Match report: Sporting Apostrophes vs Real So So Bad
“Hawkins’ poor performance leaves fans questioning his sanity”
The Super A’s quaffed at the filthy trough of defeat once again, succumbing to a 8-5 defeat at the hands of Real So So Bad.
“Unbelievable!” chairman Ernest Borgnine complained, frustrated at the team’s lack of progress. “Real So So Bad are the most feminine, delicate, she-weakling team of man-boys in the league, and we let them beat us again! What’s that all about, eh?” he questioned, circling the assembled press, his dukes aloft, primed for combat, goading, willing them to attack, longing for the blood of an innocent to cleanse the innumerable sins from his black soul.
Wearing their flattering blue jerseys for only the second team, Sporting Apostrophes took to the field with a predictably handsome line-up consisting of Hawkins, “terrorist” Farnsworth, Hinceman, Kimberley, Stickland, making his first appearance of the season, and Turner, back from promotional duties in the far east (Stratford).
John Candy, blessed with the privilege of officiating the Apostrophes for the second week in a row, enjoyed a delicious spectacle of home cooked football from the first whistle. A flurry of delicate, souffle passing was digested with all the vim and vigour it warranted, culminating in a Michelin Starred onion bag violation from Hinceman. The Super A’s were soon three goals to the good, leaving a flummoxed Real So So Bad chasing thin air, like a watery, French onion soup made in a special school home economics class.
Part deux was a gastronomic catastrophy of epic proportions, a sickening concoction from the worst third world kitchen. Hawkins’ Yorkshire pudding remained lank, sunken, pathetic; an unseemly spectacle for a sheathmaster general. Too many cooks made light work of the rolling moss, leaving fans to question the team’s commitment, tactics, and even more worryingly, hair styles in some cases.
Sporting Apostrophes ability to defend a lead is still notable by its absence. A terrible injustice!
Score: 5-8
Squad: Farnsworth, Hawkins, Hinceman, Kimberley, Stickland, Turner.
Goals: Farnsworth (1), Hinceman (2), Kimberley (1), Turner (1).