Sporting Apostrophes

“Wessely’s shoulder: defrosted and back to its best”

Sporting Apostrophes’ fifth encounter with old rivals Team Wang resulted in an emphatic victory for the world’s favourite football team.

“I promised new signings, I delivered new signings!” enthused chairman Ernest Borgnine, his eyes still watering from the influx of onion. “One wonders, could Farnsworth’s record of 24 goals be under threat so soon?”

The Super A’s first fixture of season V, following the previous week’s postponement, featured an eye-popping array of new signings, all eager to do justice to the famous yellow jersey. Brun, from Italy; Canadian Hannigan-Daley; the unknown Chan: fans were agog at this incredible injection of new blood into the team. The debutants were joined by Apostolov, Hawkins and Lissimore, and, to the delight of the capacity crowd, midfield maestro Wessely, fully recovered from his long-term injury.

Apprehensive, tentative, probing: the Apostrophes’ incredible new line-up took just minutes to form, as an Eskimo’s jelly solidifies rapidly in the land of the midnight sun. A stunning drive from Hannigan-Daley opened the team’s account. Team Wang responded with a fortunate long-range effort, before Sporting’s onion monsoon descended. Referee Candy watched from the sidelines, awe-struck, as Wang’s onion bag was violated again and again by Brun and Hannigan-Daley. Wang offered little in response, their sole effort a penalty saved by “adhesive digits” Hawkins, before the half time whistle blew with the team boasting an astonishing 7-1 advantage.

With such a commanding lead, it was inevitable that the team’s appetite for onion would be diminished. Sporting Apostrophes’ post-coital, tippy-tappy deliciousness brought cheers from the crowd, but their most vocal praise was saved for Wessely, who, back from injury, performed with tremendous energy, instructing the new recruits on the intricacies of Powerleague and the necessity of defending, aided by the ever-reliable Lissimore.

Further violations from Brun, Hannigan-Daley and Wessely added to Sporting Apostrophes’ record-breaking tally, with Wang adding another two, leaving the referee to bring an end to proceedings with the score at 10-3 to the Super A’s.

Sporting Apostrophes historic 50th match ended in a well-deserved victory, but the shortage of yellow shirts and the ongoing sponsorship saga remain a source of considerable irritation. A terrible injustice!

Score: 10-3
Squad: Apostolov, Brun, Chan, Hannigan-Daley, Hawkins, Lissimore, Wessely.
Goals: Brun (5), Hannigan-Daley (4), Wessely (1).