: 3-5
Squad: Correa, Farnsworth, Hawkins, Kimberley, Stickland.
Goals: Farnsworth (2), Correa (1).