Sporting Apostrophes

“The prophecy is fulfilled as Sporting Apostrophes finally win the division II championship! Left to right: Turner, Hinceman, Hawkins, Bell, Stickland, Farnsworth, Borgnine, Kimberley, Pacheco.”

A new world order was established last Sunday, changing life as we know it on this planet irrevocably. Poverty has been eradicated; climate change, a persistent threat, has been halted in its tracks; civil war, conflict, genocide: words that will be consigned to the history books; albinos and midgets, available on a 2-for-1 deal; organised religions universally abandoned in favour of The One New Church of Sporting Apostrophes, the newly-crowned champions of division II.

“We finally did it!” cried chairman Ernest Borgnine, overwhelmed by emotion following his team’s incredible achievement, its significance greater than the birth of Christ and Christopher Reeve combined. “It’s been a long, hard season, and we’ve sailed close to the wind at times, but we deserve this promotion. It’s taken us seven seasons to taste silverware, and now it’s a reality we’ll be licking its onion glaze until our tongues chafe and burn. Commiserations to Team Wang – they’re a nice bunch of lads, but it looks like their chances of promotion have evaporated. Second place is U.B.O.C.’s to lose.”

Match highlights include: obligatorygoals from the ever-potent Farnsworth; a titanic performance from Maryland cookie Hinceman; rib-cracking, heart-and-soul football from Bell; Stickland, making his fourteenth consecutive appearance, possibly a record?; pass-and-move goodness from Wessely.

After six seasons of pain, injuries, heavy defeats, bad luck and Apostolov, Sporting Apostrophes, the world’s favourite team, have finally achieved greatness. It may have taken 93 matches and 34 players, but the team’s innumerable fans can finally celebrate a championship-winning season. A terrible injustice!

Stats

Score: 4-2
Squad: Bell, Hinceman, Farnsworth, Stickland, Wessely.
Goals: Farnsworth (3), plus an own goal from Team Wang.