Match Report: Sporting Apostrophes vs Frutti di Mare
“Stickland, Kimberley, Farnsworth and Correa combine to form a wall of pure, unadulterated talent”
Sporting Apostrophes fans were treated to a robust display of mid-tempo onionball in Sunday’s encounter with promotion favourites Frutti di Mare.
“It was a solid performance today – one of the best team performances of the season,” enthused chairman Ernest Borgnine. “Our line-up for this fixture was like a breeze block covered in lipstick: it might not be pretty, but Christ, you can’t help but think of penetrating its holes.”
The capacity crowd showed its considerable enthusiasm for the “Fantastic Five” as they sashayed from the players’ tunnel. Hawkins was granted the privilege of appearing first, making his landmark, record-breaking 50th appearance for the world famous club.
“50 matches – it brings tears to my eyes and my penis,” he wept, addressing fans over the stadium PA. “I can still clearly remember the first ever Sporting Apostrophes match back at Old Street as if it were only yesterday.”
Kimberley, a veteran of that historic day, supported the Liberace-style trail on Hawkins ceremonial cape, embroidered with 5 golden stars, one for each onion bag violation. Immediately behind him, Correa, Stickland and Farnsworth formed a human pyramid in a perspex tank containing 467 footballs, one for each goal conceded by the team since the Apostrophes’ birth.
“Hurrah!” cried the fans, with some justification.
The Super A’s kicked off the first half with an air of trepidation, aware that the humidity and lack of substitutes presented a significant obstacle. A sedate, leisurely display of onion-stroking was the soup du jour, the team showing a surprising level of foresight. The Apostrophes’ strategy looked as though it might bear fruit, as the team maintained possession, but Frutti di Mare drew first quiche with a well taken drive. Farnsworth, back in the line-up following his promotional tour in Thailand, levelled the scores with a trademark cannon, before referee Chris Griffin blew the half time whistle.
Sporting Apostrophes, eager to earn a valuable three points that would see them close the gap on Green Park, increased the tempo after the break. This noble but foolhardy tactic proved their undoing, as Frutti di Mare made good use of their numerical advantage.
Goals from Correa and Farnsworth kept up the pressure, until late in the second half, when the referee awarded a penalty with the score at 3-4. Farnsworth confidently placed the ball on the spot and awaited the referee’s whistle. The innumerable fans released a sigh of resignation, knowing Farnsworth’s dismal record with spot kicks, as the ball whistled past the left post.
With energy levels in short supply, Sporting Apostrophes laboured on, as Frutti di Mare sought more goals to cement their impending victory. Kimberley and Stickland helped spare the team’s blushes with some stoic defending, aided by Hawkins’ top-drawer manflinging.
After 40 minutes of hard-fought onionball, the team trudged off the astroturf to commiserate a 5-3 reverse, their dreams of a record-breaking fifth place finish in tatters. A terrible injustice!
Score: 3-5
Squad: Correa, Farnsworth, Hawkins, Kimberley, Stickland.
Goals: Farnsworth (2), Correa (1).