Match report: Sporting Apostrophes vs One Flew Into The Keepers Net
“Stickland and Hinceman run to congratulate Kimberley on his delicious onion bag violation”
The Jocks of One Flew Into The Keepers Net unleashed their “Tartan Tsunami” upon the Super A’s for the fifth time in Sunday’s exciting division II encounter, as the team ran out to a somewhat flattering 8-3 victory.
“Barring a miracle they’re guaranteed promotion now,” chairman Ernest Borgnine conceded, a copy of the league table clenched firmly between his taut buttocks. “Full credit to them, they’re unbeaten, having punished all comers with the explosive force of their haggis facial.”
Sporting Apostrophes boasted a talent-packed, half dozen line-up: truly a sight for the stinging, piss-sore eyes of the innumerable fans present, having been subjected to a threadbare slice of the famous Super A’s quiche far too often in recent weeks.
Fans roared their approval as “terrorist” Farnsworth appeared from the players’ tunnel, his landmark fiftieth goal fast approaching. McInerney followed, his declining strike rate evidence of the cruel inevitability of Old Father Time. Stickland joined them, fully recovered from the humiliating 18-2 rape at the hands of El Paso, along with Kimberley, his debilitating facial alopecia and mystery hand growths a source of concern on the terraces. The “Beast from Baltimore”, back from his mid-season skiing break, was next to grace the astroturf, along with hand sheath fetishist Hawkins, making his record-breaking 35th appearance for the Super A’s.
Following a brief team talk on the virtues of heterosexuality by referee John Candy, Sporting kicked off the match, onion compass calibrated, the scent filling each and every one of their dozen nostrils.
“Show them no mercy!” the crowd screamed, in defiance of the Super A’s defensive generosity that would make the corpse of Mother Theresa blush like an atomic Belisha beacon.
Sporting Apostrophes stroked the ball across the astroturf with much beauty and tippy-tappy goodness, despite the absence of midfield maestros Turner and Wessely. Against the run of play, and the will of God, One Flew Into The Keepers Net poked the sphere past Hawkins, drawing first blood, but the Apostrophes replied with a prime fillet from “terrorist” Farnsworth. Like Krankies possessed, the Jocks responded swiftly to restore their lead, but Kimberley levelled the scores with a poacher’s goal, his third of the season.
“There’s only one Kim-ber-leeee…. four-tune-at-lee,” sang the crowd, hoping for an unexpected victory against the table-toppers.
Fans hopes were dashed by a tidy brace from the Scots, before the referee blew long, lovingly and hard on his cherished whistle to bring down the curtain on the first act.
Part II delivered just as much drama and passion as its well received predecessor. Muscular defending by Hinceman and Stickland, combined with some spectacular feats of walking and shouting by “static” McInerney, promised to reap rewards for the world’s favourite football team. A Farnsworth cannon brought hope of an improbable comeback, but the Jocks, on gas mark five, punished the Super A’s with the intoxicating fumes of the previous night’s indulgence.
“Peeeeeeeeep!” went the referee’s whistle, leaving the Apostrophes to reflect upon chances missed and The Curse Of The Blue Shirts in the luxurious surroundings of their unique Male Grooming and Fitness Complex.
With the end of the season fast approaching, Sporting Apostrophes are yet again languishing in seventh place, a mere point above old rivals Team Wang. A terrible injustice!
Score: 3-8
Squad: Farnsworth, Hawkins, Hinceman, Kimberley, McInerney, Stickland.
Goals: Farnsworth (2), Kimberley (1).
This is clearly down to the shirts.
And the somewhat harsh ban on pre-match hand-shandying.
If they could clean up the toilets properly, we could all ‘warm up’ properly in style and comfort. I know Turnip is concerned about the lack of ‘Booths of Onan’ and I’m starting to see his point.