Match Report: Sporting Apostrophes vs 5IVE
Hannigan-Daley celebrates his fifth goal with a traditional Canadian man-flip
An onion hailstorm of Biblical proportions swept Powerleague London City, as Sporting Apostrophes defeated division II champions 5IVE in an astonishing 22-goal thriller.
“That’s the most we’ve ever scored – what a fantastic way to end the season!” exclaimed a delighted Ernest Borgnine at the post match press conference. “Let this be a warning to our division II rivals: Sporting Apostrophes’ assault on the division II crown will begin in earnest next week.”
Sporting Apostrophes boasted a compact, attack-minded line-up for their final match of season V. With the exception of handsheath exponent Hawkins, tending goal, and Stickland, on a tortuous, 25-match onion famine, the Super A’s team sheet promised violations in abundance, headed by the fearsome, onion-hunting trident of Correa, Farnsworth and Hannigan-Daley.
Fans were aghast to see Apostrophes legend Kimberley lining up for opponents 5IVE. With transfer deadline day fast approaching, rumours of an extended loan deal for the team’s “albino Essien” swept the stadium.
“You meaty rotter! You beef traitor!” they cried, with some justification.
The first slice was served piping hot, as Hannigan-Daley drew first blood. Another violation soon followed, as the Apostrophes, rooted in sixth position regardless of the day’s result, played without inhibition, delivering a new and exciting sexball unknown to mere mortals.
“We’ll hammer them! Easy! Easy!” the hopelessly optimistic fans roared.
As inevitable as death and taxes, the Apostrophes collapse was as spectacular as it was demoralising. A wretched, half-baked performance by Hawkins, combined with some unorthodox defending by his brothers in arms, led to a flurry of goals for the enemy. The stadium JumboTron read 3-8 when referee Chris Griffin, pitying the world’s favourite team, blew his whistle of mercy to signify the end of the first born doughnut.
When the chips are down and the syndrome is rife, Sporting Apostrophes’ steely determination is usually found wanting, but the players refused to lie face down sans trousers. A flurry of violations from the team’s irrepressible forward line brought fear to the champions, as the ghost of Princess Diana might scare a vulnerable orphan. Fans whooped like a spastic Tarzan as the Apostrophes’ endeavours levelled the scores at 10-apiece, when suddenly, with the final seconds of the game remaining, two beautiful, blessed, new born onions were delivered by the sweetest of vegetable C-sections, making the the final score 12-10.
The final whistle brought an end to the Apostrophes’ record-breaking match, a fitting end to their historic fifth season. As season VI looms on the horizon, the stench of onwards and upwardness permeates every synthetic fibre like a potent, flammable, terrorist fart. A terrible injustice!
Score: 12-10
Squad: Correa, Farnsworth, Hannigan-Daley, Hawkins, Stickland.
Goals: Hannigan-Daley (5), Farnsworth (4), Correa (3).